To ask why people hate fussy eaters?

[StarlingMurmuration]

I can see why people might find it annoying if they've invited a fussy eater to dinner and he or she won't eat anything that's been prepared, but why does it seem to annoy people otherwise, if they're unaffected? I've often seen it said on MN that being a picky eater is "attention seeking", is that what many people think?

Full disclaimer: I have a lot of issues with the texture or smell of certain foods, and have done since I was a child. I'm a lot better now (e.g. up til my late 20s I couldn't bear things with sauce on them, and I had to separate all my food out, I couldn't take a mixed bite of things like veg AND meat) and now I'm always willing to try something new but there are certain things I can't eat without heaving, so I refuse to attempt them. I still find eating at people's houses quite stressful because I worry they'll serve something I don't like, and even eating in restaurants can be hard work because there's often only one or at the most two things I fancy on the menu. I swear it's not attention-seeking - I hate people noticing when I don't clear my plate, or commenting on my fussiness. I'd love to feel able to eat anything, it would make my life so much easier.

If I cook food for someone else, that entitles me to offer it to them. No more. If they say no, it doesn't entitle me to push them to eat it, or demand to know why they won't

But if someone invites you for dinner, and they cook for you, and put it in front of you, and you simply say no and refuse it with no explanation, then that's extraordinarily rude. How would you like it, if, for example, you gave someone a present and they simply handed it back to you with a "no thank you" ?

It is massively rude to refuse someone's food with no explanation at at all (assuming you knew they were going to the trouble to cook for you). If there's a danger of you doing this, then you shouldn't go to peoples' houses for dinner, it's that simple.

brick- not a good analogy.

I can't eat certain foods due to medical conditions. It's amazing how many people question me about it when I politely refuse certain foods then look horrified when I explain exactly what will happen if I eat the curry/shellfish/blue cheese/alcohol on offer. If you don't want to know about my bladder, bowel and stomach problems then don't ask me!

Sorry all- poor signal, have reported repeat posts

You know the people posting on here are real people, not AI, don't you goblinhat? Would you think we were all lying? I know posters sometimes say "Only on Mumsnet" but there is quite a varied cross-section of society posting on here.

I like other pp's, don't what fussy eaters, or those with intolerences eat.

But it drives me nuts living with 3 of them and having to manage the weekly menu around them. I am the one that never gets to eat the food I like. There are only about 5 meals that eveyone in the family will eat. It is so boring.

My DH has a long list of food he will not eat, most makes no sense. He will not eat eggs but will eat quiche but not fritata. Agh. Has been known to refuse a meal on the basis that it does not look like anything he would eat. His father is the same.

My DS will only really eat meat and a bit of carb, but will not eat a roast dinner. Will eat his weight in chocolate though.

It is so boring.

hackmum, I suspect we were very similar as children! I was terribly uncoordinated (not much better now, though I can drive) and I still can't tie my shoelaces "normally". My fingers just won't do it. I have a workaround. And my handwriting is abysmal...

A question for all the people 'making exceptions' for people with 'genuine' food disorders - how do you know which people those are? Not everybody wants to explain why they're avoiding a food after all. And if they do explain, apparently they're making a fuss.

But if someone invites you for dinner, and they cook for you, and put it in front of you, and you simply say no and refuse it with no explanation, then that's extraordinarily rude. How would you like it, if, for example, you gave someone a present and they simply handed it back to you with a "no thank you" ?

This is a straw man. It is quite possible to say no to something extremely politely and apologetically but without having to give private details, or while giving a more superficial explanation, and I think that's what most people would do in that situation. (If suddenly I couldn't eat a single thing out of a whole meal I'd probably feign illness and run away, so mostly that's not what I'm talking about.)

It's not that it would be a fun situation for either side, in fact it wouldn't be any fun at all and embarrassing enough in itself. But it certainly wouldn't be improved by real time interrogations about reasons.

Once again, I always try to eat what I'm offered. I don't just casually or abruptly say no. But if I do, I don't think anyone's entitled to push for reasons or push me hard to change my mind (obviously the odd "are you sure you won't have any banoffee pie?" or whatever is fine).

I have a friend who has a severely restricted diet due to medical reasons, not fussiness. I have gone out to dinner with this friend on many occasions, and he has always been an utterly delightful dinner companion. He orders what is safe for him to eat, either from the menu or by special request, but he doesn't make a huge song and dance about it. He has never tried to guilt-trip the rest of us about the choice of restaurant, nor has he ever made negative comments about anyone else's meal choice. I tend to forget he even has dietary restrictions because it's just not something he talks about much.

But God knows I have encountered the more irritating type of attention-seeking fussy eater too. I have very little patience with adults who cause scenes or pout because someone at the table has ordered fish and they just can't stand the sight or smell of it. I do want to tell such people to grow up FFS.

I don't eat dairy due to an allergy and I don't drink alcohol or have caffeine due to a particular kind of medication.

Eating/drinking any of my 'banned' foods results in copious amounts of vomit and diahorrea (sp?) and potentially time off work, none of which people really want to know about. But they persist in trying to get me to eat/drink "just a tiny bit"....

I'm perfectly happy to ask for something without cheese/cream etc, and I won't make a fuss about soya/plant based replacements. I never whinge about not being able to drink alcohol or tea/coffee/fizzy drinks, I'll just have my lime and soda quietly. It's when people continue to chastise me about my choices that I get vocal!

I disagree that "these sensory issues never existed before, people just got on with it". It's the same class of statement as autism/ADHD never existed before, nobody was allergic to nuts or dairy intolerant and there wasn't any of this invisible illness lark.

40-60 years ago:

People with autism spectrum disorders were considered weird, insolent or unruly. If they managed to develop social coping skills, they lived isolated & lonely lives doing work beneath their capacities. Those who didn't manage ended up locked in institutions; some are still there.

Young people with physical disabilities were deemed ineducable. Some of them, too, are still in the insitutions they were sent to for their own good.

Children were thought to have choked on the nuts. They died.

Dairy-intolerant infants had failure to thrive. Many of them died, too.

Chronic depression and ME/CFS were called neurasthenia, and sufferers blamed for being a martyr to their nerves. A lot of them died.

Revulsion for certain types of foods was called fussy eating. Children would be force-fed, then punished for puking. As adults they'd be shunned by others for turning their noses up at good food.

And left-handed children were beaten until they learned to write neatly with their right hand.

Sure, there are folks who'll ham anything up for a bit of attention. But I think we can generally tell when somebody's doing that. Assuming that everyone's doing stuff to be annoying is selfish or ignorant, as were the people who whipped ASD sufferers.

100% agree, Garrick. Very well said.

"I have very little patience with adults who cause scenes or pout because someone at the table has ordered fish and they just can't stand the sight or smell of it. I do want to tell such people to grow up FFS."
So some kinds of sensory aversion are acceptable but others aren't? I actually like most fish, but it is a particularly pungent food.

people question me about it when I politely refuse certain foods then look horrified when I explain exactly what will happen ... If you don't want to know about my bladder, bowel and stomach problems then don't ask me!

Heh, I do this too Oddly enough, it doesn't stop them!

Waxy, why were YOU mortified at someone else's diet choice??

Loads of really disrespectful posts on this thread: whatever happened to simply respecting other people's choices? Trying to force food & drink on someone is shocking manners.

Starling

It's funny (but actually mortifying) how many people think that I would be guilt-tripping my friends by admitting I can't eat anything at a particular restaurant but don't mind going anyway, when all this time I thought I was making things easier by going along with what the majority wanted to do. :( I actively DON'T want people to change their plans for me, but even going along and just having a drink, or leaving instead of joining them is the wrong thing to do, apparently.

brickoverfence

I come from a family where food = hospitality. So it's ingrained within me that I offer food people actually will like and eat.

So if you were invited for dinner, I'd just be grateful for a heads-up on what is good/should be avoided so I can work out a menu we could all eat. I'm not pushy enough to want to know why, just that I'd want a clue.

Starling how often is there nothing on a menu you will eat? Surely there will almost always be something, even if you have to ask them to leave out an ingredient.

No, my lack of patience has nothing to do with "sensory aversion." It has to do with adults who cause scenes and pout, as I stated above. Or those who make disparaging comments about the food their dinner companions are enjoying. That is just rude and childish.

If I were in a sushi restaurant, I doubt I could eat anything. If I were in a gastro pub, or an Indian, or cafe, or a steak house, or a fine dining place, there would be many or several things, or at least one option. In my 20s, not so much.

Well, just looked at the menu for Wagamama - I could probably eat a salad or something, but it wouldn't be my ideal choice.

What I hate is people noticing if I'm not eating much (or everything) and then drawing everyone's attention to it while they ask why, nag, cajole, offer to cook me something different and so on (kind but unnecessary). The offer to cook something else just make

This really resonated with me. I've had this in the past, I find that people usually mean well, but before you know it everyone's looking at me and it does make me feel uncomfortable. Like you I always make an effort to eat what's offered, but sometimes I genuinely can't and it's either gag/spit food out at the table (which really would cause a scene) or leave some of my meal, eat the bits I can and feign a full stomach and then say thank you for the lovely food. We don't often go to people's houses for dinner anyway except for the PIL every now and then so it's not really an issue when it comes to eating at people's homes.

When it comes to the weekly meal plan at home I often cook things my oh and dd like, even if I don't like it, because I don't feel it's fair for them to have a restricted diet because of me. All this 'fussy eaters expect everyone else to cater for them' tarring really isn't fair, because not all fussy eaters are so entitled.

I really think there is a difference between a fussy eater and an attention seeker. Sometimes attention seekers happen to be fussy eaters as well but if they weren't fussy with food then they'd find something else at the dinner table to cause a fuss about.

I have a friend who is allergic to a list of things so long you could write a short novel (limes, most other fruit, eggs, anything even remotely related to dairy, all kinds of nuts, onions...). She is not a fussy eater, and is a delight to be around. I love going out with her. I do not define anyone with an allergy / medical condition as a "fussy eater".

Fussy eaters are those who enjoy playing 20 questions with the menu and then look askance when they are offered what they ordered because the carrots are cut the wrong way, or the chips are too thick / pale / dark, or the tomato is touching the steak, or they didn't realise what potatoes au gratin were.

Thankfully I am no longer waitressing, but when I was I was only too happy to help with allergies. Need a gluten free dish? These are what we have. Or a separate gravy? Done. Pregnant? I can get the kitchen to do that without the mayo. Not a problem.

The right git who spent five minutes grilling me over every aspect of the menu (much to the chagrin of his dinner companions and the next table who were impatiently waiting for my attention), and then finally ordered something with a list of alterations so long it barely resembled the original dish (including, and this was very important, NO TOMATO) and then asked me with an air of shocked offence "Where's the tomato??" when served, can go take a long walk off a short pier. Picky bastard.