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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for DP not to wear a suit to his father's funeral?

106 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 27/08/2015 21:13

His brother (as usual) is organising everything and TOLD DP that he will wear a black suit, white shirt, black tie and be a pall bearer. No consultation, just instruction. In fact, he hasn't even called or texted DP about when the funeral actually is.

Backstory is that we don't live locally and DP has been a bit rubbish about calling his mum, but this is often because whenever you call she is on the phone or not in. However, DP should have called more. BIL has been excellent support to both his parents, i cannot take that from him, but it is done with a martyrs hat and also as a control thing. i am not keen on BIL

So part of me thinks DP should suck it up and wear the suit, BUT, my DP is built like a little sherman tank. He is not comfortable in a suit, never has been - he hasn't worn a suit to any special occasion so far, so DDs christening, my graduations and my dad's funeral (he was very close to my dad). He is also unlikely to be able to buy a suit off the peg due to his build and there is no way we could afford to have one made. Especially as this would be the one and only time he would wear it. He wore a pair of black trousers to my dad's funeral with a dark grey/white fine checked shirt, with black tie - he looked perfectly presentable and i had no problem with the lack of suit. Its about the person surely, not a fashion parade. His brother is very big on appearances showing off.

OP posts:

notquitehuman · 27/08/2015 21:43

I don't feel that suits should be necessary for a funeral. As long as you look smart, that's enough.

My DH is a big guy. 6ft4 and 52 inch chest before he lost some weight. He was able to hire a suit from Moss Bros for a wedding, and also brought work suits from Asda who go up to big sizes. So you shouldn't have to spend a lot if he does decide to wear a suit.

ScarletRuby · 27/08/2015 21:44

Seriously, if he starts kicking off about wearing a suit or being pall bearer he's going to look like an utter, utter selfish dick

^^This

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 27/08/2015 21:45

I absolutely have considered what his parents would have wanted. I couldnt give a fuck what he wears. Its not about him looking great ffs, its about him feeling uncomfortable and looking ridiculous, which i am pretty damned sure his father wouldn't want .

He is sorting out the whole funeral because he has taken over the whole shibang, just like he has done everything else.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 27/08/2015 21:46

If he isn't a pall-bearer and the rest of the family are of the more relaxed rather than totally traditional type then he has a little more leeway.

Smart black trousers and a smart casual shirt if carefully chosen can be fine if you are just going to be part of the congregation rather than an official role.

My BIL ended up in tracksuit bottoms and t-shirt at my MIL's funeral (long story, too long and would hijack your thread). I wouldn't recommend that necessarily, but he had no formal role and his presence at the funeral was more important than appearances.

These days things are not as rigid as they once were.

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 27/08/2015 21:48

It is the size thing in truth. I have looked in charity shops because i think he would get a nicer suit and as they charge quite a lot for a decent suit (about £50 which is just about the hire cost) I like the idea of the money going to a charity too but the arms just wont touch him. Money is a huge issue for us.

OP posts:

Rainuntilseptember15 · 27/08/2015 21:50

If it's not a fashion parade why do you care if the suit makes him look "swamped or like a bouncer".

abbieanders · 27/08/2015 21:51

I don't think I've ever seen matching pall bearers. It sounds a bit mafia looking to me. However, your partner should be a pall bearer, to not do it would be disgraceful. And if everyone else has agreed to matching suits, this us not the time to assert his individuality.

Also, you clearly dislike your brother in law, but he's the one sticking hus neck out to do the work here so unless your partner wants the job, he should try to cooperate rather than obstruct. It does sound like you're dead set on finding every possible reason to not go along with these plans.

WombatStewForTea · 27/08/2015 21:51

Sorry but you seem to me making this all about BIL!
It's one day and personally I think a suit is appropriate.
Hiring a suit is the best option and they will almost certainly have ones that fit as all the bits come separately.

5Foot5 · 27/08/2015 21:51

You have mentioned twice now that he is short. Don't mean to be funny or anything but won't this cause a problem if the other pall bearers are all taller than him?

I do think it would be the nice thing to be a bearer at his own father's funeral, and while surely nobody would be rude enough to comment if he was dressed differently won't he feel less conspicuous and self concious if he is dressed the same as the others.

TalkinPeace · 27/08/2015 21:51

LEM
Not sure why people are assuming Pall Bearing : often funeral directors do it now : as they are practiced
Your DH should wear what he is comfortable in on what will inevitably be a pretty shitty day.

We found out about MiLs funeral when BiL invited his mates by public FB post.
We had no direct invite.
I could not give a &&&& what other people think of dress codes and protocols and fashion parades on such dates.

Do what will make you hurt least

goblinhat · 27/08/2015 21:54

OP- I would stay out of it. It's your DP who has lost his father, it's his brother it's his choice what to wear.
I would support your OH with whatever he feels most comfortable doing, but it's not your place to be steering things here.

If a man had come on to Mumsnet expressing concern about his wife's wardrobe decision at her mother's funeral he would be told to back off.

Be supportive of your OH, but it's not really your call.

thehypocritesoaf · 27/08/2015 21:55

Talkin, Op wrote that the bil wants him to be a pall bearer.

Karoleann · 27/08/2015 21:56

It is respectful to wear a suit at a funeral, especially when it's your own father. You're she should just go and buy/hire one.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 27/08/2015 21:57

I can't remotely remember what my brother was wearing when he was pall bearer at my Dad's funeral last November. I think it was a suit. He did initially say he didn't want to be pall bearer - but changed his mind at the funeral. He said it felt like the right thing to do.

I'd get him to speak to his mum, OP. Funerals are stressful, everyone trying to do the 'right' thing, whilst grieving. They don't always bring the best out in people. But a black shirt, and black trousers sound fine to me

Sorry for your loss.

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 27/08/2015 21:57

Wombat - that is a fair comment, and i must not do that - thank you for pointing out what i already knew. And i agree that now is not the time for DP to dig his heels in. What i DO think is that to insist on someone wearing something that makes him uncomfortable is not great. Saying that, DP didn't voice to his brother that he didn't want to do this - just bent my ear all fucking night so it might be that if he does actually say, look DB, im going to feel a proper numpty in a suit, bla bla everyone is happy?

OP posts:

abbieanders · 27/08/2015 21:57

We found out about MiLs funeral when BiL invited his mates by public FB post.
We had no direct invite.

Why would you expect to be invited? Surely your presence would be assumed?

TalkinPeace · 27/08/2015 21:58

It is respectful to wear a suit at a funeral, especially when it's your own father.
To whom?

The dad is dead
The close family will be lost in their own grief
All else is just historic habit and posing

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 27/08/2015 22:00

goblin, that is another good point i had not considered.

If i am honest, i am actually leaning more towards him wearing the suit, despite the financial worry. But of course i don't want to push him and make him feel harrassed over it.

OP posts:

goblinhat · 27/08/2015 22:00

A funeral is not something to be "invited" to.
Anyone who wants to can attend.

sadwidow28 · 27/08/2015 22:01

TheoriginalLEM

I so feel your concern. It is one thing to lose a father (your FIL) but this angst about proper attire at a funeral takes away from the grieving process. I think that is why my DH said "no black". He didn't want anyone buying suits/jackets that they wouldn't wear again.

I can give you another scenario. My youngest brother died unexpectedly and his friends from Uni were pall bearers - and so was a middle brother. All the Uni friends turned up in suits as that was their usual work attire. But when they saw that my middle brother turned up to bear the coffin without a jacket, the other pall bearers took their jackets off!

Smart attire and great respect for the deceased person is all that is needed. No jackets and no suits!

Topseyt · 27/08/2015 22:01

LazyLohan, butt out if all you can do is make mean spirited posts like that.

I didn't get the impression that the OP's DP was actually kicking off over being a pall-bearer or wearing a suit.

Some people want to be pall-bearers for a parent or other close relative, others can't cope with it and the funeral directors provide if they are short. There is (or should be) no pressure.

My DH wanted to be a pall-bearer for his mother and managed it with the supervision of the funeral director. His brother did not want to as he was struggling to cope at all. Horses for courses and both were respected.

OP, if the family are relaxed about dress code and your DP has no official role then he should choose clothes he is comfortable wearing, within reason and carefully chosen.

Ripeningapples · 27/08/2015 22:02

When DH's father died, he ended up organising it and staying with her for ten days, etc. His sisters didn't do a great deal but it was very important to his mum that their husbands scrubbed up, wore and suit and were presentable. DH therefore sent them to the suit hire people with the money to hire the suits. They didn't like wearing them but to accord with MIL's wishes they had no choice as DH facilitated what she wanted.

If money is a problem for you and if it's what your MIL and BIL really want then it is perfectly reasonable in my opinon for them to pay for it.

I appreciate that is probably not what many people want to hear.

I am sorry for your DH's loss OP and appreciate how difficult it is to deal with this stuff when the partner's/husband's family don't do things like your own would and when it is a stressful and new situation to deal with and you aren't sure how your DH will react and it's a difficult learning curve for all concerned.

I think you have to keep your head, keep calm, and steer the family men through this. Take a bid deep breath, a good swig of wine and rise above your irkment and principles.

goblinhat · 27/08/2015 22:02

TheoriginalLEM

I would let it go completely. It's his choice. Unless he actually asks you for advice - I wouldn't even mention the subject.
In the grand scheme of things it is trivial.

TalkinPeace · 27/08/2015 22:03

abbie
that was how we found out when and where .... we had not been told directly having been cut out of all of the planning

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 27/08/2015 22:04

I think there is a lot of resentment between the two brothers and i do worry that it will spill out at the funeral. I mean words, they wont come to blows, neither of them are that way inclined. But still, not the time or place.

I don't like my BIL, i make no secret of that but he is right about DPs lack of involvement and he has been fantastic in support of his parents.

DP feels bad, i know this, his head is in the sand - honestly, i am worried about this situation, in terms of DP not dealing with his loss

OP posts:

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