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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not get the whole getting married thing

293 replies

Snoozebox · 27/08/2015 11:22

I know I am ignorant about the legal benefit side of things. I need advising!

Seriously, what are the advantages of getting married as opposed to just living with a partner?

I find the whole furore over the actual wedding ceremony just bizarre. I can't get my head around making a public celebration over a relationship which is mostly private. I don't get why we even need marriage in our modern society. I thought living together is commitment enough Confused

AIBU? Someone explain to me why marriage is special, please!

OP posts:
ScarletRuby · 27/08/2015 18:11

What is it about these threads that makes people think they have the right to judge others relationships?

SouthAmericanCuisine · 27/08/2015 18:36

lily it's not just finances. DH and I got married (after a brush with mortality) because we wanted to be sure that he would still remain a part of my DDs life if she wanted him to be.
Without marriage, DH would have to seek permission from the court before he could apply for a contact order (in the event that my DDs dad refused). Our marriage gave the protection that, should anything happen to me, he can apply for contact.

scarlets · 27/08/2015 19:54

I've knocked about on parenting sites for years. Alarm bells ring when posters talk about their boyfriends not wanting to marry them i.e not a joint decision. I know that some folk, male and female, have genuinely deeply-held feelings against marriage, but when a guy in particular says that he "doesn't believe" in it, that they're "fine as we are" or that it's "just a piece of paper" I'm suspicious that he's just not really sure of her as a long-term partner.

It's more prevalent in lower socioeconomic groups I think, which is all the more worrying for the woman. It's easy to be right-on about the pointlessness/anachronism of marriage when you're working as a dentist or an accountant, have a ton of cash in an ISA, and your name on the house deeds (I fall into this category and didn't marry for ages, by the way, because it irritates me a bit, for many reasons, that marriage is still a thing).

Some rich oaf once tweeted, "if it flies, fucks or floats, rent it don't buy it"....I get concerned when this sort of attitude is displayed amongst less well-off people, because those women will probably be in real trouble.

So, my advice to OP is to do whatever is necessary to protect her interests. Bear in mind that is no such thing as a common law wife; an unmarried woman is a girlfriend, and a girlfriend has no current legal status, unfortunately.

lorelei9 · 27/08/2015 19:59

scarlets " because those women will probably be in real trouble. "

not if they use some common sense.

scarlets "an unmarried woman is a girlfriend, and a girlfriend has no current legal status, unfortunately"

thank goodness for that - otherwise why be a girlfriend?!

iwouldgoouttonight · 27/08/2015 20:15

I still don't understand why marriage benefits women more than men? If a man is the SAHP does it benefit/protect him more than the woman?

BabyGanoush · 27/08/2015 20:20

Yes Iwould

But more likely it's the woman who SAH for longer.

If the man buggers off and leaves his SAH partner and kids, he will have to pay alimony.

Same if it's the other way around.

It protects the sah-partner M/F

ditherydora · 27/08/2015 20:22

I've never understood the attraction of weddings or marriage. Even as a little girl I didn't want the whole white dress and big party thing. And if I am honest I haven't really enjoyed any of the weddings I have gone to - and I do love a good party.

I can see that for some people marriage offers security but that wouldn't really apply to me.

Having said all that I did finally say to DP the other day, after 12 years, that I could see myself marrying him at some point. So perhaps my views are changing with old age!

CaveMum · 27/08/2015 20:23

What BabyGanoush said.

Plus being married means an automatic entitlement to a share of the assets of the marriage - the house, savings, etc. Particularly important when a lot of SAHP don't seem to be named on mortgages/deeds.

BabyGanoush · 27/08/2015 20:32

Everyone should do as they please.

As long as they make their decision based on the correct facts and legalities.

Too many people believe the "common law wife" myth.

I know a couple who never married. They split costs. He paid off the mortgage. She paid other bills. They had 2 children. When he left, he got to keep the house. She had nothing but a pile of paid bills. She thought surely the law could not be that unfair?! But it was. It is. Don't be that woman.

I am old enough to have seen to many couples who did not want to get married, it often end up shite for the woman. Men seem better able to look after their own financial interests.

It is scandalous that men get away with fathering children and are able to leave them and not pay for them. But that is the law (designed by mainly men...)

LilyTucker · 27/08/2015 21:06

Cave it isn't that hard to get joint accounts of mortgages.

I'd be kind of worried if my partner needed marriage to ensure all was shared equally.

moopymoodle · 27/08/2015 21:14

We got married recently and it really cemented the relationship for us.

People take married couples more seriously, I know it's ridiculous but they do. I've been turned down for 1 night at a B&B before as it was last minute and I guess they assumed we was wanting the room for casual sex. In labour I was treat like a child at the ages of 22 and 25 due to been a miss, they automatically made all sorts of asumptions which really annoyed me.

We didn't get married for those reasons though, we did it as we wanted to be together forever and declare that. The wedding is a celebration of that pledge, mt wedding day was definitely one of the best days of my life :)

I won't list all the legal practicalities as others already have

thehypocritesoaf · 27/08/2015 21:19

Hmm, I've never been taken more or less seriously due to marital status. How would anyone know when in labour or booking a B and B?

LilyTucker · 27/08/2015 21:19

Bollocks. In 25 years and 3 children we have never been treated less seriously than our married friends and family.Why would we?Nobody gives a shit if a couple is married or not. We want to be together forever and don't need a piece of paper to cement that fact.

SouthAmericanCuisine · 27/08/2015 21:29

moopy as someone who was married for over 2 years without anyone knowing, and then going public, I agree that some people treat a married couple differently from an unmarried one.

I've been surprised at what a difference it makes, tbh, even though one of the main reasons we didn't tell anyone was because I didn't want DHs parents to start behaving hypocritically and pretending that they liked me - which they would have done, had they known that we'd got married Grin

We are clearly considered more respectable by certain acquaintances and business associates now that they know we are married - they've even been as honest it say that "they never really knew how to refer to me", even though DH and I still refer to each other as partners, not husband and wife. People we've just met, who may not realise we are married (no rings, different surnames) are often told "they are married, you know" by other people, too.

Very odd.

LilyTucker · 27/08/2015 21:36

We obviously thankfully move in different circles. I have never ever come across that and find it hard to believe tbf.

Nobody cares a jot what pieces of paper couples have.

ScarletRuby · 27/08/2015 21:38

I think you're right SouthAmericanCuisine it does make a difference to some people, they're just not the type of people I would want to be friends with. Or give a fuck about what they think

thehypocritesoaf · 27/08/2015 21:40

Well, people who do care, sound like twats. I have no interest in impressing twats.

bikeandrun · 27/08/2015 22:14

If marriage is so unimportant why have people fought so hard for gay marriage and the rights it affords couples.( it would be great for heterosexual couples who find the traditional of marriage off putting to be have a civil partnership if they prefered )

lorelei9 · 27/08/2015 22:46

Bikeandrun, it was the equality of marriage being available to all that was important to me.

PrimalLass · 27/08/2015 23:38

No, you can't get married without having a registrar, priest/vicar, officiant there, at least. Amazing that a grown adult doesn't know that! Sending off a form, indeed.

But why the hell not?

LemonySmithit · 27/08/2015 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rainuntilseptember15 · 27/08/2015 23:49

If marriage could be done in private by sending a piece of paper off, could you really be sure that the people involved were consenting? If I could forge their signature, could I marry anyone I liked?

MrsLupo · 28/08/2015 00:46

DP and I have been together nearly 20 years and have kids. Neither of us wanted to get married. In my experience, marriage doesn't per se keep couples together, and if it does then, as the offspring of parents who stayed together 'for the sake of the children', that is sadder still, imo. I also very much didn't want to take my place in the long historical tradition of women being married off by men to other men for the purposes of sealing deals of various sorts. DP would happily have got married if I'd wanted to, but completely understood and respected my position.

We have a jointly owned home and mortgage, joint finances, and a joint share in a business as well as a business each of our own. DP is named on the kids' birth certificates and in parental responsibility agreements (no longer relevant). We have life insurances written into trust for each other and naming the kids as second tier beneficiaries if we should die at the same time, negating inheritance tax concerns. The only expense any of this incurred was a nominal notarising fee - a marriage licence would have been more - and none of it was rocket science to figure out.

A lot of bollocks is talked about consent in medical situations. NOK is an administrative concept in this context, not a legal one. The reality is that no one, whether a spouse, parent or anything else, is entitled to make medical decisions on behalf of anyone else. In the event that a patient can't make their own choices/decisions, a medical team will act in the best interest of the patient. Family views would obviously be considered, to the extent that that is (medically) appropriate. Married versus unmarried partners would not be distinguished between in this situation. If you want to be sure that a doctor will discuss your medical care with someone else (i.e. not refuse on the grounds of confidentiality), just sign a letter giving that consent, have it placed on your GP notes and carry a copy in your wallet. That applies equally even if you're married.

If we could have had a civil partnership, we probably would have. That said, I was married previously (I had no choice, as we came from different countries), and when we split up, a bad situation was made much worse by the fact of having to go through the process of legally justifying our separation, and having the details form part of a (theoretically) public record. I agree with previous posters who feel that a relationship should be essentially a private arrangement. Although I can see that there may be situations where marriage affords particular legal protections, I am glad I'm not in that position.

newbian · 28/08/2015 02:09

Marriage is the best protection over assets and parental rights if you ever plan to move abroad as a couple. We are living abroad now and want to write a will, it turns out that any will we write in the country where we live probably doesn't apply at home. Besides the fact that I wouldn't have gotten a visa to join DH if we hadn't been legally married in the first place. So writing a will in the UK doesn't do enough to protect your wishes globally.

Mehitabel6 · 28/08/2015 07:33

If you are not married you need to make sure that you have been to a solicitor and get it all drawn up legally. My solicitor was responsible for 7 couples getting married last year- it is so much cheaper! There are also real little oddities that you wouldn't really think about.
I was in the garden last week and couldn't help overhearing the conversation in the next garden where assumptions were being made about 'rights' if you were not married. I kept quiet but I felt like shouting out 'you are completely wrong!'.