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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Where did this conversation go wrong? is it me or him??

105 replies

WykeSprite · 06/09/2015 09:08

Came in from a night out with DP last night. Had a bit to drink but both relatively sober.

He sits down and puts on a documentry about Kate Bush.

I sit next to him and watch it with him.

After half an hour or so I start up the following conversation:

me: "I don't really get Kate Bush - I mean, I don't get why she's so famous and everyone thinks she's so amazing ... "

him: "well, they don't. you're watching a documentry on her so obviously they'll all be saying positive things."

me: "oh yeah I know, I'm just saying in general I just can't understand why she's as big as she is, I mean what is special about her?"

him: "oh well I'll turn it off then."

me: "??? no I'm not saying turn it off! I'm just saying I don't get it ... "

him: "yeah well you don't like anything I like so I'll just turn it off."

me: "I'm not wanting an argument over it! I was just trying to start up a conversation!"

him: "well it's a trend with you isn't it, anything I like you don't like so I might as well just turn it off."

----

I'm really, REALLY considering giving up on this relationship because this is the kind of response I get whenever I express an opnion or try and start up a conversation. It's walking on egg shells all the time. I've just tried to speak to him about it now and he said I should have approached it more diplomatically. I asked for an example and he suggested:

"You like Kate Bush Don't you? I much prefer ((insert artist here)) as ((insert reason here)) "

I mean is that really what relationships are about? a systematic approach to conversation??

I'm ready for the truth here. Tell it to me straight, is it me or him?

OP posts:

hackedoffnow · 06/09/2015 22:09

Yabu Kate Bush is incredible and the documentaries yesterday were really interesting. You were ruining it for him.

CanadianJohn · 06/09/2015 22:33

Winding you up regarding the group names, but my musical knowledge, such as it is, ended with the '60s. Kate Bush doesn't impact my life at all.

Almost never listen to music, almost never watch TV, don't have a phone. I'm either a Neanderthal or a Renaissance Man, I'm not sure which.

LaContessaDiPlump · 06/09/2015 22:45

I got the hump ages ago with DH because his first response, 9 times out of 10, is to point out the negatives of any given topic/decision/observation. He was surprised, then denied it, then admitted (laughing) that maybe he was a bit like that but it was out of a funny sense of trying to balance the conversation between positive and negative. Trouble is, sometimes the other person is tired/not in the mood/stressed and doesn't want to feel pressured into providing the other side of a balanced debate. They just want to agree or be agreed with.

Your DH might be feeling like that, only may not have thought it through in detail and has stopped at the "I feel under pressure/attacked" bit. Try deliberately only making positive comments for a while and observe the effects - if he improves then great, but if he keeps on behaving as described above then he's just a garden-variety arse.

ceyes03 · 06/09/2015 22:46

Sounds like you tried to piss on his chips, OP. It's you.

ExitPursuedByABear · 06/09/2015 22:49

Where is the OP?

Listening to Kate Bush?

Lweji · 06/09/2015 22:54

Almost never listen to music, almost never watch TV, don't have a phone. I'm either a Neanderthal or a Renaissance Man, I'm not sure which.

But you have a computer or a tablet.

OutToGetYou · 06/09/2015 23:11

I just asked DH, 42, and he says he can't stand Kate Bush, never could, says she gets right on his pip.

Kessia24 · 06/09/2015 23:15

Think people love or hate Kate bush, not much in between (I fit in former category!)

you are probably both being unreasonable - try going along with things he likes that you don't like and leave the negative comments to yourself. He shouldn't expect you to like something just because he does, but compromise doesn't hurt. On some level we all have to do stuff we don't like for the sake of our DPs. But he was U to start an argument instead of waiting and having a proper calm conversation about his concerns.

lorelei9 · 06/09/2015 23:43

Kessia "Think people love or hate Kate bush, not much in between (I fit in former category!)"

I rather like her but I am not a huge fan or anything.

TheRealAmyLee · 07/09/2015 00:52

In my house it would go
"I don't get the kate bush thing"
"Well why are you watching this then? Shut up or feck off to bed"

Theres way more to this that the op is giving.

BertieBotts · 07/09/2015 00:57

It's him. The exact example of conversation is a red herring and you'll end up with this response of "Oh but it could have been taken X way" for hours.

This is key:

Your gut instinct is right - ditch! How long have you been together?

Nandocushion · 07/09/2015 01:30

I used to make negative comments all the time - as though it was my only way to start a conversation. It wasn't until it was pointed out to me by a friend that I realised and have made a big effort not to do it anymore. I can't tell from your post whether you do the same thing or whether your DP is just a bit of a whinger, but it would be worth taking a good long look at yourself to see if you do indeed do this. Not being this way (or at least, not quite so much) has made a big difference to me.

steff13 · 07/09/2015 02:31

I've never heard of her, either. I googled, and it doesn't look like she's had a huge presence here in the US, though.

nooka · 07/09/2015 03:00

Kate Bush is a bit of an acquired taste. She was quite interesting shall we say. Certainly she was a bit different.

I would have found the OP really annoying. Surely watching the documentary would have provided all the info required as to why some people really rate her? A bit weird to ask 'what's so special' about her while a documentary was presumably saying precisely why she is considered special.

I would have read her comments as 'Kate Bush is shit' and thought it was a passive aggressive way of telling me to turn off the program. It would spoil the pleasure I took in watching the show and really piss me off.

I don't think that the DP's suggestion was problematic, it was an example of a less aggressive way to discuss the show that could have led to an interesting conversation.

LittleLionMansMummy · 07/09/2015 09:03

I'm really surprised by the amount of responses having a go at the op! My dh has a tendency to be a bit of a mood hoover (which he accepts and to be fair has really improved over the last few years in particular) but I don't see anything wrong with expressing an opinion about something I'm watching. For example Corrie - "this storyline is rubbish because", "I disagree because etc." In much the same way that you exchange views about practically everything else in life. If I get pissed off with him commenting and believe he's ruining my enjoyment of the programme I ask him if I can watch the rest in peace and suggest he listens to the football or whatever. I don't get huffy, switch it off and criticise the way he's made his point. It's a fucking TV show ffs - not a discussion about the Syrian crisis. I don't really 'get' Queen (dh loves them) and would say as much but would still be quite interested in watching a documentary about them. "I don't really get Kate Bush" is not the same as saying "I don't like this documentary, turn it off now". Jees. The most telling comment in the op is the bit that says she's considering giving up on the relationship as it's always like walking on eggshells. Doesn't sound like a happy relationship to me!

2rebecca · 07/09/2015 09:33

Agree he obviously likes Kate bush and you don't. If you didn't want to watch the programme you should have said so at the beginning otherwise you can discuss her after the programme has finished. Pop stars are personal taste. If you don't like her singing and style and don't understand why some people do after watching half an hour of a programme on her then your boyfriend wasn't going to be able to explain why he liked her in a couple of sentences so he could go back to watching it.
The way you phrased stuff sounds as though you wanted an argument about Kate bush not to continue watching a programme on her

CarlaJones · 07/09/2015 11:55

I think you should give up the relationship. You should not be walking on eggshells and scared to discuss anything.

Lweji · 07/09/2015 11:59

I'm really surprised by the amount of responses having a go at the op!

She asked: is it me or him?

Some people have said it's him, others it's the OP. How is that having a go? Can't people say that she could have indeed started the "conversation" in another way and that they felt criticised?

It's probably one of those things that people are not likely to agree on, so take what you want from this thread, OP (if you are reading it).

Isetan · 07/09/2015 13:01

I think Top Gear is a pile of shite but I wouldn't enquire why people they didnt share my view, especially while they were watching it. He threw a tantrum but my God woman, you would have tried my patience.

"I was only making conversation" isn't an excuse for being a tit.

Only you can know if this relationship is worth your time.

wasonthelist · 07/09/2015 13:07

OP I think it was him in your case, but - ex would present a contrary view to anything I said.

It was so predictable, I don't think she did it on purpose, but she did - and it was everything. It got very wearing.

Whathaveilost · 07/09/2015 13:35

In this scenario I think it's you that was the problem.
I don't know about everything else but it seems that you knew he was enjoying the programme ( which was great_ I heart Kate! ) then you come in with negative comments which can be perceived as an implied critism. If you do this a lot you would be a grade 1 pain in the ass.
yabu for talking while a programme I'd on and someone is watching it as well. Good job you weren't in my house!

LittleLionMansMummy · 07/09/2015 16:00

Lweji - I think I'm just a bit at the amount of people who apparently sit in absolute silence in front of the tv never exchanging words tbh and the amount calling the op a pain in the ass for commenting. Unfortunately the op hasn't come back to confirm whether or not she is indeed a negative person, but it's quite an assumption to jump to. I understand that this is AIBU and that people have different views, but I'm still pretty staggered that the most telling (to me, anyway!) part of the post has been overlooked by most. If the op always feels she is walking on eggshells why is that? I wouldn't automatically jump to the conclusion that she's negative and always interrupting (though that might be true of course!) As a one off I would still say it was a grumpy overreaction from the dp who likewise could have handled the situation better. Where does he get off telling her how she should have phrased her statement?! A better response from him could have been "yeah but I like her and I'm trying to listen so please can you let me" or whatever. Either way, if he's always trying to modify her behaviour then it doesn't sit well with me.

Lweji · 07/09/2015 16:24

I think I'm just a bit hmm at the amount of people who apparently sit in absolute silence in front of the tv never exchanging words tbh

I have to say that I think the OP was unreasonable but also share your dismay at people who sit watching TV in silence for the entire duration of a show.

I'm all for talking during a TV programme. :)
But talking about it, not rubbishing it if the other person is enjoying it. I just get on my phone or whatever if I'm bored.

Lweji · 07/09/2015 16:27

As a one off I would still say it was a grumpy overreaction from the dp who likewise could have handled the situation better. Where does he get off telling her how she should have phrased her statement?! A better response from him could have been "yeah but I like her and I'm trying to listen so please can you let me" or whatever. Either way, if he's always trying to modify her behaviour then it doesn't sit well with me.

But then this is trying to modify his behaviour.

If that conversation occurs frequently, the initial negative statement would certainly grate with me.

But also him putting a programme on without consulting me.

LaContessaDiPlump · 07/09/2015 16:36

I think most people have cottoned on by now that if you use the phrase 'walking on eggshells' in your post, then it's taken Very Seriously and is a massive Red Flag. It's a bit of a buzzphrase (if there is such a thing).

I have a sneaky feeling that a large number of posters have thought 'I sometimes have to choose my words carefully' wrt their loved one and exaggerated a little in order to get answers that they'll like from a thread.....

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