Where did this conversation go wrong? is it me or him??

[WykeSprite]

Came in from a night out with DP last night. Had a bit to drink but both relatively sober.

He sits down and puts on a documentry about Kate Bush.

I sit next to him and watch it with him.

After half an hour or so I start up the following conversation:

me: "I don't really get Kate Bush - I mean, I don't get why she's so famous and everyone thinks she's so amazing ... "

him: "well, they don't. you're watching a documentry on her so obviously they'll all be saying positive things."

me: "oh yeah I know, I'm just saying in general I just can't understand why she's as big as she is, I mean what is special about her?"

him: "oh well I'll turn it off then."

me: "??? no I'm not saying turn it off! I'm just saying I don't get it ... "

him: "yeah well you don't like anything I like so I'll just turn it off."

me: "I'm not wanting an argument over it! I was just trying to start up a conversation!"

him: "well it's a trend with you isn't it, anything I like you don't like so I might as well just turn it off."

----

I'm really, REALLY considering giving up on this relationship because this is the kind of response I get whenever I express an opnion or try and start up a conversation. It's walking on egg shells all the time. I've just tried to speak to him about it now and he said I should have approached it more diplomatically. I asked for an example and he suggested:

"You like Kate Bush Don't you? I much prefer ((insert artist here)) as ((insert reason here)) "

I mean is that really what relationships are about? a systematic approach to conversation??

I'm ready for the truth here. Tell it to me straight, is it me or him?

Me too!

You were watching a music documentary and you started to chatter about how not so great you thought the subject of it was, knowing that he likes her and had chosen to watch the programme.

So now neither of you can hear the commentary or the music, you are talking negatively about something he likes and he points out that you seem to do things like this a lot!

Maybe the eggshells are because you simply don't respect his point of view and he tells you when you are being rude.

But it certainly seems that you aren't all that compatible, not for the Kate Bush thing, but for the inability to communicate without getting fraught!

Your comments were hardly insightful though were they? You'd have pissed me off if you were talking through my programme and i would probably have got grumpy and bad temperedly offered to switch it off too

Sounds like more you tbh. Sorry! Although he could have been less arsey and expressed why he didn't like what you were saying better.

I agree that you may well have come across as negative, and if you often start conversations in a negative way then I can see why he was irritated. It could have seemed as if you were belittling his opinion, because he must at least vaguely like Kate bush if he chose to watch a documentary about her.

I've found that it's better to start a conversation like this by asking someone's opinion on something rather than expressing a negative opinion yourself. Or by making a positive or neutral comment like 'it's interesting how she did xyz and abc happened'. That way you're not either inviting someone to join you in a complaining session, or for them to disagree with you.

Music is very personal - so why interrupt him and not just say 'I'm off to bed' or do something else?

I think it's a combination. Your first comment was fine and his response reasonable.
Your second comment was annoying but he was passive aggressive saying he would turn it off.

It doesn't sound like either of you communicate very well.

Considering her career spans what? 4 decades? She's hardly on. It was a real treat to have those programmes on last night.
It sounds like you were spoiling it. So I can see where your DH is coming from.
(Although, I can perhaps be a bit like you were if DH is listening to cricket.)

This is about more than Kate Bush.
Is he right? Are you quite negative and critical?

In his place I wouldn't know how to respond to your comment.
You said you didn't like her and you couldn't understand how anyone thought she was amazing.

What did you expect him to answer?

I would be the one questioning whether to go on with you if you made these comments about things I liked all the time.

As an alternative, why not start by asking him why he likes her and what he likes in her? Then mention what you don't like about her.

At this rate he will be the one walking on eggshells about his tastes. He'll think twice again about putting anything with Kate Bush on because he'll get your negative comments about her.

I think you were the one who piped up criticising what he was watching in the middle of his programme.

If I was watching something about an artist I liked and my dp was trying to make conversation with me about how shit they were, then id be pretty annoyed. His reaction sounds like he feels youve got form for this.

I would personally find that annoying - if I was watching a documentary about somebody/something I liked, and the other person was trying to get me to justify my/other people's interest.

Him saying "well, they don't. you're watching a documentary on her so obviously they'll all be saying positive things." - that was an attempt to point out to you that not everybody does like her.

Are you one of those people who is generally negative about things they don't like? For me - if you were genuinely curious about the secret of her success and you weren't just trolling - you could have said "What do you think makes her so popular?"

Learning how to speak in a way that doesn't upset people is not always walking on eggshells. If I was watching Harry Potter for example and somebody kept saying 'God Harry Potter is so rubbish, why does anybody like it? It's just a kids book! Blah blah' I'd lose my shit because I love Harry Potter

That would really piss me off if I was trying to watch something.

Do you often feel the need to have conversations when someone is watching the telly?

I think he sounds like hard work tbh and someone itching to be offended.

Unless you have rained on every one of his parades since you got together, in which case you shouldn't really be together.

You are asking the impossible here. no one could comment on a relationship based on this alone and even then it's inevitably biased because it would be from your point of view only. i Would be annoyed to have someone comment mid program on someone I really liked in a negative way. Maybe you are opinionated or just come across that way? Maybe he is over sensitive ? Do you expect the man to be sensitive to your thoughts and feelings only or is does he feel the same about you?

You both need to sit down and talk this through honestly. If he says you are over critical look at your behaviour and if you honestly don't believe you are and are looking at a life of tiptoeing around someone, then end it.

DH and I have similar conversations sometimes. We like none of the same TV. It's exhausting for both of us.

The only way we have learned to cope is by acknowledging that a dislike isn't a personal criticism of taste.

You interrupted his watching the documentary - YABU

If he's right and you're consistently negative about what he likes - YABU

If this was a one off and you aren't always negative about his interests then YANBU but you could have chosen a better time to discuss it.

You are quite correct about her being shit, mind.
The fact that you don't like an artist doesn't make them shit, Reality
I believe the expressions you're searching for are: Kate Bush doesn't appeal to me or I'm not a fan

Actually, I'm with your DH on this. Its off putting when someone is critical of a programme you're in the middle of watching, whether it's the way the programme is made or the subject matter. If you're actually watching it, then a discussion during it means you miss bits, and if its critical, then its not an enjoyable joint activity any more.

If you want to have a discussion about it, wait till the ad break, and think about whether what you're saying is in fact " I don't want to watch this programme" but in a passive aggressive kinda way.
If my DH is reading this, please take note!

Is this an insecurity thing do you think OP?

Would you for example have started running down a male artist/group, say Status Quo (as an example of something I don't get myself actually), or did you start on Kate Bush because a lot of people find her sexy and amazing, and perhaps you thought he did too and it bothered you, made you feel a little jealous? If he fancies Kate then how can he fancy me too, I'm nothing like her perhaps?

Just wondered what your thought process was and why you felt the need to run down something he was clearly interested in.

My husband does this, anyone on the TV I admit to fancying gets run down (lovely David Tennant's ears should be burning after what gets said about him in this house) but I recognize it for what it is, my husband's own insecurity. Doesn't make it any less annoying when it's happening while I'm trying to watch Broadchurch though. We have TV you can rewind and basically this is how I deal with it, rewind back to the place before he started talking over what I was watching. I rewind twice and if this passive aggression doesn't deal with it, then, on the third rewind, I lose the passivity and he gets told what's what, then that's usually him skulking off to sulk and I get to finish my program in peace.

But you kept going on about it while he was watching, that would have irritated me too!
Did you want to turn it off?
It's a bit like saying why are we doing this in the middle of an activity.

Other ways in which to strike a conversation in the same situation:

I remember that song. I liked the other one that didn't go to number 1 better.
I can understand that people like her but I never did. (State reason)
I've watched this for quite a bit and I don't even like her. I'm off to bed/could we watch something else?

Have any previous bf/partners ever complain about your negativity?

OTHO, did he ask you if you wanted to watch that documentary? Did you both say nothing for a whole hour?
Why do you think you made that comment?

OP you should change your name to Buzz Killington.

I think he was over arsey at the end insisting on switching it off but then I think you spoiled it for him.

It is quite annoying watching something you like and another person wittering on negatively about it. I was once watching a documentary about the Holocaust and OH prattled on every few minutes about it being gloomy and miserable. In the end I told him to STFU and let me watch it in peace.

I think its rude to constantly comment negatively when someone is interested in a programme. We all have different interests.... you need to respect that I just go off and do something else when OH puts on XT flaming C

What you actually said was, "Stop watching that documentary; focus on me "

Because there was no way he could have continued the "conversation" you tried to initiate, without doing exactly that.

So, imo, YABU.

If it is a trend for you to snark about things he watches/likes then YABU. There are many ways to comment about something without it coming across as negative.

YABU
Because

1. You tried to start a conversation while he was watching something of interest to him

2 you effectively criticised what he's interested in, maybe if you want to do that later, but it's like going up to him in the gym and saying "why are you working out?"

No one was forcing you to watch. Quite nice of him to offer to switch off instead of asking you to be quiet, which is what I'd have done.

He sounds annoying.