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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel as if I hate having the son that was given to me

369 replies

ladybug201 · 04/09/2015 17:28

Unsure how to phrase that. Obviously don't hate DS.

He is an adult, with autism/ASD. Never had a "proper" job. Lots of studying, lots of short term jobs. Came round asking for money. As nice as could be - always is, DS isn't horrible.

But he's not interested in anything that doesn't affect him. Doesn't ask after me. His sister started a new job today - she says the same, doesn't ask after her, just drones on about his own life and to be honest it's nothing we've not heard a thousand times before. How many times can you say oh, that's nice, great, fantastic.

I don't know. I wish I had a son who didn't have this condition.

OP posts:
AndNowItsSeven · 04/09/2015 21:51

It's pip now not dla , from what you have written he would qualify. You could apply for him as his appointee?

Canyouforgiveher · 04/09/2015 21:52

zzzzz if your experience is different in that you know how to help a 34 year old adult with washing/teeth brushing/laundry when he is resistant to it, I think it would be kind of you to share this information with the OP. In fact I think she herself asked you if you would tell her how she would go about this.

Op you have my best wishes, my sympathy and my respect.

MonicaBilongame · 04/09/2015 21:52

What will you do when you are too old to cope? How will he manage when you are no longer here? He needs to have support that doesn't rely on you. Supported Housing/support workers. DLA. Can you rope in his doctor to do an assessment on his competency? YANBU. It's not your fault or his that he has the condition or that it affects him in the way it does. And despite what anyone else says, there is no obligation on you to love or even like your kids - although clearly you do because otherwise you would not be concerned enough to post. But you and he both DO need more support.

Samcro · 04/09/2015 21:53

i think it is easy to tell the op she should do this and that. but she has had this for 30 odd years, her son is not a child,
I think contacting adult ss and getting them involved. also if he hasn't claimed DLA perhaps you need to be made his apointee

Canyouforgiveher · 04/09/2015 21:53

oh just saw you did answer - with a lot of useless information. did you really think it had never occurred to the OP to tell her child to take a shower?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/09/2015 21:54

I would give away my house in exchange for not being told things like "when you die I wouldnt notice until dinner time, I don't know if I would miss you or not"

Today I spent 120 minutes in the dentist for what should have been a 30 minute appointment sat watching one of my adult children have some dental work done.
Before this happened I had to have a meeting with the dentist and two dental nurses who were treating him to prime them to make sure that when I raised my hand they removed all tools from his mouth and stepped back instantly. It was not easy.

This perticular child of mine is the one who has to constantly hear his other parent telling him that he has no issues no problems and needs no support. So I have to find ways to safeguard him from the members of the public who want to punch him in the face almost every time he attempts to comunicate with someone else and prevent him harming himself when he has a melt down. This isnot easy to do without the persons consent.

I understand what you mean and yanbu.

It is perfectly possible to have the same love as any other parent has for their child and still occasional feel hurt or upset and the responsibilities your child means for you, just the same as every other parent does at times

Badders123 · 04/09/2015 21:55

ZZZZ...assuming the ds is taller and heavier than the op, how do you suggest she physically do that?

PolterGoose · 04/09/2015 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ladybug201 · 04/09/2015 21:55

Ok zzzz

For starters, the issue is not that he cannot do laundry. He can quite literally have a house filled with clean clothes.

I've tried to repeatedly explain, he chooses to wear the dirty ones because he likes the feel of them - in order to do as you suggest, I would need to get the hoody off him first. He can have seven clean hoodies in his wardrobe; he wears the dirty one because he likes it dirty.

Teeth? I've spent thousands on trying to fix them, over the years. They have decayed badly partly because of DS's diet but also because he doesn't clean them well. I also suspect he's partly unlucky. Nonetheless, I've tried. Really tried.

Tell him to have a shower - I could cry, I really could. And he does shower, every other day anyway. The unkempt look comes from long bushy hair he won't cut and the dirty clothes,

I visit him daily. Don't presume to tell me what I'm not doing, please. The house smells because he won't open the curtains or the windows. He gets very distressed if I do so.

That post - you have no idea, none at all.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 04/09/2015 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Devilishpyjamas · 04/09/2015 21:56

Thete's wanting to go & being able to cope with it though.

Ds1 wanted to go to my parents house tonight to sleep. He can't because he won't be able to cope wheh there & will attack them. He wanted to go horse riding but then at the last minute couldn't & attacked me. He wanted to go on a rollercoaster but I could see his anxiety was too high & I didn't fancy being attacked while strapped in so said no.

I think we can just try things & have an exit strategy

He used to surf about every other weekend throughout the year. He's been three times this year since October & they were very short. (Has managed not to attack me though). Gems got there & refused to do it two other times.

All you can do is choise the things to try but know they may not happen & exit sharp.

He wanted to come in and but a burger at mc'd's a few weeks ago & even that needed a sharp exit before people got hit. I don't hope for anything to work - if it does, brilliant, but I don't have any expectations.

BlahBlahUsername · 04/09/2015 21:59

I understand, I'm in the same boat. I've never had a Mother's Day card, never had my birthday acknowledged, he's very rarely said anything nice to me. He seems to view me as a necessary nuisance, yet he acted hurt and wounded when I forget to ask about his day once...

I hold out hope that he may change later in life. He may not. I love him anyway, but I do wish he didn't have this condition, for him not for me.

AuntyMag10 · 04/09/2015 21:59

Zzzz you're being rather stupid with all your 'suggestions'. Don't you think in 34 years the op would have tried all that. You're just ignoring everything she explains and then ask the same questions to be goady.

BarbarianMum · 04/09/2015 22:00

I think the OP knows that Isabella. But you know what? Sometimes there is nothing you can do to make things better. That's really hard to come to terms with.

OP cannot make her son wash, or clean his teeth or change his clothes if he doesn't want to. She can't stop him being lonely, or get him a girlfriend. She can't make him understand the connection bw the former and the latter.

Not his fault. Not her fault. It's just crap. Sad

Canyouforgiveher · 04/09/2015 22:00

offering thoughts and advice in a way that takes no account whatsoever of the actual experience of the OP, shows no sympathy with the point of her post - which is she sometimes feels immensely frustrated and sad at the hand dealt her and her son. Ant then offering thoughts and advice that she must have heard a thousand times a year since her son was born (accept the child you have!) in a way that makes it sound like the OP just never really made the proper effort with her son ... well it may not be critical but it is certainly unimaginative and unkind.

OnlyHereToday · 04/09/2015 22:00

Not sure it's always a lack of empathy, just a disconnect or lack of understanding.

Anyway, yes I would apply for PIP and get a carer or buddy in on a schedule, assuming he would cooperate with that. DS1 has a playworker or big sib now and I will try to continue that for as long as he'll accept it.

I totally understand the utter relentlessness of it though.

Badders123 · 04/09/2015 22:00

Your posts are condescending and rude zzzzz.
Please read the op!
She has tried everything you suggest!
Op...what meds is he on? Does he claim all he is entitled to benefits wise?
I do feel for you. It must be soul destroying.

ollieplimsoles · 04/09/2015 22:01

I think after 30 odd years you have done absolutely everything op, i dont think the purpose of the thread was for people to offer tips on how to get him to shower of wear clean clothes, it was a pure need to vent frustrations. Flowers

Devilishpyjamas · 04/09/2015 22:01

Haircutting? We had an issue for years until I discovered ds1 cannot tolerate scissors. To my total surprise he loves clippers (who'd have guessed). Refusal to hair wash is solved by clipping regularly (I do it). Might be worth exploring whether there is something he can cope with.

Am currentky trying to work out how to shave ds1 - that's an ongoing process (but the bum fluff moustache has gone hoorah - sbd despite the struggle he seemed quite pleased it had gone).

BoffinMum · 04/09/2015 22:03

I don't know what to say apart from that I admire your patience and the care you are giving your DS, but that you sound as though you need a break and some professional support/counselling. This is a really difficult situation and you deserve more help and burden sharing than this.

Devilishpyjamas · 04/09/2015 22:04

And I didn't try clippers for years - was stunned when he was happy with them (I thought he hated hair cuts rather than scissors).

Original poster
ladybug201 · 04/09/2015 22:04

In other words, I don't know if I can explain this sufficiently well, but I will try.

DS falls under the radar. He would not be eligible for supported housing and probably not for DLA/PIP; he can 'talk the talk' on occasion and whilst many people find him odd, disabled wouldn't necessarily be their first conclusion. The paradox is that DS lives in terror of 'who he is' being 'discovered' - believe me, it took a long, long time to get to the point of diagnosis.

If his condition was more severe, even a little bit, it might be possible to access support but as it is, it is on the precipice of normality and as such, DS strives to be treated as such (and of course I see the 'worst' of him, which I understand is normal.)

Anything you suggest to DS elicits two main responses - fervent head nodding and yes, you are right, you are right. He may even act on if - "brush your teeth," and he might once but within a day we'd be back to 'normal.'

For those who wonder why I don't spend every waking moment telling my son to clean his teeth, wash his hoody and shower - because he comes to me for emotional support. Him telling me he is anxious, terrified, admittedly in a monotone, can't always be responsed to with 'change your top FFS.'

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 04/09/2015 22:04

I agree with Boffin op, you mentioned your son has had counselling, have you ever had any to discuss any of this?

Badders123 · 04/09/2015 22:07

Op...would he tolerate dry shampoo?
My dhs cousin has put her family through hell and she is pretty difficult to deal with (complex issues) but she is their child and they love her.
It doesn't make them bad people that they would wish her disabilities away if they could.
It's a whole other ballgame dealing with a violent 39 year old woman who outweighs you by 2 stone than with a child.

zzzzz · 04/09/2015 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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