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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Where did this conversation go wrong? is it me or him??

105 replies

WykeSprite · 06/09/2015 09:08

Came in from a night out with DP last night. Had a bit to drink but both relatively sober.

He sits down and puts on a documentry about Kate Bush.

I sit next to him and watch it with him.

After half an hour or so I start up the following conversation:

me: "I don't really get Kate Bush - I mean, I don't get why she's so famous and everyone thinks she's so amazing ... "

him: "well, they don't. you're watching a documentry on her so obviously they'll all be saying positive things."

me: "oh yeah I know, I'm just saying in general I just can't understand why she's as big as she is, I mean what is special about her?"

him: "oh well I'll turn it off then."

me: "??? no I'm not saying turn it off! I'm just saying I don't get it ... "

him: "yeah well you don't like anything I like so I'll just turn it off."

me: "I'm not wanting an argument over it! I was just trying to start up a conversation!"

him: "well it's a trend with you isn't it, anything I like you don't like so I might as well just turn it off."

----

I'm really, REALLY considering giving up on this relationship because this is the kind of response I get whenever I express an opnion or try and start up a conversation. It's walking on egg shells all the time. I've just tried to speak to him about it now and he said I should have approached it more diplomatically. I asked for an example and he suggested:

"You like Kate Bush Don't you? I much prefer ((insert artist here)) as ((insert reason here)) "

I mean is that really what relationships are about? a systematic approach to conversation??

I'm ready for the truth here. Tell it to me straight, is it me or him?

OP posts:
airside · 06/09/2015 13:18

There is little more irritating than a slightly pissed, very chirpy person insisting on making conversation when you are trying to concentrate on something else.

LongDistanceLove · 06/09/2015 13:30

Sounds like he threw his toys out the pram.

Instead of saying 'I'm trying to watch this' he thew a wobbler.

I wouldn't like to be in a relationship where I had to carefully consider everything I said just incase it pisses the other person off.

hackmum · 06/09/2015 13:34

At first I thought you were right, OP. But then I read the other responses and could see where he might be coming from too. Hard to tell of course as we don't know what kind of tone of voice you used. But you thought you were just making conversation about what was on the tv, and what he was hearing was, "I hate your choice of programme and I hate your taste in music." Or something.

If he always misunderstands you, like this - or you constantly misunderstand each other - then perhaps it is time to call it a day.

Sanchar · 06/09/2015 13:39

YABU

DH does exactly what you do, all the time. after a few years of it while it gets really, really annoying and it does seem like a criticism of something i like.

for example; i like dress making. dh will frequently say " why do you make XYZ for the kids when you can buy it in the shop?"

that may seem innocuous but the undertones reek of "what an idiot, making stuff that is sold in shops for a fraction of the price"

dh has Asperger's so he does actually mean what he's asking, it's my NT brain seeing what could be sly undertones, so i never actually get arsey with dh, unless he does it repeatedly on the same dayGrin

Sgtmajormummy · 06/09/2015 13:41

Kate Bush is the guilty teenage fantasy of a whole generation of men between 45 and 60. There's a Nick Hornby book (Starter fot 10?) which explains it very well. She is/was cool, strange, sexy and talented and rode the crest of the 80's music video wave.

For this reason she isn't particularly well liked by women. DP was probably defensive because he's had the conversation before with someone who felt she couldn't compete with Kate Bush singing "The Man with the Child in his Eyes".Hmm

Her and Princess Leia in a gold bikini.

Sgtmajormummy · 06/09/2015 13:45

Sorry, it was David Nicholls who wrote " Starter for Ten".

Phonebox · 06/09/2015 13:59

He sounds like hard work. I had an ex who would rise to everything I said as a challenge and it meant we had no banter, no jokes, and eventually nothing.

OurBlanche · 06/09/2015 14:34

For this reason she isn't particularly well liked by women. So, what does that make women like me then? Ones who love her music and think she is kookily attractive at any age?

Gagh! Again I am an oddity! Or that is a truly, unnecessarily sweeping statement Smile

CanadianJohn · 06/09/2015 14:52

I've never heard of Kate Bush

Wanders off to look round the garden ...

BastardGoDarkly · 06/09/2015 14:58

You've never heard of Kate Bush John? where the actual fuck have you been??

Gruntfuttock · 06/09/2015 15:03

"I've never heard of Kate Bush"

Shock Wow! Are you new to this planet?

airside · 06/09/2015 15:04

*For this reason she isn't particularly well liked by women. DP was probably defensive because he's had the conversation before with someone who felt she couldn't compete with Kate Bush singing "The Man with the Child in his Eyes".hmm

Her and Princess Leia in a gold bikini.*

Why would you compete with a song/singer?

Or Leia the Huttslayer?

airside · 06/09/2015 15:05

Wah! No edit function??

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/09/2015 15:13

"I'm really, REALLY considering giving up on this relationship because this is the kind of response I get whenever I express an opnion or try and start up a conversation. It's walking on egg shells all the time."
If you feel you are walking on eggshells, then definitely end it. A relationship should enhance your life, not create anxiety.

However, as to where the conversation went wrong, sorry, but I think it started with you, right from the off.
^'me: "I don't really get Kate Bush - I mean, I don't get why she's so famous and everyone thinks she's so amazing ...
In my experience, someone saying the don't 'get' something are generally criticising those that do 'get' it. There's an unspoken 'I don't get it so there's nothing to get and your taste is shit' hanging unsaid in the air. It's an extremely negative way to express yourself, and again, just my experience, but people who express themselves negatively in this way often express themselves negatively in most ways. And this makes them draining to be around.

So, just a question to you, I would be genuinely interested in your answer - what answer do you expect to get back when your opening gambit is 'I don't get it'? Do you expect the other person to nod and agree? Or to tell you what there is that other people get? (Which, for the other person, can feel like having to justify their taste, and really can piss them off.)

And also, I would be genuinely interested to know - how do you think he would have responded had you instead said 'Kate Bush has a really dedicated fan base, why do you suppose that is?'

Zucker · 06/09/2015 15:24

YABU if you started this conversation while he was watching the programme. Effectively you were saying, this is shite why are you watching this I don't get it.

He can hardly carry on watching the programme now you've stated you think it's a pile of rubbish as that would be seen to not take your views into account.

I can see why he got the hump with you.

Sgtmajormummy · 06/09/2015 16:07

OurBlanche 'I'd consider you a perfectly normal person with your own taste in music.
My statements were about teenage male fantasies and some women's reactions to them. Smile

airside have you seen the episode of Friends where Rackel dresses up as P.L?

BastardGoDarkly · 06/09/2015 18:08

Nope no edit function Airside there is a preview button, but that's it.

airside · 06/09/2015 19:16

Bastard I'm incapable of seeing mistakes until I actually hit post but thanks. Grin

SgtMajor yes. Even though I like Friends it irritates me - Leia is a kick ass heroine who is brVe, clever, pricipled and good with a blaster. Any man who thinks the best thing about her is the gold bikini has poor judgement and misses the point that she is made to wear it explicitly in order to degrade her - sexy, eh?

Sgtmajormummy · 06/09/2015 21:02

I think that is precisely the point airside...

BoskyCat · 06/09/2015 21:16

Agree with Sgtmajormummy. He fancies Kate Bush and always has like 14 million other men yaaaawwwwnn He was getting his rocks off watching old footage of her gyrating in ballet wear, pouting and shrieking. (Can you tell I am also not a fan? :o)

I reckon you sensed this, were pissed off by having to watch her, and also were perhaps annoyed that he just came in and switched on his choice, no consultation with you.

So you did interrupt the programme and were a bit annoying. It is a bit annoying to criticise the subject of the programme while someone is watching it. He should have said "can we talk about this later, I really want to watch this?" and not had a PA strop about switching it off.

However, he could also have been less selfish about the telly in the first place.

If he's always pissing you off and reacting like that to things, then you should be getting rid of him anyway.

CanadianJohn · 06/09/2015 21:54

I googled Katie Bush. She's a singer, right?

I almost-never listen to music, and never watch TV, except maybe sports once in a while.

I've heard of the Beetles. And Jerry and the Peacemakers. And the Rolling Scones.

Lweji · 06/09/2015 21:59

The Rolling Scones would be a great name for a band. Grin
There must be a tribute somewhere with that name.

Sadly, even my predictive text/autocorrect goes straight to Stones. I hope I haven't messed it up.

Lweji · 06/09/2015 22:02

Also, just in case, it's The Beatles.
And Kate Bush.

Lweji · 06/09/2015 22:03

Just realised you were joking. As you were.

CheddarGorgeous · 06/09/2015 22:03

Beatles

Pacemakers

Stones

You are deliberately winding us up aren't you John?

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