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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for DP not to wear a suit to his father's funeral?

106 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 27/08/2015 21:13

His brother (as usual) is organising everything and TOLD DP that he will wear a black suit, white shirt, black tie and be a pall bearer. No consultation, just instruction. In fact, he hasn't even called or texted DP about when the funeral actually is.

Backstory is that we don't live locally and DP has been a bit rubbish about calling his mum, but this is often because whenever you call she is on the phone or not in. However, DP should have called more. BIL has been excellent support to both his parents, i cannot take that from him, but it is done with a martyrs hat and also as a control thing. i am not keen on BIL

So part of me thinks DP should suck it up and wear the suit, BUT, my DP is built like a little sherman tank. He is not comfortable in a suit, never has been - he hasn't worn a suit to any special occasion so far, so DDs christening, my graduations and my dad's funeral (he was very close to my dad). He is also unlikely to be able to buy a suit off the peg due to his build and there is no way we could afford to have one made. Especially as this would be the one and only time he would wear it. He wore a pair of black trousers to my dad's funeral with a dark grey/white fine checked shirt, with black tie - he looked perfectly presentable and i had no problem with the lack of suit. Its about the person surely, not a fashion parade. His brother is very big on appearances showing off.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 27/08/2015 21:21

Did his father leave any requests about the funeral attire? For example, my MIL said "not too much black" for hers, and it was therefore quite a colourful affair.

It is an important occasion though, and best not to offend the remaining family. If they are really big on the traditional funeral clothing of black suit and tie and your DP does not have one then perhaps he could look into hiring one for the day. I think you can.

Penfold007 · 27/08/2015 21:24

Mourners dress has changed a lot over recent years. Smart trousers, formal shirt and sober tie are fine. If he wants to carry the coffin fine but also fine if he doesn't. His presence at the funeral is more important.

BestZebbie · 27/08/2015 21:26

If he is a pall bearer presumably the idea is that he will have to match the others - I think it would look odd if there are three or five men in matching suits and your DH is wearing a grey shirt instead, sorry.

Gingermakesmesick · 27/08/2015 21:26

Sorry for your loss.

I think what you propose sounds fine - it's hardly a Hawaiian shirt and shades. I wore a flowery dress for my dad's funeral though admittedly in dark grey as he liked it.

Gingermakesmesick · 27/08/2015 21:27

Thing is I don't think it would look odd but even if it did, does it matter?

I mean - surely to god no one would be rude enough to voice their criticism at such a time?

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 27/08/2015 21:27

i dont think he did specify, i think DP would absolutely do his best to comply if that was the case. I think the key is that only the brother is the one who is specifying the attire. The rest of the family is laid back.

I have looked into suit hire and it is affordable, but i honestly don't think he will fit a hire suit, his arms and shoulders are huge but he is short so would need something altered at the very least.

I am not suggesting jeans and a t shirt, he looked perfectly smart at my father's funeral.

I might try and talk to his mum and see what she would prefer. If she is keen on the suit then i'll persuade him, but his brother can go to fuck as far as im concerned.

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 27/08/2015 21:28

I kind of think it's important for the immediate family to dress as soberly as possible, simply as a mark of respect unless you know that DF wouldn't care. Would DM expect her sons booted and suited? You can get some really inexpensive and perfectly presentable suits or jackets/trousers from places like Asda/Matalan in large sizes.

Sheezus · 27/08/2015 21:29

I'm not usually one to follow rules but I do think a pallbearer needs a suit and I do think a son of the deceased should be pallbearer. It's not about being told to do anything.
It's just respect.

Littlef00t · 27/08/2015 21:29

Could you find a black shirt the right size? Jacamo or high and mighty are where my large DH goes. Then at least it's the same colour as the other jackets even if s shirt.

thehypocritesoaf · 27/08/2015 21:30

Smart clothes are fine.

I never will understand people who tell others what to wear. Bizarre.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 27/08/2015 21:30

Best - i sort of agree with you there. The thing is, im not sure he wants to be a pall bearer either. This isn't down to a lack of respect or a lack of affection for his dad. This is more my DP not coping well with his grief and hating public occasions at the very best of times. So he will find the whole thing excruciating. I actually don't remember if he carried my dad, i don't know who did this - im sure it was the funeral directors but may have been my cousins. I can't remember this at all for some reason.

OP posts:
Littlef00t · 27/08/2015 21:31

You might be surprised with hire places, as they only need a few of the 'odd' sizes, especially if it's a plain black suit you need.

ScarletRuby · 27/08/2015 21:32

If he is a pall-bearer and everyone else is wearing a suit then of course he should. He would stick out like a sore thumb and it would look disrespectful. If he doesn't want to wear a suit then he shouldn't bear the coffin.

Gingermakesmesick · 27/08/2015 21:33

It is not disrespectful - goodness, I think I have answered my own question! Most decent people wouldn't comment at such a time Hmm

The pall bearers at my mums funeral weren't dressed the same I don't think!

katienana · 27/08/2015 21:34

Pall bearers are not bridesmaids they don't need to match.

sadwidow28 · 27/08/2015 21:34

This is such a sensitive subject OP and I don't think any of us can really help you without knowing your FIL's wishes.

My DH left instructions for 'no black' - but his niece bought a grey suit before the message got to her. Do you really think my DH cared?

The usual attire for FAMILY pall bearers is now:

  • white, long-sleeved shirt
  • dark coloured tie
  • dark trousers
  • dark shoes

(no jacket unless all matching)

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 27/08/2015 21:35

Littlefoot - the black shirt is a good idea. I don't want him to stand out and whilst the shirt i have in mind is perfectly presentable, he will be different, in a black shirt it wont be so obvious.

his brother is being an arsehole about the whole thing - which is putting DP's back up. I am dreading it and just pray they wont end up falling out in front of his mum. DP is very laid back and quiet whereas the BIL is loud and a real jack the lad, fond of his own voice and spent the whole time DP visited his mum having little pops at DP. I had marks in my hands where i had to clench my fists to stop myself from saying something.

OP posts:
thehypocritesoaf · 27/08/2015 21:36

He has lost his father and people are going to be standing around whispering that his shirt and tie is disrespectful??

Nice people.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 27/08/2015 21:37

sadwidow - i am sorry for your loss Flowers. That outfit would be fine for DP, it is the jacket that is the issue i think as he just will look wrong in it and therefore feel self concious - of course its not about him, but you know what i mean.

I will get him to talk to his mum about what his dad would have wanted.

OP posts:
RiverTam · 27/08/2015 21:38

My dad was a pallbearer and though they all wore suits they didn't match, in dress or in height Grin. Surprised my great aunt didn't slide into her grave, to be honest.

I think what your DH is planning to wear is fine but perhaps he should talk to his mum about it all. Sorry for his/your loss Flowers.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 27/08/2015 21:40

Yes, there is definately going to be a mis match in sizes too River Confused.

I did talk to the man in the hire-shop about the size and he says they do up to a size 60 but its the issue of the broad shoulders and huge arms with his short stature that will just make him look either swamped or like a bouncer.

OP posts:
LazyLohan · 27/08/2015 21:41

He can't turn down being his father's pall bearer. If he's a pall bearer he needs to wear a suit. He needs to hire one, it doesn't really matter if he doesn't look great, nobody is going to be looking at him. He can take the jacket and tie off as soon as the service are over.

I'm kind of with the BIL on this one. He's supported his parents a lot when you say DP doesn't even really phone. And now he's sorting out the whole funeral and you two are just preoccupied with what he's going to wear and haven't even mention what his Dad or mother would want, don't even mention it. You sound really, really self absorbed. You can't cause ructions at such a difficult time over something as trivial as wearing a suit. Particularly when he doesn't seem to have covered yourself in glory over supporting his parents.

Seriously, if he starts kicking off about wearing a suit or being a pall bearer he's going to look an utter, utter selfish dick.

CassieBearRawr · 27/08/2015 21:42

It's a funeral, not a bloody fashion parade Hmm No normal person will give a fig if people 'match'. I've never heard anything so absurd.

I think your husband should wear whatever he feels comfortable in and do whatever he feels comfortable doing. Anyone whispering about disrespect needs to a) be ignored and b) take a good, hard look at themselves.

I'm sorry for your loss OP Flowers

Redglitter · 27/08/2015 21:43

It's not in the least disrespectful. It's not like he's planning on wearing shorts and t shirt. He's going to be smartly dressed. When my dad my brother was a pall bearer along with other close family/friends. There was nothing said to them about what to wear. They all looked nice and smart even though they weren't (shock) matching. As far as I can remember no one at the service collapsed in shock at the unmatching pall bearers.

Tell BIL to wind his neck in. Your husband can frankly wear what he wants. It's a stressful enough time without pandering to nonsense or worrying what other people think

Gingermakesmesick · 27/08/2015 21:43

That is such a nasty message Lazy.

The OP just lost her FIL.

She hasn't once mentioned her DH 'kicking off' - just that he's worried about what to wear. Funerals are really, really expensive - has it occurred to you that they might not have much money spare after paying £5000? Even split two ways it's a lot of money.

I can't believe that post. Just vile Hmm