To ask why people hate fussy eaters?

[StarlingMurmuration]

I can see why people might find it annoying if they've invited a fussy eater to dinner and he or she won't eat anything that's been prepared, but why does it seem to annoy people otherwise, if they're unaffected? I've often seen it said on MN that being a picky eater is "attention seeking", is that what many people think?

Full disclaimer: I have a lot of issues with the texture or smell of certain foods, and have done since I was a child. I'm a lot better now (e.g. up til my late 20s I couldn't bear things with sauce on them, and I had to separate all my food out, I couldn't take a mixed bite of things like veg AND meat) and now I'm always willing to try something new but there are certain things I can't eat without heaving, so I refuse to attempt them. I still find eating at people's houses quite stressful because I worry they'll serve something I don't like, and even eating in restaurants can be hard work because there's often only one or at the most two things I fancy on the menu. I swear it's not attention-seeking - I hate people noticing when I don't clear my plate, or commenting on my fussiness. I'd love to feel able to eat anything, it would make my life so much easier.

So what should I do, Twinkl, to avoid making you uncomfortable, if leaving is odd, and sitting opposite with a drink makes you uncomfortable, and admitting there's nothing I'd like is guilt-tripping you? Eat something which my sensory issues make extremely difficult for me? But as long as you feel fine, eh?

Perhaps people with food issues should stay home with a bag over their heads to avoid upsetting people like Twinkl.

I was raised to eat whatever was put in front of me, even if I didn't like it, not through force but through reasoning. Fine by me, but I don't have any sensory issues, so I just suck it up and pretend it's delicious. Not everyone can do that. It helps that I like most things, but I do remember my first Christmas with my inlaws who gave me a prawn cocktail for starter. I thought I'd die right there and then, but I didn't. I didn't think things would ever be that challenging again. Next time it was salmon mousse, bleurgh. Prawn cocktail sauce and any savoury mousse is just wrong!

If I'm preparing a meal for others I will always check what people do/don't like, because I'd hate to go to that trouble and the food not be enjoyed.

What I can't abide is someone I know who claims to be a fussy eater and rudely turns her nose up at anything that isn't from certain shops and restaurants, without even looking at it. She's a terrible snob and has never tried anything beyond meat and two veg. If she has a steak it must be well done, if there is a vegetable that isn't, carrot, pea, broccoli or potato it's "disgusting". Bread from Lidl is disgusting because it's not from Waitrose. FWIW, I don't class her as a fussy eater, I class her as a twat.

DotForShort
No, my lack of patience has nothing to do with "sensory aversion." It has to do with adults who cause scenes and pout, as I stated above. Or those who make disparaging comments about the food their dinner companions are enjoying. That is just rude and childish

Everyone has agreed that this is rude including ALL of the 'fussy eaters' on this thread.

I find it annoying when a fussy/picky thing (not a phobia or anything, just picky) apparently trumps what a non fussy person just wants to eat.

E.g when a non-fussy person just really doesn't fancy, say, pizza, again (which is the only thing the fussy person ever wants to eat) but they end up always going to a pizza chain because fussy person doesn't want to go anywhere else and their preference is, apparently, always most important. And they can't just go to a place which sells different types of food including pizza, because the fussy person doesn't fancy pizza from there as they don't think it's as good as at the pizza chain. --

Heh, Fluffy, sounds like you've got somebody very specific in mind ...

NinjaLeprechaun Sat 29-Aug-15 19:08:38

"I have very little patience with adults who cause scenes or pout because someone at the table has ordered fish and they just can't stand the sight or smell of it. hmm I do want to tell such people to grow up FFS."
So some kinds of sensory aversion are acceptable but others aren't? I actually like most fish, but it is a particularly pungent food.

OK, this comes down to manners and being polite - it is very rude to make a scene or make insults about someone else's meal. An adult should be able to keep a straight face and not make a fuss. If you really can't avoid making a fuss, then don't accept meal invitations - yes, you'll miss out on social occassions, but the alternative is to spoil social occassions for others.

It's the inability to see that making a fuss about food is rude that's the problem - and just saying quietly "can I have X without the sauce" is not making a fuss, it's not drawing attention to your food issues. If you do'nt like the food on someone else's plate, you don't need to tell anyone or make it clear at all!

I similarly have no time for people who make a fuss about the calorie content of foods. Make the decision in your head if you are prepared to eat it or not, noone needs to know why you are ordering something else, and noone at all ever needs to know that you wouldn't have ordered their meal.

Op no one has said you have to stay home. As you say, you can eat at most place now. But you should consider others too.

This is why this debate is so ridiculous. One side saying 'I should be able to do as I want because I have issues!' While not caring how everybody else feels about it.

It's about compromise. As I said in my first post I have a friend who will only go to Nandos when we go out. So, quite honestly, I stopped going out with her. I am fed up of every meal out being a huge discussion then settling on bloody Nandos, where I am shit scared something will set me off. But we do it to stop her moaning.

She is unwilling to compromise. So my compromise is that I don't go out to eat with her.

Your friends and family may not mind having to switch venues for you occasionally. That's great.

You opening post asked why people found it annoying, they are giving your their experiences and the reason it annoys them. Not telling you, you should shit with a bag on your head.

Well, Spartans, you and Twinkl seem to think that anything people with sensory issues do to avoid the situation when it's suggested that they go to a restaurant they can't eat at, is wrong. So what do you suggest?

Also, shit with a bag on my head, what are you talking about?

brick - if you let me know beforehand that you wouldn't want to eat proper dinner with everyone else but would have bread and cheese instead, I'd be perfectly happy to provide that for you. :) I would be less happy if you didn't tell me you had food issues before you came so that I had spent time, effort and money making a meal for you that you weren't going to eat.

As for going out, I stand by my original post. People who don't like food suck the joy out of going out for dinner. I can imagine that's an upsetting thing to hear but it's true. I wouldn't go to an amusement park with a group of friends because I hate fairground rides/rollercoasters. Restaurants are the same. Thanks but no thanks is the best way to go. If that curtails your social life, then that's unfortunate but honestly, it does make people uncomfortable if you go out to a restaurant and ask for a few lettuce leaves

As it happens, my friends and family always have accommodated my issues - either because they are much lovelier and more understanding than many posters on this thread, or because I'm such wonderful sparkling company that I'm worth it. ;)

"OK, this comes down to manners and being polite - it is very rude to make a scene or make insults about someone else's meal."
I do agree with this, but it's hard to know how other people define "pouting" or "making a fuss". For some people, the smell or sight of a particular food can be as offputting as the taste or texture. Unfortunately if you've just spent ages finding something on the menu and the person seated across from or next to you at the table orders something that causes you to be unable to eat it, it can look a lot like pouting if you then don't eat. And heaven forbid somebody asks you to explain why you're not eating.

"Op no one has said you have to stay home."
Actually, Spartans, some people are saying exactly that.

I am very fussy. It's not my fault and my mum did not pander to me. Me and my son have sensory issues and we will both gag over certain foods.

I am not a twat though, I do not go on about what others are eating, I try to make people's lives easier if they invite me out by either declining the invite if I don't like the restaurant or offering to bring my own food if going to theirs. Thankfully, the people I go out with are all understanding. I am much better than I used to be and can pretty much always find something to eat, even if it is just a couple of sides.

I am eating at MILs this weekend and she cooks a lot of food that aren't to my taste. I thank her politely for the food and eat what I can. No drama, no fuss. I do not like the attention because I am embarrassed about my fussiness. I do not want to be this way.

If a person invites me to theirs for dinner and I don't know them very well I would politely tell them about my issues and tell them that I will understand if they don't want to invite me. Thankfully most people have been happy to accommodate me somewhat. MIL will cook a lot of things I won't touch but I know she will cook some things she knows I can eat.

If I invite someone to dinner it is because I like them, and if I like someone I will happily accommodate any food issues they have.

I am always polite and grateful and always willing to compromise or decline an invite if I think my fussiness will impact on other's fun.

Well, do you have any suggestions for how fussy people can avoid annoying you, Twinkl, other than never eating out in company? I'm agog.

So if you were invited for dinner, I'd just be grateful for a heads-up on what is good/should be avoided so I can work out a menu we could all eat. I'm not pushy enough to want to know why, just that I'd want a clue.

That's great that you're not pushy enough to want to know why - always appreciated here. I always tense up on the times I need to say "I don't eat X" as mostly people want to know why and it's quite personal. I really do end up feeling between a rock and a hard place (because actually turning down a whole dinner invitation sometimes doesn't look much less rude than turning down a single dish).

My dream though is someone saying, after that, "if it's not quite right for you and there's anything you can't eat on the night, please don't worry about saying so and only eating what you can, we won't be at all offended". That single statement would probably make me your best friend for life! The chances are nine times out of ten I'd still eat every single thing offered, and I would always try, but just knowing that I wasn't going to be pressured would be wonderful.

You can't help your pickiness, neither can I help feeling cross when a friend comes for a meal out and then refuses to eat anything. It's such a martyr act.

It really isn't.

I genuinely can't eat certain foods without gagging on them.

I'm not sure how polite it would be to eat something then gag on it.

Thankfully my friends understand this and because they like me they don't get cross with me.

U2 - Fine, then don't eat those foods. Eat something else. (and don't make a fuss about it by making gagging noises if someone else orders them).

If you're going to a restaurant (or wherever) where there's nothing you can eat without gagging, then why are you going there in the first place?

Probably because that's where the majority of the group want to go, and U2 wants to see her friends? Should she refuse to go? Or say "Can we go somewhere else?". Or what?

brick - if you let me know beforehand that you wouldn't want to eat proper dinner with everyone else but would have bread and cheese instead, I'd be perfectly happy to provide that for you. smile I would be less happy if you didn't tell me you had food issues before you came so that I had spent time, effort and money making a meal for you that you weren't going to eat.

Yes I agree, and likewise (I do host, too). The bread and cheese thing crops up more for unexpected situations or spontaneous meals rather than proper dinners planned in advance. People sometimes really seem unhappy if you aren't having something hot along with everyone else even if it's obvious that doing a separate hot thing will put them to more trouble and actually (good) bread and cheese (and wine!) is a just as nice or nicer.

Did you read my first post? I covered all that.

Incase you missed it though I will repeat

I do not go on about what others are eating, I try to make people's lives easier if they invite me out by either declining the invite if I don't like the restaurant or offering to bring my own food if going to theirs

I am always polite and grateful and always willing to compromise or decline an invite if I think my fussiness will impact on other's fun.

I would not make gagging noises if someone else orders those foods and I would not go to a restaurant if I can't eat nothing at all.

But thanks for the assumptions.

That's what I don't get. According to some posters, admitting you don't want to eat somewhere is "guilt-tripping". Going and not eating, or eating just "a few lettuce leaves" makes people uncomfortable. Leaving the group early because you don't want to go to a particular restaurant is "odd". Asking for changes to the food is "attention-seeking". PP have suggested maybe the fussy posters should just refuse invitations to eat out - but apparently there's no suggestion at all that fussy eaters should just stay at home, oh no! So... what should we do? Genuine question.