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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to still go on Holiday, without DSD??

474 replies

ViVeriVeniversumVivusVicii · 26/08/2015 23:54

DSD (12) was due to arrive here today, until the end of the school holidays, as we are going on holiday on Friday, for a week.
DSD has just returned from a holiday abroad with her DM, SF, and their own toddler DS.
We have received a message that DSD she can't come to us yet, as she's too poorly to travel. They finished their holiday, and then after the plane touched down, drove straight home, called their local doctor out, who had her transfered to hospital. She is really unwell, and has been for a WEEK, while on holiday. An infection has been untreated, and got worse as the days went on.
DH phoned his DD's Mum, who said she'd been unwell for a few days on their holiday, but she didn't get a doctor to come out- as it would have been too expensive. DH said the Insurance should have covered that? But she said it didn't ie, she went on holiday without insurance?
If those tables were turned, and we brought her back to her Mum ill, no doctor seen and no insurance, there would be an absolute war on.
But this is the real problem- we are going on our own family holiday on Friday morning.
DSD, is now too ill to travel. She will not be fit to fly, let alone enjoy a holiday.
Her cheeky DM, says we should postpone our holiday, until DD is well enough to come.
We have refused. We don't see why our 3 other children should be disappointed and miss their holiday, because their Sister's Mum refused to seek treatment for her when she actually needed it? She would have been better by now, this was totally avoidable. Now DSD is back in the UK, too ill to have a holiday with us, we are being called every name under the sun, becuase we are still continuing with the Holiday. It is paid for, and we intend on going. DSD has after all just had a holiday, 3 DCs here haven't.
I just wanted opinions if possible. Would you go?

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 27/08/2015 10:37

I'm guessing it is not as easy as postponing the holiday without some big financial implications.

I'd speak to the Dr at the hospital and see what they think re likelihood of her being able to make any part of the holiday.

If that is not viable then I think you should all go as am guessing the money will be lost anyway - assuming insurance wouldn't cover total cost of the holiday???

Paddingtonsmarmaladesandwiches · 27/08/2015 10:38

If it makes you feel any better OP, I do think your step daughter's mother has acted dreadfully in neglecting her daughters health and well being to the stage that she has had to be hospitalised. Truly awful behaviour. Now, I also think your DH is behaving appallingly in even contemplating leaving the country whilst his daughter is ill enough to require hospital treatment. They are both equally awful. Now, does that make you feel better? The only one who actually deserves any sympathy is your poor step daughter.

You justify your own decision to go as your own kids would be disappointed/miss out. I wonder what you would think about your DSDs mum saying something like, we didn't get our DSD treated whilst away as we hoped it would be self limiting, in any case we didn't want to disappoint our toddler and ruin his only holiday by sitting in a doctors office/hospital/hotel room.........

Original poster
ViVeriVeniversumVivusVicii · 27/08/2015 10:38

because your husband isn't really a dad to her he's a Disney dad, only in it for the good times
Absolute Bollocks.
DH and I are there all the time. Good and bad, she had her appendix out 2 years ago, and it was DH that stayed in the hospital while her DM was on her own Hen Weekend. We are there consistently.

OP posts:
CiderwithBuda · 27/08/2015 10:39

Can you go and visit DSD in hospital and see what she thinks? She is old enough to understand and have a viewpoint.

If it is pneumonia she really may not feel up to doing anything for a few weeks and presumably school will be going back fairly soon so being well enough for that is obv important.

I really don't think it is wise for her to go at all - if she has just been ill enough to be in hospital her immune system will be weakened and being on a plane with recycled air and possible exposure to other bugs may mean she picks something else up.

I would talk to her and say you really want her to come and that it won't be the same without her and that you will really miss her but that you think for the other DCs you should still go.

SoupDragon · 27/08/2015 10:41

DH and I are there all the time. Good and bad

Well, you clearly aren't as you are planning to go away whilst she is in hospital.

AuntyMag10 · 27/08/2015 10:46

Honestly you should have known better than posting on this site regarding a step child. You are wrong no matter what. The selfish, stupid mother is the one entirely at fault here but your dh and you are under scrutiny. She neglected her child but you will be accused of it regardless.
Go on the holiday, absolutely unfair on your kids to miss out on this. If your dh wants to stay it's up to him. However the child is in hospital and has her mother, your dh can see to her when he is back.

Geraniumred · 27/08/2015 10:46

I would talk to her rather than on here and see what she would like to do. She might feel enormously guilty at the thought of you cancelling for her and would rather that you went. Or she might want DH around.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 27/08/2015 10:47

So you're criticising the mum for being gone while DSD was in hospital previously, and yet you're saying it should be fine for her father to be gone while she is in hospital.

You're not going to see this because you don't want to. All of you are putting your holidays first, and nobody is putting DSD first. Just sad.

Would you be okay with it if your DH went on a lads holiday while one of your dcs was in hospital? Hmm

juneau · 27/08/2015 10:48

OP you should know by now that as a SM you're going to be slated on MN, regardless of what you do! You sound like a very caring SM who is tied in knots about this, but you shouldn't be forced to cancel your holiday or disappoint your own three DC just because your DSD's mother was too bloody selfish and busy drinking cocktails by the pool on her own holiday to take her own DD to a doctor when she needed it. You and your DH are not responsible for this mess. I'd go and repeat your offer to fly DSD out when she's better so she can join you. That's the only reasonable and fair solution. And if DSD's mother is too selfish and spineless to accompany her DD to the airport to allow her to join you that's not your fault either.

Icimoi · 27/08/2015 10:49

There's not a chance in hell I would leave my child in hospital and go on holiday without them - and I would judge like billyo your dh if he did

But the reality is that if she is just getting antibiotics for a bronchial infection and is responding well to the antibiotics. The hospital will chuck her out as soon as possible, probably today. So the likelihood of OP's DH leaving his child in hospital is, in reality, minimal.

OP, if her mother can't or won't take her to the airport, is there anyone else who might be able to help - e.g. other friends or relatives? You could maybe pay for a taxi for them to see her on to the flight and make arrangements with the airline about her travelling as an unaccompanied minor.

Or can you manage another holiday at half term so that DSD has something to look forward to?

diddl · 27/08/2015 10:52

"You can't drive and need your DH with you."

Well depending on location, OP may be able to manage the journey & a couple of days alone, just doesn't want to.

If OP could/would go alone it would be the best compromise.

The downside not knowing for sure if/when her husband & sd could join her.

But does OP not being able to drive & needing her husband for that really count for more than his daughter being in hospital & needing him??

And him wanting to be there for his daughter??

browneyedgirl86 · 27/08/2015 10:53

The Mother might be at fault but it doesn't change the fact a girl is in hospital. Regardless of what led her there the situation is she's in hospital and can't go on the family holiday with her Dad and Stepmum. It's natural to be angry at the mum but it doesn't change anything. She at the moment cannot go on holiday, if my DH wanted to go on holiday whilst his child was In hospital I would lose all respect for him.

lunar1 · 27/08/2015 10:53

Being consistent when it suits is Disney parenting!

MythicalKings · 27/08/2015 10:55

It seems that some people haven't read that OP wants DSD to join them when she's better but the poor child's mother can't be arsed to put herself out.

SeasideSunshine · 27/08/2015 10:56

if my DH wanted to go on holiday whilst his child was In hospital I would lose all respect for him.

This. Exactly.

Roseformeplease · 27/08/2015 10:57

I am not sure how disappointed a 3 year old and a 12 month old would be. What does your insurance say? Have you asked the question?

Fairenuff · 27/08/2015 10:58

why DH would be judged for going on holiday while DSD is poorly, but her DM isn't judged for leaving her ill and untreated in a foreign country while on holiday?

Can't you see that they are both wrong?

Have you checked that the airline would even allow a 12 year old to travel unaccompanied? Easyjet won't.

andsoimback · 27/08/2015 10:58

Poor kid. The adults in her life playing tit for tat whilst she's in hospital. Tbh I would not be able to respect my dh or look at him in the same way if he left one of his dc in hospital and went on holiday. No doubt your dd will remember this and in a few years you'll be on here moaning how spoilt she is as she refuses to see her dad.

twirlypoo · 27/08/2015 11:00

Your determination to blame the mother for not seeking treatment sooner is stopping you from seeing this clearly. You are throwing blame at her whilst your husband is doing something equally as negligent.

It's not about mn bashing step parents, it's about parents not being able to comprehend people acting this way towards their children.

If she was your daughter and not your step daughter what would you do?

RandomSocks · 27/08/2015 11:03

I think juneau has it right. You, your children and even your DH should not miss your holiday because the DM of your DSD was too tight to seek medical advice when needed by her DD.

DSD can join you mid-week when she is well enough to travel.

Cabrinha · 27/08/2015 11:03

So what IS your situation on insurance re just cancelling?

I don't don't how old your child with SN is, but the other two are 3 and a baby. So there are not 3 kids who are going to disappointed - a baby won't know and the 3 year old will be over it in a flash with some distraction. I could have stuck my 3yo in a doctor costume and told them we were going to hospital to visit sister and care for instead, and she'd have been happy.

Yes, it's disruptive for your child with autism. But so is going on holiday at all.

My nephew has autism and my sister assesses that trade off all the time.

Why not just cancel with insurance cover and postpone?

Surely you're covered if she's actually hospitalised?

Lj8893 · 27/08/2015 11:04

Op, what would you do if one of your 3 dc were in hospital and you were meant to be going on holiday? I think that would have to be your answer to this situation.

I am judging the mother, she shouldn't have allowed her dd to get so Ill. But I would also judge the father, your dh, if he went on holiday leaving his poorly daughter behind.

tiggytape · 27/08/2015 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NerrSnerr · 27/08/2015 11:05

I agree that the mum 100% should have got treatment earlier but that doesn't meant your husband should leave her behind.

I think you need to suck it up and go without him if you think missing the holiday will be that much of a disappointment to your children. Pack light and you'll cope on the journey because you'll have to.

BoGrainger · 27/08/2015 11:06

I would also be surprised if she is allowed to fly unaccompanied. I

Also isn't the cut off age for escorted children round about 11 or 12?
The procedures through and after security are bad enough as an adult let alone a child who won't be feeling 100%.
I would knock on the head completely her joining you alone, DH needs to be with her if you are insisting on going ahead with the holiday.