to ask why society hates single mums?

[maxxytoe]

Just why?
I very rarely see the press mention anything about single mums in a good way , it's always vilifying them for being single , on benefits etc
Even on facebook people I know (who have been raised by single mums may I add ) do status' saying something along the lines of 'the single mums will be out spending the child benefit in town tonight'

There's a guy at my work who got custody of his children and people cant praise him enough and say how he's doing a great job etc
But yet my colleague who is a single mum doesn't get the same ?

What is societies problem with single mums?!

[corlan]

It's misogyny.
Same reason you hardly ever hear anything said about the men who don't pay support for their children or never bother to see their children.
If women behaved that way, we would be shunned. Men do it and society just shrugs it's shoulders.

[Andrewofgg]

I don't think society shrugs its shoulders over non-paying NRPs - the phrase deadbeat dad comes to mind.

It does shrug its shoulders over fathers who don't bother to see their children - and in a sense rightly because you may or may not be able to make a man pay, but you can't make him care. And not all RPs want the NRP to see the children, do they?

[MyIronLung]

I know someone who's a single father and he does a great job but certainly no better than me as a single mother. The big difference I've noticed is that he has people practically falling over themselves to praise and help him, whereas I get neither help nor praise. maybe he's just nicer than me .
I've been standing next to him while mutual friends gush over him for being a lp (he's been a lp for a few years, I've been one for the better part of 18) I had to walk away before I said something unpleasant!

It must be what a poster upthread said. We're all slags who've got what we deserve

[Stompylongnose]

It's pure misogyny.
Accidental pregnancy = woman trapping man
NRP paying CM = woman trapping man
NRP looking after kids without RP/mum/sister planning things = woman trapping man
NRP not babying RP and reminding them of parents evening or other info available on school website = woman trapping men

Basically as a female LP I feel like society interprets a lot of my actions as anti-man and that I am trying to trap or trick men. (attitudes like I'm lucky to get CM rather than ex made the decision to contribute a significant part of his salary for life.)

[fedupbutfine]

I thought everyone would expect a non resident dad to pay for their children and if anything, it would be the resident mothers that would have less expected of them financially

everyone? Gingerbread statistics suggest only 38% of lone parents receive child maintenance. There are endless women queuing up to go out with my ex who doesn't support his children. Women who expect their exs to support their children are frequently portrayed as money grabbing bitches whether they work themselves or not - either it's 'she should get off her fat backside and support them if he has to '.... And as I said, those of who do work often get it in the neck because how dare we demand money for the upkeep of our children when we are working full time and neglecting our children and can clearly afford it ourselves?

There are way too many men (usually it's men) out there not supporting their children and no one is saying anything about it because if they were, it wouldn't be happening. There is no social stigma whatsoever in not supporting your children. I work in a professional field - I have had colleagues literally laugh in my face when it's been mentioned in passing that my ex doesn't support the children 'well, you work, so why should he?

As it was said up thread, misogyny...it's out fault. We shouldn't have married them in the first place. Should have kept out knickers on. Shouldn't have had htem so young. Shouldn't have done this...shouldn't have done that....

[CookieMonsterIsOnADiet]

I would agree there is no social stigma if you choose not to support your children hence the huge benefit problems we have now. If 38% get no child support, I'd hesitate to guess that its way more than 38% of RP who get state support so don't support the child either.

Any political party who makes NRP pay and stops benefits for RP wouldn't be welcomed though by many so it's small steps only they can make.

Some women do get pregnant on purpose as they want a child, plenty admit to it. Others are simply careless with contraception or just fail to use it. It doesn't seem that sex ed at school is enough for many.

[Andrewofgg]

It's also worth saying that any successful drive to make NRPs pay would be less than popular with their later OHs by whom they may also have children. It's all very well to say that the earlier child comes first but CM is not like the peerage - seniority does not really count for much. And even if you are getting CM, the full legal whack, and the NRP begets another child to whom he is also NRP, or his later relationship breaks up leaving another child, you've got to share - and sometimes it's another and another and another.

[maxxytoe]

If I , as a woman , left my son and got a new boyfriend and had another child and then abandoned him to get with another boyfriend and have ANOTHER child with the new man. I would get absolutely slaughtered
I'd be called a slag , tramp, slut, a bad mum

My ex did just this though and nobody bats an eye
In fact I've overheard some people say they feel sorry for him for having 3 different baby mums and they bet it's a right hassle dealing with us all !
If I didn't laugh id cry

[damselinthisdress]

I think I might be missing your point here cookie. I read that as you saying LPs on benefits are rightfully stigmatised? Is that what you meant? If so, what are the 62% of LPs who don't receive CM expected to do? That feels like an unfair judgement to me.

Apologies if I have misunderstood what you meant.

[arethereanyleftatall]

I think single parents are amazing.

[fedupbutfine]

If 38% get no child support, I'd hesitate to guess that its way more than 38% of RP who get state support so don't support the child either

38% of single PWC get no child support (it is worth remembering that plenty of PWC are re-married or in long term, live-in relationships therefore there are other men out there supporting children that are not their own).

Many working PWC get some state support. It is obvious that percentage wise, more lone parents than couples would be eligible for 'state support' because they are only one person with one opportunity to bring in a wage - couples have two opportunities. Are we also looking down on those working single parents who receive 'state support'? I am a teacher, full time, 3 young children and I receive 'state support'. What else is it you would like me to do?

[MrsJorahMormont]

I think sometimes there is a perception of single mums (pushed by right wing media) that they made bad choices - 'chose' the wrong man, 'chose' to have children with the wrong man. The woman is almost punished by the court of public opinion for having chosen the 'wrong' mate.

That's the media image of the single mum and I have met a couple of women over the years who are the stereotype - the kind of women who just believed whatever they were told and made bloody idiotic decisions (although both had truly awful starts in life and no positive role models). E.g. 'Yes, he's had a short stretch inside, never held a job for more than a month and fathered children to three other women but I'm different! I'm the one who'll change him!' A triumph of blind hope over all the available evidence.

But the majority of single mums are just women who stuck around when their exes pissed off, or had the gall to leave a relationship they were unhappy in. They become the target because they stayed put with the kids and everyone knows a sitting target is easier than a moving one. I wish there was some way of shifting the blaming and shaming to the men who disappear into the wind and don't support the families they've left behind but I can't see that change of heart happening any time soon. Which brings us back to the other reason people mentioned: misogyny.

[SurlyCue]

If 38% get no child support, I'd hesitate to guess that its way more than 38% of RP who get state support so don't support the child either.

You misread the statistic quoted. Its only 38% get child support. (Lots of which will be the £5 a week possibly split between families) Meaning 62% dont get anything.

[MyIronLung]

I get no child support or any support, financial or practical. Ds (4) father has since gone on to have another child and no one bats an eye about it.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

I get no child support or any other support either. Ex is far too busy with his social life to bother being a parent. We've been separated for just over 2 years and he's already been engaged twice. But when he attempted suicide after the OW dumped him, who did his family blame? ME!! How in the bloody hell do they figure that?? He's treated like he's a poor downtrodden soul, while I'm vilified because I separated from him due to his abuse of the dcs. They don't even bother trying to stay in contact with the dcs (which frankly is fine by me at this point).

No social stigma for him at all. I get it all and I've done nothing wrong, just protecting the dcs.

IMO society is deeply fucked up in this regard.

[nicoleshitzinger]

I think having a child in a fragile or short lived relationship when you don't have the resources to care for them without a huge amount of input from the state is irresponsible but understandible for a young woman.

Repeating the same mistake 2/3/4 times is inexcusable.

Not paying child support is inexcusable.

[SurlyCue]

I think having a child in a fragile or short lived relationship when you don't have the resources to care for them without a huge amount of input from the state is irresponsible but understandible for a young woman.

Repeating the same mistake 2/3/4 times is inexcusable.

Yes because this is how all single mothers are created.

Get a clue. Put down the daily mail.

[amarmai]

married women are afraid of single mothers as it makes them worry whether it could happen to them + they think their hs may get some nooky from the desperate sex starved sms. Now down to more serious business- after bringing up my 3 with no maintenance from the father or benefits from the taxpayers, i can say with complete self assurance that i got no pats on the back from anyone. I did get random kindness from strangers tho. I applied for jobs saying i was single and had no dependents- or i would not have got a job. When i finally got a divorce i was asked by the female judge why i was not asking for maintenance. I did not tell her i would not get it so there was no point in asking , i said i have a good job and i do not need it. She stared at me as if i came from the moon. I was always a church going person until the first sunday i could get myself and my 3 to the nearest church and sat and listened to the minister attacking single parents and demonising their children as the source of crime in the community. I never returned but i stayed in that community for 3 decades+ and so i saw whose children did what and it was not my children who were committing crimes .Men have the power all over the world and women have to survive in their system as best as they can.50% of 1st marriages break up and 75% of 2nd. So single parents are not a minority but they are discriminated against for many different reasons.There but for the grace of god go all of you.

[goblinhat]

married women are afraid of single mothers as it makes them worry whether it could happen to them + they think their hs may get some nooky from the desperate sex starved sms.

FFS

[Bottlecap]

I think having a child in a fragile or short lived relationship when you don't have the resources to care for them without a huge amount of input from the state is irresponsible but understandible for a young woman.

Repeating the same mistake 2/3/4 times is inexcusable.

Not paying child support is inexcusable.

I couldn't agree more.

[Bottlecap]

married women are afraid of single mothers as it makes them worry whether it could happen to them + they think their hs may get some nooky from the desperate sex starved sms.

Yes, I am terrified.

[fedupbutfine]

I've been a single mum for nearly 7 years. I'm not sex-starved, not by a long shot. More sex than I ever had in marriage ...and I can assure you I am not sleeping with your husband!

[nicoleshitzinger]

"Yes because this is how all single mothers are created.

Get a clue. Put down the daily mail."

I didn't say or imply that all single mothers have had children in short lived or unstable relationships.

And I hate the Daily Mail.