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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset...husband left children alone, twice, asleep, LOCKED IN!

141 replies

jemama333 · 31/08/2015 11:27

Hi all, I have joined Mumsnet specifically to post in this forum as I am so upset and would welcome your views.

Yesterday evening I was at a meeting, and didn't have the car as we had a drink in the afternoon at a party. While I was there I got a text from home saying "do you want a lift back as I have to pop out to the shop anyway?" I said, ok, thanks, but I think the shop may be shut when I'm finished, and suggested he tried to find out the closing time.

If we need to nip out when the children (very nearly 8, and 6) are in bed, my adult daughter lives next door, and we would usually ask her to come into our house, so I presumed this was what he was going to do.

I didn't hear any more, so texted to ask if was around or should I walk - only 10 minutes walk, didn't mind at all - he said he was outside to give me a lift. On the way back, I asked if he got what he wanted at the shop, and he said he was worried it would have closed so had gone earlier - he had just come for me as a second trip out. I commented that (adult daughter) wouldn't be too happy being asked to come round twice, and he said "oh, she wouldn't come, she has friends round, she said she can hear stuff in our house, I just locked them in." AT WHICH POINT I NEARLY SHOT OUT OF THE CAR WINDOW IN FRIGHT AND STARTED RUNNING.

I start ranting....hurry up, hurry up, I'll ring her and get her to go in - although we were 3 minutes from home by then when he said, "Oh, but I've got the keys with me!" Cue even more frantic ranting and every scenario you can imagine going through my head. He said he left the keys behind on the first occasion but forgot the second time.

I was out of that car before he had pulled down the drive, and in the door - all quiet. He comes in...."see, nothing has gone wrong, you can calm down now" At which point I go off like a firework again, as THAT IS NOT THE POINT!!

By the time we get to bed, I am still fuming, and he was apologising for his "stupid misjudgement" and that he had learnt his lesson etc. I can't forget this. He is normally very good with the children.

I have been thinking about asking him if we can separate for some time now, as I don't love him - there is no physical attraction at all, and I feel we would be better as co-parents who didn't live together. The only thing that stops me is that (as I have a few issues from my childhood) I don't know if there is "something wrong" with me, that might change my feelings if I dealt with the problem. However, after last night.....am I being unreasonable to have let this affect me so badly, and to want to end things NOW?

Would appreciate your advice folks. :(

OP posts:
MiscellaneousAssortment · 31/08/2015 15:15

Oh dear, you're probably hiding from the reaction to your post!

Clearly you have relationship issues beyond that one event which is colouring your judgement. And that's ok as long as you realise that this is a sign that you can't go on as you are.

Putting myself in your shoes, I think id be upset as I wouldn't be able to rely on my partner making the right decisions or making decisions in the way I would just assume anyone sensible would have made them.

Not that he was terribly wrong in leaving them, he was wrong in my opinion, especially the locking them in bit, but as the variety of responses suggests, it's not completely clear cut.

But why didn't he mention it rather than let you believe something dofferent was happening. And why did he do it twice? The whole thing just feels a bit off kilter somehow.

I think you have bigger things to sort out and I hope you work everything out in the best way for all concerned. Good luck.

notquitehuman · 31/08/2015 15:24

If you do decide to separate, please don't make your DH think it's because of this. I can't imagine how painful it'd be from his perspective to think that one silly error had caused him to lose his wife. Painting him as the bad guy isn't going to make a divorce any easier.

kali110 · 31/08/2015 15:25

Look op posted here and wanted honest answers and thats all people have done.
I don't think op you are happy in your relationship, if you want to break up do it but don't use this an excuse to do it.
He misjudged the situation but you massively overreacted.
By sounds of it the kids weren't left very long and there was an adult next door.
I wouldn't leave my children at that age over night but would if they were few years older for a little time.

whattodohatethis · 31/08/2015 16:06

Answering the question that the OP asked with an honest opinion is not being a keyboard warrior.
I don't feel a thick skin is needed for the responses on this thread

greenwichjelly · 31/08/2015 16:08

He made a mistake, but christ alive, you actually sound mentally unstable.

Branleuse · 31/08/2015 16:16

mentally unstable and abusive.

You might not love the guy or be attracted to him anymore, but it doesnt give you the right to rant at him like hes a piece of shit on your shoe

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/08/2015 16:20

Given how far apart your parenting styles are have you considered how you will deal with him having the kids for access after you split?

CrapBag · 31/08/2015 16:35

Mentally unstable and abusive. FFS people this is an actual person you are talking to. Wind your necks in. Disgusting replies! Angry

OP, if you are still here, and I wouldn't blame you in the slightest if you don't bother with this thread again after some of the replies, YANBU. So what if your DD knew to listen out for them, she wouldn't have been able to here everything next door particularly if she had friends over, and she wouldn't have been able to get in anyway so even if she did hear something (as many posters seem pretty fixated on) she couldn't have done fuck all anyway.

If you don't love him, leave him anyway, it's not worth staying in the relationship. In this situation I may have reacted in a similar way, maybe slightly less so, it when people have anxiety, you can help overreacting to stuff. Clearly some posters have never had the misfortune to get over anxious, it's not a nice feeling especially when you have to live with it every day. I get very very anxious wrt the DCs so I get where you are coming from but even if I didn't, this wasn't acceptable for him to do.

KevinAndMe · 31/08/2015 16:46

My issue isn't that he left the dcs alone at home but the fact they didn't know he was gone.
I do lock the door when I leave the dcs too but they also know how to get out by the back door (and dc1 now has a key of the front door anyway).

The issue here isn't that much what has happened with the dcs but the fact you are and have been thinking about leaving him. Apart from the lack of physical attraction, what else is going on? Often the lack of attraction is linked with other problems in the relationship. So it's a symptom rather than an issue in its own right iyswim.

Original poster
jemama333 · 31/08/2015 19:31

I've only just now got home and on the internet. I'm a bit taken aback. I am amazed so many people think what happened last night was ok.

I don't think shouting at my husband was ridiculous when you realise that the relative listening out for them can't actually hear anything, even though she said she could. She is 19, and was in a house full of friends. She had no key to get in even if she noticed a problem. The children were locked in, and so unable to get out of the house if they woke up and needed something (on the second occasion)

When they are awake, they are of course able to find me if I am talking to their big sister, or am hanging the washing out etc. At night, if waking up, they would be very alarmed to find the there was nobody in the house.

I am quite shocked, also, at the lack of fire safety knowledge amongst Mumsnet users on here....do you know that a small electrical fault can ignite items that will lead to poisonous fumes and smoke within a couple of minutes of it happening? Maybe being ex-fire service has made me over-cautious, but better that than burnt.

However, some of you are correct in saying that, although this may have made me realise I need to do something about us separating, the incident itself shouldn't be the cause, and I will have a think about what to do.

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 31/08/2015 19:59

I would not have been pleased in your shoes OP,neither myself or DH would ever leave the children alone in a locked house at night.

It's just not worth the risk.There's been 3 really serious house fires in the road we live in over the years.2 of those house fires were caused by young children,one dure in the day and one in the middle of the night.

Both houses were completely gutted by the fires,everyone inside the houses got out but they all had to be taken to hospital.

ConfusedInBath · 31/08/2015 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DylanNells · 31/08/2015 20:11

My dd (10) is very sensible and would be fine in her own if I popped to the shops. However, to pop to the shops I need to drive (to go anywhere I need to drive) and as pp have said getting in a car is dangerous. They were saying that to argue that the children were safer at home than being dragged out in the car, but my point is that the thought of something happening to me out in the car, while dd is at home on her own, is just unimaginable.

Getting hysterical about it hardly helped, and talking of splitting over this is ott, but your husband was in the wrong. He does know this now, though, and has apologised. Your problems clearly run deeper than this, and you're using this as an excuse, imo.

lighteningirl · 31/08/2015 20:22

How could 'anything have happened' left alone well only just there was a responsible adult next door who I am betting has a key,so fire floor outbreak of plague screaming banging all quickly dealt with it was wrong but to be fair not majorly and not deserving of your very ott reaction. If you have decided to dump your dh and the father of your dc face it tell him/deal with things/go to therapy but don't make up excuses be honest and stop casting yourself as a saint and him as a devil your dc deserve better from both of you

Original poster
jemama333 · 31/08/2015 20:39

She had no key, the second time he went out for a non-essential reason, and wouldn't have been able to hear a thing in any case. Visualise your puzzled children wondering where everyone is, rattling the door handle and being unable to attract attention to deal with whatever it is that is worrying them....and then see if you think it is fair to tell me again that I was wrong to be shocked and have a go at him?

OP posts:
Original poster
jemama333 · 31/08/2015 20:39

....and thank you, to those who DO understand

OP posts:
harrasseddotcom · 31/08/2015 20:56

They were saying that to argue that the children were safer at home than being dragged out in the car, but my point is that the thought of something happening to me out in the car, while dd is at home on her own, is just unimaginable.

But surely if your daughter was in the car with you then whatever bad happening (like another car crashing into you) is going to happen to her too. Are you saying that you would rather your daughter was perhaps seriously injured in a car crash with you than be relatively safer tucked up at home alone is that unimaginable? I just can get my head round that!

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 31/08/2015 21:06

there was a responsible adult next door who I am betting has a key

Did you even try to read the OP's posts?

Original poster
jemama333 · 31/08/2015 21:15

I'm not sure if the question above is directed at me? He went out in the car twice, and something could have happened to him in doing so...my (adult daughter) next door would never notice that he hadn't reappeared, and so that is why I don't think he should have gone on two non essential car journeys while the children were fast asleep and unaware they had been left alone. I never suggested taking them.

OP posts:
harrasseddotcom · 31/08/2015 21:22

no it was directed at dylan.

BrandNewAndImproved · 31/08/2015 21:27

You and you husband obviously have different parenting styles. Some here will agree with you and some with your husband.

You have to admit over reacting by screaming at him whilst he was driving was idiotic. You could of caused a serious crash injuring yourself and others.

mysticlogistic · 31/08/2015 21:37

I second everybody that said you're reaction is wayyyyyyyyy over the top.

I mean, I have anxiety a baby and a toddler. And from reading the title and getting through first few lines, I thought fuck, What if the baby rolls over or climbs out of cot or puts fingers in socket or .. well you know. Those scenarios. Theres a fire and can't escape blah blah blah.

But 8 and 6? Really? I know its wrong that he did it but you're reaction is way way way over the top. At 8 your child will understand to call 999, to open a window or door, to knock next door for help. Its not great, but its definitely not what you're making it out to be. And I am an over the top safety conscious mum.

Original poster
jemama333 · 31/08/2015 21:38

When you discover something that shocks you, is very upsetting, and you are powerless to resolve it at that particular moment, I would bet you'd also have a hard time holding your tongue until the car was stationary (and I never once said I was screaming)

OP posts:
maybebabybee · 31/08/2015 21:43

You said you 'went off like a firework' Hmm

Why post in AIBU if you're so certain you were being reasonable?

DotForShort · 31/08/2015 21:46

I do think you overreacted. It sounds as though you might be focusing on this incident as a justification for leaving your DH. But of course, you don't need to justify yourself if you want to separate. It's not necessary to imagine an electrical fire or some other unlikely scenario.

I don't understand this bit from the OP:

The only thing that stops me is that (as I have a few issues from my childhood) I don't know if there is "something wrong" with me, that might change my feelings if I dealt with the problem.

What do you mean by this?

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