To not tell anyone I'm in labour?

[ollieplimsoles]

Need some context from people who have given birth before, but I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

Last year when DH's cousin had her baby, every one knew she was in labour, her mum texted MIL, who texted us at 10pm at night to tell us she was '5cms and settled in at hospital' We then got an hourly text of updates from MIL. I found it so cringy.

Today we told MIL that we would prefer not to tell anyone when I go into labour, and instead just tell people when the baby arrives. I HATE the idea of the whole family knowing whats going on and just hanging around waiting. They see it as a family affair, I see it as something totally private that they don't need to know about. We even decided not to tell people if I go over and have a date booked for induction.

MIL in particular thinks this is really strange and is not happy about it, she always assumed we would tell her whats happening as it happens. My mum is more understanding, because she told her own mother she was going into hospital and the whole family turned up in the waiting area, she really regretted it and wishes she hadn't told anyone.

To avoid drip feeding- we are planning a home birth that mil is not supportive of (doesn't think its safe/ has tried to talk us out of it a lot) and she feels that not letting her know when its happening is a 'step too far'.

Did you feel comfortable with people other than yourself (obviously!) and your partner knowing you were in labour?

The only issue I can see if you have a long labour and go out of contact for a few days they will guess anyway unless you lie and text back/dh answers phone and says nothing happening. My waters went Sunday night and did born Thursday morning. Also with a long drawn out labour people will be worried sick. With hindsight I would have rather my mum and dad didn't know until after as they thought me and or dd had died but I wouldn't have been comfortable lying for 3 days.

Childbirth is not a spectator event. I didn't tell anyone , spoke to my Mum on the phone when I was almost 9cm and didn't mention that I had been in labour all night. No problems at all with my Mum but I just felt intensely private and didn't want the pressure of knowing anyone was waiting for news .

I would lie about your due date: say the mw have re-evaluated since last scan. Give yourself an extra week or so.

The idea that people would be talking about how many centimetres I was gone () horrifies me. Jaysus, talk about invasive!

Rather than tell her you would not be telling anyone, I would not have told her anything at all because now she will be trying to 'find out ' .

I agree with the poster who suggested not phoning and not responding to calls or texts for 24 hours , so that she gets used to it. Your DH needs to turn his phone off, or not look at it once you are underway.

No one knew when I was in labour. Not even me! I was induced and thought it was induction pains. I'll be keeping it exactly the same if my current pregnancy works out, although I suppose I should tell my dh this time!

Your MIL sounds like a control freak. Have you told her your actual due date? Agree with Blu in a way but it's a dangerous game if you do go over.

Tbh, I'd just shut down any conversation about it. It's non of her business anyway. Tell her she'll get the phone call when you've had it, like everyone else. And I'd think about when you actually tell her in case you don't want her coming around immediately.

Even if she does somehow sneak in, tell her upfront that you don't want her there or tell one of the midwives. She'll have to leave then, it doesn't matter how many contacts she has. Unless she wants to be manhandled out by security, which is what I'd be threatening to do if someone I was looking after had an unwanted relative there.

Unfortunately, we have had people turn up unannounced when the women still need suturing or haven't even had a bath. We specifically sent some away when they turned up incredibly quickly after the birth. The woman and her partner hadn't told anybody they were there but suspected that someone they knew who worked in the hospital must have seen them and told their relatives. The audacity of some people never ceases to amaze me.

I can't believe she accessed your medical records! How did she manage to do that?! I hope you reported her for that and if her contacts in maternity helped her, then I'd make a complaint against them too. If I did that I would be rightly hauled over the coals and facing disciplinary action.

Have you posted on this subject before OP? There was a very similar thread a few months ago.

Pandora

I'm sort of glad its not only me that this happens too, member of staff letting them know is my main concern, because people who work with her don't actually know she has a strained relationship with her son.

She got into my records because I called the antenatal day unit to get some results of blood tests. MIL found out I was having repeat bloods but didn't know what for because we wouldn't tell her. She was annoyed by this as she thought we were keeping something serious about the baby from her. When I called and told the lady my surname, she asked if I knew -MIL's name- I said I was her daughter in law (stupid of me I know) She told me she used to go to school with MIL and they had known each other for years. We then got a phone call from MIL, she told us she had been into the antenatal where her friend on the desk mentioned I had rang. MIL acted all worried to her and got it out of her. We were horrified as I was really worried about the result and wanted to keep it private. That was another huge fallout we had with her.

Qwertybynature

Yes I have posted about this before, but I had to name change because although none of DH's family are MNetters, some of mine are and I didn't want them to know what was going on before I had a chance to tell them as they would really worry about me. I let the thread die down last time in case anyone saw it, and it was a really awful time for us with MIL. Funnily enough I got the same advice on that thread as I did on this one, which led us to seriously plan a home birth and not just consider it.

With your MIL ollieplimsoles I'd not tell her the child had arrived at all for 2 or 3 days to give myself space. She sounds like a nightmare.

The issue with these threads is that the person in question. In this case MIL, is not a normal, reasonable person. I have no idea how to deal with people like that other than be up front and clear "We will let you know when baby is here" anything that followed would be met with a clear "we have made our decision"

In my case, we told both sets of parents that I was going to hospital, to please keep it to themselves as we were looking forward to announcing baby's arrival ourselves and that, until they heard otherwise, no news was good news and there would be no time for updates. Both respected our wishes and that was that. But, as I say, these are relatively normal people!

No shes not normal at all, she has a range of issues and a very complicated past. We found the 'stately homes' threads very useful in getting help how to deal with her.

The purpose of this thread was to ask if it was unreasonable not to tell anyone at all I'm in labour. She thinks it is, but I think if I said to her "We are only telling you when I go into labour" then she wouldn't care.

YADNBU OH has a big family and we've had a lot of babies recently. MIL was updating everyone on the hour, it was like Chinese whispers, any information was escalated and exaggerated greatly so there was no way I was letting them know when j was in labour.
Unfortunately I went 2 weeks over and had to be induced so they all knew I was going in
Fortunately labour was very quick and we had a few hours with him before we told anyone he had arrived!

This is the time that the behaviour of your DH is going to be critical. It sounds like he will be able to step up, thankfully.

All you need to do is tell him exactly what you want to happen when you are in labour/giving birth, and directly afterwards (as much as you can plan for anyway) and then leave it to him. You have to be confident he can do this. You ask him, for the sake of your health as you are worrying, that as you will be a bit otherwise engaged (ta da!) he is responsible for looking after you and making sure your wishes are met. Your health, and that of the baby, is paramount. I say this with experience, if your MIL encroaches upon this and gives you any regrets about the birth of your first child, you will never forgive her. By your DH taking control of this, he is protecting you and your DC.

One thing I will also say, again from bitter experience, there is nothing like having your own child to make you realise that your own parents weren't up to the mark. Caring for his own DC made me DH realise exactly how badly he himself was cared for. It was quite hard but the upshot is that I have never ever met as good a parent as DH, he is determined to get it right for his DC. So hopefully it will be the same for you guys, the parental instinct might make him detach from his mother and concentrate on you and DC. (I normally don't advocate NC, I think it's used as a catch all a lot, but sadly some parents do not deserve to be let loose on their DC. I have no doubt if we acted like in laws, our DC would be in care

I sincerely hope it works out for you. It's a shame such a wonderful exciting time is being overshadowed, isn't it.

One last thing, I think You do need to make it clear to all the professionals involved, that there has been a breach of data protection in your care already and NO ONE bar you and DH is to have any information about your care. Put it in writing. Get a response.

Sorry that was a bit bossy, but I feel for you. There's something about the birth of a first child particularly, it should be happy and exciting.

You shouldn't even need to be thinking about this. For most people the thoughts about childbirth are just questions about the best plan, and the concerns about how much it will hurt, will the baby be OK etc. Any conversations about who to tell are generally along the lines of "imagine my mum's reaction when we ring up - she'll be so excited".

I'm just trying to put into perspective just how far from 'the norm' your concerns are. Some people like to tell family that they're in labour, others don't. What is NOT normal is worrying about how she'll react. Anything other than delight about hearing your news, whenever you choose to tell her, is just being a selfish cow.

You need to have a space in your brain labelled 'stupid, selfish cow', and every time she starts one of those conversations, filter her words directly into there without you taking any notice of them. I know you can't actually do that, but you can internally start a sing along, like "I know a cow who will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves."

She may have had a difficult past, but that doesn't excuse her attempting to carry the pain on to the next generation. She's an adult. She can learn how to deal with her own pain and emotional needs without ruining the lives of others around her.

I had a planned induction and very deliberatly didnt tell anyone beyond our parents the date it was happening as I didnt want anyone looking for updates from us. Unfortunatly despite us saying we didnt want anyone to know neither mum bothered to respect our decision. Friends knew I was having a planned induction and one posted on facebook a good luck message the night before,saying I know it will be soon or something similar,and my mum responded saying it was 14hrs away,i was ready to kill her. MIL didnt put it on facebook,she just told anyone that asked. Thankfully we werent bothered with people contacting us.

This time round we need childcare (planned induction again) so dont have the option of not telling anyone at all but those who know will be under strict instructions not to breathe a word to anyone.

Caring for his own DC made me DH realise exactly how badly he himself was cared for

This hits the nail on the head for us purple, when me and DH first got together and he saw how our family was, I realised just how strange his upbringing was. He frequently talks about how he is going to do better than his mum and what mistakes she made. The upshot of it all is; shes selfish, shes the most selfish person I have ever come across, to the point of jaw hitting the floor sometimes. She really doesn't care about anyone but herself and if she does appear to do something for someone else, its only because it will benefit her directly.

I know I shouldn't have to worry about this, I get a sinking feeling in my stomach when I think of handing my baby over to her to hold. I am SO lucky as well that my DH sticks up for me, he just wants his own family to look after. I honestly think that if it was a bit easier for him to go NC he would do. What ever happens in our lives we have to worry about how she will react. Planning our small wedding was a military operation, and we took extra special steps before we told her we were pregnant.

I thought so, what a shame this is all still rumbling on.

Honestly, I wouldn't tell anyone I'd gone into labour and wouldn't announce it to anyone either until I was ready to face the MIL. That way everyone has had the same information / treatment and you can shut down any arguments quickly. If she sulks ignore her.

I'd also forewarn the hospital that if your MIL finds anything out without it coming from you, you'll be heading straight to PALS with an official complaint. That's a serious breach of patient confidentiality.

Hope you get the peaceful labour and delivery you want, OP.

I remember your previous thread op.

You don't need to tell anyone; and don't- especially with your Mil! This is what happened to me...

DP & I planned not to tell anyone because of

A) my dm can't keep her mouth shut (told everyone I was pregnant)
B) Mil turns the most banal things into a drama
C) sil was freaking me out constantly telling, texting and emaoling me that she wanted to see my baby as soon as she was born. Sil really pissed me off. She'd given birth to her first a few months after I feel pregnant. She had a difficult birth and I feel as someone who'd recently experienced giving birth she was in a position to remember how shattered I was likely to be and that visitors were unlikely to be wanted.

However, by the time I went into labour my DP had begun working with one of FIL friends and we'd felt guilty about the prospect of him finding out from his friends that I was in labour (FIL is lovely BTW) sowe decided to text our mums when I was admitted to hospital 2 days after my contractions started
started. This is what happened

1. I received texts wishing Me luck & asking for updates from my mum, Bro, sis, nan & uncle. My gormless aunt then posted on my fb wall saying how excited she was to meet her great niece. By this stage I had made no mention on fb about being pregnant.....

2. Mil called wanting to know EVERYTHING. She was a midwife before she retired so there is only so much fobbing of we can do with her. DP managed to avoid going into detail by paying ignorant.I remember him saying ' what's dilation?'

3. Sil called saying she wanted to visit when dd was born. She called 6 hours later because she hadn't had an update. She was pissed because DP said he'd call when I'd given birth. I was still contracting!!

By the time I'd given birth i'd been in labour for almost 3 days and we had to hold off telling anyone I'd given birth for 5 hours so that visiting time was over in order to ensure no one came to visit and so I could get some rest. Mil insisted DP went hone to rest & that she'd come and spend the night with me (birth partners were allowed to stay overnight). DP said no so she called me saying I should tell DP to go home. (my parents lived too.far to immediately visit).

Sil then called at 10 am saying she was coming to visit at 3 (start of visiting time). DP told her not to as I was shattered & was going to be discharged that afternoon.

I was discharged at 4. Sil called at 5 asking to visit. Mil came at 7. I.was then expected to go to Mil when dd was 5 days old to.meet DP's entire family& family friends plus Skype call to family abroad.......

Sil

There's nothing wrong with choosing a home birth, but it's a damn shame you had to make the decision on where to give birth based on where she wouldn't be able/willing to find you and intrude upon your privacy still further.

Just watch out for flying monkeys circling your house...

No one knew i was in labour - the first our parents knew about it was when they received a telephone call telling them that DS had arrived.

Our parents would have been told that i was in labour, however both sets kept telling us that they would be coming to the hospital as soon as they could after the birth despite us telling them that this was not what we wanted.

They ruined it for themselves

I went overdue 3 times and was induced. I walked to hospital telling everyone I knew what I was off to do!

YANBU. We told PIL's and my parents when I went into labour but no further updates until they were born. With dc's 1-4 we phoned both sets of parents within the hour. DS5 was born just before 2am and we were both very poorly in HDU so we waited before announcing his birth. When he was about 10 hours old I realised that the mums at school would see DH picking up the older 2 from school and probably ask him about the baby. So I thought I'd better phone my mum before someone posted on facebook. Everyone was very discreet though and I wished I'd waited until I was more awake as I don't remember that phone conversation with my mum at all.

I think you should start as you mean to go on. Nod, smile and do things how you want.

Yes unfortunately its all still going on, I didn't know if I should post or not and drag it all back up again but I'm really glad as I did as I wasn't sure I was being unreasonable to my own mum or family by keeping it secret.

I think I might give my mum a quick text when it looks like things are kicking off, so she can gate keep for us if needs be, but tell her there will be no more updates til baby has arrived, I know she won't expect any. Based on what people said I might ask her if this is ok though as I don't want her up all night worrying about me either.

Lunastarfish What happened to you sounds like my worst nightmare! All those people ringing your dh?! What on earth gives people the idea that they should be calling, didn't they think that you might be a bit busy?!

ollieplimsoles what happened with your MILabd the receptionist was illegal. I used to manage a medical practice and, unless someone was a parent and the patient under 18, we certainly would not be allows to reveal ANY details - even minor things like if they had been in earlier or if they had missed an appointment. Not even if they were registered as a patient at all. I found your account of that shocking and would complain to the service provider, as they've breached your medical privacy even if no details of your actual treatment were revealed.

Obviously you have other things on your mind right now, though! Best wishes!

Ollie, the thing is, you can do what you want. There may be long buts where mostly what you are is bored or feeling a bit weird as in ' this is odd, I'm in labour, but I'm tidying the fridge / sitting in the garden reading the paper / kneeling forwards half way up the stairs having a breathe etc. if you WANT to have a long chat, quick word or emotional heArt to heart with your Mum on the phone half way through, you can ! If you want to and she understands it is not for public broadcast. The important thing is relaxing , going with the flow and not being pressured by any hard and fast rules .