for DP not to wear a suit to his father's funeral?

[TheoriginalLEM]

His brother (as usual) is organising everything and TOLD DP that he will wear a black suit, white shirt, black tie and be a pall bearer. No consultation, just instruction. In fact, he hasn't even called or texted DP about when the funeral actually is.

Backstory is that we don't live locally and DP has been a bit rubbish about calling his mum, but this is often because whenever you call she is on the phone or not in. However, DP should have called more. BIL has been excellent support to both his parents, i cannot take that from him, but it is done with a martyrs hat and also as a control thing. i am not keen on BIL

So part of me thinks DP should suck it up and wear the suit, BUT, my DP is built like a little sherman tank. He is not comfortable in a suit, never has been - he hasn't worn a suit to any special occasion so far, so DDs christening, my graduations and my dad's funeral (he was very close to my dad). He is also unlikely to be able to buy a suit off the peg due to his build and there is no way we could afford to have one made. Especially as this would be the one and only time he would wear it. He wore a pair of black trousers to my dad's funeral with a dark grey/white fine checked shirt, with black tie - he looked perfectly presentable and i had no problem with the lack of suit. Its about the person surely, not a fashion parade. His brother is very big on appearances showing off.

his brother is being an arsehole about the whole thing - which is putting DP's back up. I am dreading it and just pray they wont end up falling out in front of his mum

I have a friend going through something suprisingly similar. My advice to my friend has been, "mourn your dad now and leave the arguments for later".

Your dh sounds lovely. He has to tell BIL, face to face or by SMS if he has to, "this is my dad, I am mourning and you cannot tell me how to do that". He can then add whether he wants to be a pall bearer or not and then do not discuss it.

Oof the bil sounds like a self important arse. Poor you guys.

I think it is a bit pointless especially as he is already wearing something smart but I would get your DP to wear a suit for the sake of family harmony. It may be uncomfortable but he will only have to suck it up for a couple of hours.

You could probably get some cheap interview suits from Asda etc as no one is going to be taking much notice of the quality of a suit just so long as it matches.

Your dh should be allowed to wear what he wants to wear, he's grieving too. It sounds like your bil is using this as an opportunity to control your dh, try to protect him from this if you can. I'm sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss. I think what you describe is fine. My BIL turned up to his fathers funeral in a T Shirt and woolly jumper, fag in hand telling everyone he hadn't seen the 'old codger' for months. DP and his other brother had made a real effort for their dad (and mum) and it was embarrassing. It doesn't sound like your situation is anything like this.

He should wear what he wants and feels comfortable in. At my uncle's funeral, one of his sons wore navy trousers and a blue checked shirt, no tie. He was a pallbearer along with with 5 others who were wearing black suits - no-one batted an eye, nor should they have.

I have to say I think bothering a grieving widow with nonsense over suits is not very considerate. She has enough to be dealing with without having to be a go-between or an arbiter between two squabbling between brothers.

Why not just take the high road and wear a suit to keep the atmosphere pleasant on what is already a very difficult occasion?

Sometimes it's not about being "right" it's about doing what's best for everyone. Let the eejit BIL insist on suits if he wants. Take the high road, don't bicker over clothing.

^^ agree.
Feels like there is a pattern here. BIL bossy and controlling and feels aggrieved at your DP's lack of effort. Your DP responds in slightly teenage way then withdraws, aggrieved at his brother asserting control.

Sounds as though they will either converse about this pattern at some point, or (more likely) become more distant then sever communication once their mum dies.

Either way I wouldn't make a big deal about this to his mum now or at the funeral. I would just hire a slightly ill fitting jacket and take it off as soon as funeral service is over.

Haven't read all the way through OP,appolgies.

Sorry for your DP's and Your loss.We lost my Mum just over a year ago,honestly I didn't care what anyone wore and neither did my Father or my Husband and we were the 3 people my Mum was the most closest to in the whole word.

The pall Bearers were provided by the funeral directors,none of our male relatives would have been able to carry my Mum as they were just all to devestated to be honest.

Of course your husband doesn't have to be a pall bearer,it's a really emotional thing to be asked to do.There's no way when I go that I would want any of our 3 sons or my husband to carry me,I know that would be beyond painful for any of them.

Nearly all the men in our family are really big built,were talking like 60 inch chest,all of them are 6ft or a lot over 6ft.Some of them didn't wear a suit jacket.They wore black troussers,a white shirt,black tie and black shoes.

We didn't care what they wore,as long as they were in black.They're quite traditional in our family,older parents and they had older parents.But apart from that,suit jacket or not as long as they were there to celebrate my amazing mothers life that's all that mattered.

He is sorting out the whole funeral because he has taken over the whole shibang, just like he has done everything else.

This is the problem. It's not about suits but sibling rivalry and grief. Surely the person you should all be concerned about is your MIL? FWIW I've recently organised my father's funeral so am sympathetic to your DP and BIL's feelings. Please don't let this escalate into a great row. My opinion is that your DP should hire a suit similar to the rest of the pall bearers and get on with it. My two sons spend their lives in ripped jeans but both donned a black suit white shirt and black tie. One even got his long hair cut for the funeral.

I completely understand that your dh will feel uncomfortable in a suit - I don't do the dressing up thing either & felt a complete numpty at my dad's funeral. However, I did 'look the part', I scrubbed up well & there was nothing anyone could say (for once) about me. I know my Mum was 'proud' to have us all turn up & make the effort for Dad & in truth 'appearances sake'. I know it shouldn't, but sometimes it does matter. And people do notice and will comment.
Funerals are never easy things, heightened emotions can make the most trivial thing seem hugely important. I would be inclined to just wear the suit - for the service, he can whip off jacket/tie after. To some people, at things like this it really does matter, I wouldn't give bil anything to comment about & just try and get through the day.
Hope it goes ok

I'm sorry - if this is going to be a formal funeral, it isn't about the mourners wearing what they'll feel comfortable in. It's about dressing to show respect to the deceased.

This applies especially to the immediate family. Some distant cousin or workmate could get away with not wearing a suit, but not the son of the deceased. The black shirt is even worse. That's not even formal office wear.

I couldn't afford suits for my teenage boys when their grandfather died so hired them for the occasion. It's just what you have to do.

Everyone has to do difficult things when there's a death in the family. Your dh should be mature enough to make an effort for his father and try not to let his feelings about his brother put more of a burden on his grieving mother.

i think if your BIL has done all the hard work, supported his parents, while your dp has done bugger all, and barely even lifted the phone, then I think now is NOT the time to be making a stand against suits, and about whether he really wanted to be a pallbearer or not.
Noone wants to be a pallbearer surely. Its the final thing you can do for someone to show respect at a funeral, and I think your dp needs to suck it up. Put a suit on and carry his fathers coffin

It sounds like your DP has taken a back seat as far as his parents are concerned, so BIL is stepping up to the mark. I'm not sure why BIL is getting such a hard time. It's difficult when one sibling quite clearly isn't interested.

Why isn't your DP with his mum right now, offering emotional and practical support? Has he been to see her or spoken to her since FIL's death? Why isn't he there ,with BIL, saying "right, where are we up to with the funeral, what can I do to help, what still needs to be organised?"

If the only thing your DP has to do during this is to wear a suit for 45 minutes, then I think he needs to suck it up and wear a suit.

OP, I think your BIL is a bit out of line dictating what your DH should wear. No-one should be forced to feel uncomfortable at a time like that. But it's not the time to antagonise each other either, when everyone's upset and stressed, so he should probably just go with hiring a suit, take the jacket off as soon as he possibly can, and get on with things. It's not that big a deal really and no-one wants a disagreement over clothes to be people's abiding memory of your FIL's funeral.

a black suit and tie is standard for a funeral. It isnt as though your dp has been instructed to wear fancy dress or a bloody clown costume.

For general funeral attendance, I don't think anyone really cares. Most recent occasions I've attended: At MIL's, FIL wore black trousers plus regular non-formal short-sleeved shirt, husband wore formal three-piece suit, BIL wore jeans and shirt. At uncle's, there were lots of trousers/shirt/jumper combos (including a pall bearer) and at least two jeans/fleeces/walking boots (my cousins).

I would say though, that as pall bearer, I think smart trousers and semi-formal top half is appropriate. Not sure why....It's a honour/privilege to carry someone in their death, and I think that should be recognised by those doing it. (That probably sounds wierd)

My dh is a funeral director. He obviously sees a lot of funerals, and he feels that generally there is no set dress code. Even when members of the family act as pallbearers in his experience they do not normally match clothes wise.

Is your dh much shorter than the others? There needs to be similar height ideally or he may not be carrying anyway, the others would shoulder all the weight. Just a thought..

Surely it's the least your Dh could do?
By your own admission he hasnt been there for his family...is wearing a suit for a few hours really too much trouble?

I think it is quite unfair to say that my DP hasn't been interested in his parents, as it is simply not true.

Yes he could have called more. We don't live locally and since FIL has been in a care home (and not wanted to see anyone apart from MIL and BIL) it has become awkward to visit - we have visisted but maybe we could have visited more. Money for petrol has been an issue (yes we are that hard up that £50 for a round trip is a big deal so when the visit can only be for an hour or two, it does make it awkward. We try to combine it with a family day out if we can. As far as the phone calls go - phones work both ways, DP does phone his mum, just not every night, he couldn't anyway because you can never get thrugh as she chats to her sister every night until past midnight.

The BIL deliberately kept things from DP, keeping him out of the loop. We discovered that on the morning FIL passed away the nurse at the home called BIL and indicated that it would be a very good idea to get there as soon as possible. The phone call that DP recieved from BIL was that FIL was not well and not expected to recover in the long term. We were on holiday but within reasonable driving distance. DP told BIL that he would visit when we got back (as this would have meant leaving me and DD in the middle of nowhere as i don't drive and would have had to stay with the tent) so it seemed the sensible thing to do - however, had DP known that his father was unlikely to survive the day he would have gone and we would have managed. The FIL had recently had a call, my DP was not informed AND he had spoken to his mother since it happened. So he has deliberately pushed out of this side of things. His sister lives close by and has done nothing, yet the ire seems to be directed at my DP.

There should have been a conversation about attire because in all honesty i dont really know how important it is to BIL. He may well just shrug his shoulders and be fine, or me may be extremely upset. I don't know because no one will have a bloody conversation. DP now feels unwelcome and unable to ask these questions.

I absolutely agree the the arrangements should be as BIL sees fit and we wouldnt dream of making suggestions. DP's offers of help to clear FILs belongings, calling distant relatives etc were turned down flat. So it isn't like he isn't interested. I am quite upset that people think this.

is wearing a suit for a few hours really too much trouble? no, it isn't too much trouble, but due to DP's odd shape a suit that fits is going to be expensive and we just do not have the money. We are struggling to make our mortgage repayments this month. BIL however is on compassionate leave with full pay, my DP has not been able to take any time off work at all. I WILL buy DP a suit from my work money that i was saving for xmas, but it just seems such an unimportant detail. It is just another symptom of BIL throwing his weight around.

a fall, not a call

By your own admission your Dh has not been involved. That was his choice.
Don't blame the bil, who has been doing the lions share.
It's always hard when unexpected expenses crop up, but for gods sake, it's his mothers funeral.
At the end of the day, your bil cannot force your Dh to wear a suit.
Grief makes people act in odd ways. Your bil is probably trying to control his grief by controlling aspects of the funeral.

I am the sibling that has to organised and arrange everything.
My siblings, despite living closer to my mum, hardly ever visit and onlythen when they want something.
When my father died 2 years ago my sister was abroad, my mum had a heart attack though grief and shock and my brother decided to go on a 3 day bender.
I did everything....none of them even managed to come up with a hymn for the funeral.
I was also dads executor so handled all that too.
Maybe they think I take control too.
But the fact is, someone has to.

(And no, I wouldn't have given a toss what they wore. I just wish that they could have made some suggestions towards remembering a man we all loved for 40 years)

My late dad was a similar shape to your Dh.
Try Matalan if you decide to go for a suit - quite cheap.