To ask why people hate fussy eaters?

[StarlingMurmuration]

I can see why people might find it annoying if they've invited a fussy eater to dinner and he or she won't eat anything that's been prepared, but why does it seem to annoy people otherwise, if they're unaffected? I've often seen it said on MN that being a picky eater is "attention seeking", is that what many people think?

Full disclaimer: I have a lot of issues with the texture or smell of certain foods, and have done since I was a child. I'm a lot better now (e.g. up til my late 20s I couldn't bear things with sauce on them, and I had to separate all my food out, I couldn't take a mixed bite of things like veg AND meat) and now I'm always willing to try something new but there are certain things I can't eat without heaving, so I refuse to attempt them. I still find eating at people's houses quite stressful because I worry they'll serve something I don't like, and even eating in restaurants can be hard work because there's often only one or at the most two things I fancy on the menu. I swear it's not attention-seeking - I hate people noticing when I don't clear my plate, or commenting on my fussiness. I'd love to feel able to eat anything, it would make my life so much easier.

It doesn't help that we're in the middle of an eating disorder epidemic. I would put money on most of the anti-fussy-eaters actually having their own troubled relationships with food. When, for instance, your brain's constantly whirring with calorie calculations, nutrient balances and compensation strategies, you are more easily irritated by other people wanting to control their intake in different ways. It can sometimes be like a silent, extremely covert, battle of wills.

My sister and I have both developed metabolic disorders with age, which mean we can't eat certain foods (not the same ones.) Strangely, this has relieved us of our post-anorexic diet control issues. We're both now fat and happy about it. All the other members of my family have sub-clinical eating disorders that occasionally veer into clinical: they vary between orthorexia, anorexia masquerading as foodie-ism, bulimia and exercise addiction. The vast majority of my friends - very nearly all of them - are like this too.

I sometimes wonder whether people are intolerant of food intolerances because they're managing an uneasy relationship with their own food choices. Mind you, I don't often think about it; it's not very interesting

brick - that's why I said you should bring your own food/be very specific. Because, unless you're pretty sure you're going to like what the host is going to make, everything else makes everyone - you, your host, your fellow guests - feel awkward.

I think we're going round in circles now so I probably won't post again. But I do want to emphasise that I am hugely sympathetic, I act as advocate for my DS constantly regarding his food issues and fight his corner endlessly on this and the myriad other issues he has. But I also know, as someone without food issues, that his issues are a complete pain in the arse for everyone else. I'm sorry if that's what you and Starling don't want to hear.

I think some of the posters here have got it.
Getting back to the point of the thread, fussy eaters are annoying because they suck the joy out of eating out or of having people round for dinner. People pushing their food around or not eating at all makes the whole experience less fun for everyone else. There isn't really anything to be done about this, it's just the thing that makes them annoying.
(That and the ones who are just acting like toddlers or attention seeking for no real reason)

Op - so what's the problem? You said you can go to most places and find something to eat - maybe not a sushi place (though do they only actually sell sushi?) . You made it sound that eating out was really difficult. Then you said that you might be able to eat something - just wouldn't be your first choice.

If you constantly can't find something to eat at the restaurant being suggested and say so and that you just wont eat anything - that is really off putting. Most people would feel bad and just go where it suits you - you end up dictating all the time. It's sort of passive aggressive.

I have never had people comment on my food choices, how much or how little I eat, and likewise I don't comment or care what other people do or don't eat. The people whose houses I am invited to or go out to eat with are all considerate humans and behave accordingly. I've never had people try to force types of food on me and would certainly never try to force food on someone else. I a quite shocked that people gag at other people's food choices, that is appallingly rude.

If I cook for people I take note of what their preferences are and cook something I hope they will like, surely that's just polite.

I do think some people are deliberately difficult judging by some of the tales on here, I commented on a previous post about someone's SIL because that just seemed ridiculous.

I think it is all to do with being polite and well mannered from both sides.

There are drama llama's and attention seekers but they would be like that whether food was involved or not.

The only thing I think is a shame about fussy eaters is that enjoying a good meal as a group can be a lovely occasion. Sometimes you get enjoyment from food, sometimes (most of the time) from the company, and sometimes both. Both is best!

My MIL doesn't eat in front of people. So she will cook a meal but then sit at the edge of the table and watch everyone eat (unless it's Christmas). It's fine... just a bit offputting when I first met them all many moons ago.

Also, the family as a rule only likes quite plain food, so if you have anything on the table that is spiced or strongly seasoned there are lots of exclamations about how hot or whatever it is.

I don't really mind the above, but it is different to what I grew up with, where at Christmas, for example, food is a big part of the holiday. At my in-laws, there is very little food, usually not enough for a second helping of anything, no sides other than plain veg (MIL is practically anorexic, in fact I think she is sustainably anorexic if that's a thing. She's lovely though!), it's just not really 'enjoyed'. It's perfectly okay and we celebrate occasions in other ways, I just miss the 'funnness' around food that my family has.

And when I met my husband at uni he didn't like pizza or chinese or indian or even blimming quiche because he'd never tried ANY of it! From the sounds of it he grew up eating either burger and chips or meat and two veg type meals. He's not fussy now though.

Fussy eaters just need to man the fuck up.

Excluding allergy related issues of course

Ohh more helpful advice!

If I just man the fuck up all my eating problems will be solved.

I will magically become a better eater who doesn't gag at textures and tastes of certain foods.

Where has this advice been all my life?

I haven't actually said anywhere that food issues aren't a pain for other people. I know they are - that's precisely why I don't like people going out of their way to cook things specifically for me.

I do think that until you've been an adult advocating for yourself in this socially tricky area you might not appreciate that e.g. saying you'll bring your own food is not particularly less awkward than other approaches, including not going at all. In fact I'd say it counts as one of the extreme approaches that can cause the most comments and questions, and looks really mad if nine times out of ten you actually can eat everything.

If you constantly can't find something to eat at the restaurant being suggested and say so and that you just wont eat anything - that is really off putting. Most people would feel bad and just go where it suits you - you end up dictating all the time. It's sort of passive aggressive.

Why assume it's passive aggressive? I've been in that situation and all I want is to be part of the social event but without being forced to eat something I can't. I really don't want people to go somewhere else instead - I want me to be the person who experiences the 'food issues' hassle, not anyone else. To find out for sure, why not just shrug your shoulders and say OK then, don't eat? If someone really is being passive aggressive they'll soon switch to a different tactic; if they don't then you'll know they're genuinely happy not to eat a full meal at some restaurants and can relax and let them get on with it.

(Some of the other complaints about people not eating in this thread do seem a little bit like a food version of "teetotallers are boring, go on, have a drink". That usually pisses off the incipient problem drinkers the most - btdt from both sides - so maybe garrick has a point!)

Why assume it's passive aggressive? I've been in that situation and all I want is to be part of the social event but without being forced to eat something I can't.

brick, you really are going around in circles. It doesn't matter how much you defend it, what you're asking for is rude and special snowflakey. I also don't think that you understand the social nature of eating, unsurprisingly given that yours is so disordered.

If you really want to be part of a social event, then what you need to do is organise a social event that doesn't revolve around food.

To insist upon being included in food-based social events and then make everyone else uncomfortable while you sit there and push your food around your plate or worse, refuse to eat something that someone's made for you to cater for your issues is horribly rude and attention-seeking. It changes the nature of the event completely. Like when people bring their partners to a lunch that's supposed to be girls only.

And it's food you "won't" eat, not food you "can't". You're not allergic, just faddy. You can eat it, you just refuse to. I'm rapidly running out of sympathy, to be frank.

being included in food-based social events and then make everyone else uncomfortable ...

Do I need to point out how this sounds just like problem drinkers getting arsey with the non-drinker?

Someone not drinking can't possibly make the drinkers uncomfortable. They're uncomfortable because that choice has made them question their own.
Spot on, brick.

That's utter rubbish, Garrick. Someone being stupidly picky about their food would not make a normal person question whether it's right to eat! Ludicrous argument.

Brick is being snowflakey and precious, no two ways about it.

Then why are you so invested in what another individual eats or doesn't eat when they're with you?

Actually, scrub that. I don't care. You do. I think it's slightly weird of you to care that much about it.

It's not rubbish. I'm a big gal - 6'2 but I am under ten stone. I'm at the stage where I've got dental decay, anaemia, palpitations and kidney stones from my annorexia. If I want to just sit whilst friends eat, why should it bother them? I'm the one left out and not guilt tripping anyone. I'm the one shortening her own lifespan, but I percrive so many flaws as regards my own body. Maybe I shoul just die so all the "haters" can stuff themselves in peace. Fuck you, very much

greenwichjelly, you actually know fuck all about what the particular things I eat and don't eat and why - are you mixing me up with someone else? I'm not allergic to anything, as it happens, and have never turned down any food on that basis.

To insist upon being included in food-based social events and then make everyone else uncomfortable while you sit there and push your food around your plate or worse, refuse to eat something that someone's made for you to cater for your issues is horribly rude and attention-seeking.

I haven't actually done any of these things in the way you describe. It's precisely the attention that pisses me off - have you actually read anything I wrote? Mostly I withdraw, off my own bat, from social events that might lead to too much of that.

I think it is polite not, generally, to comment on what other people eat - whether that comment comes in the form of rude gagging noises at what they eat, or whether it comes in the form of questioning them and pressurizing them if they don't eat much or eat an odd meal. Courtesy works both ways.

Both I and my Son, (13, and ASD) have sensory issues with food.
It isn't fussy, I'd like to think there's a massive difference. He has a fantastic appetite including things a lot of children refuse; liver, kidney, chili, garlic etc
He loves cheese, and eggs usually. But if there is melted cheese, or scrambled egg ever made, the sight and smell make him ill. And on the rare occasion this has happened in the past at relatives' houses, he has felt really self-conscious, either saying he isn't very hungry, or apologising that he can't eat it.
Same with a roast dinner- he will eat everything, but if gravy is put on the plate, he can't pick up the fork to eat any.
I just hope that the people judged for being 'fussy', are just faddy eaters, and not genuinely unable to help it

brick

Are you saying that if someone invites you to their home for dinner, you will refuse to tell them what food you have issues with, because it's "private"? Then when they serve you something you can't eat, you tell them "sorry but I can't eat this", but you still won't tell them what you can eat so they could rustle up something for you?

Instead you just want them to play lucky dip when menu planning and hoping that what they choose to cook will be ok for you? And you want them to serve it you and say "if this isn't ok then don't worry!"

I don't have any friends who are fussy eaters. I love food, eat nearly all foods and if something was cooked for me I would eat it even if I wasn't that keen, out of politeness.
Thus, this is probably why I don't have any friends who are fussy eaters. The friendship probably wouldn't survive, because as I'm getting older I am becoming more intolerant and just can't be bothered to entertain anyone I don't like or anyone who isn't easy. And I'm not even apologising for that!

If you don't mind my asking, what do people do to get over their issues?

There is therapy that can help overcome phobias; it seems to me that unlike fear of flying or fear of rollercoasters, issues with certain tastes, smells or textures impinge a lot on daily life, on socialisation with friends, and family events, much of which tends to revolve around meals, and ultimately on your chances of getting adequately nourished.

As long as I don't have to put up with 'oh I can't eat this/I can't eat that/ewww how can you eat that?' people can be as fussy as they like.

'one of the stresses I have - a host insisting on designing an entire menu around a person's food limitations superficially looks like nothing but kindness and consideration but can in effect pressure someone very heavily to commit themselves in advance to eating everything prepared for them. It removes all the freedom they might otherwise have to say no to individual dishes on the night.

The guests with no food issues ironically end up with more freedom to decline something they can't eat or dislike than the person with food issues, because they haven't been forced to approve a menu or set of ingredients in advance, and they don't have the weight of knowing that it's all been tweaked just for them whether or not they asked for it to be.'

I wonder why anyone would think they should have the freedom to say no to dishes that someone has taken time and trouble to prepare in hopes of providing an enjoyable evening for all.

The use of the word 'force' here is interesting, and it is contrasted with 'freedom'. Even politeness and consideration wrt the menu is placed in the 'force' category when it comes to food. Yet the invitation to socialise by itself is not considered to be a matter of being forced to do something despite the demand on your time and energy on an evening when you might prefer to stay home darning your socks. I think it is interesting that food is the only arena where the issue of force and freedom comes up.

I admit that I see my DCs here when they were small in this situation -- their knowledge they hold the ultimate power and they are not afraid to use it. All they had to do was sit with their mouths shut and they won.

No, that's not what I'm saying. Where on earth did you get the 'refuse to tell them what food I have issues with'? This sort of thread is hopeless - people argue against what they think you must really mean, not what you actually say. All nuance is lost.

I'm not saying that at all. I do tell people what I can eat, I just often secretly wish that what they would offer me in return would be the freedom to eat some parts of a meal, without pressure, rather than making a whole meal planned to my requirements, with all the pressure and feeling of guilt that goes along with that.

I think I give up though. The "unreasonably fussy eater rudely refuses to eat perfectly good food" narrative is so strong that it's all some people are seeing no matter what I actually write.

I wonder why anyone would think they should have the freedom to say no to dishes that someone has taken time and trouble to prepare in hopes of providing an enjoyable evening for all.

Seriously??

If someone thinks that the only way they can provide an enjoyable evening to all is to have every part of every dish eaten by every person (how do they police this at buffets, I wonder?), then I think they have their entertaining priorities a bit skewed.

What do you do if you entertain elderly relatives with tiny appetites - do you think that they shouldn't have the freedom to say no to food, either? Or is that just for people whose food choices you suspect of being unreasonable?

I understand you OP

As a host I would never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable by showing expectations that they should eat food they don't want.

However as a guest I would want to make my host feel as though I was hugely appreciative of their culinary offerings therefore would eat their food even if I didn't like it.

I would only say 'I can't eat that' if I was allergic/intolerant to a food.

An interesting thread. It's opened my eyes to the level of anxiety that some 'fussy' eaters associate with certain foods - not allergies, intolerances, or any medical reason not to eat something, but just not liking / intensely disliking / afraid of certain foods.

Who am I to judge which is more deserving of a sympathetic approach and which deserves an instruction to man up?
I don't eat out often enough for that to be an issue. And as a hostess I'd always make an effort to accommodate people's needs / wants. If someone has modified their diet for health reasons, even if I think they are misguided or ill informed. I can respect their choices. For kids, well, I ate no veg and precious little fruit until I was an adult (see pp re veg hating mother!) now I eat pretty much everything, so there's always hope that they will grow out of it.

One thing I am sure of: shaming people, adults or children, is no way of changing their behaviour. And there's an awful lot of shaming aimed at fussy eaters. I don't think any of it helps them to want to change their eating behaviour, it just makes them more ashamed / embarrassed and that's not a nice way to feel.

As I said up thread, my mum is really fussy, and - I believe - deluding herself about how limited and unhealthy her diet is. But she's a grown up, all I can do ( when cooking for her and others) is accommodate her to an extent that she doesn't feel left out at a table of adventurous, healthy eaters, and at the same time, give her the opportunity to try different things out in a relaxed setting.