To not get the whole getting married thing

[Snoozebox]

I know I am ignorant about the legal benefit side of things. I need advising!

Seriously, what are the advantages of getting married as opposed to just living with a partner?

I find the whole furore over the actual wedding ceremony just bizarre. I can't get my head around making a public celebration over a relationship which is mostly private. I don't get why we even need marriage in our modern society. I thought living together is commitment enough

AIBU? Someone explain to me why marriage is special, please!

For such an old and previously misogynistic institution ( think pre married woman's property act, legalised rape in marriage) marriage in the 21st century has a lot of benefits to women. Maybe it is these historical factors that still colour some women's views of marriage as an institution.Interestingly a lot of men's rights activists hate marriage which makes me think its not all bad!

It is the public nature of the wedding itself, I suppose. Difficult to put it into words. I just find the fact a relationship is a very private thing and yet society forces couples to do a ceremony and be recognised publically for being in that relationship. It's like society is putting a label or perception on what should be a very individual experience, and I find that distasteful.

I suppose I've read too many horror stories about marriages and encountered too many stereotypes about married couples too, which doesn't help. The image that comes to my mind about a couple who are 'in a relationship' is a lot more diverse to me than a couple who are 'married', which is a shame.

Just get married with 2 witnesses you don't know. We did that and haven't seen the witnesses or registrar since.

Or don't get married at all. It's easy (if a bit time consuming) to get all the legal protections in place without the marriage bit.

Getting married in front of family and friends to us was because we wanted to share our day with them but more than this it was to celebrate our love and make a commitment in front of family and friends in God's house.
We take our vows seriously and enjoyed "calling upon these people present....
You don't have to get married if you don't want to.

Go to the registry office with your partner and two friends. I'm getting married next year and that's what we're doing. I don't want a big public proclamation either, so I'm not going to have one.

I am not a legal expert at all, one of the reasons I went down the marriage route! If an umarried partner changes their will at some later date the partner is screwed. Hopefully this would never happen but I have read too many threads on this site about supposedly perfect dp/dhs having affairs, going to prostitutes or just leaving out the blue. Sorry if I sound cynical but the simple marriage certificate is a powerful thing for a woman with children.

We ran away and got on a plane and flew abroad and got married when we were teenagers. Most romantic thing that has ever happened to me I think!

As a woman, particularly one with children who is either not earning or earning less than her partner, living together without being married leaves you in a very vulnerable position indeed.

This, very very much.

I am anti marriage for me for many of the same reasons as the OP (public/legal declaration of a private relationship etc) but if either DP or I felt we had become a lower earner or at risk in some way due to our children, we'd be straight down the registry office with gritted teeth.

russell there are a few obscure family court rules that differ for a married stepparent than unmarried, which cannot be secured in any other way - but in general, I agree with you - although a quick reg office marriage is a lot cheaper than the solicitors fees!

I got married earlier this year in a registry office, we had three friends and it cost us around £250. It was nice and simple, took five minutes.

People often cite "1 in 3 marriages end in divorce" as an excuse not to get married, but that means the vast majority of marriages work out just fine!

Get married or don't get married, it's your choice. It doesn't have to be a public ceremony, like another poster said just ask two people off the street to be your witnesses. You don't even have to tell your friends or family that you are doing it. Hell you don't even have to tell them after the fact if you don't want to! There's no obligation to change your name or do anything differently, you'll just have that added bit of security for a fraction of the cost of a solicitors advice.

FYI, the cheapest registry office wedding my local council offer totals £220 for a ceremony on a Monday-Thursday between 9am and 10.30am. That's the ceremony fee, the notice fees and certificates all in one. Bob's your uncle!

The 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce compared to the length of time cohabiting couples remain together after children arrive.

I know plenty of unmarried couples who have been together for years and years, and plenty of married couples who have split up after months or only a year or two.

Being married does not guarantee a stable relationship . I understand the legal implications, but it is in no way indicative of how good the relationship is.

I think it is outdated.

I u der stand the legal protection marriage can offer, but still feel it was devised by the church to make money.

Before people had official marriages they lived as man and wife anyway then the church got in on the act to make money.

Rather like card manufacturers helping to promote Father's Day which does not have the same significance as Mothering Sunday. Or chocolate manufacturers with Easter eggs.

I do feel that you should not have to be married to share your wealth with someone but understand the legal mindfield thst can ensue.

One thing I've noticed is as the number of church weddings falls and people are more inclined to have a civil ceremony, hen and stag dos seem to have gotten ott.

Again you can buy all manner of things to do with what used to be a simple affair.

YABU to not 'get' marriage but YANBU to not want it.

I don't want to get married so I must accept the legal ramifications should the worst happen.

Far from being easy to get all the legal protections in place outside marriage, it's actually impossible. If, for example, you want to be able to transfer your unused IHT allowance to your partner, the only way to do this is to marry them. Not all the provisions are relevant to everyone, and some people are if anything better off not being married, but let's not perpetrate the fiction that a solicitor can do the same job as a marriage certificate. They can't. With that said, if you are going to go that route rather than getting married, ffs do actually use a solicitor. Don't DIY.

Also, whoever said you have to make vows when you get married, tha's wrong. You don't.

I agree with Liesel Even if 2 people make shadow wills, these can be independently (and secretly) changed at any time so one half of a couple can be left with nothing. You can't just write your spouse out of your will (or rather, you can, but its very easy to challenge that).

You do have to make some kind of declaration/vows when getting married. It is a legal requirement. From the CAB website:

"Each partner is required to repeat a standard set of promises. These may not be changed, but may be added to, as long as the additions are not religious."

It is not enough to just sign some forms. If it were a civil partnership, it would be possible to sign forms without a verbal declaration.

Agree with all that's been said about the protection marriage offers, it is the simplest way to protect both partners and the children.

But I have a question.....who ever checks if you are actually married? Have any of you ever been asked to actually prove you are married by a hospital, the inland revenue, the benefits office, a solicitor? I never have so surely I could tell them anything I like?

Yes, it's considerably easier to disinherit an unmarried partner than a spouse. Obviously some people will see this as a positive, others a negative. On the subject of wills, it's especially important for unmarried couples to have valid ones because the intestacy provisions barely cover them. Hence my comment about needing a solicitor.

You do have to say something yes jake, but it doesn't have to be vows.

Nowahousewife, I guess you could but if you were hoping to gain financial advantage from it, it could be fraud. A solicitor wouldn't ask to see your marriage certificate if eg you went in and made a will. They'd assume you were telling the truth about your marital status, same as if you went in and said you were unmarried and wanted advice on alternative legal protections. You do have to show proof of marriage if you're trying to benefit from the intestacy provisions though. Hospital, dunno. Suspect you could get away with it if nobody ratted you out! I'd still get an NOK anyway though. DWP/HMRC etc, yes they sometimes ask for proof when claiming spousal benefits or allowances. I recently signed up online to transfer some of my unused personal allowance to DH, which you need to be married to do. Not tried doing it for someone I'm not married to!

Should've said 'could try' above.

It has never happened to me but I have heard several sad cases of long-term partners being denied access to the bedside (or in one case funeral ) of a critically ill loved one by other family members. Your parents and children are your next of kin unless you are married.