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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not tell anyone I'm in labour?

127 replies

ollieplimsoles · 05/09/2015 17:58

Need some context from people who have given birth before, but I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

Last year when DH's cousin had her baby, every one knew she was in labour, her mum texted MIL, who texted us at 10pm at night to tell us she was '5cms and settled in at hospital' We then got an hourly text of updates from MIL. I found it so cringy.

Today we told MIL that we would prefer not to tell anyone when I go into labour, and instead just tell people when the baby arrives. I HATE the idea of the whole family knowing whats going on and just hanging around waiting. They see it as a family affair, I see it as something totally private that they don't need to know about. We even decided not to tell people if I go over and have a date booked for induction.

MIL in particular thinks this is really strange and is not happy about it, she always assumed we would tell her whats happening as it happens. My mum is more understanding, because she told her own mother she was going into hospital and the whole family turned up in the waiting area, she really regretted it and wishes she hadn't told anyone.

To avoid drip feeding- we are planning a home birth that mil is not supportive of (doesn't think its safe/ has tried to talk us out of it a lot) and she feels that not letting her know when its happening is a 'step too far'.

Did you feel comfortable with people other than yourself (obviously!) and your partner knowing you were in labour?

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AuntieStella · 05/09/2015 18:02

No YADNU.

I think labour is best 'announced' at its conclusion, not its onset.

The only people we ever told were the people who had agreed to look after the elder DC when I had the younger ones.

lighteningirl · 05/09/2015 18:03

I was in labour for 36 and 42 hours everyone knew but at start only me and dh knew he actually could have done with a lot more support so I wish we'd had people who cared enough to want to know. Do what's right for you not what's right for anyone else

LadySheherazade · 05/09/2015 18:04

I only let my mum now. I think it's far more normal to not tell people than to tell them tbh.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 05/09/2015 18:04

YANBU. I'm due in two weeks and we won't be telling anyone until all is done and dusted (even though there was no danger of ILs turning up at the hospital). That was how we did it with our other two as well.

StarlingMurmuration · 05/09/2015 18:04

I was comfortable about it, but for one into, none of my or FP's family would have dreamed of turning up til DS was born. If they'd been the type to be clueless about boundaries, as your ILs sound, I wouldn't have had a problem NOT telling them, and eye have had to lump it. Don't tell them, OP, if you'd rather not. If you want an easy life beforehand, tell them you WILL tell them as soon as you go into labour, then just don't. First they'll know then is when your DC is born.

RaspberryOverload · 05/09/2015 18:05

YANBU, do what feels comfortable for you. Not your MIL, or even your DH, but you. You're the patient, so in labour and birth, it's your needs that come first, and if that means not telling people, then that's what should happen.

Bullshitbingo · 05/09/2015 18:05

Do what you want, but stop talking about it in advance if you know it will upset family. Once baby is here, they won't be as bothered about who knew whether you were in labour.

Also my sister told my mum and then proceeded to have a very stressful 2 day labour culminating in an emc. Nearly killed my mum with the worry. She said next time she'd rather not know til baby's here and everyone is safe. Best way IMO.

StarlingMurmuration · 05/09/2015 18:05

FFS, autocorrect. Sorry, my post is essentially gibberish.

TheCatsMother99 · 05/09/2015 18:05

YANBU.... Your labour, your decision.

I would feel the same as you and would want a bit of privacy too, not a running commentary to all family.

shoopshoopsong · 05/09/2015 18:05

Yanbu at all. I only told my mum I was in labour cos it was taking ages and I was bored. Otherwise would have just announced it after. Seriously, no one can resent you for that you're busy having a baby! This time I'll have to tell MIL because she'll babysit DC1, otherwise I wouldn't

Idefix · 05/09/2015 18:05

Nobody apart from dh (who was with me) knew until after the fact with ds, with dd it was slightly different as obviously needed someone to care for ds. However all they knew was we were in labour end of.

I confess I don't understand the need for minute by minute updates on what is a private thing. I think this ight be to do with social media etc.

Op yanbu, you only have to tell who you want. It is your labour.

ollieplimsoles · 05/09/2015 18:06

Thanks AuntieStella

This is our first DC so there are added nerves. Also the families are extremely excited as this is the first grandchild on both sides and they are both staking their claims to the baby already (when they intend to visit/ whats happening at Christmas/ when we babysit) it makes me very anxious and I'm just wanting it to be a private time with some time afterwards for just us three. Maybe I'm being precious.

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Ragwort · 05/09/2015 18:07

It wouldn't have occurred to me in a million years to tell anyone when I was in labour - it's not until I read it on Mumsnet that I realised people did make an announcement Hmm. Unless you need practical help (ie with other children) - why on earth would you tell anyone? We telephoned our parents once DS had been born (EMCS) and we both felt 'ready' to announce the news.

Your MIL sounds very controlling .... why does she feel she should be told?

Junosmum · 05/09/2015 18:07

I'm totally with you. Had this discussion with OH yesterday. I don't want anyone to know. He has reluctantly agreed.

DDDDDORA · 05/09/2015 18:08

YANBU
DH and I didn't tell anyone when I went into labour with DD1, I felt that I just wanted to be left in peace and that it was private. It did upset a couple of family members but they quickly got over it.
Do what is most comfortable for you.

Sighing · 05/09/2015 18:08

For a first: Definitely after the event for me. If there are complications a text to immediate mothers/ support makes sense.
My (ex)MIL drove me crazy in labour 2 because she'd kindly taken DD1 for the day. She expected hourly updates (minimum), all the details of any treatments etc. (I have short labours and dd2 was very uneventful so my pushover ex had little to tell her thank goodness).

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 05/09/2015 18:09

I told people when I was in labour each time - because that's what worked for me. You need to be as relaxed as possible, when you are in labour, and so you are absolutely NOT being unreasonable to not want to tell anyone.

I had two home births, and they were lovely experiences, and I hope yours is just as wonderful. I did host an NCT coffee morning when I was in labour with ds3 - which was good because everyone made their own coffee and did the washing up for me!

ollieplimsoles · 05/09/2015 18:10

Starling Yes my ILs are exactly the type to turn up at the hospital unannounced.

My MIL brought it up today and we told her we planned not to tell anyone, other wise we wouldn't have mentioned it. We don't see eye to eye with her, Dh has a lot of problems with her, but we didn't want to intentionally upset her.

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CigarsofthePharoahs · 05/09/2015 18:10

I agree with AuntieStella . I only told my mum and dad as they were looking after my eldest for the 2nd and for my first child - well everything was taking so flipping long it was nice to have my mum around for a little bit so dh could get a bit of rest. My parents were under strict instructions both times to not tell anyone until AFTER I'd told the people I wanted to tell myself directly.
Surely the last thing you want during the whole process is to be worrying about sending updates to people - or having messages arriving demanding updates!
Hope all goes well with the home birth!

BlackeyedSusan · 05/09/2015 18:12

this is your pregnancy. you get to decide...

GoooRooo · 05/09/2015 18:12

YANBU. My mother asked us to let her know when I went into labour and we did just because we thought she was excited to know.

She then turned up at the delivery suite uninvited and was miffed when I asked her to leave.

She will have to know this time too, because she will be looking after DS, but at least that means she won't turn up at the hospital!

ollieplimsoles · 05/09/2015 18:12

Your MIL sounds very controlling .... why does she feel she should be told?

She is Ragwort, we have a difficult relationship with her and its being hard throughout the pregnancy.

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ollieplimsoles · 05/09/2015 18:14

She has a way of making it sound like its the 'done' thing. If that makes sense? Which makes me question whether or not I am just being PFB

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Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 05/09/2015 18:14

I only told a friend who rang me during the first stages, and forgot a lunch date with another friend who guessed! Wasnt in the mood to ring round and tell everyone! Second time was just my sister and childminder ... but then i suppose DH work friends knew as he wasnt in work.... didnt know it was a thing!

TeaAndNoSympathy · 05/09/2015 18:15

I'm very close to my mum but it didn't occur to let her know when I went into labour. I only told her the second time because she was needed to look after DC1. YANBU.