Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset...husband left children alone, twice, asleep, LOCKED IN!

141 replies

jemama333 · 31/08/2015 11:27

Hi all, I have joined Mumsnet specifically to post in this forum as I am so upset and would welcome your views.

Yesterday evening I was at a meeting, and didn't have the car as we had a drink in the afternoon at a party. While I was there I got a text from home saying "do you want a lift back as I have to pop out to the shop anyway?" I said, ok, thanks, but I think the shop may be shut when I'm finished, and suggested he tried to find out the closing time.

If we need to nip out when the children (very nearly 8, and 6) are in bed, my adult daughter lives next door, and we would usually ask her to come into our house, so I presumed this was what he was going to do.

I didn't hear any more, so texted to ask if was around or should I walk - only 10 minutes walk, didn't mind at all - he said he was outside to give me a lift. On the way back, I asked if he got what he wanted at the shop, and he said he was worried it would have closed so had gone earlier - he had just come for me as a second trip out. I commented that (adult daughter) wouldn't be too happy being asked to come round twice, and he said "oh, she wouldn't come, she has friends round, she said she can hear stuff in our house, I just locked them in." AT WHICH POINT I NEARLY SHOT OUT OF THE CAR WINDOW IN FRIGHT AND STARTED RUNNING.

I start ranting....hurry up, hurry up, I'll ring her and get her to go in - although we were 3 minutes from home by then when he said, "Oh, but I've got the keys with me!" Cue even more frantic ranting and every scenario you can imagine going through my head. He said he left the keys behind on the first occasion but forgot the second time.

I was out of that car before he had pulled down the drive, and in the door - all quiet. He comes in...."see, nothing has gone wrong, you can calm down now" At which point I go off like a firework again, as THAT IS NOT THE POINT!!

By the time we get to bed, I am still fuming, and he was apologising for his "stupid misjudgement" and that he had learnt his lesson etc. I can't forget this. He is normally very good with the children.

I have been thinking about asking him if we can separate for some time now, as I don't love him - there is no physical attraction at all, and I feel we would be better as co-parents who didn't live together. The only thing that stops me is that (as I have a few issues from my childhood) I don't know if there is "something wrong" with me, that might change my feelings if I dealt with the problem. However, after last night.....am I being unreasonable to have let this affect me so badly, and to want to end things NOW?

Would appreciate your advice folks. :(

OP posts:
whattodohatethis · 31/08/2015 21:47

Doesn't seem you are interested in other views. You are certain you are right despite the majority disagreeing with you

BrandNewAndImproved · 31/08/2015 21:49

I love AIBU threads where the op won't listen to everyone telling her the same thing. Hilarious Grin

msgrinch · 31/08/2015 21:54

"aibu?"

"yes op"

"NO I am not! drip drip drip. wahhh "

yawn.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 31/08/2015 22:02

I'm hiding this thread,Jem as the lack of understanding and support you have received has quite saddened me. And if I do say anything else I'll say too much.
Take care. X

Original poster
jemama333 · 31/08/2015 22:09

I can't read any more of this. My children were locked in. They can't open the windows as they are very stiff and the only person who lives nearby was their sister in a noisy house next door. If my nearly-8 year old had dialled 999 for some reason, we would be interviewed by the Police and Social Services as it is not legal in Scotland to leave a child under 12 alone. We are also soon to have a state-appointed guardian for each child, even those who have parents, who can over-rule what we decide.

The children had no idea their father had gone out. If the just-6 year old had got up to use the loo, and fallen, or been frightened to find the house in silence, she would have been very distressed - that is what she is like. The older one wouldn't have been such a problem, but she still wouldn't have been able to go and get her big sister from next door.

I don't consider that giving my husband a bollocking in the car, and again when he implied it didn't matter is at all ridiculous - what I was seeking comments on was whether most people would be shocked/angry to find out their children were left for a non-serious reason and without your knowledge of your husband doing so. It's all about risk assessment, and there are some very flawed risk assessors on this page, especially those who don't read the original post properly.

If I WAS mentally unstable, I would be considerably worse now for reading these posts. The people who have private messaged me have made me feel that I was NOT a nutcase, and I will continue to make sure my children are safe in their home....they have plenty of freedom to play out with friends, be with our animals, ride bikes and climb trees so are not "wrapped in cotton wool" by any means.

OP posts:
mysticlogistic · 31/08/2015 22:19

I do genuinely think you need to question yourself a little though. I mean if an 8 year old genuinely isn't capable of opening the front door and knocking next door then what if something was to happen to you when you were at home with them. At that age its perfectly reasonable for them to know and be able to exit the house properly.This is just nuts!

greenwichjelly · 31/08/2015 22:20

Shouting and screaming and ranting in the car when you could cause an accident and jumping out of the car before it's even halted is not normal behaviour, OP.

TeamBacon · 31/08/2015 22:22

OP, you sound normal. I'd go mad at DP if he did this. Mumsnet is fucking random for shit like this, and one thread will go one way, and an almost identical thread can go another.

Your DP is a dickhead, but seems to recognise this at least.

msgrinch · 31/08/2015 22:24

Why post and ask for opinions? Such a drama llama thing to do if you're so sure you're right.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 31/08/2015 22:27

Why ask if you were being unreasonable, if you're just going to throw your toys out of the pram when people said you were? They were left for a few minutes. If you seriously think something was going to spontaneously combust in that time, I suggest you need to sort out your home asap. Otherwise, you need to accept, on some level, you over reacted.

Oh, and for someone who's paranoid about risks - you really should get those windows checked. If there was a fire when you were all in bed asleep, and it spreads as quickly as you say, you're all in a lot of danger anyway, aren't you?

NewLife4Me · 31/08/2015 22:30

I agree with TeamBacon

I'd have gone mad if dh had done this, but he wouldn't as he is a good father.
Maybe this is the straw that broke the camels back for you.
YANBU

AndNowItsSeven · 31/08/2015 22:31

Op it is not illegal to leave an under 12 alone in Scotland. There is no legal age.

TeamBacon · 31/08/2015 22:33

No, but only idiots leave a 6 and 8 year old alone in a house.

BoomBoomsCousin · 31/08/2015 22:42

I think whether you think your 6 and 8 year old are responsible enough to be left alone for 10 minutes when there is an adult they know next door is a matter of parenting style. But a 6 and 8 year old locked in for 10 minutes is dangerous. Not as dangerous as giving someone a bollocking while they are driving though. Shout at him once you are home if you must (it's not that effective, but it's not dangerous then), let people who are driving concentrate on driving.

DylanNells · 31/08/2015 23:14

harrassed ffs really? You think I was saying I would rather us all die together in a blaze of glory? What I am saying is, 'anything could happen' to her at home alone, and 'anything could happen' to me while she's at home alone. Those two things combined are why I do not leave my 10 year old daughter at home alone.

hibbleddible · 31/08/2015 23:24

Op if you want to separate, then do do, but don't use this as an excuse.

He did make an error in judgement, but you are overreacting.

I mean this in the nicest possible way. Do you have issues with anxiety? You do sound very anxious.

DisconcertedAndRetired · 31/08/2015 23:43

The only significant danger was of the children being distressed by waking up to find themselves alone.

It seems for some people thinking about danger involves little more than combining imagination and emotions, others think rationally and quantitatively. Those who worry about houses and cars picking precisely the few minutes no adults are around to spontaneously combust fall into the first group. Assuming he falls into the second group, the husband has no choice but to placate her, as no amount of explaining is going to make her see the world the way he does.

TeamBacon · 31/08/2015 23:55

I think the police might see it slightly differently, if they'd been called to the house for any reason.

Yes, it's unlikely, but it happens, because leaving small children on their own is unacceptable

sykadelic · 01/09/2015 00:50

What he did isn't okay, but you completely over-reacted.

  • Ranting and raving the entire way home (extremely unsafe and distracting for the driver)
  • Jumping out of the car before it had fully stopped (totally unsafe),
  • "going off like a firework" (not something your children need to be hearing)

Your reactions were over the top and not entirely rational reactions. Even now, you're catastrophising and honestly, they are okay. What good is it doing you or them to panic over what "might" have happened? The threat is over, the danger is over. You've told him it's not okay. You've voiced your concern at his lack of forethought. You explain to him the many things that could have happened and why it's a bad idea. Your reactions here are as though they did happen though, your emotional response is not a measured one.

Your emotional state is obviously compromised by you feeling that you don't love your husband anymore and hoping to leave him. You appear to be on edge, looking for "a good reason", which is what you thought you found here.

So to answer your question, yes, YABU to have let it affect you as much as it did, and yes YABU to think this is bad enough to leave someone over. If your marriage was a happy one you wouldn't think this was a leaving offense, at least a rational reaction is not that it's a leaving offense, especially as he apologised and said that he had learnt his lesson etc. He made a stupid mistake that ended up okay, and that's all that matters, that they're okay.

livingzuid · 01/09/2015 01:15

I'd suggest reposting in Relationships op. You will receive advice there that is perhaps more measured and suitable. Aibu has a reputation.

It's not very nice, however, to lay into someone who is clearly having a bad time. Because you are all such perfect people, yes? There's such sanctimonious claptrap on the majority of posts.

Fwiw if either dh or I did that with dd we would also go bezerk at one another. There is no right or wrong when it comes to how you choose to parent. If you feel it was unsafe, then it was unsafe.

I hope you find some more helpful answers

kali110 · 01/09/2015 01:44

You asked for opinions people won't always agree with you.
If you don't want honest answers
Then I wouldn't ask on the internet.
You only seem happy for people to agree with you.
Majority of the people said yes your husband made a mistake, but you overreacted massively.
People are not flawed risk sssessors just because they don't agree with you.
Seems like you just want an excuse to be angry.
If you want to leave him then do it, don't use this as a way of justifying it.
You can't stay just for the kids.

sleeponeday · 01/09/2015 04:51

OP, you sound normal. I'd go mad at DP if he did this. Mumsnet is fucking random for shit like this, and one thread will go one way, and an almost identical thread can go another.

Yep.

mrstweefromtweesville · 01/09/2015 05:07

My dad left me and my brother aged 8 and 4 in the house alone, night after night, lying to me that a neighbour was looking after us (from their own house - I asked the neighbour once and he said he certainly wasn't!).

This was wrong of my father. Absolutely and unforgivably wrong. I still see him now, almost fifty years later, because I am a decent person and he is a widower with no-one else to speak to on a regular basis. He doesn't deserve the attention he gets from me. Children of BPD parents (mother) are often still trying to be 'good' a lifetime later.

I don't think you over-reacted. I think your OH, like my father, is a selfish, uncaring man.

What are you going to do now?

thequickbrownfox · 01/09/2015 05:09

Another AIBU thread where the OP is quite right but folk can't resist piling in en masse to ridicule her. It's nothing more than a form of bullying imo, and there are a few people quite often leading the pack if you read through other threads.

OP, yanbu - your DH was thoughtless and stupid leaving your children locked in an empty house. My nearly 8 year old would have absolutely panicked if she had woken up and there was nobody here, not to mention the catalogue of other things that could have gone wrong.

BathshebaDarkstone · 01/09/2015 05:17

The thing that would have alarmed me was the fact that they were locked in and their dad had the key. As a pp said, what if there had been a fire?

Swipe left for the next trending thread