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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - in laws visiting when DC2 is born

107 replies

butttons · 02/09/2015 14:08

I am currently 34 weeks pregnant with DC2 (we already have DD who is 2.5 years old). My parents live 90 mins drive away from us and PILs live 6 hrs drive away. When DD was born my parents came to the hospital (she is first grandchild) and stayed with us for a few days to help out. PILs came when DD was 4 weeks old and stayed with us for about a week to help out after DH had gone back to work. PILs have 3 other grandchildren.

For birth of DC2, DH wants his parents to be able to come to the hospital too and has said that it should be both sets or neither sets of parents. I can sort of see his point as my parents got to come to the hospital and his didn't for DD, but the thought of having his parents here immediately after giving birth fills me with dread. It's not that I don't get on with MIL, she tends to take over a little bit and do things her way (I am slightly OCD about the way I like my kitchen etc and know that this feeling is more about me than anything she does) but I find it very difficult to relax around her. It doesn't help that FIL has mobility issues, with which she has very little patience, and she is a bit selfish (she's asked me how I am feeling a total of 3 times during this entire pregnancy) And I know she'll monopolise DH's time with her problems when she is here (e.g. Her favourite time to ring him is during DD's dinner/bath/bedtime which is the only time DH gets with her during the week and she doesn't seem to hear if Dd is having tantrums at the time). When they came when DD was tiny I always felt like I was holding them up from doing things as Dd would want a feed or need to be changed as soon as they got their coats on to go out so then they'd sit on the sofa just waiting and I'd rush DD so we could carry on with our plans. I also found comments like "can't you give her a bottle" not very helpful. I'm just really aware that my hormones are going to be all over the place when DC2 is born and I don't want to add extra stress to this time. Ideally I'd like it to be just me, DH, DD and my mum within easy reach (e.g. at her sister's, not with us). As PILs live so far away we can't really ask them to come down at the birth for 1-2 days and then again a few weeks later.

AIBU to be selfish and not want PILs here at birth? I feel like a right cow saying no but I just remember how emotional I felt when Dd was born and do not feel like I will be able to relax with them around. I also know it's going to be hard telling my parents not to come to the hospital.... And tbh we are going to need some help with DD when Dc comes along. This is now stressing me out more than the actual birth (oh and having a toddler and newborn in tow).

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 02/09/2015 14:17

I also know it's going to be hard telling my parents not to come to the hospital.... And tbh we are going to need some help with DD when Dc comes along

Your husband will be there to help with DD. You really wont need your parents to stay for that. Tiny babies are actually veryow maintenance. They sleep lots.

In your shoes i would either tell both parents they can visit in hospital and stay in a hotel or that niether comes until you are ready to have both there.

wibbleywee · 02/09/2015 14:19

Im sorry but I think you are, you cant have one rule for your family and another for his, how about a compromise and they come down for one visit while you are in hospital then you dont see them again until your prearranged visit. This should keep them and dh happy and surely you can manage a couple of hours of them at visiting time? You may find they change their mind and not want to travel all that way just for one visit!!l

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 02/09/2015 14:22

What the poster above said!

There are hotels.

I would try and take the first couple of weeks as family time, you, dh, dd and new dc.

Phone calls or texts before visits, or you will ignored. For friends and family.

You can decide when you are up to having visitors, not the visitors!

They don't know when new dc has had a good or bad night. Or any other factors.

Sure your parents will understand, as long as you explain it is the same rule for everybody ( and they can probably see dcs more as they are closer anyway...)

Scarydinosaurs · 02/09/2015 14:23

Definitely not U. I had my MIL there within 30 minutes of DD2 being born and I'm still angry about it. My DH just doesn't get it- but then he didn't push a human out of his vagina.

Say no, and explain if YOU need YOUR mum there, then that's what YOU need. Post birth is all about you, for at least 24 bloody hours.

DisappointedOne · 02/09/2015 14:25

Im sorry but I think you are, you cant have one rule for your family and another for his

Of course she can! When her husband works out how to push a human out of his body his parents can take priority.

(I had nobody but DH with me. Wouldn't have wanted his parents within 100 miles of me, never mind at the hospital/in my house!)

EponasWildDaughter · 02/09/2015 14:28

It's true that it's a different kettle of fish having your own mother around you compared to your MIL, when you've just undergone the trauma of birth. I'm sure if your DH had just gone through something similar to giving birth in hospital, and all the discomfort of the aftermath, he may not want his in-laws sat at his bedside straight afterwards.

However, it sounds as if your DH is supportive and there's no real need for your own parents to be around so soon after the birth. So i'd take the easy way out. Have neither set of parents at the hospital.

AbeSaidYes · 02/09/2015 14:29

Whatever you decide make sure that they are in a hotel and that they are not at your bedside immediately after the birth. Use the midwives and the set visiting hours as your guide.

If they are coming to the house get your mum over too, so she can act as gatekeeper if your DH won't.

SurlyCue · 02/09/2015 14:29

I have to say i find these threads a bit alien to my experiences. Where I am when someone has a baby the world and his wife lands in on you either in the hospital or at home from the minute you get in. Its just expected that the house will be full and you'll be making lots of tea. None of them move in with you for weeks at a time though which i couldnt either facilitate or tolerate. We also dont expect to be in isolation for weeks after birth either which seems to be a plan on many of the threads i read here.

Witchend · 02/09/2015 14:31

With dc3 (and would have been the same for dc2 of I hadn't been under consultant care) I never stayed in for long enough for visitors.

I came in 11pm, gave birth at 1am, home by 4am.

So I'd tell him there's a good chance they won't be able to visit in hospital with being 6 hours,away (my parents are similar distance and didn't even for dc1 when I was in for longer)

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/09/2015 14:37

You want your parents to support you after you have given birth it is a by product of that that they get to see the baby sooner.

Your body your choice

DisappointedOne · 02/09/2015 14:41

My planned home birth became an induction and forceps delivery. We were in hospital for 3 nights including the induction.

My parents lived abroad at the time but were home and staying in their home here. The In laws had been told that they were welcome to come once she'd arrived and we knew all was well, but that they'd need to stay in a nearby hotel. They agreed. This had been the message for at least 3 months. We'd been home for all of an hour before they insisted on coming and staying with us. DH wanted me to relent, but feeding was proving difficult and I was battered physically and emotionally from the birth. Mum tried to gatekeep but when DH started telling me I was being unreasonable she tore him a new one. His parents ended up refusing to stay in a hotel and coming for the day. They drove for 10 hours total and saw us/DD for about 3 hours. Showed their tightfisted true colours, sadly.

FeelsLikeHome123 · 02/09/2015 14:51

YANBU to want your parents there but YABU to not allow your dh's parents there if your parents are allowed. I agree with your dh, either both should go or neither. Ask pils to stay nearby, not at your house.

Itsmine · 02/09/2015 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 02/09/2015 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missmoon · 02/09/2015 15:00

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. While in hospital during and after giving birth, you are the patient, and you decide on the visitors, if any. It is perfectly reasonable to only want people you feel most comfortable with to see you soon after giving birth. My lovely MIL actually insisted on my parents seeing me and my DD1 first, even though she and FIL could have got there earlier.

TheFairyCaravan · 02/09/2015 15:02

I never understand these threads.

I was quite sad that due to work commitments and the distance we lived away, that PILs didn't get to meet our two for at least 10 days after they were born. I wouldn't have cared a jot if they had come to the hospital after all my parents, siblings, nieces, nan and a couple of friends did when I had DS1. I wasn't in long enough with DS2 but it was similar at home.

I don't understand why it's ok in some people's minds for one set of parents to be involved and not the other.

NullaBore · 02/09/2015 15:08

Disappointed l like the sound of your mum

Original poster

butttons · 02/09/2015 15:13

Thanks all - opinions are very divided which is very much how I feel! Makes me a bit better that there is no clear cut answer out there that my addled baby brain cannot process.

I don't have a problem with PILs coming for a few hours or a day, it's just that as they're travelling so far I feel it's unreasonable of me us to say that they can only come for that short a period of time. I don't mind having our friends and family provide a stream of visitors in the first few weeks, I just don't think I can take it all from PILs full on straight away after the birth.

I don't want it to be one set of parents over the other, I just feel so much more relaxed around my own mum (and dad to some extent) - I know she'll help with any issues with breastfeeding, she'll be patient and give us as a new family the space we need (last time they made some excuse to get out of the house for 3-4 hrs every day) which PILs just don't see.

Thank you

OP posts:

Inertia · 02/09/2015 15:20

Your DH needs to understand that is isn't about 'fair' grandparenting or grandparent top trumps, it's about the recovery of a hospital patient (you!) While you are in hospital YOU decide who visits you.

maras2 · 02/09/2015 15:24

I'm a mum and a mum in law and grandma to 3 DGC's.I have never expected 'rights' around grandkid's birth nor have I ever been disappointed.You're the mum now,us oldies have had our go so what you want should be accepted by all.Anyone who thinks otherwise is selfish and as for your DH,he should know better and support whatever you want.Years ago we'd say 'get a womb,get an opinion'?Wouldn't dream of saying it now though Time to lay down the law.

cosmicglittergirl · 02/09/2015 15:25

I don't think you are being unreasonable to want your mum there, if you need her to support you post birth. I'm the otjer way round, in that I prefer my MIL to come straight after as she's more relaxing than my parents. Can't it just be your mum visits then the PIL visit after. If your mum is closer she could go and come back after the PIL have gone? Also, they can take your first child off out the house, which is very helpful I find.

fizzingmum · 02/09/2015 15:30

I am shocked at some of the responses on here! OP, its you that is giving birth and all of the emotions and pain that come with it. You should only have people there that you decide. Once home and you have had time to recover, then they can visit. Its a very personal time and its up to you who you share it with and who you need to support you. There is plenty that the IL's can do to feel involved. I wonder if it was their daughter giving birth, would they feel the same about sharing it with her in laws? It makes me mad that people think they have a right to dictate this. YANBU and should do what feels right. You cant get the time back afterwards, so don't let it sully the experience. Good luck xx

AbeSaidYes · 02/09/2015 15:31

"I was quite sad that due to work commitments and the distance we lived away, that PILs didn't get to meet our two for at least 10 days after they were born. "

Some of my family traveled by plane to be there but only met my child for one day ten days after he was born because he was in NICU. My own mum didn't meet him for two weeks. None of us suffered.

TheFairyCaravan · 02/09/2015 15:35

Did I say any of us suffered, Abe?

Chattymummyhere · 02/09/2015 15:35

The thing is even for the first few weeks it's still not really about the baby you are recovering from which ever type of birth you have had. The baby is the reason for the pain but it's not the baby that is what makes new mums want their mums more it's the fact you are leaking from several places, may have had stitches, your emotions are all over the place it's the women who needs the care more than the infant the intact needs food,, sleep, clean nappy and cuddles. The women has to get her head around everything and recover from the birth.

I wanted my mum more than my mil, but both where welcome to visit but I certainly wouldn't have my mil to stay over.

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