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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel as if I hate having the son that was given to me

369 replies

ladybug201 · 04/09/2015 17:28

Unsure how to phrase that. Obviously don't hate DS.

He is an adult, with autism/ASD. Never had a "proper" job. Lots of studying, lots of short term jobs. Came round asking for money. As nice as could be - always is, DS isn't horrible.

But he's not interested in anything that doesn't affect him. Doesn't ask after me. His sister started a new job today - she says the same, doesn't ask after her, just drones on about his own life and to be honest it's nothing we've not heard a thousand times before. How many times can you say oh, that's nice, great, fantastic.

I don't know. I wish I had a son who didn't have this condition.

OP posts:

cuntycowfacemonkey · 04/09/2015 17:31

It's the nature of the beast, I'm guessing his life is no picnic either.

Preminstreltension · 04/09/2015 17:39

Sounds really hard. I think what you are saying is quite taboo but I can understand your sadness.

00100001 · 04/09/2015 17:41

Taboo? She can't wish her son didn't have a lifelong condition that makes life difficult for everyone?

ChwatFeechers · 04/09/2015 17:43

I can't call you unreasonable or not, having never walked in your shoes.

It does sound hard.

GenerationX2 · 04/09/2015 17:51

I'm sorry that sounds terribly hard and I wish you strength and grace. I have not walked in your shoes - but I really believe I would feel exactly the same if I had to.

Try not to be hard on yourself.

IloveGTA5 · 04/09/2015 17:51

Yes, but you DO have a son who has an ASD. Peaks and troughs of coping with it? This is a trough? Feel the sadness, wait for a bit . . . then put on your brave face and look on the bright side again. Is it the repetitive nature of the monologues that you find hardest, the self interest? If it is, you know it's just his way of coping with an overwhelmingly INTENSE world that he can't easily respond to? Bewildering and frightening for him. He will need supportive, caring people around him. Not easy being the rock, though. The uncrumbly one.

Bullshitbingo · 04/09/2015 17:52

for you, must be hard.

DotaDay · 04/09/2015 17:53

That sounds very difficult for you and I'm not surprised you feel like you do. There are a lot of self obsessed young men and women out there. Thinking about other people isn't a skill that comes naturally for some people even those without any autistic tendencies. My Dad and brothers are the same. They are all nice enough but they don't seem capable of thinking about other people. Sometimes I remind them but mostly I don't bother.
Don't beat yourself up over feeling how you do. It's understandable. It's a rotten condition .

APlaceOnTheCouch · 04/09/2015 17:56

it is tough for everyone.

It's wearing to be in a relationship where you feel the other person doesn't have any interest in your needs/thoughts/experiences. And I know in this case that you know it's your son's condition that causes this but it still takes an emotional toll.

defineme · 04/09/2015 17:59

I know it's very hard, the nature of autism is the self interest. However, if your ds is anything like my ds who has asd, he does love you and I do try to take comfort from helping him make the most of his life-odd jobs and independent living sounds very positive and I imagine he's had a lot of support from you to do that. I often wish the asd away (teenage ds really
suffering from loneliness and friendship issues), doesn't mean I am wishing him away. Tbh i find most if my relatives, and even my kids, tedious and repetitive at times and I think it's better to tell your news than wait to be asked-it's not just the asd that causes that. Try and do something together that you all enjoy?

Branleuse · 04/09/2015 18:00

Hes an adult, but can you explain to him that he needs to be more reciprocal in his conversations. He needs to remember to ask how people are.

Original poster

ladybug201 · 04/09/2015 18:04

Have done, Branleuse

He remembers maybe once, or robotically asks after you then switches the conversation back to him.

Defineme - 'something together that you all enjoy'?

I have to smile - don't you honestly think I've spent nearly 34 years doing this?

Go to a restaurant and it's cringe worthily embarrassing. Huge hoody, generally dirty (tell him not to wear it - I have.) Eats like he's been starved for months (tell him not to - I have.) Pesters the waiters (tell him not to - I have.) Flags them down for the bill the second the last morsel has passed someone else's lips (tell him it's not polite - I have.)

I can give you a thousand examples but we'll stick with the restaurant one for now.

Unfortunately, he has no idea of socially acceptable behaviour and this makes going anywhere with him a minefield at best, exacerbated by the fact he doesn't "look" disabled.

OP posts:

DonkeyOaty · 04/09/2015 18:07

SheGotAllDaMoves · 04/09/2015 18:12

OP, you are perfectly entitled to feel sad about your son's condition and how it affects you.

Provided you love and support him, which I'm certain you do, your private thoughts are not wrong.

Badders123 · 04/09/2015 18:15

I'm sorry.
That's sounds really tough.
I have a friend who has a son with asd and he frequently has her in tears with his tirades. He simply cannot see any other PoV than his own. He is always right - even when he isn't - and it nearly ended with her not taking a job she was offered because he told her she would be useless at it.
no advice, but lots of sympathy x

Original poster

ladybug201 · 04/09/2015 18:18

Thank you.

In some ways, it's easier when they are young.

As they grow, they have to fumble through a world they are woefully under equipped and resourced for.

OP posts:

Badders123 · 04/09/2015 18:23

It's ok to love someone, but not like them very much.
I feel that way about some (nt) members of my own family!
It's hard. It would be nice...just once...to be asked how I am, or what I've been up too.
It'll never happen.
But it's ok to wish it could.
X

bialystockandbloom · 04/09/2015 18:28

No yanbu. My ds has asd and is 8yo. He is lovely, sweet-natured, clever, and fun, and I adore him, but I don't think I'll ever truly come to terms with how much harder it already makes his life, and the affect it has had on me and the rest of our immediate family. I don't foresee this changing as he gets older. Being the parent of a child with asd is a whole different ballgame from being the parent of a nt child (I have both), and we don't have a manual for it.

and

defineme · 04/09/2015 18:42

I am sorry if that sounded glib about the something you enjoy. My ds1 is 13 but he is 6ft tall and looks entirely ordinary, he shouts and stims in public and sounds very similar in restaurants. I meant something smaller like we enjoy going down our back lane and picking blackberries, but it wasn't what you were asking for, and no yanbu -i have often daydreamed of a different life.

hedgehogsdontbite · 04/09/2015 18:44

Sorry but I think YABU. If his own mother doesn't accept him the way he is the poor guy doesn't stand a chance.

gladistopped · 04/09/2015 18:48

Same here :( and and and if you do alcohol,

And an un mumsnetty xxx and hug from me ;)

Finola1step · 04/09/2015 18:48

I'm in the position of your DD.

IloveGTA5 · 04/09/2015 18:50

You may say you don't hate him, but I don't think you love him . . . .sounds like you don't like him much at all just now and tbh I don't what to suggest . . . tough one.

WhetherOrNot · 04/09/2015 18:50

hedgehogs - go screw yourself! You have NO idea what you are talking about. What a dreadful dreadful thing to say.

Branleuse · 04/09/2015 18:51

you just need to keep on. He doesnt exist seperatly to his autism. Its not a disease he can fight off and the real him is there underneath. It is who he is. Youre obviously still grieving for your NT dreamchild, and maybe you always will, but it wont do you any good. He may be officially an adult, but he hasnt finished learning. you can still help him act in a more socially acceptable way, but he may well never be the one that sits you down and sincerely asks about how you are in an emotional sense. He loves you and keeps coming round and wanting to be with you.

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