To ask why people hate fussy eaters?

[StarlingMurmuration]

I can see why people might find it annoying if they've invited a fussy eater to dinner and he or she won't eat anything that's been prepared, but why does it seem to annoy people otherwise, if they're unaffected? I've often seen it said on MN that being a picky eater is "attention seeking", is that what many people think?

Full disclaimer: I have a lot of issues with the texture or smell of certain foods, and have done since I was a child. I'm a lot better now (e.g. up til my late 20s I couldn't bear things with sauce on them, and I had to separate all my food out, I couldn't take a mixed bite of things like veg AND meat) and now I'm always willing to try something new but there are certain things I can't eat without heaving, so I refuse to attempt them. I still find eating at people's houses quite stressful because I worry they'll serve something I don't like, and even eating in restaurants can be hard work because there's often only one or at the most two things I fancy on the menu. I swear it's not attention-seeking - I hate people noticing when I don't clear my plate, or commenting on my fussiness. I'd love to feel able to eat anything, it would make my life so much easier.

Now this is a long thread, I'll repeat my old-lady assertion that this same conversation used to happen about vegetarians. You couldn't go out for a meal with them, they were just picky, they cast gloom over everyone's steak.

Things changed. They have to change with the wider range of food issues, as well. I reckon more fuss needs making by the fussy

Btw, I have one evangelical vegan friend. I won't eat with her any more because she commits every sin mentioned on this thread: she's anorexic, morally superior and lectures the entire restaurant about the hideous cruelties involved in their enjoyment. She's adorable otherwise, I just refuse to subject myself to that. But most 'fussy' eaters aren't like her.

YY, Liana, you have civilised friends :)

No, I don't want it all my way. Where have I said that? I do my best to avoid making others feel uncomfortable but despite this, some posters like you wouldn't be happy unless fussy eaters either stayed in or ate foods they didn't like to avoid making you feel odd or uncomfortable. That's fair because.....

You might just have to accept that yes, being fussy is one of these annoying things - you can do your best to mitigate it, or you can ignore the effect on others, or you can be somewhere in between, but you probably aren't ever going to make it go away completely and not annoy anyone, because that's the way it is. I have people who are understanding and tolerant and helpful to me in various ways for particular issues; nonetheless, I expect they might feel a bit of relief or that things are easier/less of a problem when they are arranging something that wouldn't need to take me into consideration. I would too.

Twinkl, what would it take for you to be happy when eating out with a fussy eater? If you're not happy when they make an excuse and leave (that's odd) and not happy if they have something small or a drink (that's irritating), then what should they do?

I would be very unhappy if I'd designed my entire menu around your specific requirements and you refused to eat it because it wasn't quite right. And patting you on the head for trying would make me feel really patronising.

I don't know where you get head patting from. Making guests feel comfortable is courtesy, that's all, and that sentence is really a very easy way to do it. It doesn't mean there's more than a tiny chance they actually won't eat what you've cooked, but it's a way of reducing their stress.

Tbh my idea of hell is someone designing an entire menu around my requirements. I'd far rather be welcomed as a person for my company and take my chances with a more roughly targeted menu and the knowledge that in the event (relatively unlikely, or I wouldn't have accepted in the first place) that I can't eat anything, my hosts would understand and not be precious about it. I'm an adult, not a child who needs to be manipulated into eating a meal. That knowledge would be worth far more to me than any amount of detailed meal planning aimed just as me, which I would hate.

The fact that you use a word like 'refused' rather than 'couldn't' suggests you see the anything like this as annoying and wilful fussiness more than anything else. I think that's mistaken and misguided.

I managed to rear five fussy eaters. They are a pain in the arse to feed, always have been. So my take on this is that they are playing poser/contro/attention seeking games with me at home.

My theory is borne out by the fact that when they moved away from home they started eating foods like green vegetables and salads, tomato based sauces, etc., and they always cleaned their plates when they were eating in other people's houses, I have been told.

What should people do if they are fussy eaters?
Just eat the food and get over themselves. Food is just food. It is not what your evening out with friends or your meal at their home is all about.
(imo)

Starling - to be fair, I have no idea what you eat (or don't eat). DS only eats about 3 things so going out with him is hugely limiting. I'm assuming as you're an adult, you're a bit more adventurous than he is - he doesn't eat vegetables at all!

Rereading your OP, if you can order something without fuss or drama in most restaurants, then that's no problem.

But I think YABU not to expect people not to comment or notice if you barely eat what you've ordered if they don't know about your issues.

I'm trying to articulate why it makes people feel uncomfortable. It's probably a combination of some/all of the following:

• we're greedy
• we're undiscerning
• the food isn't very nice

And all of that is amplified tenfold if you're eating at someone else's house where they have spent time/energy/money preparing a meal which you push round the plate.

Your discomfort doesn't trump your host's who (most likely) feels terrible that they've served you a meal that you've deemed inedible.

poser = power

What would make everyone happy would be for fussiness and allergies and disorders of various sorts not to exist!

Really, you might just never be able to make everyone happy at the moment, and all you can ask is for consideration and tolerance and politeness on both sides. But if something is irritating, and you ask about why that is irritating, then the answers are going to reflect that. It doesn't meant that there is anything that can or should be done to change anything. Plenty of people are very tolerant and considerate and accommodating, but would still rather not have to be if they had the choice, which they don't. Asking why they find it frustrating is not going to come up with a magic answer of how to make it go away completely or make them happy about it, but can still be an interesting discussion.

I'm a fussy eater and I hate it. It doesn't stop me enjoying food or cooking though! My parents certainly didn't pander to me, but I would rather go hungry than eat certain foods even the dinner ladies gave up in the end at school, as I would not eat them. However I never comment on other people's food choices, I'll happily go to any restaurant and make the best of it, there's normally one choice I'll eat, and thankfully my dislikes are mainly related so easy if anyone ever asks. But I'll always have a go at eating to be polite, and I sometimes surprise myself so will always try things, I have gradually expanded my repertoire and thankfully OH helps out where possible!
What drives me mad is people say that they aren't fussy and then reel off a long list of things they won't eat!

In fact this perfectly illustrates one of the stresses I have - a host insisting on designing an entire menu around a person's food limitations superficially looks like nothing but kindness and consideration but can in effect pressure someone very heavily to commit themselves in advance to eating everything prepared for them. It removes all the freedom they might otherwise have to say no to individual dishes on the night.

The guests with no food issues ironically end up with more freedom to decline something they can't eat or dislike than the person with food issues, because they haven't been forced to approve a menu or set of ingredients in advance, and they don't have the weight of knowing that it's all been tweaked just for them whether or not they asked for it to be.

brick - that's why I think if you're eating at other people's houses, you should bring your own food or be very specific (about brands etc). It's what I do with my DS. I don't say that he'll eat chicken nuggets because I don't want people to buy him Tesco chicken nuggets when I know he'll only eat Birds Eye ones. So I say I will bring something or feed him first. Much less stress all round.

And 'looks like kindness and consideration'. That's exactly what it is. It's not a trick, designed to trip you up. It's people trying to be kind and considerate. Obviously failing but I'm surprised you think their motives are anything other than that, even if the effect isn't as desired.

I think it's the way that some adults seem to LOVE being a fussy eater and it's actually part of their terribly 'interesting' identity. They are the ones who loves to reel off all the things they can't stand and who love to remind you about how fussy they are, point to things on other people's plates that they can't stand, and will even refuse something that they've previously eaten or said they will eat because they just love the drama of saying 'urgh no, I just couldn't eat that!' Unless eating a type of food will make you ill (and I mean like have an allergic reaction or vomiting or you phyiscally (really now, not in an overdramatic way) can't eat it without gagging and retching then I think it's just plain rude not to eat what someone has cooked for you. You don't have to eat it all - I almost never clear my plate as I can't really manage what most think of as a portion size - but you do have to eat up and fucking well say thank you and stop making it all about you.

well, brick, what exactly do you want? If you have OK'd food, and someone prepares it for you, and you refuse to eat it "on the night" )why, if you've OKd the food?) then you're being extremely rude. Your hangups do not trump social convention and good manners.

And there's a whole other brand of people who are also like this about what their DCs will eat. My DCs are fussy little buggers but I don't ever tell people what they will or will not eat. That's so rude. They will get served whatever the host is making and hopefully they will try some but if they don't then they will be hungry and you know what - they'll survive. It really bugs me when people insist on making a host pander to their fussy little darlings. Worst was when a child at my house tried their food, spat it back into the plate and then their mum praised them for trying it and went into my kitchen to make them something else.

I also think that people are really odd about having a fussy child and then only serving them the food that the child will eat. How do they ever expect this to get better. I get that it's a bit soul destroying to cook meals and have the kids turn up their noses at them but you HAVE to keep on exposing them to the opportunity to try a wide range of foods! Tonight my 5 year old ate mashed potato for the first time ever - loads of it, after literally years of occasionally getting served this and turning up her nose at it. What if I'd just said 'She doesn't eat mashed potato' and stopped bothering? I obviously do make sure they get plenty of meals that they do like and will eat, too, and their tastes are gradually broadening.

And 'looks like kindness and consideration'. That's exactly what it is. It's not a trick, designed to trip you up. It's people trying to be kind and considerate. Obviously failing but I'm surprised you think their motives are anything other than that, even if the effect isn't as desired.

I should have said 'feels like kindness and consideration'. Of course I don't think it's a trick! But yes, inadvertently, it can fail to be what they think it is. I don't think I said anywhere that their motives were different.

There is nothing more irritating than a person who looks at your plate as its serves and makes gagging noises.

There are foods I like and foods I don't like. I would not eat Brussels sprouts with a gun to my head, but I make them for my mum and sister. If I don't like the food at a restaurant everyone else wants to go to I opt out. Not liking something is totally different to being food intolerant.

If I know a person doesn't like a specific thing, I won't cook it if they're coming round, but it's incumbent on their being open when I ask "what don't you like"

Ds has sensory issues and until very recently would only eat the blandest of foods. It frustrated me right to the point where I just thought "fuck it" if he just wants marguerite pizza wherever we go so be it.

Perhaps people with food issues should sit at home with a bag over their heads

No OP, people with food issues should work out how to stop their issues impacting everyone else unnecessarily. But most people with food issues don't negatively impact their dining companions. They are adult about it. Sometimes they (and I) will decline invitations, but won't be drama queens and martyrs about it, and certainly won't make up nonsense about having to sit at home with a bag on their heads.

Well the reason I hate fussy eaters is because my DH has real, life threatening allergies to a fair few things. He loves food, and is deeply ashamed and embarrassed about his allergies, and hates drawing attention to them. So much so that he has quite regularly eaten something served to him and got very ill, rather than own up and say he cant eat it and have to have that conversation.

The reason he hates it so much is because he feels he will be tarred with the same brush as all those PITA fussy eaters who can't eat all sorts of things and people roll their eyes at. So their fussiness makes people with real allergies look just as petty.

Basically, in our house, if it wont kill you then you're fucking eating it. And yes dairy-intolerant-but-still-eats-cauliflower-cheese, veggie-but-likes-chicken-and-bacon SIL, that includes you.

Sadly, I seem to have a knack for making friends with people who turn out to be majorly fussy. Like proper only eat white bread and chips from McDonalds and gammon if cooked by their mum but nobody else fussy. We have allowed two vegetarians to remain in our favour but only because they are truly, truly exceptional

It's annoying when you're in a group and trying to find a restaurant and one person basically vetoes a lot of things because they can't eat Indian/Chinese/thai/foreign. I have a friend like this and it's a real pain.

As others have pointed out, understanding has to come from both sides. It isn't up to anyone else to make the world safe for the fussy eater. If a group of friends chooses a retaurant together, of course consideration for everyone's preferences is important. But the fussy eater should be just as considerate as he/she expects others to be. If that person just moans or sulks through an entire meal, I would avoid dining out with him/her again.

Your discomfort doesn't trump your host's who (most likely) feels terrible that they've served you a meal that you've deemed inedible.

But only one of those two people is going to be forced (in seeking to reduce the other's discomfort) to put something into their mouth, that they really, really don't want to (we're not talking mild dislike here, we're talking something that could make them ill, or that they feel so phobic about they really can't eat it).

What should happen there? In what other situation do we say yay! to social pressure forcing people to put things into their mouths that they don't want to? Nowhere else as far as I can see.

To me that does trump the discomfort of thinking maybe you haven't cooked a very nice meal (and tbh I wouldn't assume that personally, but maybe that's because I can imagine so many other possible reasons why someone wouldn't eat something that I wouldn't take it all that personally, and would just whip the plates away and move onto dessert).

Again, for the record, I always try to say yes to offered food and nearly all the time I eat most things I'm offered. In many situations of mild dislike the host's feelings do trump the guest's and most people eat most food in that situation - I do, too. But sometimes it's not 'mild dislike', but something much stronger, so I think a general rule of politely respecting someone's choice not to eat is a good one.

What should people do if they are fussy eaters?
Just eat the food and get over themselves. Food is just food

Such ignorance.

If only if I had known earlier that the secret to get over my issues is to just eat it and get over myself. I may not gag when trying certain foods and I might suddenly not throw up when I smell peanuts and I may magically begin to love veg.

Excuse the bad grammar above! Need to preview my posts!