AIBU - in laws visiting when DC2 is born

[butttons]

I am currently 34 weeks pregnant with DC2 (we already have DD who is 2.5 years old). My parents live 90 mins drive away from us and PILs live 6 hrs drive away. When DD was born my parents came to the hospital (she is first grandchild) and stayed with us for a few days to help out. PILs came when DD was 4 weeks old and stayed with us for about a week to help out after DH had gone back to work. PILs have 3 other grandchildren.

For birth of DC2, DH wants his parents to be able to come to the hospital too and has said that it should be both sets or neither sets of parents. I can sort of see his point as my parents got to come to the hospital and his didn't for DD, but the thought of having his parents here immediately after giving birth fills me with dread. It's not that I don't get on with MIL, she tends to take over a little bit and do things her way (I am slightly OCD about the way I like my kitchen etc and know that this feeling is more about me than anything she does) but I find it very difficult to relax around her. It doesn't help that FIL has mobility issues, with which she has very little patience, and she is a bit selfish (she's asked me how I am feeling a total of 3 times during this entire pregnancy) And I know she'll monopolise DH's time with her problems when she is here (e.g. Her favourite time to ring him is during DD's dinner/bath/bedtime which is the only time DH gets with her during the week and she doesn't seem to hear if Dd is having tantrums at the time). When they came when DD was tiny I always felt like I was holding them up from doing things as Dd would want a feed or need to be changed as soon as they got their coats on to go out so then they'd sit on the sofa just waiting and I'd rush DD so we could carry on with our plans. I also found comments like "can't you give her a bottle" not very helpful. I'm just really aware that my hormones are going to be all over the place when DC2 is born and I don't want to add extra stress to this time. Ideally I'd like it to be just me, DH, DD and my mum within easy reach (e.g. at her sister's, not with us). As PILs live so far away we can't really ask them to come down at the birth for 1-2 days and then again a few weeks later.

AIBU to be selfish and not want PILs here at birth? I feel like a right cow saying no but I just remember how emotional I felt when Dd was born and do not feel like I will be able to relax with them around. I also know it's going to be hard telling my parents not to come to the hospital.... And tbh we are going to need some help with DD when Dc comes along. This is now stressing me out more than the actual birth (oh and having a toddler and newborn in tow).

My own mum didn't meet him for two weeks. None of us suffered.

She said she was sad about it, which is a perfectly natural feeling. She never said anyone suffered.

My PIL came to the hospital whilst I was in labour with ds1 (I was in labour for 37.75 hours), and we're back within 4 hours of his arrival - but, and it is a big but, I got on well with them, and knew I wasn't going to be stressed or upset by seeing them.

If, like me, you get on well with the ILs, then I'd say there's no reason not to let them come and see you and the baby as soon after the birth as your own parents - but it seems clear that that is not the case here. The last thing a new mum, who has just been through labour, who will be exhausted and sore, and who may well be trying to establish breastfeeding needs is stress.

So if a particular visitor or visitors are going to cause stress, I don't think it matters who they are or what relation they are to the new parents and the baby, they shouldn't be visiting until the new mum is ready to see them.

Of course you're more relaxed around your own Mum, some women are.

I don't think either you or your dh is being unreasonable, it's a matter of that happy medium.

Assuming your birth is quick and straightforward you'll be out in 6 hours or first thing the next morning so no time really for visitors at the hospital other than your dh.

Do your InLaws want to come down so quickly this time?

i would not want to see my PIL just after pushing a baby out to be honest, innards hanging out and swollen bits and all… perhaps a catheter bag full of wee by the bed. eugh. no thank you. i would mind my close family being there though. I do think there is a very clear difference between seeing his family and your family in this very personal circumstance. Do what you feel comfortable with, YANBU if you don't want them to visit you in hospital. I think in this case your preference should take priority over the baby's grandparents.

*I would not mind my close family being there!

You're not being princessy or at all unreasonable.

Recovering from giving birth is a time when you should have the people around who support you best. If that's your parents then they should be there.

Treating GPs like toddlers who will tantrum if one gets more than the other is ridiculous and, to be perfectly frank insulting to them. If I were in the PIL's position, I would prefer to think that I would be given a little credit and the assumption made that I would prefer the people I loved to have the care and support that suits them best at a time like this.

Excluding one set of GPs simply to appease the other set, thereby depriving a new mother of support from her nearest and dearest, is a horrible thing to do.

Life isn't always fair and I'm pretty sure and sensible GPs are well used to that by now and would take the delay in meeting their new DGC on the chin. Anyone who would feel better knowing that the other setof GPs had been kept away purely to appease them isn't worth any consideration anyway.

OP, make the arrangements that will suit you best and make sure you fully expect your DH to support you in that.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but I can see where your DH is coming from.

When I had DD we were in hospital for 3days. The first 24 hours were just me, DD and duringv visiting hours DH. Then my DM and MIL came together to visit for an hour. They both realised I was in a lot of pain and very tired so met my DD and left again. SIL came to visit the next day on the same principle. However the second we got home DM, her partner and my DGPs turned up. I kicked them all out after a cup of tea and took DD to bed.
It took me weeks to recover from episiotomy and forcep delivery and if I hadn't had visitors I think me and DH would have killed each other in our sleep deprived state however no one stayed for longer than an hour.

Put your foot down as to people staying with you. Its not the right time. Hotels etc exist for this reason. Get PIL to stay at a hotel or b&b and visit for an hour or so a day whilst they are around.

Yanbu, its a tough time giving birth, you should have the right to have visitors when you feel ready.

I decided with my dh that I wanted people who cared about what I have just gone through to see us first after the birth of our dc in 6 weeks. So my mum and sister will be coming first.

My mil only cares about seeing the baby, she will be expecting to be waited on while she holds the baby and tells us the right way to do everything the thought of handing the baby over to her makes me sick so she will be the last to visit.

Not all visitors are the same, some can be selfish and stressful to be around, you have a right to keep those people away if you want to, you are the one who has had the baby.

your dh does not get to dictate to you who visits you in hospital, nor does he get to dictate to you who you must have in your house just after birth.

Your parents have known you all your life and im pretty sure seen you on every level, his parents are not your parents, and tbh I don't care what anyone else says, parent/inlaw's have different relationships, just because he's your dh, his parents don't get the same status/realationship to the birthing/new mum, in a hospital.

If you are in the UK you won't likely be in hospital long enough for visitors with a 2nd DC. (If everything goes normally).

Tell your DH that and say that you will both decide when you are ok for visitors

It sounds like a practical issue about your parents coming to the hospital and his not. Also it's normal to have the mothers mother come and stay after the birth to help but less so for the Mil to. I would tell your in laws they are welcome to visit the hospital for a couple of hours. But if your mum is staying in your house to help, they will need to stay elsewhere until you are a bit more back to normal. It's you who needs to physically recover so it's your mum you are most comfortable with naturally for those first days. It's not a race or a competition of who sees baby first! Fir the record I'm very close to my MIL and she is wonderful, never oversteps and extremly helpful. But still I would want my mum there in the early days as I can be much more direct, relaxed etc. Very glad my mum was there when I had a little 'accident' a week or so after the birth rather than my MIL! I'm sure you love and care for your MIL but your dh and in laws should get over their high horses and understand it's not a slight that your mum met the baby first and is more likely to stay for the early days.

Let both sets visit you in hospital, but neither stays in your home.
And your husband, who is behaving so childishly, can tell them why.

YANBU. I can't understand posters who say you can't exclude one set of GPs, that it's either all or nothing. FFS, the woman giving birth is a hospital patient! I don't understand why it's one rule on visiting a patient after a non-maternity hospital stay (you visit if the patient would like you to visit and is up to the visit) and then a who-gives-a-feck-what-the-post-partum-patient wants and I'm gonna visit anyway because I'm the child's GP and how dare the new mother deny me that right.

So fuck that. You've just had a baby. You get to decide who visits you in hospital, not your DH. Until he's the one pushing a baby out of his body, then he doesn't get a say.

I often begin to feel sad when I read threads on this topic. I'm only ever going to have the chance to be the MIL in this senario and the idea that I could be excluded from the early days or weeks of my (imaginary) grandchild's life simply because I would be the paternal grandmother is upsetting. Surely a DH is within his rights to want to share that time in his life with his parents in the same way as a DW? It never occurred to me that my MIL, who I am not particularly fond of, wasn't equal to my mother in terms of visiting us after birth. Both live a long way away so I had to 'host' each of them when they visited.

I think you're being totally unreasonable. For me it's either both or none. It's your DH's baby too.

I have two sons and I have hopefully learned enough from mumsnet to not be the dreaded mil, should the situation arise. I won't ignore the dil except when she's breeding, sit on the sofa while she runs about, talk only to ds etc. I will enjoy dgcs if they come, but won't try to relive my motherhood with them. I will accept that things have changed "since my day". I will bite my tongue.
Hopefully all this will mean my presence soon after birth will not be unwelcome - but i'll still be checking into a hotel!

Polly, Scarlet - can you not spare a thought for the woman who has just given birth in this scenario? She will be in pain, exhausted, emotional, bleeding, possibly just after getting stitched up down below. Why should she have to entertain a visit from her MIL just because you think you have a right to be there to see your new GC? I would never impose myself on somebody who wishes to have a bit of space and privacy after going through labour and birth, and it's really selfish to demand to be there.

When my DIL gives birth in the next few weeks, I fully accept that I will not be the first, second or even fifth person to see the baby. I completely understand that she will want her DM to look after her. I would feel most uncomfortable if DIL was anxious about me seeing her in pain or if she was having problems with BF.

The baby won't change that much over a few days. I will wait for the invitation to visit.

Coconut I have been the bleeding, stitched up, on morphine after a not straight forward birth woman.

I welcomed my MIL, who admittedly stayed in a hotel because our house is too small to put people up, as soon as she was able to get here. My DH was delighted to share that moment in his life with her.

Yes I can, and that's why I said both or none. If she doesn't want one set of grandparents there the other set should not be invited either. It's devaluing their relationship to the baby instantly.

I agree with nearlyteatime101 Wed 02-Sep-15 15:52:13 You ANBU at all!

I think it's fair enough to say that his parents can visit the same as your parents, but it's to be the same as your parents, as in, they visit for a bit then leave, they aren't hosted for a few days. Offer them that they would be welcome to visit the baby, but you don't feel you'll be up to hosting anyone for the first 2 weeks - so they are welcome to visit earlier, but would need to book a B&B or travelodge. DH can pass on that message.

There's another matter too - if your parents are the ones who'll be looking after DC1 when you are in labour, then their first visit will also be about bringing DC1 to meet DC2, not really about the GPs meeting DC2 first, but making sure DC1 gets to meet their sibling first. (When I had DC2, it was PIL who live near by who saw me on the afternoon after my c-section with DC2 as they had picked DC1 from pre-school and brought him to the hospital, my parents came the next day, when I was up for visitors).

If both sets of grandparents are there, it's going to get a bit crowded, and really the only person other than the OP's feelings that really matter is DC1! Staggering it a bit might be good, not just for you, but for DC1. And you might not be in hospital long with DC2, anyone I know kept in for more than a few hours was because they'd had a non-straight forward birth, you might well be out before they've had chance to drive 6 hours!

My in laws expect waiting on hand and foot - and they certainly did when they did visit when DD was 2 weeks old. Yet drive for hours to their house and you could leave 12 hours later without being offered so much as a cup of tea.

Another one here who feels that it's entirely reasonable of you to want it your way and to have it your way (i.e., with your mum there) in the first couple of weeks post-delivery.

Things get far too complicated when information is blasted out to all sundry (like facebook - causes so many unnecessary rows). The trick here is not to tell the PILs when your mum is going to be there. Then you can be as uneven as you like about access. If MIL is forward enough to ask outright about your mother's movements, your DH can be vague, or be purposefully clueless about what your mum's plans, in fact, are.

I would let them know they are most welcome to come for a day in the first few weeks, but that is all. I wouldn't remotely worry about how they might feel about that. It actually blows my mind that any adult who has been through the trauma of giving birth could actually wish themselves onto another adult regardless of their needs.

There is nothing wrong with saying 'I love you both and I know that it will strain our relationship if you are here for longer than a day at a time when I'll be feeling very tired and vulnerable. I also need to prioritise whatever will help me to feel strong and recovered as quickly as possible for the baby's sake and also your son's. We will really look forward to having you to stay as soon as I'm healed up and have got my bearings.'