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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset...husband left children alone, twice, asleep, LOCKED IN!

141 replies

jemama333 · 31/08/2015 11:27

Hi all, I have joined Mumsnet specifically to post in this forum as I am so upset and would welcome your views.

Yesterday evening I was at a meeting, and didn't have the car as we had a drink in the afternoon at a party. While I was there I got a text from home saying "do you want a lift back as I have to pop out to the shop anyway?" I said, ok, thanks, but I think the shop may be shut when I'm finished, and suggested he tried to find out the closing time.

If we need to nip out when the children (very nearly 8, and 6) are in bed, my adult daughter lives next door, and we would usually ask her to come into our house, so I presumed this was what he was going to do.

I didn't hear any more, so texted to ask if was around or should I walk - only 10 minutes walk, didn't mind at all - he said he was outside to give me a lift. On the way back, I asked if he got what he wanted at the shop, and he said he was worried it would have closed so had gone earlier - he had just come for me as a second trip out. I commented that (adult daughter) wouldn't be too happy being asked to come round twice, and he said "oh, she wouldn't come, she has friends round, she said she can hear stuff in our house, I just locked them in." AT WHICH POINT I NEARLY SHOT OUT OF THE CAR WINDOW IN FRIGHT AND STARTED RUNNING.

I start ranting....hurry up, hurry up, I'll ring her and get her to go in - although we were 3 minutes from home by then when he said, "Oh, but I've got the keys with me!" Cue even more frantic ranting and every scenario you can imagine going through my head. He said he left the keys behind on the first occasion but forgot the second time.

I was out of that car before he had pulled down the drive, and in the door - all quiet. He comes in...."see, nothing has gone wrong, you can calm down now" At which point I go off like a firework again, as THAT IS NOT THE POINT!!

By the time we get to bed, I am still fuming, and he was apologising for his "stupid misjudgement" and that he had learnt his lesson etc. I can't forget this. He is normally very good with the children.

I have been thinking about asking him if we can separate for some time now, as I don't love him - there is no physical attraction at all, and I feel we would be better as co-parents who didn't live together. The only thing that stops me is that (as I have a few issues from my childhood) I don't know if there is "something wrong" with me, that might change my feelings if I dealt with the problem. However, after last night.....am I being unreasonable to have let this affect me so badly, and to want to end things NOW?

Would appreciate your advice folks. :(

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/08/2015 13:11

I don't think what he did was particularly bad, there was a trusted adult next door and it was only ten minutes. Your reaction was over the top. People saying anything could have happened - like what?

ChickenTikkaMassala · 31/08/2015 13:17

Your DH made a silly mistake that he has apologized for and your reaction was extremely OTT. There was an adult next door aware that the kids were alone and was keeping an eye out.

If you want to separate then do but don't use this as an excuse.

Gruntfuttock · 31/08/2015 13:21

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight I don't think what he did was particularly bad, there was a trusted adult next door and it was only ten minutes

No it wasn't. It was a 10 minute WALK away, so only a very small fraction of that time in a car.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 31/08/2015 13:23

Like what.
A fire may have broken out. Children were locked in
One of them could have woken up and had an accident
A intruder could have got in
The children could have woke up realised no one was there and became very distressed.
I know all these things are very remote and not likely to happen but no one can argue they could have done

maybebabybee · 31/08/2015 13:24

You completely over-reacted regarding this particular incident. There was a responsible adult next door and the journey was very very short. What did you envisage happening?

Agree this is not an incident to separate over, it sounds like there are much deeper issues in your relationship of which this one is an incredibly minor one.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 31/08/2015 13:27

I have just noticed you have joined us op to put up this thread. Welcome to MN. I just hope you are not put off by the hostile response you have endured from some posters.
For being concerned about your children's welfare. I'll hold my hands up. I am an over protective mum. I won't let the wind blow on mine. X

Sazzle41 · 31/08/2015 13:32

Has the separation thing been festering and this was just the last straw? Sometimes if you are already down or something is coming to a head anyway an incident like this pushes it over the edge/to a conclusion. I think he was wrong but I think you did over react a bit - but, it could be because you are already feeling down/wound up about the relationship. If you don't love him its best your children don't grow up seeing that as their relationship model/you trying to paper over cracks. If you do feel you have other issues maybe counselling will help with those and/or the reasons for separation .

Jw35 · 31/08/2015 13:32

I think your oh made an irresponsible mistake. I think you totally overreacted and could have caused an accident in the car and then what would happen to the dc's?!
It sounds like you have other issues in your relationship? I wouldn't split up with someone who did this and apologised

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 31/08/2015 13:36

I have noticed op has not been back to the thread. I sincerely hope she has not been put off by people's responses telling her she was being OTT.
Only on MN would parent concerned about her children get such a unsympathetic response.

harrasseddotcom · 31/08/2015 13:38

I dont think your dh did anything wrong tbh. I dont get the what if a fire started because equally you could say that what if a car crashed into your car. Surely it is a case of weighing up the risks, and two children fast asleep in their own beds in what i presume is a usually safe house for them alone for a matter of minutes with a next door neighbour keeping an ear out for them is not particularly life threatening. Or a quick check on google says that there is a 1 in 272 chance of dying in car crash as opposed to 1 in 1235 of dying in a house fire. So going by 'risk' your children are actually 5 times safer in their house. Your reaction, well personally i think you have some issues.

Gruntfuttock · 31/08/2015 13:40

The OP's DH must wish he'd let her walk.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 31/08/2015 13:40

Op, I know your new here and all these responses must seem quite harsh, but it would be polite to come back and answer some posts. It sounds like there's a multitude of issues here, the want of separation, some level of anxiety on your part, other problems you haven't mentioned. You must have re-read your opening post and seen how it comes over as an over reaction in your part, given the facts and the way you described what happened?

MammaTJ · 31/08/2015 13:43

You will have less control over his parenting decisions if you do separate.

wickedwaterwitch · 31/08/2015 13:44

Welcome to Mumsnet.

I think these are 2 separate issues:

  1. what he did. Silly but just a misjudgement, not crime of the century. And nothing did happen so all's well that ends well.

  2. Your relationship. If you don't love him then you need to think about what happens next. But I dint think you should connect the two events

Good luck.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 31/08/2015 13:45

My dh has done similar when the children were similar ages. He was out 5-10 min and not in the car, which I think he wouldn't have considered as there are additional accident risks. I wasn't thrilled when I found out about it and told him under no circumstances was he to do it again without prior discussion. (Btw, we started leaving the older one for 20min at a time when he was 9 and this summer I have started leaving the two of them together for perhaps half an hr now and again - they are 10 and nearly 8. It's been fine).

But I agree entirely with those who are saying your reaction was very OTT. It sounds a bit, tbh, as if you were 'punishing' him for your disappointments in your relationship. In fact - tbh - the dynamic of your 'going off like a firework' and his self-castigation reminds me very much of my parents' marriage - my father desperate to please my mother, who was invariably cold and punishing towards him and lost it with him on many occasions. I noticed all this and it made me miserable. If you want to leave, leave - I wish my father had had the guts to go -, but don't perpetuate a destructive dynamic. Of course this may be the only time you have behaved like this, and I may be projecting, but your description of what happened and your unforgiving stance towards him rings very uncomfortable bells for me, and in case this is a repeated scenario it is worth thinking about the potential effects on your dc.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 31/08/2015 13:46

I live, don't be a bloody martyr. In an ideal world we could keep an eye on kids 24/7, but popping to the shops with children that age, not the crime of the century. The chances of something happening in those few minutes is minuet, especially with an aware adult next door. Heck, when I grew up, I lived next door to my grandparents, I was often left alone when my mum went to the shop, as I was sensible enough to know what to do if the house just happened to combust the second an adult stepped out the door Hmm. Nothing bad ever did happened.

BrandNewAndImproved · 31/08/2015 13:48

Lighthouse there was an adult next door who knew they were alone, he did mean to leave the keys and forgot. The worst thing he did was lock them in and if that had happened to me I wouldn't of had a headfit in the car about it.

Topseyt · 31/08/2015 13:49

He was irresponsible and silly. You were OTT. You were both as bad as each other there.

quicklydecides · 31/08/2015 13:54

I would occasionally leave similar age children in just those circumstances.
So I don't think your husband was negligent at all actually.

Having said that, you are of course entitled to have a different opinion to your husband, that's normal life.

But your reaction was not in keeping with the situation.

I suspect that if you talk to us about what's really going on for you then we might be able to help you.
Good luck with whatever you decide about your marriage.

MaddyinaPaddy · 31/08/2015 14:00

I not getting why he did anything wrong.. Do you never go down the garden when your kids are asleep in bed to cut the grass or bring the washing in .the kids are not babies they know their big sis is next door. Too many hysterical people on Mn!!!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/08/2015 14:04

I really don't believe in living your life in constant fear of things that will probably never happen
We take calculated risks all the time, it's impossible to eradicate risk. I think modern parents feel they can if they only try hard enough and imagine every possible scenario but I think that's a very unhealthy way to live.
As pp said you are 5x more likely to kill your kids by driving them to the shops than by leaving them in a house that subsequently burns down, but the house burning down is considered the most risky option.

GoogleBoggle · 31/08/2015 14:11

Welcome to Mumsnet. You have to develop a very thick skin regarding the keyboard warriors around here. Try to pick out the genuinely kind pieces of advice. There is more bluster than kindness here but there are some really genuinely lovely people and it's worth sticking around and reading their advice, if you can let all the other nonsense wash over you like I do.

I think your reaction was fine to small children being locked in a house alone at night. I think your husband was horribly irresponsible and I'd worry a bit about his state of mind that he could really just go out and leave two small kids twice in one night.

Pneumometer · 31/08/2015 14:21

It would be interesting to perform a risk analysis as to which has the higher chance of death or injury:

  1. A child remaining locked in a house (assuming no-one has left cigarettes burning or stripped the insulation off the wiring)
  1. A child being loaded into a car, driven around for a bit, and then unloaded (assuming a sober driver, a child seat and a modern car).

I sometimes get the impression that MN commenters live in extraordinarily flammable houses, given the fear of houses spontaneously combusting on sunny afternoons.

maybebabybee · 31/08/2015 14:25

Pneumometer I was thinking the same thing!

harrasseddotcom · 31/08/2015 14:50

Death by car accident has a much higher risk of happening. Which is why i dont all the hysterics about leaving two sleeping children alone in their beds for 5 mins. Id understand if they were awake and running about or fighting with each other. But in their beds asleep? I sit out in my garden all the time whilst my ds in asleep in his bed. I dont panic that the house will go on fire and that I wont get to them in time. I have actually been known to sit in the garden whilst my ds is awake and in the house alone.

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