To not tell anyone I'm in labour?

[ollieplimsoles]

Need some context from people who have given birth before, but I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

Last year when DH's cousin had her baby, every one knew she was in labour, her mum texted MIL, who texted us at 10pm at night to tell us she was '5cms and settled in at hospital' We then got an hourly text of updates from MIL. I found it so cringy.

Today we told MIL that we would prefer not to tell anyone when I go into labour, and instead just tell people when the baby arrives. I HATE the idea of the whole family knowing whats going on and just hanging around waiting. They see it as a family affair, I see it as something totally private that they don't need to know about. We even decided not to tell people if I go over and have a date booked for induction.

MIL in particular thinks this is really strange and is not happy about it, she always assumed we would tell her whats happening as it happens. My mum is more understanding, because she told her own mother she was going into hospital and the whole family turned up in the waiting area, she really regretted it and wishes she hadn't told anyone.

To avoid drip feeding- we are planning a home birth that mil is not supportive of (doesn't think its safe/ has tried to talk us out of it a lot) and she feels that not letting her know when its happening is a 'step too far'.

Did you feel comfortable with people other than yourself (obviously!) and your partner knowing you were in labour?

Yours wasn't the MIL who came and put all new bedding on that she liked was it?

Youarentkiddingme

No thats not my mil, but yes the medical records thing was grim, we have had just such a long and stressful time with her. DH has considered going NC with her many times. It will probably come to that one of these days but I just want to at least give her the chance to be a grandma, she could be totally different.

I went for a walk in early labour and met a colleague and I pretended nothing was happening and we were going to lunch. She went back to work and reported that it would be a good few days yet as nothing was happening. DD was born that night.

I just can't get my head round people expecting to know every contraction and detail.....mind you it sounds like she carries on like an Eastenders character so it's all in keeping I guess.......thank god everyone I know and am related to is more in the classic middle class English repressed mode....they'd rather drink arsenic than foist themselves on other peoples most intimate moments!

I'd be pointing out that until the baby arrives, the only updates anyone could possibly get would involve the state of your cervix. Then I'd ask her, probably with a head tilt, why she wanted to know about your cervix in such intimate detail.

Seriously though, you probably need to speak to someone at the hospital - not sure who the relevant person would be - and tell them that there's been a previous confidentiality breach involving your MIL and if you are transferred you do not under any circumstances want any information give to her - even a yes or no as to whether you are there. And make it clear that any breach of this will lead to a serious complaint.

Hello ollie!

I have a saying after my last 2 births (where my whole family led by my father felt it was unreasonable for me to tell them to piss off 2 hours after giving birth. Apparently if you can manage it at home, you're being a selfish bitch depriving your family from visiting! Especially your nasty teenage sister who arrives shorty after the birth to announce "ohmygod! How is she not gonna get stretchmarks onher tits!") and that saying is:

my vagina, my business

Task a good friend with guarding your door, task a relative with protecting all three of you after the birth.

give them swords.

I would definitely avoid telling anyone, especially as you'll be at home. Imagine them showing up and sitting there.....

I didn't tell anyone for DC1 (hospital birth) - we just called people at about 7.30 in the morning after he arrived around 6am.

For DC2 (home birth) PIL were in the house as DC1 was under 2 years old and we needed to have someone else there in case of hospital transfer.

For DC3 (home birth) my DPs were on their way, but DC3 was speedy and turned up before they got there. He was born in the bathroom with DH downstairs blissfully unaware of the fast progression, sorting out tea for DC1&2 (4.5 and 2.5 years old). So it was quite private in the end, just not quite as I'd planned :)

Don't do anything you're not comfortable with. Your labour, your choice!

I didn't tell anyone when I was in labour with dd, I didn't want people constantly asking for updates but I also didn't want them worrying (dd was a few weeks prem and I wanted to tell them that she had arrived and was healthy, and not that I was in premature labour which would have sent my parents into a panic).

With dc2 I will probably have to tell my parents as they will be looking after dd unless the birth happens overnight and dd sleeps through it (also planning a homebirth this time.)

Tell your Mil that you have changed your mind and will be going into hospital, and that you will definitely call her when you go into labour. This will hopefully get her off your back. Then do exactly what you planned all along, have a homebirth and call her when it's all over.

We told nobody till the baby arrived - except DH's work as he had to call in to say he was starting paternity leave as I had gone into to labour. However when my niece was born we and everyone in the family got hourly updates of dilation, nausea, pain-relief options etc. for the full 48 hours from waters breaking to delivery - would have much preferred just a call when she had arrived!

I had first DC at home and made DH promise not call his mum when I was in labour. I really didn't want to have to worry about other people waiting for 'updates'.

What happened in practise was that I went into labour early evening, laboured though the night and DH asked if he could call his mum around late morning. I was in very established labour at this point, DS born about 2 hrs later.

Would subterfuge work?

Neither set of parents lived near us, and they were only phoning once or twice a week, not daily. So, when I knew that Dd would arrive within the next 48 hours (I'd been sent home for the night after my waters went, and been told 24 - 48 hours) we just 'casually' phones both sets of parents for a chat, no news, no hint of baby coming, we were just catching up with nothing to say etc etc. That way we knew we'd got a couple of days before they expected us to phone again, and we didn't feel under any pressure to get in touch.

48 hours later, DH was able to phone them and tell them that DD had arrived.

Can you think of something like that?

And STOP telling her anything - or constantly change your story and tell her different things, so that she has no idea of what is going on. Tell her you're going to space for a gravity-free birth if necessary, just don't give her even a grain of information that she can find out about. And you don't have to tell her where you give birth, or how it went, just say "ta-da - we have a baby."

We told no one. DH was on holiday for Christmas period so didn't even have to tell work. We had spoken to PIL earlier that evening. I started about 10pm and DS was here by 11am the next morning.

If you are at home and she rings, you can ignore the phone. She sounds like a nightmare tbh. If she turned up at the door the midwife would sort her out. If you went into hospital they should be told by you that absolutely no one, especially her, is to be given info or let into the ward to see you. It is a serious breach of patient privacy and confidentiality if they did anything else.

I would move away ultimately and go NC. She sounds a bit disturbed.

I didn't tell anyone. My friend rang my mum after the baby had been born and dp rang his parents after. I know my mum and if I'd called her the minute I'd been admitted she'd have been panicking the whole time and I was lucky to have a very quick birth! Also I felt it was a private time, I didn't have loads of family visiting the hospital afterwards either which I also think is fine.

Don't tell them! MiL was with us when I went into labour and we told my mum, then they both had a hugely stressful night/next day because there was no news (long, long labour and we were to 'busy' to update). My poor mum was convinced that something terrible had happened to me or the baby by the time dh finally rang her to say that ds1 had arrived and all was well.

I didn't tell anybody. Homebirths here too and the only people who knew I was in labour were dh and the midwife. We even waited until a reasonable hour in the morning to ring people and tell them the baby had arrived .

This is the issue that just will never die. I have never understood it. There is no other bodily function/medical procedure where anyone would ever dream of overriding patient confidentiality or demanding their rights to be a spectator. Why the fuck is childbirth the only thing where everyone's got rights and demands except the woman who actually has to do it?

NOBODY has the right to be there, or know it's happening, unless YOU say they do, and that includes partners. Your MIL is deranged. I wouldn't need or want to know how many cm dilated my sister in law is every hour and I don't even need to know she's gone into labour unless for some weird reason she wants to tell me. All I need to know is that the baby has been born, she's fine, baby's fine, when is the best time FOR THEM that I can come visit.

What the fuck, seriously. Why does this shit happen so often?

I'd planned not to tell anyone too. Then I was admitted with hypertension so we told our parents as I was a week over and they were texting every day anyway. Both MIL and DM came to see me if the hospital during visiting hours. My contractions had started and I thought I was just in early labour so was happy to see people. MIL had bought in food which was lovely, she left, DM arrived and within 20 minutes my contractions started to get painful and come thick and fast. My dm could see this, but wouldn't leave! She stayed until the end of visiting, at which point I was taken upstairs to delivery! Both DM and MIL were texting dh constantly. Then I stopped dilating and things slowed down which made dm worry because she saw how close together my contractions had been and thought she'd be getting the call very soon after (I think she she was hoping to come back to meet her grandchild during evening visiting hours!). I found dh texting to update people very annoying. He felt he had to because people were worried and he didn't want to upset my mum. He actually left me to phone people several times because he couldn't keep up with the texts. So, imo, you are definitely not being unreasonable in any way. You only have this luxury with your first. When you have another you end up needing someone to look after dc1. Keep the news to yourselves. Good luck with the birth

Holy moly. Just read more of the thread. She tried to access your medical records?

I wouldn't even tell the cow I'd had the baby!

Also, practice saying the following; If I end up in hospital and you use your position to gain access to information about me and my child, I will sue you and the person who gives you the information for breaching patient confidentiality. You will not see any if us again. I'd like you to have a relationship with your grandchildren. If you are willing to throw that away because you can't allow us a small amount of privacy then I can't help you.

Agree with Loki. I know we're supposed to allow everyone to have a relationship with the child and so on, but sometimes people prove that they are irresponsible and not safe to form such a relationship. Someone who tries to exploit their position to gain illegal access to confidential medical records is not someone I'd trust with a small child.

I don't think you even have to worry about how she'll paint you as a result because she'll do that anyway, no matter what you do.

Just caught up with every one's replies!

I have spoken about mil before, I have some other family members who have trouble with boundaries but she is obviously the worst, its been like this for years and we have found the best way to deal with it is to keep her out of the loop as much as possible. Her and dh's relationship is already hanging by a thread. We stick with it for FIL really- who is a wonderful person.

She found out about the home birth when she looked at my maternity record the last time she came to our house, it said 'home' on the front under 'preferred place of delivery'

To be quite honest I don't feel good about engaging with her after the birth at all. If all goes well and we are still at home I will feel so much more powerful and ready to deal with her. If we have to be transferred it will be harder, DH said we should wait till we get home with the baby and she can visit then. She thinks she knows everything, she never had a home birth or knows anyone who has had one but shes still nasty about it to us when she brings it up. I know she will try and make me feel shit with her told you so's if I need to be transferred for whatever reason. Not what I need after going through all that.

My mother fusses and makes herself the centre of attention. She makes all things stressful for others. For that reason she was told the baby's due date was two weeks later than the truth. We thought that was fine as dh was two weeks late and I was one week late. It backfired a bit because the baby arrived just before 37 weeks . DH had to explain all was well. It helped that he was over 7lb and once she knew she had a healthy grandchild she even said she had been spared the anxiety. It helped that I went into labour at 6pm and baby arrived at 2am. She was called at 7.30am in the morning; five minutes before MIL. And got are at 10.30 and the nurse had to wake me up because I hadn't called her at 9 as DH said I would.

She has every right to think what she wants about home birth but she does not have the right to impose her unsolicited opinions about it onto you. I am very sure that you and your husband have done your research and it is your decision. If she really did care about the wellbeing of your unborn child, she would not be putting it at risk by stressing you out unnecessarily (by being nasty about your birth choices, by demanding updates you do not wish to give).

In addition to what Loki said, you might try to focus any communication you have to have on the baby's wellbeing. When she starts drivelling on about her nonexistent rights, you can just say, "It's the baby's wellbeing I'm concerned about, and making me stressed/visiting before we are ready is harmful to that."

You really must be assertive and selfish and about this, because the more stressed and anxious you are, the more likely it is that you will need intervention. Imagine going to hospital unplanned, and having her crowing about it when she's the one who brought it on!

Fuck her and the broomstick she flew in on.

I'll be telling no one when I'm in labour and I'll be having no visitors for the first week at least. I want some time alone as a family first.
DH will want his family to visit before then. When he gives birth he can do what he wants.

Make your wishes clear and stand strong.