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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to still go on Holiday, without DSD??

474 replies

ViVeriVeniversumVivusVicii · 26/08/2015 23:54

DSD (12) was due to arrive here today, until the end of the school holidays, as we are going on holiday on Friday, for a week.
DSD has just returned from a holiday abroad with her DM, SF, and their own toddler DS.
We have received a message that DSD she can't come to us yet, as she's too poorly to travel. They finished their holiday, and then after the plane touched down, drove straight home, called their local doctor out, who had her transfered to hospital. She is really unwell, and has been for a WEEK, while on holiday. An infection has been untreated, and got worse as the days went on.
DH phoned his DD's Mum, who said she'd been unwell for a few days on their holiday, but she didn't get a doctor to come out- as it would have been too expensive. DH said the Insurance should have covered that? But she said it didn't ie, she went on holiday without insurance?
If those tables were turned, and we brought her back to her Mum ill, no doctor seen and no insurance, there would be an absolute war on.
But this is the real problem- we are going on our own family holiday on Friday morning.
DSD, is now too ill to travel. She will not be fit to fly, let alone enjoy a holiday.
Her cheeky DM, says we should postpone our holiday, until DD is well enough to come.
We have refused. We don't see why our 3 other children should be disappointed and miss their holiday, because their Sister's Mum refused to seek treatment for her when she actually needed it? She would have been better by now, this was totally avoidable. Now DSD is back in the UK, too ill to have a holiday with us, we are being called every name under the sun, becuase we are still continuing with the Holiday. It is paid for, and we intend on going. DSD has after all just had a holiday, 3 DCs here haven't.
I just wanted opinions if possible. Would you go?

OP posts:
Dancingquality · 27/08/2015 11:24

Fact is you will all miss her on holiday because you all love her, not going will not change that.

Fact is it's pretty brilliant of you all to have invited DSD along in the first place on your family holiday because you all get on so well.

Fact is you are in this situation because you have a DH who is a caring dad and you are a caring step mum.

Ignore the haters. DSD would be upset to be causing all these comments and although sad at not going would not want to deny you all your holiday.

Lj8893 · 27/08/2015 11:26

"Fact is it's pretty brilliant of you all to have invited DSD along in the first place on your family holiday because you all get on so well."

How is that brilliant? Dsd is part of the family so of course she would have been "invited" on the holiday, just standard parenting, nothing brilliant about it at all.

halcyondays · 27/08/2015 11:27

The benefits to the dsd in cancelling are that her dad and stepmom can visit her in hospital and then she can still go on the family holiday with them, if they postpone it. How would she feel if they bugger off on holiday while she's ill in hospital, which means she misses out on the holiday?

Lj8893 · 27/08/2015 11:28

What would be happening if the mother (weather she caused the illness or not is irrelevant) had made plans for the week as she was expecting her dd to be with her father?

Fairenuff · 27/08/2015 11:28

OP I just wouldn't bother posting any threads on MN as a stepparent, you will be bashed to pieces whatever you do.

Firstly, that is clearly not true. If OP said that they were going to postpone the holiday so that they could all go, she would not be 'bashed' as you put it. Or if she said that dh was going to stay behind and a friend was going to go in his place to help out with the driving, etc.

Posters are only responding to OP because she asked them to: 'I just wanted opinions if possible. Would you go?'

However it seems from her reaction that she actually just wants people to agree with her Confused

Anyway OP, these are the questions that people are asking, for clarifiction

  1. Have you checked that the airline will let a 12 year old fly unaccompanied? If they won't, does that change your plan of having her join you later?

  2. Have you checked your own insurance to see if you can postpone your holiday?

  3. Is it your dh's week to have his dd and, if so, why does he think he can leave her?

If you could answer those questions, people will be able to engage with you more.

If you are just looking for affirmation that you are right, you won't get that I'm afraid because it's just not that straighforward, there is the girl to consider in all of this.

lunar1 · 27/08/2015 11:29

Lj, because step children should be grateful for any scrap of inclusion they get. And should unconditionally accept that they are not really anyone's priority.

thehypocritesoaf · 27/08/2015 11:29

In a normal parenting arrangement post divorce- one parent would say to the other 'I've got this- you go'. This is what I've said to my ex and ex has said to me on occasion.
The mum here sounds horrible.

Fairenuff · 27/08/2015 11:30

Oh and 4) What would you do if it was one of your own children in hospital?

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 27/08/2015 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lj8893 · 27/08/2015 11:34

Lunar, apparently so! And that's not me step-parenting bashing at all,I have the utmost respect for step parents, having been one myself previously. What I do bash though, is part time parenting.

SoupDragon · 27/08/2015 11:34

[yawn] at all the "oops, you should know better than post as a step parent, we are always wrong blah blah blah".

I would not go on holiday if a child of mine was in hospital.
I would judge the father for doing so.
The step parent is irrelevant.

FWIW, DS1 had pneumonia and ended up in hospital. He'd been ill for perhaps a week by the time he was hospitalised but even a GP seen in that week didn't pick it up. He perked up considerably with Calpol for most of that time so it was a surprise that he ended up in hospital. It is impossible to judge whether the mother was negligent or just thought her DD would shake it off.

Lj8893 · 27/08/2015 11:35

Exactly my point, cheeky. Although I'm sure some people on this thread would expect the mother to cancel her plans so the father can still go on the holiday.

nicknack9510 · 27/08/2015 11:35

If my dad had gone on holiday with my brothers whilst I was in hospital I would have been so hurt that I don't think I would ever have got over it. There are certain times when a person needs to be put first regardless of the rest of the family.

Thankfully these instances are very rare and in this case it isn't fair to the other 3 children, but do you really want to raise your children that believe that their own entitlement to a holiday with their dad trumps their sister's right to have her dad with her when she is seriously ill? (And the NHS do not admit unnecessarily, so she is seriously ill.)

You don't sound like you consciously consider your DSD to be separate from the rest of your family and I'm wondering if this isn't just your response to being bitterly disappointed that you are going to lose a much needed holiday. With 3 DC's and the daily struggle that dealing with ASD can present, a holiday becomes the light at the end of the tunnel and that can cloud your view and make you consider all kinds of alternatives that you wouldn't normally.

Life isn't fair and that sucks, it's harder for a child with autism to process that and again that sucks but I really don't see that you have a decision to make.

BoffinMum · 27/08/2015 11:36

If DSD's mum is a self-centred cow, she needs a bit of proper mothering all the more at that age, I imagine. Poor kid is falling between all the stools. I almost want to go over there and pick her up myself, and sort her out. Wink

Dancingquality · 27/08/2015 11:37

Who cares whether Dsd mother has plans for the week.

She didn't cancel her holiday early to come home and get OP Dsd straight to see a doctor, she stayed on holiday with her DD lying around ill all week without seeing a doctor the whole time because it cost to much. Hence the situation OP finds herself in.

browneyedgirl86 · 27/08/2015 11:39

As others have said if it's the stepdaughters week to spend with her dad she should?
Is he only a dad when his child is healthy and not disrupting plans? The eldest DC will be gutted, absolutely. I disagree a three year old and a baby under a year will be heart broken. A holiday is not as important as their sisters health.

Lj8893 · 27/08/2015 11:42

I appreciate all of that Dancing, but the mothers failings shouldn't give the father the excuse to bow out on being a parent for a week.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/08/2015 11:42

I think you should go. I think that you should arrange for your DSD to fly out and join you as soon as she possibly can; at 12, she will be well able to fly by herself, and can be treated as an unaccompanied minor. I'm sure she'll have a great time doing that!
If your DSD's mum is refusing to get her to the airport for whatever reason, then how hard would it be to get her a taxi?

I don't think you should postpone. It would cost a lot in monetary terms, and by the sound of it, in personal terms as well for your child with autism. That does not make you, or your DH, unreasonable - it makes you people who are trying to do the best for the biggest number of people in the equation.

Your DSD, god love her, might not even be well enough to join you at all - but at least if you set up the options for her to do so, she'll know that you want her there.

As for not getting her treated when necessary, words fail me :(

browneyedgirl86 · 27/08/2015 11:46

Fact is it's pretty brilliant of you all to have invited DSD along in the first place on your family holiday because you all get on so well.

Erm what? The Stepdaughter is a part of the family, it's her Father and siblings. Being invited doesn't deserve a pat on the back.
She is one of the family and should be treated as such.

Lj8893 · 27/08/2015 11:46

This thread seems to have turned into a who is being the most unreasonable, the mother or father.

When really it should be a thread about what is reasonable for the father to do for his dd as she is poorly and it is his contact time.

Forget the mother, she's obviously crap and nothing can be done about that. But even more reason for the father to step up.

QuintShhhhhh · 27/08/2015 11:48

I am not sure why OP thinks that just because the girls mum is a neglectful twat, this is a go ahead for the girls dad to also be one.

Should he not step up because her mum has been treating her shoddily, rather than take it is a a cue to jolly off on holiday with his new family leaving his dd in hospital.

Poor girl.

(No wonder step parents are given a hard time Wink )

LittleLionMansMummy · 27/08/2015 11:51

Shock and Angry at the idea that the dsd was 'invited' to go along on 'their' family holiday! With that attitude it's no wonder step parents get a bad press - she's his daughter ffs! Part of his family! God only knows the damage that is being done to the children of divorced parents.

My dsd is every inch a full part of our family. We don't 'invite' her to come to our home every weekend, she has two homes and a door key to let herself in at any time (she's 15). Although she has been on uk breaks with us she will come on holiday with us abroad for the first time next year with us and our ds - her brother. If she's in hospital we won't be going.

'Invited' indeed! Angry

pilates · 27/08/2015 11:52

God Op, you have had a really hard time on here.

Chances are DSD will be discharged in the next day or so to her home with her mum looking after her. What exactly can your DH do then?

maybebabybee · 27/08/2015 11:53

It seems to me that on MN the SC is expected to be treated favourably at all times even to the detriment of the other children, which is mad.

wannaBe · 27/08/2015 11:55

the thing is, it's only because this child is the op's stepchild that the possibility exists to leave her here and swan off on holiday without her.

If anyone posted on here that one of their children was ill, even if they weren't in hospital, and that they were thinking of leaving them with someone so the other kids didn't miss out on their holiday not one single poster would be saying "of course it would be unfair for your other children to miss out, you all go and have a good time and bring back a nice present for the poorly one you've left behind." This child isn't the op's biological child, so it is natural that the op will put her own children first. Her dh is the one in the wrong because he is prioritising his other children over her. Parenting isn't a competition where because one parent is shit and leaves the child without treatment the other one gets to come down to their level and be shit for leaving them behind so they can go off on holiday. If the mother is such an awful mother what is the father doing about it? oh yes that's right, going off on a family holiday and leaving the child behind with said shit mother.

If my ds were ill before due to go on holiday with his dad he would most likely say they should go because he would want to stay with me. But I can't imagine my ex would be happy to just go off on holiday and leave ds in hospital, that being said, if he did go it would be because he trusts me as a mother to look after ds, something which op's dh clearly doesn't, and yet is still more caught up in his own life than that of his own child.

It is always worth bearing in mind in these situations that the way the father is treating this child here is a very clear indication of how he will treat the op's children should they ever split. Op put your children in that situation, imagine their father goes off on holiday with his new family and leaves them behind and that will show you the kind of father he is.