Is my 8 Year old DD Bad Mannered?

[suchafuss]

She is a very quiet and sensitive and when in company hardly says a word unless she knows the people well. School say that she is lively and engages and has a great vocabulary, but she can tend to be a bit dreamy at times. However when it comes to manners I do have to remind her every time. Friends have said that when she is with them she is well behaved and polite and I never have any concerns with her behaviour.

So this weekend my DN's returned from spending the weekend with her GP's and announced that my step mother had said in front of the rest of the grand kids that 'Mary has no manners'. My daughter is devastated and when I asked her why I have to remind her she said that its because she is shy and that sometimes she forgets.

My husband seems to think that its because she is an oc but I am worried that this has caused her so much upset. FWIW she sees my parents very rarely and now says she doesn't want to see them at all.

Does anyone else have similar experiences and AIBU to think my stepmom should feck off when she sees her about 4 times a year?

A PP above suggested that shy or selectively mute children don't tend to have many friends. Actually my DS has lots of friends. A few weeks into joining reception a couple of them almost took him under their wing, helping him to get what he needed by a bit of trial and error and him eventually talking to them. He has gradually widened his circle of friends - quite frankly most of the boys are happy to be friends with someone who will play football with them even if he won't talk. And now he talks to them if not in earshot of someone he doesn't talk to, and they relay messages to the teacher etc.

I was amazed at actually how empathetic 4 and 5 year olds were! As far as I aware the only child in his class who struggles to understand is the one with ADHD and other issues, and that is completely understandable. Whereas adults are much less understanding - a lot of them, including some family, think it's just shyness that he will grow out of and/or rudeness and don't understand how much effort he and we have had to make to get to where we now are. I found out recently that some people I have chatted to quite a lot about it thought that "he doesn't talk to his teacher" meant he didn't chat to them not that in four years of school he has never answered a question, never answered the register, never hold the cooks what he wants to eat, etc. And then they accuse children of not understanding...

That's true. My very shy ds3 is apparently (according to teachers) popular. And I have come across many children who are fascinated by non-verbal ds1. Quite a few mothering types as well. A few children can't cope with him but they tend to be the minority (he's big now - so this is more thinking back).

You can win. I said please and thank you very often as a child, as an adult I've been pulled up for sayingit too often.
Remind dc to say pleas and thank you publicly and the other person is stood there saying ohh it doesn't matter.

I think they are still learning at 8. I have 2 who it comes to very easily and a third who it doesn't. By the 3rd one is the most considerate of them all. We keep plodding. As for sgm some people like to make themselves feel superior. There are better ways to make the point without trampling on confidence.

Agreed Florrie we refer to it as her 'chopping down the tall flowers' as she has grandkids of her own who she is always quick to praise and yet can't resist pointing out what she sees as faults in her step grandkids!