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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get the whole getting married thing

293 replies

Snoozebox · 27/08/2015 11:22

I know I am ignorant about the legal benefit side of things. I need advising!

Seriously, what are the advantages of getting married as opposed to just living with a partner?

I find the whole furore over the actual wedding ceremony just bizarre. I can't get my head around making a public celebration over a relationship which is mostly private. I don't get why we even need marriage in our modern society. I thought living together is commitment enough Confused

AIBU? Someone explain to me why marriage is special, please!

OP posts:
gymboywalton · 27/08/2015 11:26

well i don't think living together is anything like as big a commitment as marriage.

l;egally you are in a much better position if you are married.www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/
this link covers most of it.

i think if you love someone enough to live with them and have children with them then you love someone enough to marry them. You don't have to have a public wedding-you can go to a registar and do it with just 2 witnesses

PennyHasNoSurname · 27/08/2015 11:27

If I am in an accident and lay in critical condition in hospital my Boyfriend couldnt call up for an update. My Husband could.

If I die, and have savings but no will, the money wouldnt go to my Boyfriend. It would go to my Husband.

If my Husband dies or is in an accident - ditto.the above.

If me or my Husband dies, the other becomes a Widow. Not "my Boyfriend died".

Costacoffeeplease · 27/08/2015 11:30

Marriage gives you legal protection and rights over property, finance and assets in case of death or divorce, it also protects the children

Gatehouse77 · 27/08/2015 11:31

We got legally married (having had a non-legal ceremony of our choosing) because of three things...

  1. Married tax allowance - no longer relevant
  2. To ensure DH's rights as a father - no longer relevant
  3. To not have to pay Death Duty - not sure if still relevant

Personally, if there are children involved it makes sense to legally marry to protect both sides should there be a breakdown in the marriage.

Those reasons are NOT why we had a wedding; that was to share with family and friends our commitment to each other and a declaration of our love. And we had a fabulous day!

SouthAmericanCuisine · 27/08/2015 11:32

I think there's a great deal of confusion about the difference between a wedding - which is a public statement of commitment made between two people and a marriage, which is a legally binding contract.

It is quite possible to have one without the other - although the tradition still seems to be for both to be done together .

My DH and I entered into marriage as a legal contract - no one except us knew.

Several years later, we decided to publicly commit to each other in front of our DCs.
Two very different things, for very different reasons.

boovmoves · 27/08/2015 11:32

I never understand the mindset of why would you get married. Why wouldn't you want to get married?

ouryve · 27/08/2015 11:33

You can get married without a big showy wedding, you know. Many people do just that since marriage is about far more than the wedding.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 27/08/2015 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ouryve · 27/08/2015 11:35

Just like SouthAmericanCuisine, in fact :)

happymummyone · 27/08/2015 11:35

I totally understand why people marry. I want to. But I want to do the actual ceremony in the most low key, private way possible. I've never dreamed of the big white wedding. For me it's about the marriage not the wedding.

lorelei9 · 27/08/2015 11:35

I'm not entirely sure why you're asking

I don't see the appeal of marriage either partly because the legalities don't appeal

but legalities include

shared assets - (cue shudder if you divorce)
various tax benefits
automatically your next of kin

if you don't want it, don't do it. I certainly wouldn't.

Original poster
Snoozebox · 27/08/2015 11:36

I don't want to do the ceremony. I just find it embarrassing and it doesn't sit right with me as a tradition. Is it possible to enter into a legal marriage without having to say the vows?

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 27/08/2015 11:38

As a side note, I wrote my first will when I was 21 as I found out that without a will and being unmarried my assets would go to my parents and I was damned if my father was going to get anything of mine!

Writing a will and discussing organ donation/ life changing choices should be high on everyone's list IMO.

Sorry, as we were...Smile

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 27/08/2015 11:39

I've lived with a few people. I certainly wouldn't have married all of them!

BabyGanoush · 27/08/2015 11:39

you can just go to the registry office together.

You sound very young, did you really not know any of this?

Stokes · 27/08/2015 11:40

Marriage is just a way of legally recording your relationship so that you are each other's next of kin etc. It's important to me as I want my DH recognised legally as the foremost person in my life, and me in his.

A wedding is a fun party, not at all important. Although we had one and I loved it.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 27/08/2015 11:40

Yes it's possible. Registry office ceremony can be incredibly simple and you are just as married/protected.

Original poster
Snoozebox · 27/08/2015 11:43

I'm above the average age for marriage!

My parents never married, and I've been to very few weddings. Most of my friends live together with vague intentions of getting married if they have children. Therefore I don't have much experience of getting excited over weddings/being married beyond the fluff on social media.

I don't want to go to a registry office either, BabyGanoush. If there is a contract we can just sign and send off, so much the better!

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 27/08/2015 11:45

oh wait - you are okay with marriage but not with weddings?

just go to the register office then. My boss did that and she was a bit annoyed because they like to pretty it up and do music but in the end she just had to laugh about it. She would also have signed a piece of paper if that was an option.

but it's not traumatic even for a wedding hater. I would suggest getting 2 witnesses who won't be all misty eyed. Hopefully you can find at least 2 among your friends but yes, you do need to buy them lunch after, so maybe just get 2 strangers off the street.

MamaLazarou · 27/08/2015 11:51

No, you can't get married without having a registrar, priest/vicar, officiant there, at least.

Amazing that a grown adult doesn't know that! Sending off a form, indeed.

BertrandRussell · 27/08/2015 11:55

No need to get married. Go to a solicitor, make sure that you are all protected in case of break up or death, then just carry on as before.

SallyStarbuck · 27/08/2015 11:56

In theory you can replicate a lot of the legal protection of marriage through separate contracts.

You can get powers of attorney, both medical and financial, to ensure you are the person making decisions for your OH.

You can ensure all bank accounts are joint, and that all insurance and pension payouts go to your OH (nowadays most let you nominate the beneficiary). Ditto any death in service payments from your workplace.

You can draw up and sign a cohabitation agreement with a lawyer, which is sort of like a prenup and makes it very clear who owns what and what financial responsibilities you have towards each other if you split, particularly if children are involved.

You can ensure your will makes the same very clear.

But the above costs money. A lot more money than a simple registry service with two strangers off the street as witnesses.

Also, at the moment inheritance tax has different thresholds for non-married couples, so you could lose out there by not being married. And you aren't eligible for a widows/widowers pension. And if you separate, the partner who earns more doesn't owe financial support for the other parent if there are any children, which they do if you are married.

We're not married by choice. We have all the above; inheritance tax is currently not an issue. But if we didn't know lawyers who did this for us for free, I probably would have insisted we married (against both of our wills) for the legal protection.

If none of that applies to you, you trust each others family to know you are each others next of kin, and the finances aren't a worry, then you're fine.

bikeandrun · 27/08/2015 12:00

Marriage is probably cheaper than going to a solicitor though!(£65 registrar fees from memory 12 years ago)

CaveMum · 27/08/2015 12:02

It will cost a few hundred pounds at most to have a quick ceremony at the local registry office. Just you, your partner and two witnesses. You need to say the vows in front of an official because they need to know that you are entering the marriage of your own free will.

Yes you can replicate a lot of the protections offered through marriage via a solicitor and legal documents, but this will cost considerably more and won't protect you from things like Inheritance Tax.

Thelushinthepub · 27/08/2015 12:02

I find this discussion really odd. People who claim not to care obviously do, because if you didn't care you wouldn't, if you see what I mean. We don't associate such feelings, positive or negative to any other contract- buying a house or getting a job say. There might be parts you aren't keen on but you don't get the whole contract re written.

Re how to get married this is easily googleable Hmm of course you can't send off a form. It is a public commitment, it has to be taken in public.

Personally I'm a massive fan of marriage and find it hard to understand your objections