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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to still go on Holiday, without DSD??

474 replies

ViVeriVeniversumVivusVicii · 26/08/2015 23:54

DSD (12) was due to arrive here today, until the end of the school holidays, as we are going on holiday on Friday, for a week.
DSD has just returned from a holiday abroad with her DM, SF, and their own toddler DS.
We have received a message that DSD she can't come to us yet, as she's too poorly to travel. They finished their holiday, and then after the plane touched down, drove straight home, called their local doctor out, who had her transfered to hospital. She is really unwell, and has been for a WEEK, while on holiday. An infection has been untreated, and got worse as the days went on.
DH phoned his DD's Mum, who said she'd been unwell for a few days on their holiday, but she didn't get a doctor to come out- as it would have been too expensive. DH said the Insurance should have covered that? But she said it didn't ie, she went on holiday without insurance?
If those tables were turned, and we brought her back to her Mum ill, no doctor seen and no insurance, there would be an absolute war on.
But this is the real problem- we are going on our own family holiday on Friday morning.
DSD, is now too ill to travel. She will not be fit to fly, let alone enjoy a holiday.
Her cheeky DM, says we should postpone our holiday, until DD is well enough to come.
We have refused. We don't see why our 3 other children should be disappointed and miss their holiday, because their Sister's Mum refused to seek treatment for her when she actually needed it? She would have been better by now, this was totally avoidable. Now DSD is back in the UK, too ill to have a holiday with us, we are being called every name under the sun, becuase we are still continuing with the Holiday. It is paid for, and we intend on going. DSD has after all just had a holiday, 3 DCs here haven't.
I just wanted opinions if possible. Would you go?

OP posts:
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 27/08/2015 14:21

I'm a Step-Mum. Of course anything I do is Unreasonable

Oh please. Let's not be a drama queen. The criticism here is actually been squarely aimed at your DH, not specifically you. He is her father. He is the parent that is responsible for her starting tomorrow. He is the one that effectively would be doing the "selective parenting" and opting out when it's difficult.

It's got nothing to do with the fact that you're a stepmum. He'd be getting the same criticism if he was single and opted to go on holiday in the same situation.

rookiemere · 27/08/2015 14:22

OP - have you checked you holiday insurance and what it covers? May help to make the decision.

Greenpickachu · 27/08/2015 14:22

She has now had proper care and just needs to rest at home. Some of her family are at home looking after her, some have plans. Such is life.

Greenpickachu · 27/08/2015 14:24

Rubbish if DH was going away on business and not a holiday he wouldn't be expected to stay at home if the DM is around to look after her at home.

Sallystyle · 27/08/2015 14:27

Lj, she is in hospital, she is being cared for by professionals and she will not be discharged until she is medically fit.

Her mother was wrong not to take her earlier but I don't think she is someone who is so negligent that her daughter who is on antibiotics is in danger of being left with her.

Itsmine · 27/08/2015 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sallystyle · 27/08/2015 14:38

Yeah, I laughed at the drama queen comment.

This thread is full of them Grin And it is not the OP.

Icimoi · 27/08/2015 14:40

The OP has already stated the mum was negligent with the DSD's health. Is she really the best person to be leaving DSD with while the dad goes on holiday?

I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous. The mother has custody. It's not up to OP, the child's father or the MN Massive to decide that suddenly she must lose all contact with her daughter whatsoever. Because that is the only logical conclusion to this argument.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/08/2015 14:47

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore
"this just looks like he's choosing to ignore that responsibility because it's inconvenient and interferes with his holiday plans."

This is your opinion.

Icimoi · 27/08/2015 14:50

I absolutely agree that this thread is full of a lot of over-dramatic hysteria. This child is responding well to antibiotics for a chest infection, she will probably be out of hospital very soon, she would probably prefer to convalesce at home in her own bed with her own favourite belongings easily available to her. It's ridiculous to say that, because it's her father's week, that is absolutely unalterable and she should be made to go to his house where there are three noisy and demanding younger siblings, rather than going to her mother's house. It's also ridiculous to say that the other children, particularly the autistic brother, should automatically suffer because of this.

People extrapolate this to what OP should have done had it been one of her own children in hospital, but it's not the same, is it? In that situation there wouldn't be a third parent ready and able to look after the child; and if the child was likely to be able to travel a couple of days later, the OP is highly unlikely to refuse to take her to the airport in the way the mother has in this case.

browneyedgirl86 · 27/08/2015 14:52

I don't think because you are the stepmum automatically makes you unreasonable. I think it's a difficult situation. But yes I think it's unreasonable for a parent to go o holiday whilst their child is in hospital. If it were your child in hospital, the holiday would be cancelled.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 27/08/2015 14:53

The mother has custody. But it's the dad's week for contact. He needs to step up.

And Boney yes, it is my opinion. Let's refer back to the OP, shall we?

I just wanted opinions if possible. Would you go?

There we go. Happy? She wanted opinions, she got them. Of course, she wanted opinions that agreed with her, and anyone that says differently, she is dismissing it as "because I'm a stepmum" which is just ridiculous. The criticisms are that he as a father is choosing to ignore that it's his week for contact and fly off on holiday without dsd while she is ill, and leave her with the mother that the OP is roundly criticising for not prioritising the dsd's health to begin with. But hey, it's pretty clear that for all the adults in the dsd's life, their holidays come first.

Spilose · 27/08/2015 14:58

Op I doubt you'd leave your own child in hospital to go on holiday though, no?

Lj8893 · 27/08/2015 14:59

You asked to opinions, you got them.
Some of them you didn't like so decided that those with opinions you didn't like were because we all hate step mums.
Ridiculous!

Oswin · 27/08/2015 14:59

God piss off with the aww its cuz your a stepmother shit.
Its not.
The dickhead here is the mother. Because she is such a dickhead, the ops dh needs to be a super parent.
I cant believe any parent would jet off to Disney when there Childs in hospital.
Actually makes me really sad. My ex is a cunt.
Even he wouldn't do that.

Itsmine · 27/08/2015 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WalfordEast · 27/08/2015 15:01

Not read the whole thread- but if my child was ill in hospital going on holiday would be the last thing on my mind Confused

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/08/2015 15:03

Alice

The criticisms are that he as a father is choosing to ignore that it's his week for contact and fly off on holiday without dsd while she is ill,

Where does it say that he is not stepping up?
Where in the thread are his views?
Do you know what he is thinking?

You do not know what he is thinking or planning or choosing to do.

You only know what the op is telling you about herself.

diddl · 27/08/2015 15:05

But if they want to have a holiday together & one is too ill, then why wouldn't you cancel/postpone so that all the intended family members can holiday together as planned?

Icimoi · 27/08/2015 15:08

The mother has custody. But it's the dad's week for contact. He needs to step up.

Yet another of those occasions when the expectations of MNetters comfortably pontificating from behind their computer screens come nowhere close to what anyone would actually do in reality. Yes, it's the dad's week for contact, and he arranged to take his daughter away on holiday with his three other children, but that can't happen any more, not least due to mum's negligence. In that situation, what reasonable resident parent would say "Oh, sorry, DD can't go on holiday with you, you'll have to cancel your children's holiday because it's YOUR WEEK so there." Surely most sensible separated parents work on the rational assumption that there will be flexibility about contact, that emergencies do arise, and they should be prepared to do a bit of chopping and changing occasionally?

Oswin · 27/08/2015 15:08

People think your dh is wrong to go away. How the fuck is that calling you an evil sm.
I hate these threads.
If people criticise a step mother its because there bitter. Never because the ops decision might be a shit one? Nah its just sm bashing. Ffs.
I come from a very successful "blended family". Successful because my mother never insisted me having a holiday was more important than my older half brothers health.
My brothers mother was shit too. It meant extra work for my dad and mom but that's life.

Lj8893 · 27/08/2015 15:11

Icimoi, a reasonable resident parent wouldn't say that. But clearly this parent isn't reasonable is she, the op has said many things about her which has made it clear to me the mother is a crap parent and completely unreasonable. Which means the father needs to be the best parent possible in order for the poor girl to have some sort of chance in life.

budgiegirl · 27/08/2015 15:12

OP, just out of interest, what WOULD you do if it was one of your children in hospital. You say you love your DSD as one of your own, but yet you are not really treating her the same as one of your own.

If you can say, hand on heart, that you would go on holiday without one of your own children, then fair enough. But if not, then why not postpone, surely you could try and rearrange the holiday. Have you even checked with the insurance company if you are covered for cancellation under these circumstances.

IMHO this has nothing to do with who should be looking after your DSD (I'm sure she will be fine with her mum) , and everything to do with whether you consider her to be an important part of your family.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 27/08/2015 15:14

Dhs contact week can be moved.

Yes, I believe that's called "selective parenting" as in "I want to go on holiday and an ill child doesn't fit in with my plans, so I want them another week when it's not inconvenient to me. You're the mum, so you just rearrange everything you may have planned, because my holiday is more important than your plans or my daughter's health."

No Alice it isn't purely the 'holiday comes first' the other dc are taken into consideration too. Op needs dh as has 3 yound dc, she doesn't drive.

Yes it is. Two of those 3 young dc will likely deal with it fine, the third may be upset, but these things happen. Two of my dcs have SNs, and when we cancelled our holiday this summer due to illness, they were disappointed but got over it quickly.

You say "no it's isn't pureley the holiday comes first" but then it all comes back to the holiday again. Sometimes things happen and it messes up plans. That's part of life with children. I know someone that cancelled a huge family Disney trip because her dd would not be well enough for the trip. They were disappointed, but instead they planned something else at another time. That's what grownups do.

Icimoi · 27/08/2015 15:14

Op I doubt you'd leave your own child in hospital to go on holiday though, no?

But the reality is that most parents with a child in hospital can't necessarily be with them all the time. How often do you see a child with a non-life-threatening illness in hospital with both parents at their bedside? Normally one or both has to take into account their employment and so they take turns. In OP's situation the child has an infection which is already responding to antibiotics and will be out of hospital very soon, her father is visiting today, and she can go home to her main home to recover. Why should the other children miss out on their holiday?

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