AIBU - in laws visiting when DC2 is born

[butttons]

I am currently 34 weeks pregnant with DC2 (we already have DD who is 2.5 years old). My parents live 90 mins drive away from us and PILs live 6 hrs drive away. When DD was born my parents came to the hospital (she is first grandchild) and stayed with us for a few days to help out. PILs came when DD was 4 weeks old and stayed with us for about a week to help out after DH had gone back to work. PILs have 3 other grandchildren.

For birth of DC2, DH wants his parents to be able to come to the hospital too and has said that it should be both sets or neither sets of parents. I can sort of see his point as my parents got to come to the hospital and his didn't for DD, but the thought of having his parents here immediately after giving birth fills me with dread. It's not that I don't get on with MIL, she tends to take over a little bit and do things her way (I am slightly OCD about the way I like my kitchen etc and know that this feeling is more about me than anything she does) but I find it very difficult to relax around her. It doesn't help that FIL has mobility issues, with which she has very little patience, and she is a bit selfish (she's asked me how I am feeling a total of 3 times during this entire pregnancy) And I know she'll monopolise DH's time with her problems when she is here (e.g. Her favourite time to ring him is during DD's dinner/bath/bedtime which is the only time DH gets with her during the week and she doesn't seem to hear if Dd is having tantrums at the time). When they came when DD was tiny I always felt like I was holding them up from doing things as Dd would want a feed or need to be changed as soon as they got their coats on to go out so then they'd sit on the sofa just waiting and I'd rush DD so we could carry on with our plans. I also found comments like "can't you give her a bottle" not very helpful. I'm just really aware that my hormones are going to be all over the place when DC2 is born and I don't want to add extra stress to this time. Ideally I'd like it to be just me, DH, DD and my mum within easy reach (e.g. at her sister's, not with us). As PILs live so far away we can't really ask them to come down at the birth for 1-2 days and then again a few weeks later.

AIBU to be selfish and not want PILs here at birth? I feel like a right cow saying no but I just remember how emotional I felt when Dd was born and do not feel like I will be able to relax with them around. I also know it's going to be hard telling my parents not to come to the hospital.... And tbh we are going to need some help with DD when Dc comes along. This is now stressing me out more than the actual birth (oh and having a toddler and newborn in tow).

all and sundry

Polly So you did exactly what this OP is planning to do; you didn't have your MIL to stay either? Why try to make her feel guilty by talking about yourself when you didn't actually do it yourself?

Surely a bleeding stitched-up etc. woman is within her rights to choose exactly who spending long periods of time in her own home!!! Quite frankly I don't give a damn what you did if you lack the compassion to see that. I also doubt that your DIL will want you there with the entitled attitude you're showing at the moment.

Have your parents over for visits to the house by all means. They live 1.5hrs away as opposed to six, it wouldn't be fair to keep them at bay until your in laws can make it when they can make a flying visit and go home after without intruding on your hospitality. But having them at the hospital, letting them stay over for weeks at a time...that's going to make the lack of invite to Dh's parents look like a very definite snub, whether you intend it to or not. You'll find that your DH and his family will have made mental "allowances" re. the discrepancies between your parents and his with your first, but I don't think they'll be able to do the same so easily with no.2.

To hell with the people who think 'both sets of parents should be treated equally'. Childbirth isn't a spectator sport, a recovering nursing mother needs be around people she can happily and comfortably sit around with her tits hanging out in her oldest and scruffiest pjs that no doubt have more than a few questionable stains.

I can't believe that some of you think the OP should miss out on the support of her own mother because that wouldn't be 'fair' to the MIL.

And I can't believe posters who think that the baby's father has no rights for his parents to visit.

Scarlet

Surely it's not about rights but about what's best for the mother and by extension the child? After all, she has just given her husband the biggest gift at greater personal cost than he will ever really know. Couldn't he put his own 'rights' on hold for a few short weeks?

It's worth noting that the OP had no problem with her inlaws visiting for a day, which means they would have been introduced to the baby by their son and had major amounts of cuddling time. It was the OP's good nature that meant she felt it was unfair to invite them for one day when they had so far to come, so it would be better left altogether for a few weeks. Can't you see that this is not a selfish person talking? And what humane, compassionate individual would think 'yes but all that matters is my son's rights and my rights'? We're talking about someone who's pushed a watermelon out of you know where for goodness sake. I was recently at a birth and to be honest, I've been in accidents that were a lot easier to get over. Perhaps there's something I'm missing, but I feel that if the in-laws put their 'rights' over compassion at such a time, they probably don't 'deserve' to be treated like family anyway, because they're not treating the most vulnerable person present as if they loved her.

Though I do agree with you Scarlet that it is a great pity if the PILs are not granted the opportunity of a cuddle in the early days.

that was to scarlet, not to you feather.

You might be the dreadful MIL one day, being excluded because your son's wife says so.

I'd rather be excluded than invited on sufferance.

The most important thing in the few days after a birth is that the mother and baby get the best care and support.

Everyone else's feelings come second because they aren't the ones recovering from a physically traumatic event and probably trying to establish BFing which is painful and undignified at this stage.

The thought of my presence being tolerated in order that the mother could have a clear conscience about having those around her she really wants is truly awful.

Any PILs who want to be around in those circumstances don't deserve to be there.

Huh? Are they royalty?

I genuinely don't think people are saying the baby's father has no right to his parents visiting! I think they should be welcome to visit the baby as soon as the mother is ok to have anyone there on a visit BUT a MIL is not the same as a mother to the woman who has just had a baby. I love, trust and hugely respect my MIL. There is little I would be embarrassed about around her but I still don't want her living in my house in the days after baby is born. Too many gross, embarrassing and emotional things. I'm fine with my mum being around me in that state however. It's not about OH or how I feel about my in laws or anyone's right to see their grandchild. It's about recovering from labour those first couple of weeks. I would be fine with my in laws visiting regularly for a couple of hours though, even a day or so after the birth. Just not staying.

My MIL would be horrified if I treated her just like my mother, as you're suggesting Confused
She doesn't want to see my cracked nipples, inspect my c-section wound, or give me advice about how to deal with the worst constipation of my life. We are close; but she didn't change my nappies, we're not that close!

Confused, no, not entirely, is he bleeding, emotional, traumatised, did he just go through major trauma or potentially surgery? The whole point is that when someone gives birth, people rush to see the baby, forgetting that the mother is also a patient! And it is perfectly understandable in those circumstances that she might want her own mum to look after her, without wanting any visitors coming to see the baby, and her mother mothering her shouldn't be measured in a oneupmanship contest of who happened to see the baby first. The baby doesn't know anything about what is going on. The mother, the recovering one, knows and gets to have an opinion about who sees her bleeding, leaking, dishevelled, blubbing, probably with both boobs hanging out. And while some people may have that kind of relationship with their in laws, others dont, and the husband should respect the needs of his wife at an incredibly vulnerable Time, and weigh up whether his parents descending is actually good for everyone.

Confused - she doesn't object to the pils seeing the baby its the fact they'll stay with them, do nothing to help, then criticise her for BFing.
DH's first duty is to his wife and DC.

Nobody is saying that the DH's parents don't matter - just that they are not the parents of the patient.

When the DH is the patient after a process or procedure which leaves his genitals in tatters, I'm sure the OP will understand perfectly that he might want a chance to recover in peace before he hosts a visit from his in-laws.

After DT were born PIL visited the week after for a weekend, DH has to make the beds, shops, clean round etc ... he was really not happy about all the effort required!! ... then theres the dinner to cook, tea to make etc ... I told them im not a waitress and ill have a cuppa when they are making one ... they werent happy!! ... a flying visit is different to a full on hotel stay!

Well confused hurtful
so the OP should have a baby
go home
prepare dinner feed pils
wash the pots
make up the beds
BF the baby
really ?
And its a 6 hour drive, some women aren't even in hospital that long.

I think for a MIL to be told that she has to wait to see the baby but the woman's mother can visit as soon as she likes is hurtful.

Tough. The MIL can choose to be hurt or choose to understand.

Whether the mother's mother is felt to be an appropriate person to support her at a very undignified, emotional and vulnerable time of her life is none of the MIL's business.

The mother should have the people around her who make her feel comfortable and can help her through a difficult time. Whether that person is a parent, friend, sister, cousin or neighbour from three doors down is her business and nobody else's.

If the father was the one in hospital or recovering from the physical and emotional trauma, it would, quite rightly, be his wishes that were paramount.

Confused, if the MIL is hurt, then it's her issue for the reasons quite a few posters already outlined. BUT some dil's might use it as an opportunity to put their Mil in her place. That would absolutely not be the case in my situation. I'd be happy for my in laws to visit the baby for an hr or so very soon after the birth but I'd like my mum to stay and look after me a few days. It's not a competition between mother and Mil. It's just different relationships. Just like sister and SIL are different.

I was happy for my PILS to visit us in hospital both times. BUT I was in hospital for nearly a week so bored shit less so pleased of the company. They don't impose. My MIL had made sure she remembers what it was like to have just given birth so is super considerate. If they came to stay when the DDs were babies would bring their own bedding and bring dinner, clean the bathroom, change our bedding, and do anything else they could to make that time easier for us. In short my PILS are amazing and care about me.

If I had PILS like the OPs (who aren't that bad in comparison to some) or some others on here I would probably have thought very differently.

Op - you are getting a bit of a hard time here. But so soon after birth, it isn't about being fair it's about enabling the mother to recover as quickly as possible and bond with her baby. Anyone who doesn't put those at the top of the priority list is a bit of a bell end. ..