Where did this conversation go wrong? is it me or him??

[WykeSprite]

Came in from a night out with DP last night. Had a bit to drink but both relatively sober.

He sits down and puts on a documentry about Kate Bush.

I sit next to him and watch it with him.

After half an hour or so I start up the following conversation:

me: "I don't really get Kate Bush - I mean, I don't get why she's so famous and everyone thinks she's so amazing ... "

him: "well, they don't. you're watching a documentry on her so obviously they'll all be saying positive things."

me: "oh yeah I know, I'm just saying in general I just can't understand why she's as big as she is, I mean what is special about her?"

him: "oh well I'll turn it off then."

me: "??? no I'm not saying turn it off! I'm just saying I don't get it ... "

him: "yeah well you don't like anything I like so I'll just turn it off."

me: "I'm not wanting an argument over it! I was just trying to start up a conversation!"

him: "well it's a trend with you isn't it, anything I like you don't like so I might as well just turn it off."

----

I'm really, REALLY considering giving up on this relationship because this is the kind of response I get whenever I express an opnion or try and start up a conversation. It's walking on egg shells all the time. I've just tried to speak to him about it now and he said I should have approached it more diplomatically. I asked for an example and he suggested:

"You like Kate Bush Don't you? I much prefer ((insert artist here)) as ((insert reason here)) "

I mean is that really what relationships are about? a systematic approach to conversation??

I'm ready for the truth here. Tell it to me straight, is it me or him?

[2rebecca]

If I want to talk I talk, if I want to watch TV I watch TV. I don't do telly as background music. If someone starts talking I turn the TV down so I can hear them and concentrate on what they are saying. Or tell them to shut up as I'm watching the TV.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

That's why I'd like to know more nooka - at the moment we're all speculating because the op hasn't come back.

[nooka]

LittleLion the OP said that she asked her DP how she might have spoken instead, it wasn't an unsolicited suggestion.

Regardless of the rights and wrongs it may just be that the OP and her DP aren't very compatible. Could just be that she is a bit too direct for him and he is a bit to sensitive for her.

[Lweji]

It's not wrong to watch in silence or talking. I wouldn't be upset by either.

[Whathaveilost]

I think the question needs to be asked is why is she walking on egg shells. It's not necessary a red flag that he is abusive or anything. As a side I went through this about 10 years ago and the atmosphere was terrible but it was due to circumstances beyond Dhs control. It wasn't down to anything I was doing or saying.
However it could be - not saying it is, that the OP is getting on her partners nerves everytime xhe speaks. She could have got into a negative cycle without realising. Or he could just be a grumpy git. I dont know.

Anyway what's wrong in watching a programme without talking? Plenty of time to chat in the ad breaks or when it finishes. Even the boys since they were very young used to sit and watch what they wanted and then turn the tv off when programme was finished. You discuss stuff after.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

I think most people have cottoned on by now that if you use the phrase 'walking on eggshells' in your post, then it's taken Very Seriously and is a massive Red Flag. It's a bit of a buzzphrase (if there is such a thing).

I have a sneaky feeling that a large number of posters have thought 'I sometimes have to choose my words carefully' wrt their loved one and exaggerated a little in order to get answers that they'll like from a thread.....

[Lweji]

As a one off I would still say it was a grumpy overreaction from the dp who likewise could have handled the situation better. Where does he get off telling her how she should have phrased her statement?! A better response from him could have been "yeah but I like her and I'm trying to listen so please can you let me" or whatever. Either way, if he's always trying to modify her behaviour then it doesn't sit well with me.

But then this is trying to modify his behaviour.

If that conversation occurs frequently, the initial negative statement would certainly grate with me.

But also him putting a programme on without consulting me.

[Lweji]

I think I'm just a bit hmm at the amount of people who apparently sit in absolute silence in front of the tv never exchanging words tbh

I have to say that I think the OP was unreasonable but also share your dismay at people who sit watching TV in silence for the entire duration of a show.

I'm all for talking during a TV programme. :)
But talking about it, not rubbishing it if the other person is enjoying it. I just get on my phone or whatever if I'm bored.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Lweji - I think I'm just a bit at the amount of people who apparently sit in absolute silence in front of the tv never exchanging words tbh and the amount calling the op a pain in the ass for commenting. Unfortunately the op hasn't come back to confirm whether or not she is indeed a negative person, but it's quite an assumption to jump to. I understand that this is AIBU and that people have different views, but I'm still pretty staggered that the most telling (to me, anyway!) part of the post has been overlooked by most. If the op always feels she is walking on eggshells why is that? I wouldn't automatically jump to the conclusion that she's negative and always interrupting (though that might be true of course!) As a one off I would still say it was a grumpy overreaction from the dp who likewise could have handled the situation better. Where does he get off telling her how she should have phrased her statement?! A better response from him could have been "yeah but I like her and I'm trying to listen so please can you let me" or whatever. Either way, if he's always trying to modify her behaviour then it doesn't sit well with me.

[Whathaveilost]

In this scenario I think it's you that was the problem.
I don't know about everything else but it seems that you knew he was enjoying the programme ( which was great_ I heart Kate! ) then you come in with negative comments which can be perceived as an implied critism. If you do this a lot you would be a grade 1 pain in the ass.
yabu for talking while a programme I'd on and someone is watching it as well. Good job you weren't in my house!

[wasonthelist]

OP I think it was him in your case, but - ex would present a contrary view to anything I said.

It was so predictable, I don't think she did it on purpose, but she did - and it was everything. It got very wearing.

[Isetan]

I think Top Gear is a pile of shite but I wouldn't enquire why people they didnt share my view, especially while they were watching it. He threw a tantrum but my God woman, you would have tried my patience.

"I was only making conversation" isn't an excuse for being a tit.

Only you can know if this relationship is worth your time.

[Lweji]

I'm really surprised by the amount of responses having a go at the op!

She asked: is it me or him?

Some people have said it's him, others it's the OP. How is that having a go? Can't people say that she could have indeed started the "conversation" in another way and that they felt criticised?

It's probably one of those things that people are not likely to agree on, so take what you want from this thread, OP (if you are reading it).

[CarlaJones]

I'm really, REALLY considering giving up on this relationship because this is the kind of response I get whenever I express an opnion or try and start up a conversation. It's walking on egg shells all the time.

I think you should give up the relationship. You should not be walking on eggshells and scared to discuss anything.

[2rebecca]

Agree he obviously likes Kate bush and you don't. If you didn't want to watch the programme you should have said so at the beginning otherwise you can discuss her after the programme has finished. Pop stars are personal taste. If you don't like her singing and style and don't understand why some people do after watching half an hour of a programme on her then your boyfriend wasn't going to be able to explain why he liked her in a couple of sentences so he could go back to watching it.
The way you phrased stuff sounds as though you wanted an argument about Kate bush not to continue watching a programme on her

[LittleLionMansMummy]

I'm really surprised by the amount of responses having a go at the op! My dh has a tendency to be a bit of a mood hoover (which he accepts and to be fair has really improved over the last few years in particular) but I don't see anything wrong with expressing an opinion about something I'm watching. For example Corrie - "this storyline is rubbish because", "I disagree because etc." In much the same way that you exchange views about practically everything else in life. If I get pissed off with him commenting and believe he's ruining my enjoyment of the programme I ask him if I can watch the rest in peace and suggest he listens to the football or whatever. I don't get huffy, switch it off and criticise the way he's made his point. It's a fucking TV show ffs - not a discussion about the Syrian crisis. I don't really 'get' Queen (dh loves them) and would say as much but would still be quite interested in watching a documentary about them. "I don't really get Kate Bush" is not the same as saying "I don't like this documentary, turn it off now". Jees. The most telling comment in the op is the bit that says she's considering giving up on the relationship as it's always like walking on eggshells. Doesn't sound like a happy relationship to me!

[nooka]

Kate Bush is a bit of an acquired taste. She was quite interesting shall we say. Certainly she was a bit different.

I would have found the OP really annoying. Surely watching the documentary would have provided all the info required as to why some people really rate her? A bit weird to ask 'what's so special' about her while a documentary was presumably saying precisely why she is considered special.

I would have read her comments as 'Kate Bush is shit' and thought it was a passive aggressive way of telling me to turn off the program. It would spoil the pleasure I took in watching the show and really piss me off.

I don't think that the DP's suggestion was problematic, it was an example of a less aggressive way to discuss the show that could have led to an interesting conversation.

[steff13]

I've never heard of her, either. I googled, and it doesn't look like she's had a huge presence here in the US, though.

[Nandocushion]

I used to make negative comments all the time - as though it was my only way to start a conversation. It wasn't until it was pointed out to me by a friend that I realised and have made a big effort not to do it anymore. I can't tell from your post whether you do the same thing or whether your DP is just a bit of a whinger, but it would be worth taking a good long look at yourself to see if you do indeed do this. Not being this way (or at least, not quite so much) has made a big difference to me.

[BertieBotts]

It's him. The exact example of conversation is a red herring and you'll end up with this response of "Oh but it could have been taken X way" for hours.

This is key:

I'm really, REALLY considering giving up on this relationship because this is the kind of response I get whenever I express an opnion or try and start up a conversation. It's walking on egg shells all the time.

Your gut instinct is right - ditch! How long have you been together?

[TheRealAmyLee]

In my house it would go
"I don't get the kate bush thing"
"Well why are you watching this then? Shut up or feck off to bed"

Theres way more to this that the op is giving.

[lorelei9]

Kessia "Think people love or hate Kate bush, not much in between (I fit in former category!)"

I rather like her but I am not a huge fan or anything.

[Kessia24]

Think people love or hate Kate bush, not much in between (I fit in former category!)

you are probably both being unreasonable - try going along with things he likes that you don't like and leave the negative comments to yourself. He shouldn't expect you to like something just because he does, but compromise doesn't hurt. On some level we all have to do stuff we don't like for the sake of our DPs. But he was U to start an argument instead of waiting and having a proper calm conversation about his concerns.

[OutToGetYou]

I just asked DH, 42, and he says he can't stand Kate Bush, never could, says she gets right on his pip.

[Lweji]

Almost never listen to music, almost never watch TV, don't have a phone. I'm either a Neanderthal or a Renaissance Man, I'm not sure which.

But you have a computer or a tablet.