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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my 8 Year old DD Bad Mannered?

129 replies

suchafuss · 30/08/2015 19:34

She is a very quiet and sensitive and when in company hardly says a word unless she knows the people well. School say that she is lively and engages and has a great vocabulary, but she can tend to be a bit dreamy at times. However when it comes to manners I do have to remind her every time. Friends have said that when she is with them she is well behaved and polite and I never have any concerns with her behaviour.

So this weekend my DN's returned from spending the weekend with her GP's and announced that my step mother had said in front of the rest of the grand kids that 'Mary has no manners'. My daughter is devastated and when I asked her why I have to remind her she said that its because she is shy and that sometimes she forgets.

My husband seems to think that its because she is an oc but I am worried that this has caused her so much upset. FWIW she sees my parents very rarely and now says she doesn't want to see them at all.

Does anyone else have similar experiences and AIBU to think my stepmom should feck off when she sees her about 4 times a year?

OP posts:
AuntyMag10 · 30/08/2015 20:46

Given that you've been at time embarrassed yourself by this issue as you've stated, I didn't think your SM made a remark that was so false.

whattodohatethis · 30/08/2015 20:55

Unkind of it to be pointed out, but yes, it is rude.
My 6 year old hardly ever forgets to say please and thank you. I would definitely find it rude for an older child not to bother, even if they are shy

WorraLiberty · 30/08/2015 20:57

She's 8 years old

She didn't use her manners and has form for not doing so

Your SM pointed out that she has no manners

Now she's devastated and doesn't want to visit any more?

Bit of an over reaction even for an 8yr old whose been pulled up about something by an adult.

I'm sure she'll get over it eventually, and will probably remember her manners because of it.

AuntyMag10 · 30/08/2015 20:58

Ok Worra said it much better but all the SM did was point out something that's true. And most likely she will now remember it.

Andro · 30/08/2015 20:59

but she is so insensitive that there really is no point in raising it with her.

Who is insensitive? If it's your stepmother then it is possible that an already difficult situation is being made worse by a lack of awareness of social anxiety. A child who freezes in social situations and who's mind goes blank until prompted, is not going to relax around a person who addresses the problem by means of a public dressing down.

I put a lot of emphasis on good manners, but an anxious child needs support not embarrassment.

thinkingmakesitso · 30/08/2015 21:02

Yes, because we all know that whenever another person, tactlessly, points out something negative about ourselves, we all take it happily on the chin, learn the error of our ways and go on to never make the same mistake again. Happens all the time Hmm.

scatterthenuns · 30/08/2015 21:06

Do we actually know what and how the SM actually said?

Because OP's only source is a presumedly young DN who is probably an unreliable reporter, like most children.

Paddingtonsmarmaladesandwiches · 30/08/2015 21:08

Since manners are social conventions which are actually intended to make people comfortable than I think the Step Mother was incredresibly ill mannered herself. Definitely something to work on with your daughter if it is making her feel bad and it probably will make her feel and be less conspicuous.

Bunnyjo · 30/08/2015 21:25

As a mother of an 8yo DD, I would be bloody embarrassed if I had to remind her about her manners every time. In fact, I would be embarrassed if I had to remind her at all.

Blaming the lack of manners on shyness is just an excuse and I really feel you ought to have tackled this more robustly before now.

If your DNs are reliably reporting what actually happened, then your SM was being rather crass. However, I do think that is a bit of a smokescreen for the actual problem, which is your DD's lack of manners.

Original poster
suchafuss · 30/08/2015 21:39

Not an excuse at all from me, DD tried to use it as an excuse and thats why i mentioned it. Andro you hit the nail on the head, noproblem in it being said to me, only it wasn't, it was said to others and instead was said to highlight what she sees as my daughters failings.

OP posts:
Original poster
suchafuss · 30/08/2015 21:41

Yes DN's were realiable, same story from a very sensible 10 year old and a gleeful 7 year old.

OP posts:
MiscellaneousAssortment · 30/08/2015 21:42

I was achingly shy all through primary school, and even getting out a yes or no was so awfully hard, each word was like torture and I was just waiting for the inevitable 'what did she say? Speak up! I can't hear her, make her speak louder...' Which often ended up with me crying.

Under those circumstances I can imagine that the fear of speaking, or saying the wrong thing / not saying please etc would seriously add to the pressure. I wish my parents had actually helped me rather than being disgusted and leaving me to it. Grrr.

If she's less shy than that, then she could probably cope a bit more with some encouragement and reward done privately and in a no pressure but firmly way.

By that I mean stars/ rewards etc for remembering, but still sticking to the public 'pleeease' and 'thankyou' reminders at the time as usual, but in a calm and no fuss way.

And yes of course it's not ok for grown ups to criticise children in front of others in that way. It's not effective in any case, nor is it polite!

EauPea · 30/08/2015 21:43

But the sm bitched about "Mary" pointed out the bad manners to the other grandchildren, Op's Dd wasn't even there!

missymayhemsmum · 30/08/2015 21:46

Sounds like your DD is shy and quiet which to people who don't know her well can come across as bad mannered. Mine too (also 8). Goes all rabbit in the headlights if she is uncomfortable with someone, when people ask her difficult questions like 'would you like orange or apple juice?' Winds her Nana up no end when she can't find her voice to answer a question or say please and thank you, or speaks in such a quiet little voice that a hard of hearing grandparent can't make out what is said. And being told off just makes it worse.
Yup, your DD has form for being shy and ill at ease with grown ups she doesn't know well. Does your DSM have form for being a judgemental old battleaxe?

Flomple · 30/08/2015 21:49

was it pleases, or was it thank yous, or something else like interrupting others?

Lack of thank yous I could understand in a shy child, but "please may I..." should be automatic by 8 and is no harder to say than "can I...".

Original poster
suchafuss · 30/08/2015 21:51

Totally judgemental. Set up a savings account for her grand son and when he didn't behave in a way she deemed acceptable gave it all to his sister!

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 30/08/2015 21:51

Just to point out that you don't act actually know what was said, in what tone, to whom. There is a big difference between an exasperated "Mary you have no manners" to your dd after the umpteenth time she's forgotten to say thank you and a disdainful "Mary has no manners" pronounced to all and sundry.

But, at the end of the day, your dd is old enough to understand that she will be judged by her behaviour and that, if she's rude, people will think her rude . No matter how shy you are (and I was excruciatingly shy as a child and teen) you need to be able to acknowledge people's greetings, say goodbye to them and say please and thank you.

DoJo · 30/08/2015 21:54

Sounds like your DD is shy and quiet which to people who don't know her well can come across as bad mannered.

But the OP says that her daughter always needs reminding of manners, which suggests to me that she is not just forgetting them through shyness, which means that the missing manners and the behaviour of the wicked step-mother aren't entirely interconnected.

mathanxiety · 30/08/2015 21:55

My DD1 was like this to some extent and had to be trained and rehearsed in order to respond to people who greeted her, when she was between 6 and 7. Rehearsal was key, just so that she knew a few stock phrases to throw back in response to questions about school, etc. Even 'How are you?' used to throw her until she knew to respond with 'Fine, thanks' and smile at the same time to appear friendly.

At 8 I think a child really needs to be trained in these niceties, before they start getting all introspective in the pre teen years and when they are still receptive to training. Don't leave it too late, so the paralysing shyness won't become ingrained, and she will learn to appreciate her voice.

TheFairyCaravan · 30/08/2015 21:56

My DN was "shy" and would forget her pleases and thank yous. IMO she was down right rude. I can remember handing her a Christmas present, her taking it, opening it and not saying a word. My mother said "leave it, she's shy!" Hmm Like hell was she, she was bloody rude (still is at 20) and was allowed to get away with it.

An 8 yo shouldn't need reminding every time to say please and thank you. People are going to think she's rude.

mathanxiety · 30/08/2015 21:59

I think the SM was incredibly rude (and it seems she has other 'quirks' too Hmm) but at the same time your DD can be helped with the sort of help that will smooth her way immensely. First impressions are important (you don't have to tell her that of course).

Sazzle41 · 30/08/2015 22:10

Speaking as a terribly shy child when i was growing up, I would make extra sure she 'gets' and does the social skills thing of please/thankyou. eye contact and smiling on greeting & other social skils etc. I didnt get this and it really didnt help, I just shrank into my shyness more and I often got people calling me rude which in turn made me shrink/turn inwards more.

HoursTurnIntoDays · 30/08/2015 22:10

As long as an 8 year old was relatively nice and kind I really would not care if they had to be reminded to say please and thank you.

So if a child said to me 'can I have a drink? in a nice tone I would be ok with that. Saying 'please' would be a bonus if they remembered. If they barked at me or shouted at me to get them a drink then id ask them to ask again nicely.

As long as the parent is reminding them about please and thank you they'll get there in the end.

WorraLiberty · 30/08/2015 22:13

The shyness has to be a red herring surely?

She's not going to be shy of her parents and yet the OP still has to keep on reminding her to use her manners at home, despite the fact she'll be just about starting her second year in Junior school.

Lurkedforever1 · 30/08/2015 22:13

It's not constructive for posters to be saying it's not really rude if its shyness. It is. Reverse it to a confident extrovert dc talking over others and interupting, would anyone be defending it as something they couldn't help? Or saying they shouldn't be reminded to keep their voice down? I doubt it.
The step mum seems to have a valid point, but bitching to other kids isn't constructive or necessary. It should have been mentioned to op, or if she just wanted a private moan to ops dad or similar. Not said to other kids when neither op or her dd are even there.
My dd had a really obnoxious friend for a short spell, and I'll admit I bitched a lot talked about the parents to my best friend. Never crossed my mind to tell dds other friends what I thought about it.