To ask about nursery or childminder

[Shiningdew]

I am looking round some next week and thought I'd throw it out there tonight - which do you use and why? :)

I'm seeing a childminder today! It isn't that I have written it off completely but there are things I feel a bit worried about and some responses have reassured me on that front or helped to - it's just it's as individual as the childminder.

Logical or otherwise the idea of my children bonding with another woman in her home makes me feel a bit replaced I suppose.

Re the nanny - I didn't say I didn't want to spend a few minutes working out net pay; I said I couldn't.

Also I did say in my OP a nanny was a possibility - I haven't once mentioned grandparents or staying at home which was why I was genuinely s bit baffled when that was thrown into the mix!

I use a CM because I wanted a home environment. Not an 'institution' for my baby who is kept in one room and progresses to the next room at a particular age/development.
At my CMs there are children of various ages that my nearly 4 yr old has socialised with since he was 8 months old. Also she is hugely flexible. Also thinking ahead to school, she does school drop-offs and pick ups. Most nurseries don't. They take children up to the age of 5 and once they start school, you either have to rely on breakfast and afterschool club if they have one or start looking for a childminder.

Also, rather personal reasons so no bearing on OP's choice, but no nursery near me could take my child at the time I wanted (7am) and my CM is outstandin, lives in old farm buildings, in the countryside, surrounded by a pig farm (they are allowed to go for learning walks etc when talking about 'The Three Little Pigs').

Even if they bond really well with a childminder, she's never going to replace you in your children's affections. You'll still be their mummy and they'll still love you more than her.

And IMO, it's a good thing for a child's emotional health and well-being if a child bonds well with whoever is caring for them. A childminder / nanny / nursery nurse who shows her charges lots of affection and makes them feel loved is what a small child needs.

I was a sahm, however I would never have used a childminder based on what I witnessed of CM's when out and about, at toddler groups, on the school run, etc.

For me it's not about hurting the children, in truth this could happen in any kind of setting and you just can't live your life in that level of paranoia, but it was more the benign neglect/uncaring attitude from the majority of them which would put me off.

And this wasn't necessarily something which would translate to the kids,it was small things but all of which added up to not very good - iyswim. things like just ignoring the kids at toddler group, leaving a baby in a car to drop/collect another from preschool, arranging with another parent to collect one of her charges because she had a dentist appointment, dragging little ones along to her own children's after school activities and leaving them in a pushchair or on the grass with a snack while she gossiped with her mates - often about the parents of said charges...

The kids were generally attached to these cm's, and the parents would have just been oblivious because they're not out and about to witness the way that childminders treat their children.

I suppose that's my disquiet wannabe - you just don't know.

We'd probably have an au pair when DCs are school age - don't like breakfast/after school clubs.

I prefer childminder for babies/toddlers, nursery when older.

One childminder didn't quite feel right to me so I took ds3 out after 2 sessions (on paper was very good - just sent my spidey senses tingling) - and a few years later she was on the front page of the local rag. No children harmed but not appropriate behaviour for a childminder.

Another childminder was excellent. Very professional, very organic (high quality), very reliable, lots of thought into development, warm & caring & responsive to individual needs.

Also over my 3 kids experienced a nursery I had to pull my son out of with no notice (a chain one) and an excellent small local nursery.

I am still friends with the good childminder & good nursery manager/owner.

Out of a nursery with no notice -

YANBU to feel looking's contribution was unhelpful, OP. Good luck today.

You couldn't tell from the very limited information given by shining that utilising grandparents or becoming a sahp were out of the question.

Equally, shining said nothing to suggest lookingup's anecdote would be in any way helpful or even welcome to her. This is why OP's response at 21.39 was so very perfect.

Not sure why looking's reply has caused so much rattiness either. I stayed at home with mine for the same reason - my mother couldn't do it (lived too far away) and I just didn't want to leave them with anyone for whom they would be an economic rather than an emotional concern.
Plenty of friends had their children in nurseries and with childminders and they all grew up perfectly fine in their care, just as mine did.
Horses for courses. I don't read any implied criticism in looking's OP.

If there was no criticism it was useless.

If there was criticism is was still useless

I'm not ratty - I'm genuinely baffled! If I'd started a thread saying 'what childcare do you use' fair dos but I didn't!

Anyway I've seen one person who makes a living out of making an economic concern out of children - more to come!

We've used two CMs and DD is now in nursery.

When she was a baby, I much preferred CM. Only left the first one because they moved house and we were trying to juggle things with future nursery/school places, otherwise I would have stayed with her forever, I knew she and DD adored each other. We never had a problem with illness or unreliability at all. I loved having DD with a CM, personally I preferred that more homely environment for a very young child.

DD is now at private nursery (3.5) - not entirely a choice, more due to inability to get CM and nursery places to add up, and at 3.5 we felt that DD needed that sort of group education. I would have preferred a CM doing wraparound care for nursery sessions but that turned out not to be possible. She LOVES nursery and has learnt a huge amount even in a few months. Definitely the right choice for her age.

So if we do it all again, I would say CM for younger children, nursery for older children. Depending, of course, if you like both.

There's a thread somewhere about side effects of fluoxetine. Quite a lot of people have posted that they've never taken it! I think the clue might be in the section title "Talk". It tends to be more of a chat than a question and answer session.

OP, with regard to your children bonding with someone else - the way I looked at it was that if I could find the right person, it would just be one more person in my child's life giving them love and being a positive influence. That can't be a bad thing, can it?

We've had 3 childminders (moved house after CM1, my hours changed after CM2 which is why I moved to CM3). They've all been good in their way but CM1 in particular was pure gold. She genuinely adored the children in her care and my daughter (aged 1-2) was treated like a member of the family - actually she was spoiled rotten by the CM's children (aged 5 & 8).

I saw so many childminders before I found the right one, and I was starting to think I'd never find what I was looking for. Trust your instinct, you'll know when you've found the right place.

Incidentally we went with childminders because we couldn't afford the nurseries near us, but our experience with CMs was so positive that if we could go back to that time and had the money ... I'd still choose a childminder.

Childminder - making an economic concern out of children
Nursery - making an economic concern out of children
Nanny - making an economic concern out of children

If your concern is that they are making an economic concern out of your child then shining's answer is the only viable one. But then you would have an economic concern.

So YABU simply because you haven't actually posted an aibu and are unwilling to enter into discussion of any other option other than a nursery.

Let me be clear that I haven't the least problem with people making money out of looking after others' children. They are providing a much-needed service and most do it well. I on the other hand am terminally, and unnecessarily, wet.

It depends - on your child, on the cm/nursery and on their age, in my opinion.

We've used a CM up to now (DD is 2.5), and our CM is genuinely wonderful, but are hopefully about to switch to nursery.

Trust your instinct on each individual setting when you visit, it will almost always be 100% correct.

Queen, I've said twice now I've visited a childminder today - anyway thanks for the relevant answers, I don't have a clue why some people are trying to start an argument - must be bored or something

OP, it's pretty obvious from your responses that you are leaning towards Nursery. You're picking up & commenting on all the negatives mentioned around child minders - but not nursery. And you aren't engaging with any of the positives of child minders.

No problem with that from my end - sometimes asking people is effective in clarifying your own POV, no matter what their answers are.

Childminder and Nursery here. I work mon-fri so DD is at CM on mon and thurs and nursery tues and weds.

She loves both, she gets family style care at the CM (she is taking her to the supermarket this afternoon, was at park this morning). Nursery is the best in the area, too expensive for us 4 days a week but great for her to socialise at, plus they have a fantastic woodland and classes like music and sensory all included.

The way I have organised it is that if the CM is on holiday I get to have long weekends with DD so we go away. Also no nursery on a monday means I dont have to pay for bank holidays.

I provide all food at CM so the diet can be what I want. Nursery accommodates all dietry requirements (currently we are no jelly as DD hates it )

Choosing a childminder is difficult fortunately I knew one and she is fab.

hope this helps!

Childminders and nurseries (and nannies for that matter too) have pros and cons, and what those pros/cons exactly are depend on your opinion about the different kinds of care and what is important to you.

To me, a childminder is a single point of failure, if they are ill you have no back up. If they are not providing good care you have no one else around to notice. Also, finding a like-minded childminder whose home is a setting you're happy with could be a very difficult process. Childminders also can have several children to look after at the same time, just like a nursery would.

Nurseries can vary wildly in quality of care and quality of environment. I'm extremely fortunate to have a brilliant nursery for my DS, which follows a particular early learning education philosophy. That means that the play is child centred and fairly free flowing, with access to the outside spaces whenever the children want. The nursery worker to child ratio is good and staff turnover is low. The outside space is huge and well maintained, as is the inside space. They grow vegetables, keep chickens and have other animals as well. The children often pick veg they have grown and then help to cook it for lunch. It is absolutely not an "institution" type vibe at all, it's a wonderful environment for children to be, and my DS loves it there.

However, I've seen and heard of much less pleasant settings, that I wouldn't want to send my child to. The only way of knowing is to go and see a few nurseries and childminders and see what you feel.

My DS (nearly 14mo) has just started nursery this week [sob] and I definitely think I made the right choice.

A childminder didn't sit right with me. As they would be caring for different children of different ages I worried that DS would just get dragged along to various activities and not necessarily be given the attention he needs. There is also the issue of sickness and holiday absences which is a problem as we have no alternative.

I put a huge amount of time into researching which nursery would be best for DS. I visited every one in our town, and the 2 final choices twice. I made sure there was ample outside space (his nursery has amazing wooded areas, a maze, mud kitchen, veg garden etc). One thing I liked was they let him choose his key worker, so they monitor it over a couple of weeks and see who he bonds with best.
There is a really low staff turnover. The staff are experienced and mature. The meals are healthy and balanced.

He's just having his second day. His first day was brilliant, he loved it and was in such a great mood when he got home. I've called them today for an update (which they are more than happy to provide) and he's great. He's got a bit of a runny nose so they are monitoring his temperature.

Anyway, I was absolutely dreading leaving him and going back to work, but now feel so much better about it. I think I really made the right choice.

Fwiw I agree that looking's response was unhelpful. And tbh it came across a little smug and judgey. I would love to stay home with my beautiful DS, but some of us have absolutely no option but to use childcare so I really am not sure of the point she was trying to make.

DD is almost 3 and until I went on at leave in July was with a childminder. It was perfect, a range of children but not too many, a home from home environment, flexibility and the chance to do 'real' things like the school run- there's no harm in fitting in with others sometimes.
I prefer someone who had been a mum to some of the younger staff at nurseries.
It's personal preference but when I go back to work again I will use a combination of pre school and childminder for dd and childminder for ds. I hope never to use a nursery as I don't like the nurseries nearby.

I've used both: four (good or outstanding rated) nurseries in two places and found our CM a million times better. We were so lucky to find her.

Nurseries don't publish their staff turnover rates or DC absence rates: these things were a big problem at three of the four nurseries we used. There were some very good-seeming staff but many others who seemed cold and ignored or were harsh to DC. We lost trust in two of the nurseries after injuries and incidents and DC were tense and unhappy. The other two were better but not a patch on our CM.

DC also got sick much less than they did when in nursery.