So upset...husband left children alone, twice, asleep, LOCKED IN!

[jemama333]

Hi all, I have joined Mumsnet specifically to post in this forum as I am so upset and would welcome your views.

Yesterday evening I was at a meeting, and didn't have the car as we had a drink in the afternoon at a party. While I was there I got a text from home saying "do you want a lift back as I have to pop out to the shop anyway?" I said, ok, thanks, but I think the shop may be shut when I'm finished, and suggested he tried to find out the closing time.

If we need to nip out when the children (very nearly 8, and 6) are in bed, my adult daughter lives next door, and we would usually ask her to come into our house, so I presumed this was what he was going to do.

I didn't hear any more, so texted to ask if was around or should I walk - only 10 minutes walk, didn't mind at all - he said he was outside to give me a lift. On the way back, I asked if he got what he wanted at the shop, and he said he was worried it would have closed so had gone earlier - he had just come for me as a second trip out. I commented that (adult daughter) wouldn't be too happy being asked to come round twice, and he said "oh, she wouldn't come, she has friends round, she said she can hear stuff in our house, I just locked them in." AT WHICH POINT I NEARLY SHOT OUT OF THE CAR WINDOW IN FRIGHT AND STARTED RUNNING.

I start ranting....hurry up, hurry up, I'll ring her and get her to go in - although we were 3 minutes from home by then when he said, "Oh, but I've got the keys with me!" Cue even more frantic ranting and every scenario you can imagine going through my head. He said he left the keys behind on the first occasion but forgot the second time.

I was out of that car before he had pulled down the drive, and in the door - all quiet. He comes in...."see, nothing has gone wrong, you can calm down now" At which point I go off like a firework again, as THAT IS NOT THE POINT!!

By the time we get to bed, I am still fuming, and he was apologising for his "stupid misjudgement" and that he had learnt his lesson etc. I can't forget this. He is normally very good with the children.

I have been thinking about asking him if we can separate for some time now, as I don't love him - there is no physical attraction at all, and I feel we would be better as co-parents who didn't live together. The only thing that stops me is that (as I have a few issues from my childhood) I don't know if there is "something wrong" with me, that might change my feelings if I dealt with the problem. However, after last night.....am I being unreasonable to have let this affect me so badly, and to want to end things NOW?

Would appreciate your advice folks. :(

[jemama333]

Thanks....I'm a lot calmer now I look back on the other evening's events. It is interesting to read back over the replies again. I'm neither mentally unstable or abusive, not a crazy lady, hysterical or ridiculous - we all lose our control occasionally, and I do find it hard to believe that none of the posters on here have ever shouted at their husband while he was driving, having discovered something shocking - but it seems that I am mistaken in my belief that this was an unusual situation.

It's just that I don't know anyone (personally) who admits to leaving their children alone when they go out. I'm quite old, not a young thing, so perhaps I'm a bit out of date with what is "normal" these days (I'm sure most of us leave sleeping children for a short while in the house when we are in the street outside, or the garden, I'm quite accepting of that as it seems much safer with the house unlocked and in view) The "nipping out" thing may be ok for some children, depending on their characters and age, but it's not something I'm prepared to do for a few years yet.

I'm just a normal person who has been through a lot of bad stuff (both in my career and personal life) and know that if things can go wrong, they often do, which is probably why I panicked. I have been maliciously reported to social services in the past by my ex, which is an ordeal I wouldn't wish on anyone, so that was in the back of my mind too.

If I ever post on Mumsnet again, I will try to find a topic area that is more appropriate to my query. :)

[Unhappyuser]

You think a fire is going to break out the second he leaves the house?

Op ridiculous over reaction and you asked him to come and get you

[jemama333]

I did not ask him to come and get me! My intention when posting just above was to acknowledge the different views but offer some explanation as to why I found the incident shocking where others would not. I was concluding this thread, but it appears you haven't read my posts properly all, especially as you think I asked him to pick me up.

[YouAreMyRain]

OP when I have done risk assessments professionally, they involve two factors; severity of possible outcome - which in your mind was very high, and the possibility of that event actually occurring - which in your situation was extremely low.
Unless your children are prone to waking up frequently and often fall over on their way to the toilet, and unless your house was full of lit candles and free roaming cats wearing flammable suits, the chances of something going wrong during a 20 minute period when the children were asleep was very, very low. Incredibly low.
I think that you massively overreacted, and as PPs have said, your OP sounded like you were trying to find a reason to justify ending your marriage. This isn't marriage-ending stuff.
I hope things have calmed down now.

[Gruntfuttock]

"the chances of something going wrong during a 20 minute period when the children were asleep was very, very low"

Bear in mind that the journey home from the meeting was a 10 minute walk so a small fraction of that time in the car.

[jemama333]

Lots of assumptions going on here, which is why these threads can be full of disagreement. The drive home takes about the same time as the walk, due to a pedestrian footbridge route inaccessible to cars.

I am also a professional risk assessor and ex-fire service. My 6 year old dors wake up quite a bit. We have 2 cats and a kitten which nearly blew up my laptop last week by spilling water inside it, who may have been indoors, and occasionally jump on the bunk beds if the door has been left open giving the girls a fright. We have extremely steep cottage stairs and a downstairs bathroom. The windows have key operated locks which are quite puzzling to a sleepy child. So, it may not have been up to my professional standard, but my mental risk assessment included a lot of factors. I have already explained that I am not in a hurry to work out the correct course of action, in fact we had a discussion about it yesterday.

[jemama333]

*does

[jemama333]

Before the "ha ha, she doesn't like being disagreed with" lot pounce on me again, the only reason I am correcting facts is that I have no problem with all the different views, but in the interest of fairness, I'm sure you would agree that they should at least be based on the facts stated in my post....or, if not clear, the facts that I would be happy to clarify if asked. As another poster has stated, there are almost identical threads on here with such supportive replies that I feel it must be a combination of my rather florid description of how upset I was which has set your minds against me. If my post had said "I am a bit cross" I imagine I wouldn't have got so many peoples back up. I have learnt my lesson.

[YouAreMyRain]

I think people have reacted negatively because you posted on AIBU and when most people said YABU, you said "no I'm not" that always gets people's backs up. Why ask if you are being unreasonable if you don't want to hear the responses?!

[jemama333]

Um....I didn't say that? And I did want to hear them. I don't any more....I'm a bit fed up with this now, and rather irritated that I can't just delete the thread.

All I have done is correct factual inaccuracies, on which opinions were based, and offer further explanations where there was a bit of debate. I also commented that some of the posts weren't simple agreement or disagreement, but their tone and wording was intended to taunt or belittle me (the "ha ha" posters, for example)

If you have only just come across this thread, and have managed to read all the way to the end without losing the will to live, please don't waste another minute of your day replying.....really. I think this has been well and truly explored now.

[mysticlogistic]

Its great that you can look back on it and reflect. Even without any assumptions I don't think many people were at all defending your husband in his actions, I think its just that they were more shocked by your reaction to them than to his actual actions iyswim.

I don't think anybody thinks its an ok thing to choose to do, but that as long as its not a persistent thing it wasn't really deserving of that reaction. I called you OTT but I don't in the slightest think its ok to leave kids alone.

I've never done it but I must admit it did enter my mind this morning very briefly (Had spent a long night in A&E with DH, 2 year old and 5 month old).

Very tired this morning and 5 month old was sleeping peacefully in her cot sound asleep and I needed to get toddler to nursery. The nursery is literally about 20 doors down the road from us and it was tropical storm level rain this morning and I thought to myself surely its better to leave her in bed I'm likely to be 4 or 5 minutes tops. But I couldn't actually do it, I don't think its ok. We all have our own level of judgement for these things and in some circumstances it is likely to be much better, like the farmers wife who posted above. It is one of those agree to disagree things unless its persistent neglect. But at least you can look back on it and reflect.

[Klaptrap]

YABU. You sound quite unhinged.

[YouAreMyRain]

"I've only just now got home and on the internet. I'm a bit taken aback. I am amazed so many people think what happened last night was ok.

I don't think shouting at my husband was ridiculous when you realise that the relative listening out for them can't actually hear anything, even though she said she could. She is 19, and was in a house full of friends. She had no key to get in even if she noticed a problem. The children were locked in, and so unable to get out of the house if they woke up and needed something (on the second occasion)

When they are awake, they are of course able to find me if I am talking to their big sister, or am hanging the washing out etc. At night, if waking up, they would be very alarmed to find the there was nobody in the house.

I am quite shocked, also, at the lack of fire safety knowledge amongst Mumsnet users on here....do you know that a small electrical fault can ignite items that will lead to poisonous fumes and smoke within a couple of minutes of it happening? Maybe being ex-fire service has made me over-cautious, but better that than burnt."

^^This sounds like you responding with "NO I am NOT being unreasonable!!" You were being defensive and not taking on board other people's opinions after you had asked for them. That's why people got annoyed.

[quicklydecides]

Read the thread people.
Nothing to see here.
Op, I think people are still responding to the opening post, and I think you are right, if you had described your reaction in calmer more muted terms you may have had a different response.

[Junosmum]

I don't think you were over reacting. It sounds as though he left them locked in and your daughter didn't have a key. Could the children have got out if they needed to?

The seperation however is a separate issue.

[PurpleHairAndPearls]

I've just read this thread and am amazed at the pasting OP has received.

I would have been furious and upset too. When my DC were newborn (looking back I think it was PND) I used to have nightmares that I forgot about the DC and left them in the house and had to try and get back but couldn't for various reasons. I would never have left a 6 and 7 year old on their own in the evening especially unaware that they had been left!

I realise it is very unusual but I also had an IKEA lamp in my DS's bedroom (luckily in daytime and no one in the room) develop a fault and catch fire, which spread very quickly. It has made me very aware, as I also had a friend who had a house fire caused by a TV!

I wonder if it is the wording of the OP as I genuinely believe if it was posted more dispassionately, the responses would be different. I honestly believe YANBU.

Separation for other reasons is a different thread I think though, and possibly caused the responses the way it was quite casually mentioned at the end.