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AIBU?

to ask why society hates single mums?

309 replies

maxxytoe · 06/09/2015 13:30

Just why?
I very rarely see the press mention anything about single mums in a good way , it's always vilifying them for being single , on benefits etc
Even on facebook people I know (who have been raised by single mums may I add ) do status' saying something along the lines of 'the single mums will be out spending the child benefit in town tonight'

There's a guy at my work who got custody of his children and people cant praise him enough and say how he's doing a great job etc
But yet my colleague who is a single mum doesn't get the same ?

What is societies problem with single mums?!

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nicoleshitzinger · 08/09/2015 17:38

"That's the media image of the single mum and I have met a couple of women over the years who are the stereotype - the kind of women who just believed whatever they were told and made bloody idiotic decisions (although both had truly awful starts in life and no positive role models). E.g. 'Yes, he's had a short stretch inside, never held a job for more than a month and fathered children to three other women but I'm different! I'm the one who'll change him!'"

Unfortunately I know more women like this than women who've had children in stable long term relationships that have then gone on to break down. Maybe it's just where I live. I know 4 mothers who have had big families with men who have never lived with them or supported their children. I know one mother who has had 6 children with a man who has never lived with her, never had the kids overnight, only ever chucked the odd tenner her way, and who's fathered 4 other children by two other women at the same time. I mean, why would you?

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OTheHugeManatee · 08/09/2015 17:46

I don't think society hates single mums in general. That would be daft - lots of society is made up of single mums.

I do think, though, that society generally frowns on the small subset of single mums that repeatedly has children with different fathers, raises the resultant children more or less haphazardly in poverty and often worklessness and thus helps contribute to the cycle of deprivation for another generation.

I have some sympathy for people in this situation as they usually have awful backgrounds and probably don't know any better, but I still don't think it's unreasonable to frown on this kind of behaviour. It also tars lone parents generally with a negative brush, a bit like the small subset of people who commit benefit fraud, resulting in a negative backlash for anyone on benefits.

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GudrunBrangwen · 08/09/2015 17:52

God, I don't think it's reasonable to compare someone having children with different fathers, (not deliberately to claim benefit) with committing benefit fraud, which is generally deliberate?

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CatEyeFlick · 08/09/2015 17:55

YANBU

the shit and judgement I got when I was a single mum was unreal

I was quite young as well and looked younger so people assumed I was a teenager. double whammy there

I am proud of my time as a single mum it helped shape who I am today, it was hard but I was awesome

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ghostyslovesheep · 08/09/2015 17:56

But sadly that tiny minority (and it is the minority) are often the go to 'norm' for single parents - I am a single parent - I have friends who are single parents - all of us where married or in long term living together, joint mortgage style relationships before having kids - we all work - some of us had cheating husbands, 2 had abusive ones and one bastard had the audacity to die of cancer - yet the go to stereotype is always 'unemployed, kaaancil house, 5 different dads'

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GudrunBrangwen · 08/09/2015 18:03

Mine have different dads. I don't live in a council house. I don't even talk like that.

Yes, I screwed up by thinking I had a good relationship and then finding out it wasn't.

I may be stupid but I have some sense of morality which IMO someone committing benefit fraud, does not.

I don't like the suggestion that it's the same thing. It isn't, at all. And I don't believe that many people think it is.

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Betarocker · 08/09/2015 18:03

I could describe myself as a single mum (or double parent) of 3 who works but also claims benefits...or I could describe myself as a widowed mum of 3 who works and like every other widow with kids under 18 I claim widowed parent allowance based on my late husband's NI contributions. Perceptions eh?

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scoobydooagain · 08/09/2015 18:15

In real live I don't get judged and get often get comments from my married, older colleagues about how well I manage. The only time I really see any real judgement is on this site, which even though is quite liberal thinking in many ways, nearly always assumes if you are a single mother you are on benefits. It is not even said in a negative way but it reinforces the belief that single mum = benefit claimant.

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GudrunBrangwen · 08/09/2015 18:17

I think that society perhaps perceives the single mother's position (if she is getting benefits) as somewhat akin to holding her children hostage, and forcing society to pay for them or society will be deemed cruel and unreasonable.

In a sense, society is put under an uncomfortable obligation to pay for the needs of children whose mother cannot support them. However, we need to look at why she is in that position. And at the man who fathered the children and what his contribution is to be.

Who puts society in this position - the mother or the father? That sort of depends on the circumstances but I would wager that in almost all cases, it will not have been a deliberate effort to piss off society, or to gain money.

Of course they are some who seek to exploit the system. But there are very few of them. I don't mind condemning deliberate exploitation. I do mine condemning those who have made mistakes, genuine, stupid (or not even that, necessarily) mistakes, which have led to their being in need.

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OTheHugeManatee · 08/09/2015 18:23

I'm not saying that having multiple children in chaotic circumstances with different fathers in any way resembles committing benefit fraud. Of course it doesn't - one is fraud, the other is more a case of persistent poor judgement. However I am saying that both behaviours are frowned on by society, not unreasonably, and both result in stigma being attached unfairly to the wider group of single parents and benefits claimants respectively.

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beardsrock · 08/09/2015 18:28

Since becoming a parent and living in another country I have become a hell of a lot more sympathetic to

A) Immigrants and
B) Single mothers.

Just spent the last few days with bad D&V. DH picked up the slack, a lot. It got me thinking, how do single mothers cope? Like, how? Vomiting and feeling like shit with a toddler to take care of?

These people deserve a medal.

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CrystalButterfly · 08/09/2015 18:31

What I found strange is when certain indivuals will talk down on single mums when their mum is a single mum and they don't even know their father. Loads of people in my college had this attitude, maybe it's because they hate themselves I don't know.

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GudrunBrangwen · 08/09/2015 18:33

I do get that OTHM, and wondered whether that was your point however it still stings a bit having that analogy linked to it, even like that.

Plenty of people do seem to consider single parenthood to be on a par with fraud. So it is close to the bone, if you like.

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GudrunBrangwen · 08/09/2015 18:34

Plus your other assumptions are a bit off.

I have some sympathy for people in this situation as they usually have awful backgrounds and probably don't know any better

Really? Or is this just random supposition?

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Scoobydoo8 · 08/09/2015 18:48

I don't know any man who has walked away and not paid for DCs.

Let alone people accepting that situation as ok.

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GudrunBrangwen · 08/09/2015 18:50

Don't you? I think quite a lot of us do know men who have done exactly that.

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OTheHugeManatee · 08/09/2015 18:52

Really? Or is this just random supposition?

Are you going to tell me that the statistics show women who go on to have six children in poverty with six different absent fathers typically grew up in loving, affluent two-parent homes?

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frankbough · 08/09/2015 19:00

Not really bothered about assumptions, but the course of action taken by people to cohabit and not marry and the break up of the traditional family unit is devastating for society, it's all also out of control and irreversible.

www.bristol.ac.uk/poverty/downloads/keyofficialdocuments/CONDEM%20-poverty-report.pdf

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Lurkedforever1 · 08/09/2015 19:07

scooby hilarious. They don't go round advertising the fact. The single mum from work, or playgroup, or nursery, or school, or football, or brownies etc everyone soon finds out in normal conversation they're single. The man who has kids doesn't casually drop into conversation he doesn't pay. And the single mum doesn't tend to mention it either unless they are either able to stand up to mail reading twats very confident, very rich, or know you well. Because otherwise there's even more assumption you're 'living on their hard earned taxes'. And obviously if the father won't pay it must have been somehow the mothers fault, one night stand, bad judgement, to get a council house, etc.

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amarmai · 08/09/2015 19:13

Yes! gob, exactly ! -for the sake of a fuck married men target single mothers. and their wives who were 'friends' before the divorce stay well clear - until it happens to them and then they want sympathy and support ! FFS!

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SurlyCue · 08/09/2015 19:26

how do single mothers cope? Like, how? Vomiting and feeling like shit with a toddler to take care of?

The one time i can recall being ill i had to send my 6yo to get my neighbour who was luckily my friend to come and take him and baby DS to her house for a few hours while i got as much vomitting out of my system as i could. She fed them and brought them back i think around 7ish and i just got them into bed. Im really lucky in that i dont seem to get ill, even when the DC get bugs. I cant imagine how hard it is for lone parents who have disabilities or long standing illnesses. It must be really hard

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damselinthisdress · 08/09/2015 19:43

the course of action taken by people to cohabit and not marry and the break up of the traditional family unit is devastating for society

What's wrong with unmarried parents now? That doesn't necessarily equate to future single parents. Almost everyone I grew up with are from happily unmarried families to be honest, myself and DD included.

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Bottlecap · 08/09/2015 19:47

What's wrong with unmarried parents now? That doesn't necessarily equate to future single parents. Almost everyone I grew up with are from happily unmarried families to be honest, myself and DD included.

The problem with unmarried parents is that they are far more likely to separate than married parents, and therefore more likely to produce disadvantaged children.

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SurlyCue · 08/09/2015 19:53

The problem with unmarried parents is that they are far more likely to separate than married parents

How are those stats collected? Ive never ever answered a survey on whether i was married to my children's father or not. None of friends have ever mentioned having to do one. How would anyone know that an unmarried couple broke up?

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GudrunBrangwen · 08/09/2015 20:01

Are you going to tell me that the statistics show women who go on to have six children in poverty with six different absent fathers typically grew up in loving, affluent two-parent homes?

I have no data. So no. But you are generalising. And I don't think that should go unchallenged.

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