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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not tell anyone I'm in labour?

127 replies

ollieplimsoles · 05/09/2015 17:58

Need some context from people who have given birth before, but I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

Last year when DH's cousin had her baby, every one knew she was in labour, her mum texted MIL, who texted us at 10pm at night to tell us she was '5cms and settled in at hospital' We then got an hourly text of updates from MIL. I found it so cringy.

Today we told MIL that we would prefer not to tell anyone when I go into labour, and instead just tell people when the baby arrives. I HATE the idea of the whole family knowing whats going on and just hanging around waiting. They see it as a family affair, I see it as something totally private that they don't need to know about. We even decided not to tell people if I go over and have a date booked for induction.

MIL in particular thinks this is really strange and is not happy about it, she always assumed we would tell her whats happening as it happens. My mum is more understanding, because she told her own mother she was going into hospital and the whole family turned up in the waiting area, she really regretted it and wishes she hadn't told anyone.

To avoid drip feeding- we are planning a home birth that mil is not supportive of (doesn't think its safe/ has tried to talk us out of it a lot) and she feels that not letting her know when its happening is a 'step too far'.

Did you feel comfortable with people other than yourself (obviously!) and your partner knowing you were in labour?

OP posts:
Pandora97 · 05/09/2015 18:56

I can't stand overbearing people like this. I work in maternity and if you do end up in hospital, you can tell the staff that you don't want her there until you're at least on the postnatal ward. State what her name is as well in case she uses the "I'm so and so and work here" line. We had someone specifically say that she didn't want to be visited AT ALL by her MIL who worked at the hospital and it was fine. We made a note of it and kept her out.

Definitely don't give her updates. Can just imagine if you do end up having to be transferred for any reason you'll get the "I told you so" texts, histrionics and she'll be racing up there and pacing outside the DS before you're even in the ambulance. If she does text and ask just get your husband to text back and say nothing's going on.

Be prepared for her to be raging when she finds out you haven't told her anything. I know someone whose MIL was just like this. She was in so much "shock" that her grandchild had been born without her knowing that her DIL was in labour, that she nearly collapsed. Apparently. Hmm

Have you thought about having your mum as another birth partner? Imagine how much that would put your MIL's nose out of joint. Your mum would get to see all the action before her very eyes. (I know you wouldn't really, but the thought is very amusing).

BertieBotts · 05/09/2015 18:58

YADNBU! The only person who needs to know is your DH/DP, any other birth partners, anybody who needs to look after your older DC, and the hospital/your midwife!

PotteringAlong · 05/09/2015 18:59

First time round I was induced. Both sets of parents knew I was being induced but that was it.
Second time my in laws were our childcare so they knew and my DH rang my parents when it was obviously going in the right direction because they live 4 hours away and were coming up.

PotteringAlong · 05/09/2015 19:00

There was definitely no hourly updates for anyone!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/09/2015 19:04

Sounds as if MIL's nose will be out of joint because she'll feel denied of the experience DH's cousin's mother had, if they were giving constant updates. Well, too bad. But if you are planning a home birth you won't have hospital staff acting as gatekeepers. Much as DH might value some support I really hope you don't feel your space is invaded. If MIL is already the type to dismiss boundaries she will probably be very tenacious trying to muscle in.

My two were born before nearly everyone on the planet had mobile phones so tracking us was difficult and we were simply too preoccupied to notify everybody I was in labour.

You'll need quiet time to recover and process what has happened. Most importantly you'll want some time for you and DH to bond with baby.That's neither precious behaviour nor selfish possessiveness.

InimitableJeeves · 05/09/2015 19:04

If she reckons she'll know that you've gone into labour because you go quiet at the relevant time, I would suggest that from now on you "go quiet" on virtually a daily basis. With luck when it does happen she'll have got bored with getting worked up and over-excited, or assume that it's just more of the same.

ollieplimsoles · 05/09/2015 19:05

Pandora97

Thank you SO much for replying it was so reassuring to know you have come across this before, she absolutely will use the 'I work here' line she has contacts in the maternity ward and she will use them. She has already threatened too.
Its so good to know that the staff will not let her anywhere near us if we specify. DH is quite adamant he doesn't want her to visit if we end up there.

What you said about the transfer is spot on, she will absolutely rub it in our faces that she was right all along that home birth is dangerous if she finds out we got transferred. We are still working out how to deal with it if it does go that way.

OP posts:
TheCrowFromBelow · 05/09/2015 19:06

no YANBU - we didn't tell anyone first time until DS1 was here. My Dmum ( and therefore DDad) had to know second time around but we still didn't have anyone coming into hospital and absolutely no updates!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/09/2015 19:06

That should read
"That's neither precious behaviour" etc.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 05/09/2015 19:08

Place marking to reply properly later. Short version is that you are right!

dimdommilpot · 05/09/2015 19:17

I didnt tell anybody either time. My mum found out last minute to come get dd1 (which was perfect timing as she had just finished work). She knew not to tell anybody. I told people 24hr after the birth. You are def not been unreasonable.

GeekyQueen · 05/09/2015 19:17

YANBU. I felt the same way with my first, both sets of parents are 1.5 hour drive and I didnt want them heading over as could be slow process. Unfortunately I had pre-eclampsia and was induced followed by EMCS on the weekend we had plans to meet up for our last pre-baby day together so glad to tell them!

I've skim read most of the thread so sorry if this has been said, but I'd also worry that, if you did tell people, with a home birth would any family be pushy enough to "pop over"? That's the last thing you need with no reception staff to enforce visiting hours!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/09/2015 19:17

If you do need to transfer you don't have to explain or apologise to his mother just say that you took advice from the expert on the day and the main thing is that everyone's safe. Really not something that a loving grandmother should gloat about if you do end up having to transfer.

DirtyMugPolice · 05/09/2015 19:18

Yanbu. We'll be doing the same and we are having a home birth too for dc2. Depending on the time of day I give birth I may even wait to announce to parents/in laws until my ds has had the chance to meet his new sister. I felt very much besieged upon by relatives last time and I want much more control this time. So the ability to have people to visit when I want - and not when they want to visit!

DisappointedOne · 05/09/2015 19:22

I don't understand the obsession with announcing pregnancy 5 minutes after conception or telling the world you're in labour. It's just asking for trouble.

ollieplimsoles · 05/09/2015 19:23

I've skim read most of the thread so sorry if this has been said, but I'd also worry that, if you did tell people, with a home birth would any family be pushy enough to "pop over"? That's the last thing you need with no reception staff to enforce visiting hours!

I've just realised someone asked this up thread- she wouldn't come round to the house unannounced after an incident we had when we first moved in, her and Dh had a huge argument over it and now she doesn't come to house anymore (unless invited) its our safe place, the hospital is more her turf. We feel safer at home.

OP posts:
MummyPig24 · 05/09/2015 19:25

Yanbu. The only people who have kmown I was in labour with babies 2 and 3 were my dh and my aunt who was looking after my other children. Both times I went into hospital around 3am and had the baby before breakfast time.

The first time my dad and stepmother knew but they were different circumstances.

I don't see why a million people need to be informed someone is in labour.

TheRealAmyLee · 05/09/2015 19:25

The only people who knew I was in labour were people needed to look after older DC. No one knew with my pfb until she was here.

Our first Christmas pfb was 3 months old. We told both families we were tired and not fit to chase round trying to visit everyone and we stayed at home. Don't regret it for a second. We didn't do a full on Christmas just a chilled day and family just called in for brief visits over Christmas Eve - Boxing Day.

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 05/09/2015 19:27

YADNBU! We told no one when I went into labour with DC1 (who was a week early so a nice surprise to break to everyone!). We live minimum three hours from ALL family so this,was easy to do.

My in-laws were childcare for DC1 when DC2 labour started and because I was well overdue and my mum knew I was going for a sweep/book my induction she knew as I rang her straight after the appt and labour had pretty much started straight after the sweep.

I actually worried about my mum because I had to put the phone down her at one point during a colossal contraction and when I phoned back a minute or two later my sibling answered because my mum was a bit too emotional to speak! I felt obliged to keep texting updates that I was ok etc.

Do whatever you can to keep the experience as private as you want!

mumeeee · 05/09/2015 19:27

YANBU. It's not the normal thing to tell people when you go into labour.

nipersvest · 05/09/2015 19:31

we didn't tell anyone first time around, it was deliberate as we felt this was something we wanted to share just the 2 of us. i did feel really bad once dd arrived and i rang my mum, she was over the moon of course but there was a tinge of sadness that she'd missed out on the excitement and anticipation of the labour.

second time around though she was the first to know as she came and stayed at our house with dd once it all kicked off.

GeekyQueen · 05/09/2015 19:31

We feel safer at home.

Then you we definitely not being unreasonable. Keep quiet and tag yourself somewhere random on Facebook when in labour Wink

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 05/09/2015 19:33

On the transfer : most won't be safety related. So if she gloats you calmly say "oh no, we were both perfectly safe it was just slow/I just wanted an epidural. Isn't it marvellous ".

If it is safety you say : "they were a tiny bit concerned about x so we went in. Isn't it marvellous all the one to one care you get at home to notice stuff so so early".

At the hospital : put it in your birth plan. She is not to be permitted. If she does sneak in they will also eject her for you.

Practice 'no phone' days now to wear out her speculation power if normally in contact very regularly!

Bulbasaur · 05/09/2015 19:39

Depends, in your circumstances, I probably wouldn't.

I told everyone I was in labor, but that they wouldn't see the baby until a few hours after birth, so they would just have to hang tight if they wanted to visit.

Worked out well for everyone, nurses were included on my plans so they covered for me and told people it was policy to let me bond for a couple hours before allowing visitors.

Youarentkiddingme · 05/09/2015 19:41

She searched for your confidential medical files Shock

She's lucky she's even being told she has a grandchild at all.

Yanbu anyway, but certainly not where she's concerned.

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