for DP not to wear a suit to his father's funeral?

[TheoriginalLEM]

His brother (as usual) is organising everything and TOLD DP that he will wear a black suit, white shirt, black tie and be a pall bearer. No consultation, just instruction. In fact, he hasn't even called or texted DP about when the funeral actually is.

Backstory is that we don't live locally and DP has been a bit rubbish about calling his mum, but this is often because whenever you call she is on the phone or not in. However, DP should have called more. BIL has been excellent support to both his parents, i cannot take that from him, but it is done with a martyrs hat and also as a control thing. i am not keen on BIL

So part of me thinks DP should suck it up and wear the suit, BUT, my DP is built like a little sherman tank. He is not comfortable in a suit, never has been - he hasn't worn a suit to any special occasion so far, so DDs christening, my graduations and my dad's funeral (he was very close to my dad). He is also unlikely to be able to buy a suit off the peg due to his build and there is no way we could afford to have one made. Especially as this would be the one and only time he would wear it. He wore a pair of black trousers to my dad's funeral with a dark grey/white fine checked shirt, with black tie - he looked perfectly presentable and i had no problem with the lack of suit. Its about the person surely, not a fashion parade. His brother is very big on appearances showing off.

LEM
At MiL funeral there was nothing at all beyond a very cold handshake
and zero communication in the years since

you can choose your friends, but not your family

I'm sorry but it's true. The BIL has also lost his father and it sounds like he has both taken on supporting his parents whilst they were alive and is now organising the funeral while his brothers primary concern seems to be what he's going to wear. Yet apparently his brother should be getting a phone call being told to 'wind his neck in'.

It's highly likely that his brother is expressing what the immediate family (and probably his Dad) expect at the funeral so to simply dismiss it and come on Mumsnet to seek validation without discussing it with the person who actually matters who is his mother, not a random group of people I the internet is just ludicrous.

The rest of you can keep on telling the OP that it's fine. In reality if his reaction to his father's funeral is to have a row with his brother over wearing a suit after he's not made a lot of effort with his parents his brother, his mother, his other siblings, his aunts, his uncles and anybody else who hears about it will think he's being selfish. I would be absolutely gobsmacked if an adult member of my family caused ructions about funeral arrangements because they didn't want to wear a suit. To be honest it would be pretty poor behaviour from a teenager.

FFS, it's wearing a jacket and a tie for 45 minutes.

sadwidow. I think MNet needs a proud emoticon. That brought a tear to my eye. How are you anyway. We've rubbed shoulders on another thread where you gave great advice. Must change name back.

My apologies OP for derailing, but do take note of sw, she is very wise.

Ripeningapples, thankyou for your post and all of the other kindly posts, it is an interesting split.

I am a catholic and my father had a full catholic funeral, albeit with no vigil. IF family members were pall bearers there was certainly no matching suit and i remember my cousin turning up with full tails as he had worn this to his daughters wedding. We joked that he was getting his monies worth. He was very fond of my dad. I have no brothers so he would have definately carried the coffin.

FIL was not a religious man and no priest was called when he died which shocked me so i am not sure even if this is to be a church affair as the BIL was quite adamant that no preist be called apparently. I wish that they would talk about this as maybe a religious funeral is not what is called for here?

I think if the BIL had presented it differently, as in "i think it would be nice if we all sort of match, withing a ball park" it might have been better accepted by DP and i am worried that they are both going to vent their grief on each other.

Ripeningapples - I am fine (I think).

I do tend to put my two pennenth in on bereavement threads don't I?

Lazy, you have mis read my posts - maybe that is my fault. I have not once said my DP is going to kick off at the funeral, he wouldnt dream of doing that. He wont have a row with his brother over this either. He just will stick his head in the sand and not buy the suit - i am asking for a consensus over what to do and how to handle this so that it doesn't end up in a falling out, over what is, on the surface, something quite trivial.

My DP feels guilty, but wont admit to it, his brother, feels angry but needs to keep hold of that and have that conversation at another time.

When my dad died one of my db organised the whole funeral. He had always been a great support to my parents so we were happy to let him. When my dhs dad died they all had to have a say in every bloody little detail and they never agreed if they could disagree. I was shocked as felt it dishonoured his dad. Just go along as much as possible with bil. Be grateful for what he has done and keep things harmonious for the sake of your fils memory. Taking care of aging parents is no easy job so bil deserves some stuff overlooked for that alone. Grief can make people cranky and bring up old issues so agreement is the best road l believe.

junebird - i hear you. Thank you.

I am going to have a talk to DP tonight and tell him what i think, and then im going to wind my own neck in and let him make his own decision.

TheoriginalLEM

I am Catholic also and I arranged the 'entire monty' for my DH and my youngest brother (who died when he lived with me).

I did the home vigil (on my own in the case of youngest brother) and receiving into church. You will know what I mean by that.

I know that you will feel that clothing is a sign of respect, but truly, it isn't.

What does your DH want to do? If he thinks he should have a jacket (and you can afford it) then encourage him to hire one. If it doesn't bother DH, then support him in going smartly dressed.

Your BIL will be feeling all sorts of emotions - anger, guilt, questioning ... it is a grief cycle. He can't control your FIL's passing, so he might try to control the funeral. It doesn't matter that you don't get on with your BIL, just recognise that grief manifests in all sorts of peculiar ways.

Take care of yourself OP. This is a tough time.

Thank you so much sadwidow - i think i will say similar things to DP, who really has his head firmly in the sand just now.

Sorry OP, but his brother has supported his parents (it sounds like he supported his father through an illness) and is now organising the funeral. While your DP doesn't even seem to have bothered to pick up the phone much. And you are criticising his choices about the priest, the dress code, accusing him of being a martyr.

This is Mumsnet and you always just get a rush of people who just blindly agree with the OP. But seriously. Your DP by your own account hasn't made much of an effort with his parents. His brother has. How do you think it's going to look to the rest of the family if you two swoop in from out of town after not having done much kicking up a fuss about the funeral arrangements which you haven't helped with, complaining about a dress code and being snippy about the choices he made during the illness you are going to make yourself look horrible. Tread carefully. You won't be the only person who has noticed that BIL has done most of the supporting whilst your DP hasn't done much. Bearing that in mind, if your DP starts causing a row about the suit who do you think the rest of his relatives will side with? I think they might well think that if he wanted such a big say on his father's funeral perhaps he should have put a bit more effort in while he was alive?

If I am honest every funeral I have been to where the funeral directors were not doing pall bearing duties, not once did I notice what the pall bearers wearing. Luckily for me I have only been to two family funerals and both times our pall bearers wore shirt and tie in muted colours no suits. We come from a family where suits are not a wardrobe staple and the cost just wasn't achievable.

Why are you saying we will be kicking up a fuss? WHERE have i said this? Where have i said that these opinions will be aired at the funeral??? Why would i tread carefully?? Phones have two ends to them, my DP wasn't even informed that the FIL was unwell (he was in a care home so not in the best of health) and has many times tried to contact his family but been unable to. Even when the BIL had been told to get to FIL bedside as soon as he could, he called DP and told him the DP was unwell. We were actually on holiday but it wouldn't have been impossible for DP to get there had he known his father was actually dying, instead of some cryptic phone call telling DP, no no, its fine when DP said he would go in the next day. So it isn't cut and dry.

And where does he say he wants a say in the funeral, he just doesn't feel comfortable wearing a suit. no one will give a fuck, apart from the BIL.

LEM honestly take no notice of those saying it is disrespectful. Disrespectful would be turning up in shorts and a vest with a fag in his mouth. No one including your bil has the right to say what is to be worn unless it was the express wishes of your fil. I hope you manage to sort it out, the last thing your dh needs right now is a row over dress code.

LEM the outfit you describe your DH wearing to your DFs funeral sounds just fine. He needs to be comfortable. He has enough to be thinking about without worrying about a hired suit, or how he is paying for it etc..

It is only 1 day/ 45mins as someone else mentioned upthread, he should not have to hire or buy a suit for this if he does not already own one. It sounds like he will never wear it again.

He could tell his DB what he is wearing as that is what he has if he wants to, otherwise just turn up. I would hardly think his DB would make a scene about it, and if he did, just apologise and say, this is what I have.

I don't think we know that nobody will mind. it may well be something his mother would prefer. A lot of older people do and to be honest I know on both sides of my family if a child turned up to be pall bearer at their parents funeral without a suit and tie on the surviving parent would be very, very hurt.

And he can't just ask his mother because she has just lost her husband and really doesn't need to deal with her kids sniping at each other and feeling put under pressure and asked to take sides.

Because the risk of upsetting his mother is there and also because it might cause tension on the day he should just wear a jacket and tie. It's not worth it, it's something that could cause an awful lot of grief and hurt for the sake of what? Not wanting to look like a bouncer for 45 minutes?

If a suit is not available, then Black shirt and black trousers, dark tie, sounds smart enough to me.

Isn't it up to the OP's Oh to decide what to wear?

I wouldn't even think it's my place to comment on what my OH wears to his father;s funeral- thats' his business not mine.

We are talking about a grown man here, not an 8 year old boy.

Lazy he could just ring his Mum and say "I am just checking how you are and by the way db says it is suits only for the funeral but I only have a smart shirt and tie and as you know I am an odd shape. Do you think what I have would do?" That is what my family would do. Ps LEM no offence meant by odd shape comment.

none taken - hes odd but lovely.

have spoken to him. He doesn't want to wear a suit. his dad would not have cared but he has agreed to ask his mum and go along with her wishes.

can't say fairer than that really.

You are right, he needs to speak to his Mum and ask. I am sure if he says that he would like to be a pall bearer but db says he needs a suit that he doesn't have or can get in time ( as his dm she knows he isn't standard size) best of luck.

I think that's the right thing to do - ask his mum, if she's not bothered then get a comfortable black shirt for him to wear maybe so he's less of a 'sore thumb' and BIL will have to get on with it.

People act a bit more high strung than normal around death (and that can include your DP). Honestly, I'd think about whether or not a suit is really an important to DP or not. If it is a sticking point, he can wear what he wants to the funeral no one is going to question the son of the deceased. If in the grand scheme of things, it's just a minor annoyance, I'd just go with it.

Normally I'd say stand your ground, but the funeral isn't the time or place for bickering or resentment. That goes for both, but sometimes you just have to take the high ground. BIL lost a father too, keep that in mind. Him controlling petty things like what to wear may be his way of coping. Obviously your DP doesn't have to play along with it, but if a suit isn't the end of the world, I'd do it to take the stress off both brothers.