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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to still go on Holiday, without DSD??

474 replies

ViVeriVeniversumVivusVicii · 26/08/2015 23:54

DSD (12) was due to arrive here today, until the end of the school holidays, as we are going on holiday on Friday, for a week.
DSD has just returned from a holiday abroad with her DM, SF, and their own toddler DS.
We have received a message that DSD she can't come to us yet, as she's too poorly to travel. They finished their holiday, and then after the plane touched down, drove straight home, called their local doctor out, who had her transfered to hospital. She is really unwell, and has been for a WEEK, while on holiday. An infection has been untreated, and got worse as the days went on.
DH phoned his DD's Mum, who said she'd been unwell for a few days on their holiday, but she didn't get a doctor to come out- as it would have been too expensive. DH said the Insurance should have covered that? But she said it didn't ie, she went on holiday without insurance?
If those tables were turned, and we brought her back to her Mum ill, no doctor seen and no insurance, there would be an absolute war on.
But this is the real problem- we are going on our own family holiday on Friday morning.
DSD, is now too ill to travel. She will not be fit to fly, let alone enjoy a holiday.
Her cheeky DM, says we should postpone our holiday, until DD is well enough to come.
We have refused. We don't see why our 3 other children should be disappointed and miss their holiday, because their Sister's Mum refused to seek treatment for her when she actually needed it? She would have been better by now, this was totally avoidable. Now DSD is back in the UK, too ill to have a holiday with us, we are being called every name under the sun, becuase we are still continuing with the Holiday. It is paid for, and we intend on going. DSD has after all just had a holiday, 3 DCs here haven't.
I just wanted opinions if possible. Would you go?

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 27/08/2015 13:47

Hupocrite, it's already been established the mother is abit neglectful and crap so I can't imagine she is nice enough to say that.

Even so, it's still the fathers contact time.

Goodness, I am so glad me and my ex did not stick so rigidly to contact times and actually worked together and realised plans change. We actually wanted to help each other out.

Quite a few times we changed our plans for various reasons. I can't imagine him telling me to cancel a holiday because our child was in hospital and it was my weekend for contact, when he could have taken over.

rollmeover · 27/08/2015 13:48

I think you are getting a hard time OP.

The DD is likely to be out of hospital very soon (shes not on deaths door). In your position, I would go on holiday.

Original poster
ViVeriVeniversumVivusVicii · 27/08/2015 13:49

My DSD, isn't 'invited' to anything, she's one of the kids! I've been a part of her life since she was 3. she isn't a Guest, or just an Add-On as so!e people have suggested. It may be hard to grasp to some of the Militia here, but I love my stepdaughter with all my heart. She is loved, and there is no grey area. She is as wanted in my family unit as much as she would be if I gave birth to her. We are close, and this situation is a mess.
I should have thought twice before asking for advise on MN.
Clearly, because my DSD didn't have a cord attached to me when she was born, i am a vicious heartless bastard, intent to cause her suffering.
I want what is best for ALL of the children.
I agree, my baby daughter wouldn't miss out.
But the thought of telling my Son, who has Autism and has planned his activities he would like to do, that he won't be meeting his favourite Toy Story characters..or explain to your Daughter she will have to fore-go Cinderella becuase their big sister has a sore chest.

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 27/08/2015 13:50

But it's not just a matter of the holiday. It's actually his arranged time for contact. He is responsible for her. Is the mum supposed to cancel any of her plans simply because the father can't be arsed to step up and be a parent?

Well like I said above, me and my ex used to chop and change to help each other out. I don't see where he can't be arsed to parent. He wants to go on holiday with his children and if the mother doesn't have plans she can't change then no, I see nothing wrong with contact changing.

And reading many step parent threads on MN, I am so very glad we worked the way we did. Much nicer to help each other out and work together. Makes me realise how lucky we were.

Original poster
ViVeriVeniversumVivusVicii · 27/08/2015 13:50

*some.

OP posts:
AuntyMag10 · 27/08/2015 13:52

Op just hide this thread, you've been accused of all sorts but this is mn and that's the way it is when it's Comes to stepkids. You sound really kind and thoughtful about your dsd. Maybe get opinions in rl from friends or family instead. Hope you all have a good outcome x

QueenofallIsee · 27/08/2015 13:52

I would go and I say that as a mother of 4. My assumption is that it is not life threatening, she is recovering and her mother is present. What possible good is served by everyone suffering? When one of mine had tonsillitis and was hospitalised, i stayed with him and his dad looked after the others. When one broke his arm on hols, his dad took him to hospital then home, and I stayed with the other kids. Her Mum is with her, she is on the mend..hardly abandonment. Oh and I have gone away with just my younger 3 as my oldest had a holiday with her father...she is no less part of my family for goodness sake.

TheMummalo · 27/08/2015 13:55

OP hide this thread and forget about it. Honestly you're asking for advice in the wrong place.

Enjoy your holiday!

Sallystyle · 27/08/2015 13:57

Yes, hide the thread. You do sound lovely. I also don't see where your husband is not stepping up.

I swear the hysteria on here is quite worrying. A child does not need two parents at their side unless they are seriously unwell.

Your other children should not miss out. I would not cancel a holiday and have my other 4 children miss out just so one can have both parents at their side while they have antibiotics. Not many people would.

If the mum can be with her, or there is someone else to help her out if she has plans she can't cancel then it is a bit hysterical to think that they both need to be by her side and have the other children miss out.

BlahBlahUsername · 27/08/2015 13:58

Just let her know you'll miss her, buy her a nice gift while you're away, and if you can, organize a little trip for her later in the year as the poor love has effectively missed two holidays in a row this summer. But what else can you really do? If she's hospitalized there's not much point both birth parents staying to watch over her, only to take her abroad as soon as she can cope. Chances are she'll be lethargic and in need of rest for a good week at least. It's just unfortunate timing. There's no point everyone suffering!

Lj8893 · 27/08/2015 13:58

The people making comments about her being invited and an add on weren't aimed at you op, they were aimed at somebody "supporting" you and saying how great it was that you had invited her.

I still think your husband should be staying at home to take care of his daughter, it is his contact time (it's great that some parents can be flexible regarding contact but not all are) and it doesn't sound like the mother will give her the correct care and support.

thehypocritesoaf · 27/08/2015 14:00

I agree with U2.

Original poster
ViVeriVeniversumVivusVicii · 27/08/2015 14:01

Thank you AuntyMag10 x

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 27/08/2015 14:01

the other concern I'd have is that she's got her mother with her - the mother who was irresponsible enough not to take her daughter to the doc when she clearly needed to go! Fat lot of good that will do if she stays in hospital.

That alone would be a good reason, if she's not discharged - for her father to stay.

Original poster
ViVeriVeniversumVivusVicii · 27/08/2015 14:04

U2HasTheEdge thank you. I really don't see I'm being unreasonable. DSD has always been just as loved and wanted as my biological children are to me. We are very close, which is why this situation is making me ill with worry.

OP posts:
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 27/08/2015 14:05

The OP has already stated the mum was negligent with the DSD's health. Is she really the best person to be leaving DSD with while the dad goes on holiday?

OP, it's not because you're the stepmum at all. I've been a stepmum for years. FWIW, I do see where you are coming with, but in the same situation I would either take the other children myself on holiday while DH stayed home and possibly joined us with DSD later or all of us stay home and miss the holiday.

It's because he is supposed to be responsible for her and this just looks like he's choosing to ignore that responsibility because it's inconvenient and interferes with his holiday plans.

Sallystyle · 27/08/2015 14:05

Go and enjoy yourself. SD will be fine :)

Lj8893 · 27/08/2015 14:06

To everyone saying the dsd does not need both parents, and has her mother so it's fine. The mother is the reason she is in hospital in the first place, I don't think she can be trusted to look after her.

Greenpickachu · 27/08/2015 14:07

Hide the thread and go as planned, I think you'll need a holiday after posting this thread.

rookiemere · 27/08/2015 14:07

You and your DH seem to be getting a real bashing OP and I'm not sure why. If you go without her she will be home with a parent, not out on the street being attacked by wolves.

Her DM sounds a right old treat about not even wanting to get her to the airport - do you have anyone else who could get her there if you do manage to change the flights, or could you check how much a taxi would cost?

Do you have travel insurance and have you checked if you would get refunded if you don't go because of DSD?

FWIW if you are able to get a full refund on the holiday then I would consider cancelling it, if not then I'd fully explore all the options that would allow DSD to join when feeling better.

Lj8893 · 27/08/2015 14:08

Yep, hide the thread, go on holiday and leave the poor girl in the care of a parent who has already managed to get her hospitalised, I'm sure that parent will do a great job of making sure she gets well soon.

maybebabybee · 27/08/2015 14:10

Yes hide the thread OP and next time post in step parenting where you should get some sort of balanced response rather than a hysterical bun fight.

Original poster
ViVeriVeniversumVivusVicii · 27/08/2015 14:13

Greenpickachu I should have thought twice before posting in AIBU.
I'm a Step-Mum. Of course anything I do is Unreasonable Hmm

OP posts:
Itsmine · 27/08/2015 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lj8893 · 27/08/2015 14:17

It has nothing to do with you being a step parent, I have already said I have the utmost respect for step parents.

It's everything to do with a crap mother who has neglected her daughters health which has led to her being hospitalised. The girl needs somebody To give her the proper care in order to gain full health back and her mother obviously can't be trusted to give that care, so her father needs to do it.