To ask why people hate fussy eaters?

[StarlingMurmuration]

I can see why people might find it annoying if they've invited a fussy eater to dinner and he or she won't eat anything that's been prepared, but why does it seem to annoy people otherwise, if they're unaffected? I've often seen it said on MN that being a picky eater is "attention seeking", is that what many people think?

Full disclaimer: I have a lot of issues with the texture or smell of certain foods, and have done since I was a child. I'm a lot better now (e.g. up til my late 20s I couldn't bear things with sauce on them, and I had to separate all my food out, I couldn't take a mixed bite of things like veg AND meat) and now I'm always willing to try something new but there are certain things I can't eat without heaving, so I refuse to attempt them. I still find eating at people's houses quite stressful because I worry they'll serve something I don't like, and even eating in restaurants can be hard work because there's often only one or at the most two things I fancy on the menu. I swear it's not attention-seeking - I hate people noticing when I don't clear my plate, or commenting on my fussiness. I'd love to feel able to eat anything, it would make my life so much easier.

"As for going out, I stand by my original post. People who don't like food suck the joy out of going out for dinner."
That's the thing though - as a general rule I love food (as evidenced by the size of my arse) even though there may be only a few things on the menu that I can eat, and I genuinely love going out to eat with people I like and whose company I enjoy. The real problem, for me, comes if my dinner companions are going to make me feel badly about what I am or am not eating. It sucks the joy out of it for both of us. I have to wonder why does it worry them so much?

My dream though is someone saying, after that, "if it's not quite right for you and there's anything you can't eat on the night, please don't worry about saying so and only eating what you can, we won't be at all offended". That single statement would probably make me your best friend for life! The chances are nine times out of ten I'd still eat every single thing offered, and I would always try, but just knowing that I wasn't going to be pressured would be wonderful.

I'm not going to say that, sorry. That's what my DS would like me to do - apologise every single time I take him to a restaurant and he doesn't like the chips or the bread tastes funny. So that's another £5-10 down the drain.

It's endlessly frustrating and wearing and really, really annoying to constantly make/buy food for someone who won't eat it. If you came to my house, I'd rather you just brought your own food or said 'I have quite severe food issues. Could I have Warburton's wholemeal, anchor butter and davidstow cheddar please? If you don't have any in, I'll bring some because I wouldn't want to put you to any trouble.' I would be very unhappy if I'd designed my entire menu around your specific requirements and you refused to eat it because it wasn't quite right. And patting you on the head for trying would make me feel really patronising.

Oh we can't win OP.

On all of these threads we just can't win.

If we go along because we want to see our friends we are spoiling their fun.

If we offer to bring our own food we are rude.

If we decline an invite we are guilt tripping people.

We are also attention seekers.

If we tell a host what we can and can't eat we are rude.

If we don't tell a host what we can't eat we are rude.

If we don't eat someone's food we are rude, but if we gag on it we are even ruder.

Thankfully IRL people who actually care about me are willing to compromise and understand.

So I second your question.. what are we supposed to do?

Yes, I am fussy but I bloody love food and eating out with a passion.

Starling - to be honest, I'd rather you said 'thanks but no thanks, I hate eating out.' Or say that you need to get home. I have lots of friends with all sorts of phobias, including ones who I have never actually seen eat. I'm sure they do eat, because they're not dead, but I'm assuming there's some reason they don't eat when everyone else does. So if it's a pub where there's food, they don't eat. If it's going to a restaurant, they either don't come or leave at that point. Then no one is uncomfortable.

hackmum - meant to say earlier - if you do have dyspraxia/spd, then you won't have grown out of it but you will have developed coping strategies. It doesn't go away but I'm pleased to hear you've had success in working around it. The Dyspraxia Foundation are holding a conference for adults with dyspraxia this autumn in Nottingham if you're interested :)

U2 - I think your approach is perfect

baltimore your SIL sounds like my cousin's XBF. He's Italian and had us all traipsing round Brighton looking for somewhere that he would eat, we ended up in an Italian restaurant! If you'll only eat Italian food, why did you ever leave, dickwad?

I haven't read the whole thread, but I am an extremely fussy eater and I have never found anyone having a problem with it. Like you, I have issues with textures as well as whole categories of things I won't eat. I have worked hard on it and am a lot better, but still very restricted.

Funnily enough, I wasn't that bad as a child. Or maybe not as bad as my sister, so no one noticed. I did eat a limited diet, but so did we all at home. My issues definitely became much, much worse as a teenager following a couple of illnesses where foods I had eaten previously made me very sick, and I have never recovered.

It's an absolutely royal PITA for me, and I would not wish it on anyone. So I've worked hard to make sure dc have it as little as possible.

It's been a crazy amount of work, but by offering them lots and lots of variety every meal, and presenting the same foods cooked in many different ways (so giving different textures and flavours for the same foods) there is now very little (practically nothing) they won't eat.

I'm rather proud of that.

I mentioned a friend of mine who has a very restricted diet. It isn't hard these days to find something you can eat in most restaurants even for the fussiest of the fussy. If my friend can do it, with a list of restrictions as long as your arm, I would imagine most people could do the same. Honestly, it isn't rocket surgery.

I think there needs to be a mix of all approaches too.

And the understanding that no, you can't win. Nobody can, because it isn't a problem with a solution (because the only solution would be for it not to exist). It is frustrating or irritating to have food issues, fussiness, allergies, any of that, and that's just how it is - this thread has pointed out some of the reasons why it is. But understanding why isn't going to change that, in the same way that there are lots of unchangeable things about me and other difficulties I might have that are irritating or frustrating to me or others around me. I, too, wish they weren't there. I accept that they are annoying to me and to others, and through a variety of approaches, hope that I come to the best compromise. Won't make it go away though.

And I think fussy eating is probably similar, if perhaps less obvious than some difficulties. There probably isn't anything anyone can do that would actually make it not at all irritating. It doesn't mean people won't still choose to go out for meals with someone or be friends with them; there are more and less polite ways of dealing with it; there are people who understand and people who think it's all about martyrdom and attention seeking. You can have all that, and still have it be irritating.

So, Lynda, you are in fact saying you just want us to stay out of sight because we make you uncomfortable. People with sensory issues that lead them to have trouble eating certain things should stay out of the way - so you don't have to feel unhappy. Ok then. Can you really not see how unreasonable that is? Would it be acceptable to say that about any other condition?

Glad my friends are more tolerant.

Spartans, please take note. "Fussy eaters should either not come or leave early" - except of course that leaving is also odd.

Maybe the solution is for people to be a little more tolerant, RunAway.

op what? Take note of ???? One persons opinion?

Op what about when you have been tolerant, but the fussy person insists on doing everything their own way everytime. Or ruining evenings when they don't get their own way.

Personally making excuses to leave isn't rude, imo. It's what I do, no one has taken issue with it.

yes, that is part of what is meant by people being understanding and willing to compromise. It isn't going to change the situation, though. People might be very tolerant towards some of my difficulties doing certain things; it doesn't change the fact that it is frustrating or irritating, though, and that life would be easier for us both if I didn't have them. And I can accept that - in that way, at least, I am going to be irritating. I hope that other aspects of me will make up for it, and will mean that they will in fact be willing to compromise and accommodate. The only way for it not to objectively be a nuisance, though, would be for the problem not to be there in the first place. And it is. Similar thing with fussy eaters. Understanding and tolerance are indeed good.

You said, "No-one has suggested you should stay home" - well, actually several posters had already suggested that when you posted, and here's another.

But that's just rudeness in general - anyone always wanting their own way is rude. It's not necessarily because they're a fussy eater.

Starling - if you'd read all my posts, that's not what I've said at all. I live with someone with severe eating/sensory issues every single day of my life. I adore him but of all of his issues, this is the one that has the most impact on our lives - because pleasure in food is something that 99% of people participate in. If you don't take pleasure in food, don't eat out. I don't like roller coaster, I don't go to theme parks. I don't like heights so I don't go mountain climbing.

But aren't most people quite tolerant?

Yes, there are some people here ranting, but mostly they seem to be ranting about a particular person that gets on their goat for attention seeking, rather than food fussiness (even though they use food fussiness as an excuse).

I have had Indian friends cook for me without onions, garlic or anything hot - it was delicious and I really appreciated their consideration, though I would have happily eaten just nan bread or plain rice, as I usually do in indian restaurants.

I have had friends set aside the salmon en croute they had prepared and get me some bread and cheese when they realised I would have trouble with it, even though I would have happily just eaten the salad.

I have had people tell the waiter at posh French restaurants that I don't eat foie gras and to please take it away and bring me something else, even though I would have just happily given it to dh to eat and skipped that course.

I have had a don at formal hall arrange for me to have a vegetarian meal in the middle of the meal, when I declined the fish even though I am not a vegetarian, even though there were other courses coming and I would have been fine just with them.

No one has ever, ever, told me to get over myself, or huffed and puffed, or anything else.

I just eat whatever I can, and if that is nothing I will just have the bread. It won't kill me!

Triple post, argh! As I've said, I can now eat at most places. But it doesn't mean that it is always easy for me, and I do try to make sure that it doesn't always go my way... But even my attempts to do this have been seen by some posters as rude.

Lynda I do take pleasure in food. I take extreme pleasure in it, in fact, and spend several hours a day preparing it, eating it or reading about it (I love reading recipes). For many years eating out at fancy restaurants was dh and my main form of entertainment (those were the days! pre dc of course).

I just have many things I can't eat. I enjoy all the others, and I enjoy adapting recipes to things I can actually eat. I even enjoy preparing things I can't eat for others.

That's exactly what you said, Lynda. You'd rather I said I don't like eating out or that's need to get home. Nether of those would be true, though. They'd just be polite lies to avoid making you feel uncomfortable. I love eating out, I just can't eat certain foods.

I don't care - providing I don't have to listen to them banging on about how disgusting my choice of food is!
My work colleague isn't so much fussy as hasn't tried much, and is reluctant to buy say a punnet of berries and waste them if she doesn't like them
Now she tries whatever I bring in. If she doesn't like it she spits it out (obviously politely and not just on the floor!!!!) because I said look if you don't like it you don't even have to swallow it. She's found she likes a lot more stuff now and sometimes asks me what things taste like and could she try some - no bother at all

I actually posted that while the other poster was writing tbh.

However please read her posts. That is her experience and how she handles it. And as you can eat most of the time, it doesn't apply to you.

The friend I am referring to is actually lovely. Apart from when it comes to eating out and is not rude in general. That's the point , that some people eating habits become the be all and end all of every meal out....which (in answer to your OP) is the reason get annoyed.