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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset...husband left children alone, twice, asleep, LOCKED IN!

141 replies

jemama333 · 31/08/2015 11:27

Hi all, I have joined Mumsnet specifically to post in this forum as I am so upset and would welcome your views.

Yesterday evening I was at a meeting, and didn't have the car as we had a drink in the afternoon at a party. While I was there I got a text from home saying "do you want a lift back as I have to pop out to the shop anyway?" I said, ok, thanks, but I think the shop may be shut when I'm finished, and suggested he tried to find out the closing time.

If we need to nip out when the children (very nearly 8, and 6) are in bed, my adult daughter lives next door, and we would usually ask her to come into our house, so I presumed this was what he was going to do.

I didn't hear any more, so texted to ask if was around or should I walk - only 10 minutes walk, didn't mind at all - he said he was outside to give me a lift. On the way back, I asked if he got what he wanted at the shop, and he said he was worried it would have closed so had gone earlier - he had just come for me as a second trip out. I commented that (adult daughter) wouldn't be too happy being asked to come round twice, and he said "oh, she wouldn't come, she has friends round, she said she can hear stuff in our house, I just locked them in." AT WHICH POINT I NEARLY SHOT OUT OF THE CAR WINDOW IN FRIGHT AND STARTED RUNNING.

I start ranting....hurry up, hurry up, I'll ring her and get her to go in - although we were 3 minutes from home by then when he said, "Oh, but I've got the keys with me!" Cue even more frantic ranting and every scenario you can imagine going through my head. He said he left the keys behind on the first occasion but forgot the second time.

I was out of that car before he had pulled down the drive, and in the door - all quiet. He comes in...."see, nothing has gone wrong, you can calm down now" At which point I go off like a firework again, as THAT IS NOT THE POINT!!

By the time we get to bed, I am still fuming, and he was apologising for his "stupid misjudgement" and that he had learnt his lesson etc. I can't forget this. He is normally very good with the children.

I have been thinking about asking him if we can separate for some time now, as I don't love him - there is no physical attraction at all, and I feel we would be better as co-parents who didn't live together. The only thing that stops me is that (as I have a few issues from my childhood) I don't know if there is "something wrong" with me, that might change my feelings if I dealt with the problem. However, after last night.....am I being unreasonable to have let this affect me so badly, and to want to end things NOW?

Would appreciate your advice folks. :(

OP posts:
BathshebaDarkstone · 01/09/2015 05:28

mysticlogistic they were locked in. How would the 8 year old have been able to open the front door?

DadWasHere · 01/09/2015 06:06

Is this a troll thread? Before sunrise my wife would drive me to the train station so I could go to work. We left our little kids at home asleep in their beds. We made plans to verify my wife arrived back home to the kids safely, thanks to the wonders of the Mobile Phone. God only knows how parents raised kids before those things. The next alternative would have been waking them up to go with us to the station, which would have disrupted their sleep, forced us to wake up half an hour earlier, if not more, and for all that trouble placed them at even more risk due to possible accidents and misadventures in transit.

diddl · 01/09/2015 06:16

"Before sunrise my wife would drive me to the train station so I could go to work. "

Why didn't you get yourself to the station so that the children weren't left?

Original poster
jemama333 · 01/09/2015 07:31

The only time I have commented is when someone's view has been based on incorrect information. Amazing how many people think a child can open a door locked from the outside, with no means of unlocking it without another key. Obviously the car had paused to start reversing before I got out...I did not jump out of a moving car! I am not a troll. I am simply correcting facts, not suggesting that a view is wrong. I am pleased to see that some would have been as horrified as I was, and that has made me feel a bit better. I am used to bullies and abusive people in life, so the ones I encounter on the internet are no different, although they have appeared in large numbers here to my surprise

OP posts:
maybebabybee · 01/09/2015 07:34

But OP why did you ask if you were being unreasonable if you were already sure you werent?

FWIW I think your husband made an error in judgement, I just think your reaction was totally over the top give you were an extremely short distance away.

Hellocampers · 01/09/2015 07:42

Op.. aibu?

Some posters.. Yes you were.

Op.. Well you are abusive bullies on the internet then.

Why ask op if you simply want your reactions confirmed.

Fwiw. I think you were pretty much ott as your dh couldn't have been that long if you could walk it in 10 mins and your adult dd was next door awake with friends and knew the kids were asleep in the house.

Perspective needed, commen sense and a case by case basis always applies with any parenting decision.

Original poster
jemama333 · 01/09/2015 07:49

I wanted reassurance from other mothers that the thought of my children waking up and being distressed to find themselves alone and locked in was normal, after reading very many similar posts on the page, including an almost identical one. Most posters on here have their own opinion prior to asking for others views

OP posts:
drivingmisspotty · 01/09/2015 07:51

Guys, what's with all the 'why did you post on here if you are convinced you are reasonable?'

OP has conceded that this isn't an issue to leave her partner over, but that she should explore those feelings.

Yes she has stuck in that she thinks her DP was unreasonable for locking kids in but many other posters have supported her on this it's not like she is completely denying everything others have said.

I think she has been quite reasonable and polite to so many people having a go at her.

FWIW the 'rule' that OPs must change their minds if that is the way the thread goes really annoys me. There are lots of reasons people post on this board, not always for a completely unbiased opinion on their lives. Often they are looking for reassurance and advice on how to move forward and they get that. It's great that mumsnetters are honest and speak their minds but I don't see the need to harangue someone when they don't change theirs. Perhaps you just haven't been persuasive enough!

drivingmisspotty · 01/09/2015 07:52

Cross posted with OP!

diddl · 01/09/2015 07:52

But was use was the daughter next door if she couldn't gt in?

And if she had friends with her, she wasn't really listening out, was she?

And did she even know that the kids were alone the second time?

I do think OP overreacted, but I don't in any way condone what her husband did.

MistressMerryWeather · 01/09/2015 07:55

But you asked for advice and people advised that you may have over reacted.

Calling people abusive bullies for giving their answers/opinions is not on.

No one has been abusive, don't be so nasty.

Original poster
jemama333 · 01/09/2015 08:09

I think there have been quite a few posts containing enough unpleasantness to tip a few less resilient posters over the edge, actually. (particularly early on) and have not stated anywhere that those who disagreed were bullies. The bullies are the "ha ha she's wrong and doesn't like it" posters who come on here for sport

OP posts:
Pidapie · 01/09/2015 08:19

yanbu to be upset and angry, but you overreacted. leaving over this especially when he's said what he did, I think would be very sad. I hope you manage to calm down and have a mature conversation about why it's not responsible to do what he did, rather than crazylady reaction.

DadWasHere · 01/09/2015 08:28

Why didn't you get yourself to the station so that the children weren't left?

No public transport to the station and an hours walk one way on a clear day when there was no snow on the ground. We would have needed a second car and all the costs that entails.

Penfold007 · 01/09/2015 08:32

OP have you decide what you are going to do about your relationship with your H? I think the incident is a symptom of something much deeper.

987flowers · 01/09/2015 08:42

You can easily unlock all my doors from the inside once locked from the outside and that's been the case in my last 2 houses so it's not surprising some people are asking that question op.

On your issue I agree with many that I wouldn't do it but I wouldn't react in the way that you did. I think it's a symptom of a bigger issue.

diddl · 01/09/2015 08:52

"No public transport to the station and an hours walk"

Bicycle?

So did you leave the kids every morning?

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 01/09/2015 09:35

She's had a panic about the kids. Reaction seems ott but don't we all panic at least once where our kids are concerned? Personally I wouldn't leave kids alone ( we are an unlucky family ) for lots of reasons. My biggest issue would be with the locked door. I had to watch my baby cousin be pulled from a bathroom window while her mum screamed inside her burning flat as they couldn't get out the door. They're both ok thanks to smoke alarm and a fantastic fire service, but it made me think twice about locking anyone inside. Even for a minute. That fire engulfed her flat in moments.

Original poster
jemama333 · 01/09/2015 09:38

Hello....thanks for understanding what it felt like. He has since admitted to me that he thinks he was unwell and overtired that evening - he felt spaced out and couldn't think clearly, and he is now horrified by what he did (bearing in mind our doors can't be opened from the inside without a key, and the fact that my daughter next door wouldn't actually notice if a hungry lion appeared in her kitchen looking for food)
I will not be doing anything hasty, but need to look at whether we should continue together. I don't think either of us are happy, so we must try and work something out. :)

OP posts:
Hellocampers · 01/09/2015 09:42

Not sure any posters were ott to the op though. Robust and forthright but not unduly rough and I have been in aibu for years and that happens sometimes.

Calling people bullies though was a tad ott as you posted for opinions and not blind support.

However op we all at times get scared over our kids and all go ott so you arnt alone. Everyone had their own fears/limits and obviously your dhs are different to yours.

This incident can't possibly the catalyst for leaving him but if you feel you need to move on get some professional advice and good luck to you.

Hellocampers · 01/09/2015 09:43

Oh seem your latest so again op best of luck with your decisions.

ArcheryAnnie · 01/09/2015 12:56

I'd have gone off on one, too, OP. YANBU.

I'm a bit disturbed at all these people who think your reaction was "ridiculous".

Jolyn1 · 01/09/2015 14:06

I would be uncomfortable too, leaving the kids alone locked in (what if there was a fire?), but I don't think it is that bad. And I don't think it needs to play a big role in your deciding whether to go or stay.

pinktips · 02/09/2015 13:36

Maybe the reaction to this was a result of negative feelings surrounding the relationship and could of exacerbated the way you may normally address something like this. Yanbu to have had a reaction. It can take a split second for something bad to happen. Branding you as "ridiculous" is unfair, if this was sounded out in a face to face situation (say amongst a group of people you may have just met) that expression would undoubtedly not be used. The ability to be overly critical, particularly in this forum, is not pleasant. Maybe this post should be moved to a relationship feed, before we all start being a bit unreasonable.

BlahBlahUsername · 02/09/2015 13:48

Opinions on here are very often biased by the wording in the post. As you made so much of being upset, many posters got stuck on that, and the fact that you want to leave your partner.

I don't see that having a responsible adult next door was going to do much good if the kids were locked in the house. Also as she had people over, how much could she hear? I bet they weren't all sitting like church mice with their ears pricked up to hear any sound from next door.

As someone pointed out, traffic accidents are more of a threat. So what if the OP and her husband were killed? How long would it be before the daughter knew? Possibly not till the next day.

I've also seen more than one YWVVU in response to women who left sleeping kids at home to go out to the local shop.

TLDR - You're not unreasonable OP. You've just made the mistake of looking for support in a forum of very unreasonable (and probably PMSing like fuck) people.