Oh for goodness sake. I HATE the atitude that grandparents need to be treated equally in the first few weeks of a babies life. It really doesn't matter to the baby if they meet maternal or paternal grandparents two hours ot two weeks after their birth. Not all grandparents have equal relationship with their child and their child's patner. Not all have the same means avaliable to them as the other set of parents be it distance they need to travle, flexablity of work, or the empathy and understanding to support the new parents.
I do think after the post birth period it's more acceptable to try to make things fare as both sets of grandparents should be able to develop a loving relationship with their grandparents. But that it also shouldn't limit or prevent a more avaliable set of grandparents seeing the child just because they can't or won't visit or allow visitors. We try to keep things equal between my parents and dh's issuing the same invites for outtings and meals out together, times to visit at home for roughly equal lengths of time. But my parents live closer and tend to accept more invites to do things with us. Ils on the other hand don't respond to invites and if any responce is given it's usually no I can't do xxxx, at the point we'd be expecting them to arrive. Any invites we are given to family events are at the earliest the night before but usually an hour or so before they'd want us to arrive. Prehaps I need to limit my parents time with dd as ils don't make the effort of aprove of us visiting at times that work for us, ie when dh isn't working, day time when they are home. As I see it they have equal opportunity but choose not to use it, we say yes to them whenever physically possiable for us but they tend to choose times they know we aren't avaliable. Mil and her mother, however focus on how unfair it is that they don't have the same relationship with dd that my mum has. In fact mil works less than 10 hours a week term time only where as my mum has two jobs and is undergoing an intense training process to become ordained, a mother under going chemo and her other dd is strugling with depression, so could see much more of dd if she chose to.
We're hopefully expecting dc2 next year and before even started to try dh and I agreed what was acceptable for post birth visiting. If I'm in for long enough and am well enough visitors visiting at hospital will be welcomed, this may well be the case as I might need a c section. Dd will be the first to visit, my parents, sister, close friends or bil will have her (not mil/fil as we know them having her alone is not a safe opption until she is more awear of safety). It is likely my parents will have her and will bring her to hospital as soon as I'm presentable enough not to scare her so will meet dc2 first. Mil met dd first, so if she wants to go on about it being fair, it's my mum and dad's turn. At home we've agreed not to invite people to visit until I am discharged by the midwife as demands to visit for hours and daily from ils made this period with dd a living hell. If I'm not in hospital long enough for visitors, mil and fil will be invited for a short visit when it is convinient for us in the first day or two, but it will be for half an hour at most, if they want longer they will need to wait.
My parents will be around in that time. People can say or think what they like about that but the fact of the matter is we know from experience my parents will offer invaluable support where as mil and fil will make more work for us and cause upset. My mum and dad won't be there to see the baby, but will be offering practical support, not be sat expecting to cuddle the baby and hold a conversation. They will probably be in and out making sure dd is able to get out, taking washing, doing washing up, putting meals in the slow cooker or devlivering cooked food, doing shopping runs and helping out with my personal care if needed. I've suffered with really bad morning sickness and they've been fantastic, done what ever they can to help. My mum will pick up dd's toys and run the hover round, pack up a bag of washing to take away, my dad will do the washing up, clean the kitchen and mop the floor to save dh a job, do the ironing and sort any dry washing so it just needs to be put away. They just want to support us and make life easier for us. Mil has visited twice since I've been pregnant, and moaned about the state of the house, dh having to do the washing, the fact there are dishes in the sink or that the washing basket is full. She doesn't offer to help, but hovers over anyone doing anything tutting about how they do it. Dh asked her to help dry up when she watched him do the washing up and he was told off for being inhospitable! It's not what any of us need in the post birth period so why should we expose ourselves to it. We'll wait until we are more able to offer her hospitality to her desired level.
Thank god dh is on the same page. He wanted to make sure I still wanted to allow my parents to help. They are the ones he phones if something is worrying him, not his mum.