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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get the whole getting married thing

293 replies

Snoozebox · 27/08/2015 11:22

I know I am ignorant about the legal benefit side of things. I need advising!

Seriously, what are the advantages of getting married as opposed to just living with a partner?

I find the whole furore over the actual wedding ceremony just bizarre. I can't get my head around making a public celebration over a relationship which is mostly private. I don't get why we even need marriage in our modern society. I thought living together is commitment enough Confused

AIBU? Someone explain to me why marriage is special, please!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 27/08/2015 12:03

You don't actually need to go to a solicitor- you can do it yourself. But I don't want to be the person who suggests that and someone gets it wrong!

DawnOfTheDoggers · 27/08/2015 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lorelei9 · 27/08/2015 12:05

Thelush " People who claim not to care obviously do, because if you didn't care you wouldn't, if you see what I mean. "

I don't see....Grin do you mean if you didn't care you wouldn't get married?

you might not care for the other aspects of marriage but still do it for tax reasons, I know people who have done that.

SallyStarbuck · 27/08/2015 12:05

I think you can, Bertrand. You can certainly get the PoA forms and a template cohabitation agreement and will and complete them yourselves. The cohab agreement and will should be lodged with a solicitor though, I think, just to be sure. Also they really do need to be looked through by a solicitor to make sure what you've put in them is legal and makes sense. And I suspect that they need to be signed/notarised by a lawyer and a witness to show that you've made them in sound mind etc.

That's what costs money for a lot of people - unless you happen to know someone who works in that area and can do it for you. But technically you can do a lot yourself.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 27/08/2015 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SallyStarbuck · 27/08/2015 12:07

People who claim not to care obviously do, because if you didn't care you wouldn't, if you see what I mean

No, sorry Confused

Queeltie · 27/08/2015 12:10

In terms of next of kin, you can nominate who you want. The hospital simply asked me who my next of kin was. You can easily, and should make a will anyway, and if you buy a house together, the split will be recorded on your deeds. The only benefits are small, basically entitlement to a widowers pension.

I totally reject the idea that getting married means you are more committed. And I agree that legally binding contracts should not exist for what is a private relationship.

tobee · 27/08/2015 12:18

Having gone to lots of weddings which pretty quickly ended in divorce (I feel like sort of bad omen now), I certainly don't think marriage necessarily means more commitment.

My mum was constantly on at me for years to get married after 2 kids and over 25 years together for financial reasons. She kept saying we should just go off and do it with no fuss, no guests, la, la, la but when we did that, for very specific reasons, she was very upset and hurt that she wasn't invited. Even where you think you've got a cool mum who dislikes ceremony, underneath it all, relatives seem to think they have a right to be there.

Lweji · 27/08/2015 12:21

Mostly as a legal contract. Most relevant if one partner is to stay at home. And I wouldn't advise anyone to become a sahp without being married.

Thelushinthepub · 27/08/2015 12:22

Sorry to clarify- I mean if you genuinely didn't care about marriage you wouldn't attach any feelings to it.

If someone said you can go to a solicitor but it will cost quite a bit and if the solicitor makes an error it could be worthless; or, you could get married it would cost less and you are guaranteed to be protected in law surely your answer would be right, let's nip down the registry office, not I don't want to say vows etc. that IS caring.

maybebabybee · 27/08/2015 12:25

You do get way more legal benefits if married and I will marry DP for this reason (in a couple of years though, I am currently pregnant) however I don't think it's fair this should be the case.

If I had equal rights without being married I wouldn't bother with it.

Dismalfuckers · 27/08/2015 12:27

My friend's partner sadly died suddenly. She had no rights to register his death, arrange his funeral, receive updates from officials nor inherit anything.

She had to check with his mother before even keeping or disposing of personal effects as she was not entitled to them.

It made a terrible time even worse.

SallyStarbuck · 27/08/2015 12:30

I mean if you genuinely didn't care about marriage you wouldn't attach any feelings to it.

Hmm, I don't quite agree with that. You can not care for marriage and still have quite a lot of strong feelings about it. As Queeltie puts it, I also don't agree with legal contracts regulating private relationships. So you can disagree, for yourself and your relationship, with the concept of marriage and be exceedingly reluctant to get married. It's not as simple as a) likes the idea of marriage and wants to be married, and b) doesn't care about marriage and therefore, by your interpretation, should do it because it's not a matter of importance to them.

However yes, caring is definitely that if one partner genuinely wants or needs marriage for the greater legal protection (ie as a SAHP), the other party should probably go ahead with it because they want their partner to feel secure.

BertrandRussell · 27/08/2015 12:32

I feel strongly anti marriage. So yes, I do care about it.

Queeltie · 27/08/2015 12:33

Dismalfuckers - Sorry to hear that. Were they living together? Because you can name anyone as your next of kin in your hospital record.

Lottapianos · 27/08/2015 12:34

I get why people want to get married, for all the legal reasons people described above. I have huge problems with the historical sexist ownership baggage but I'm coming round a bit more to the idea myself these days.

Like you OP, and others on here, weddings leave me cold. Maybe its because DP and I are not at all close to our families, but the thought of loads of people looking at me saying vows make me cringe. If we ever do it, it will be a late evening ceremony in a registry office followed by drinks and dinner for us and a few other people. No all day affair, no dancing, no speeches, no first dance (dear god!), no white dress, no engagement, none of the squicky stuff. Tons of food and drink though Smile

bikeandrun · 27/08/2015 12:36

A lovely woman's partner did a runner after being with her for many years. She felt she didn't get anywhere near the sympathy or understanding( ie from work) she would have received if a husband had done the same, strangely she missed the satisfaction of being able to divorce him too! People minimised her experience as splitting up from her boyfriend.

BertrandRussell · 27/08/2015 12:45

Frankly, if a reason for getting married is to get more sympathy if you split up then I am even more opposed to marriGe than I was before!

lorelei9 · 27/08/2015 12:46

my experience has been that the theory of next of kin and the variable behaviour of hospitals makes it not so straight forward, sadly. It should be but it isn't.

Sidge · 27/08/2015 12:51

It's not until you get divorced that you realise just how valuable marriage can be.

As a woman, particularly one with children who is either not earning or earning less than her partner, living together without being married leaves you in a very vulnerable position indeed.

It is much quicker and cheaper to marry in a registry office than to see a solicitor to arrange the necessary legal protection.

By the way, you don't have to be married to be someone's next of kin in a medical situation - you can nominate whoever you like. However if death occurs then it becomes more complicated. Next of kin has no legal definition in the UK and whilst it means the closest blood relative it has no legal standing. Partners who cohabit can be recorded as NOK.

This is quite a useful summary of the difference legally between living together and being married.

bikeandrun · 27/08/2015 12:52

What I mean is having your relationship officially recognised is important to some people in good times, bad times, bereavement.My mum is proud to be the widow of my much loved father. This isn't important to everyone I think I would be to me too.

Dismalfuckers · 27/08/2015 12:53

Yes, Queeltie, they were living together.

He was not in hospital, it was a sudden unexplained death.

Next of Kin is not really a legal status, it is the nearest relative who has rights.

Luckily, the police officer dealing with it decided just to treat my friend as that, so she did get updates from them, but this could have changed should his mother have raised an issue with it.

specialsubject · 27/08/2015 12:56

A wedding has indeed been described as 'a very public statement of a very private intention'.

you do have to say vows and I also found it very cringey, pity it can't be done on forms but that's the rules. Only takes 15 mins. Costs have gone up since my day, (when the cost was more than offset by the married tax allowance and the cheaper car insurance!) but it is much cheaper than arranging all the similar legals without it. No, it doesn't stop either party doing a runner.

pick a cheap slot at the registry office and get it done. Jeans and t-shirts, two mates as witnesses, back to work afterwards if you want to save annual leave.

as others have said - wedding and marriage are NOT synonymous.

RedToothBrush · 27/08/2015 13:09

Is it marriage or a wedding you have a problem with? Or both?

Dixiechickonhols · 27/08/2015 13:21

www.solicitorsjournal.com/news/personal-injury/health-and-safety/fatal-accident-rules-no-breach-cohabitant%E2%80%99s-rights

Marriage would have made a lot of difference to this pregnant lady whose dp was killed at work.

Whilst you can attempt to replicate many of the protections it isn't fail safe eg wills can be changed.

Also whilst in the UK you can ask a hospital to treat dp as your next of kin legally there are rules as to who is your next of kin. Also if you are ill or die abroad then your dp may well not be accepted as next of kin.