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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to still go on Holiday, without DSD??

474 replies

ViVeriVeniversumVivusVicii · 26/08/2015 23:54

DSD (12) was due to arrive here today, until the end of the school holidays, as we are going on holiday on Friday, for a week.
DSD has just returned from a holiday abroad with her DM, SF, and their own toddler DS.
We have received a message that DSD she can't come to us yet, as she's too poorly to travel. They finished their holiday, and then after the plane touched down, drove straight home, called their local doctor out, who had her transfered to hospital. She is really unwell, and has been for a WEEK, while on holiday. An infection has been untreated, and got worse as the days went on.
DH phoned his DD's Mum, who said she'd been unwell for a few days on their holiday, but she didn't get a doctor to come out- as it would have been too expensive. DH said the Insurance should have covered that? But she said it didn't ie, she went on holiday without insurance?
If those tables were turned, and we brought her back to her Mum ill, no doctor seen and no insurance, there would be an absolute war on.
But this is the real problem- we are going on our own family holiday on Friday morning.
DSD, is now too ill to travel. She will not be fit to fly, let alone enjoy a holiday.
Her cheeky DM, says we should postpone our holiday, until DD is well enough to come.
We have refused. We don't see why our 3 other children should be disappointed and miss their holiday, because their Sister's Mum refused to seek treatment for her when she actually needed it? She would have been better by now, this was totally avoidable. Now DSD is back in the UK, too ill to have a holiday with us, we are being called every name under the sun, becuase we are still continuing with the Holiday. It is paid for, and we intend on going. DSD has after all just had a holiday, 3 DCs here haven't.
I just wanted opinions if possible. Would you go?

OP posts:
msgrinch · 27/08/2015 12:49

Poor kid. I feel so sad for her having such selfish, negligent adults in her life. It seems everyone is too busy bitching about each other and making excuses for their own shit decisions and have stopped putting the child first. Awful.

SeasideSunshine · 27/08/2015 12:50

I doubt very much the OP will ring the insurance company, because she doesn't want any of them staying home from holiday to be an option. That way she can stick to her story of "can't do it, can't do it." It's the equivalent of this:

OP: AIBU?
Many posters: YABU.
OP: lalalalala.. I can't hear you.. IANBU!!

SuburbanRhonda · 27/08/2015 12:53

"DSD, you don't want daddy and your siblings to miss out on a lovely holiday just because you got sick, do you?"

How ridiculous to think that's what the OP would say.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 27/08/2015 12:55

How ridiculous to think a child of 12 won't realise that no matter how they say it, that is *exactly" what they are saying?

grovel · 27/08/2015 12:58

Exactly, Suburban.

It may even be that DSD would prefer to go to her Mum's when discharged from hospital.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/08/2015 13:01

There has been a lot of assumptions on what the child's father is like/thinking with no input from him at all.

diddl · 27/08/2015 13:03

"It may even be that DSD would prefer to go to her Mum's when discharged from hospital."

That may be the case.

Would have been nice for her to have the option of going to her dads though!

Lucked · 27/08/2015 13:03

Well 48 hrs of iv antibiotics makes a hell of a difference, I don't think she will be able to fly but you will know if she is responding and getting ready for discharge, in which case I don't think you or your DH should miss the holiday. If the doctors are worried then he absolutely must stay.

If she is to be discharged tomorrow would people still think dad should stay home if mum is free to have her (all be it unhappily) given what the other children will miss out.

Also what jobs do people have where they can at this late notice still get the next school holiday off. The October week has been blocked off at my work since before the summer. The Easter debate is getting heated!

SuburbanRhonda · 27/08/2015 13:04

You know the child, do you, alice, as well as what she's thinking?

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/08/2015 13:04

seaside

I would say that it was more

OP :- AIBU

Some posters :- your DH is a bastard

OP :- no he isn't

Some posters :- yes he is is, you don't like it because we are being honest.

(FWIW, she and the kids should go, possibly take a friend that can drive and h should stay at home. But We don't know what the DH's view is on this)

Lj8893 · 27/08/2015 13:07

Unless their is a medical reason I think it's time the op learnt to drive anyway, then if something similar happened in the future she can drive.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/08/2015 13:08

Rock and a hard place, you have my sympathies. Words fail me with her mother too. Bronchitis can brew pretty slowly but if she needed to be hospitalised on arrival in the UK it must have been pretty obvious that she needed to see a doctor sooner. I'd also be wary that she would try to get her daughter discharged / signed off as fit just to hand her over and make her someone else's problem rather than run around after a sick child for a week.

She's his daughter so with an unfit to fly cert you should be covered under insurance - postpone to the half term or to next year if preferable. If you don't have insurance, I'd say get on a plane, all of you and leave her with her mum. It's not ideal but in the real world people don't write off thousands of pounds when care is available for a child recovering well from a serious illness. That presumes she is discharged from hospital though.

Time to start calling your insurers to see if they will cover the cost of a taxi transfer for you and then you need to decide if you want to take the "holiday" solo with three children. Alternatively you could contact the schools involved and establish if it would be acceptable for your DSD and your DS to miss the first week back and postpone it for a week. DSD may well have a sick note anyway until she is through all the medication. Bit of sunshine might do wonders.

All kinds of options - difficult to really give advice without knowing the destination.

To answer your actual question:

If she is still in hospital, your DH is BU
If she has been discharged but is not fit to fly, then I don't think it is unreasonable to go without her. Not ideal but that's life.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 27/08/2015 13:16

Suburban Most 12yo dcs are reasonably intelligent. She may say she doesn't mind because she doesn't want to upset her parent.

Regardless, she should not be asked. It should not be her decision. I am appalled that a father could happily swan off on holiday while his daughter is in hospital, especially when it is his contact week.

Disney dad indeed. He's happy to do the contact when it suits, apparently, but when it's inconvenient, then clearly he's willing to dump her back on her mother (her mother who the OP has already stated is not putting DSD's health as a priority). So doubly damned IMO. He's happy to leave her in hospital and go on holiday, happy to renege on his contact time, and happy to leave her with her mother that allowed her to progress to this level off illness while on holiday without getting her medical care in a timely fashion.

If it was my DH that had made these decisions, I'd lose all respect for him.

Of course, we don't really know what dad thinks, as the OP has been careful to not really say and seems to be ignoring this question when asked. I wonder what his opinion is. Is the OP trying to push her agenda on here so she can go to her DH and say "see? It's not just me - these other people agree, it's okay to leave her and go on holiday."

YellowTulips · 27/08/2015 13:22

Unless it's a life threatening situation then tbh I'd go on holiday, including your DH.

I would find a way of making it up to DSD however with a break/treat.

Its not an ideal situation but the DSD is not being abandoned. Her mother is still there.

I really don't see the benefit of depriving all the other kids of a holiday and feel there is a bit of hysteria and SM bashing going on.

Waltermittythesequel · 27/08/2015 13:24

It seems to me that on MN the SC is expected to be treated favourably at all times even to the detriment of the other children, which is mad.

That's possibly true, but not really relevant here, I don't think.

wannaBe · 27/08/2015 13:25

I would be very surprised if the insurance wouldn't cover cancellation because of a child being hospitalised. My xh's dp is pregnant, except she became pregnant after the holiday had been booked. xh checked whether they could cancel the holiday due to pregnancy related issues (she is 29 weeks so nowhere near term yet) and they were able to cancel up till the last minute, in fact she was only cleared as fit to fly a couple of days before they went.

If you take out insurance for a holiday then you take out one which covers as many eventualities as possible, especially when you have such a wide age range of children because in truth anything could happen.

If it were one of the op's children who was ill she presumably would cancel the holiday regardless of whether the insurance would pay out.

And I agree with the PP who said that there are many instances where the NRP is expected to be responsible for their children and yet here people are positively encouraging him to ditch his responsibilities and go and have a nice holiday.

grovel · 27/08/2015 13:27

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore, you keep saying that the father is "happy" to do this, that and the other. I very much doubt that he's happy at all. He's got decisions to make which are guaranteed to make others unhappy.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 27/08/2015 13:31

grovel If he's not happy to go on holiday, he shouldn't go. IMO he shouldn't go anyway, but stay home and be responsible for his daughter as it is his contact time and he is supposed to be taking care of her during that time. A parent doesn't get to pick and choose when he wants to parent.

PosterEh · 27/08/2015 13:34

Her dm being a bit shit doesn't remove the obligation for your dh to be responsible for her on the weeks he is due to have contact. Or does he get to pick me choose when he has parental responsibility for her?

lorelei9 · 27/08/2015 13:35

Call me sentimental but I feel so sad for this poor DSD and would like to send her a hug and Flowers

her opinion is key here. As a grown woman, I wouldn't want to exit hospital then go away a few days later, I'd want my own home. So what would she like?

I must confess, if I were her parent I wouldn't go away leaving her either ill in hospital or just out of hospital. I'd want her home and healthy for weeks before putting her on a plane.

I would be very surprised if you can't cancel your holiday and get a refund when a child is actually in hospital one day before you are due to go.

wannaBe · 27/08/2015 13:38

"he's got decisions to make which are guaranteed to make others unhappy." well I'm afraid that when you have two families i.e. children from previous relationships and then go on to have children with a new partner this is life. This is why step and blended families are so frought with issues because it's just not possible to make everybody happy all of the time.

wannaBe · 27/08/2015 13:41

And I agree that the responsibility for this shouldn't be put on a twelve year old. Twelve year olds will often say what they think their parents want to hear, because they don't want to upset anyone. I know my twelve yo would want to stay with me, but I also know that he would still be hurt if his dad just went off with his new family to enjoy a holiday he was supposed to be part of.

lorelei9 · 27/08/2015 13:41

PS I should say, not asking her to make the decision, but if she says "I want daddy to stay" there's your answer!

Sallystyle · 27/08/2015 13:42

Would I leave my child with their other parent if they weren't seriously ill in hospital? Maybe.

I am not so sure I would cancel a holiday my other children were looking forward to unless the child was seriously unwell as long as they had one parent there with them. That probably makes me a shitty parent though.

It would be much better if your dh stayed with her and brought her along when she is better, but I don't quite get the level of outrage here.

I spent a lot of time in hospital with my children, once their dad couldn't be there. It just wasn't a big deal, they had one parent there and it was all fine.

I would never have expected my ex husband to cancel a holiday if one of our children were in hospital unless they were seriously unwell. On antibiotics and responding well is not something I would have wanted him to cancel a holiday over. Thankfully we got on well, so even if it was his time to have them I would have happily told him to go on his holiday. We were always very flexible though and worked together.

It is a shame for your step daughter, and I feel awful for her, but I see no reason to cancel the holiday because I really don't think only having one parent at her side is a huge deal. I see no reason why the other children should miss out just so she can have two parents at her side, when imo, one is enough. Many people have to work away etc and have to manage with one parent visiting if their child is in hospital.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 27/08/2015 13:47

But it's not just a matter of the holiday. It's actually his arranged time for contact. He is responsible for her. Is the mum supposed to cancel any of her plans simply because the father can't be arsed to step up and be a parent? Is he only supposed to be a parent when it's convenient and not when it interferes with his holiday?