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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH just tight/old fashioned?

138 replies

WyrdByrd · 26/08/2015 21:49

DD is 11 in a couple of weeks & today I went out birthday shopping for her. She is getting the following:

A basketball
2 pairs of silver earrings
Artemis Fowl book 2
Zoella bubble bath, body lotion & perfume
Paul Frank notecards
Flamingo fairy lights
A £10 'Love to Shop' voucher - there were a few more expensive things on her wishlist that we were a bit Hmm about but if she wants to buy them with birthday money from aunts/uncles it'll help out.

She's having 7 friends round for tea on the Friday nearest her birthday - am borrowing a set of 'photo booth' props & they'll probably watch a film & largely amuse themselves. Her best friend is staying over.

We have gone halves on most of her presents (a couple I'd picked up ad hoc earlier on the year) and I will pay for the 'party' food, paper plates etc & party bags.

DH thinks this is all OTT...again.
Every birthday & Christmas we have this argument. I think it's a case of very different upbringings, and admittedly I have got carried away a bit in the past, but I thought I'd been fairly sensible this time Confused .

Any thoughts? Am I an overindulgent spendthrift or a fairly normal mum wanting to give her DD a great birthday?

OP posts:
NadiaWadia · 27/08/2015 19:59

The presents listed sound quite modest to me, though lovely.

I always used to have the same problems with DH. In his case, though, it's probably due to coming from another country/different culture. I'd imagine he didn't get much in the way of presents as a kid.

BlackeyedSusan · 27/08/2015 20:00

the range will be wondering why thereis a sudden run on flamingo lights...

oh and not at all over the top, unless you are really short of money.

derxa · 27/08/2015 20:02
Biscuit
Original poster
WyrdByrd · 27/08/2015 23:46

Did you post on the wrong thread derxa? Not sure what's biscuit-worthy? Confused.

OP posts:
NadiaWadia · 27/08/2015 23:51

Me neither.

derxa · 28/08/2015 02:21

sorry wrong thread Blush

Bulbasaur · 28/08/2015 03:33

Our budget is around $50 for birthdays, and if we can't afford that we include homemade things (which my family prefers anyway). Christmas is around $150 each, including stockings. Though, DD's birthday is right around tax returns so she gets a bit more. She just got the luck of the draw for being born at a convenient time. Blush

chrome100 · 28/08/2015 06:32

I don't think the "going halves" thing is odd at all. DP and I have our own money, we split the rent and bills 50/50, and any family stuff, the rest of our money is ours to do with as we please.

I would far rather have this than have to ask him if I can buy a dress or be annoyed because he's spent joint money in the pub.

WorktoLive · 28/08/2015 06:50

But the point is that presents for DCs is a joint expense for their parents and should come out of the family pot.

Your way chrome is similar but only works if you have similar earnings - any significant disparity in earnings and splitting 50/50 will leave one partner with massively more disposable income than the other, hence it is fairer to pool all earnings, pay all joint costs, put aside some joint savings, then split the remainder equally for personal spends, whether it be dresses, beer or whatever.

Iggly · 28/08/2015 07:00

Why are you paying for her party? When she thanks her parents for throwing the party - will she only thank you?

Original poster
WyrdByrd · 28/08/2015 09:44

No worries derxa Grin.

chrome100 - this is it exactly. DH has (as you can see from this thread!) slightly odd ideas about what constitutes necessary expenditure i.e. he will happily spend money on clothes when his wardrobe is overflowing but I'd get the Hmm face if he could see the amount I spend on art & craft stuff! By contrast I hate clothes shopping and only really buy clothes twice a year spring/autumn if I actually desperately need a few new bits - most of my wardrobe comes via my mum from the charity shop Blush, as I'd rather spend my cash on hobbies and days out.

We each have our allocated financial responsibilities for the joint stuff which is roughly pro rata to what we earn, and of the excess he pays for any bigger/sudden joint expenses i.e. holidays, white goods needing replacing, major work on the house/family car, and I pay for the stuff that is smaller and more easily spread out e.g. Christmas and birthday expenses, school clubs. It's worked for us for 12 years although I realise it seems a bit strange to some people and is certainly not 'the norm' on here!

Iggly - when I say party it's more glorified 'friends round for tea' really - packet each of paper plates and napkins, fizzy pop and a job of lot of sausage rolls, pizza and crisps for 8 kids, so not exactly earth shattering on the budget front!

OP posts:
Original poster
WyrdByrd · 28/08/2015 09:48

Sorry - DH has slightly odd ideas imho Grin - I'm sure he doesn't think they're odd at all!

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 28/08/2015 09:59

To much £65,our DS13,14 in a few weeks,what he wants for his birthday is nearly £300.

Normally I'd just buy what ever it is they've asked for,but this time I am shopping around to see if I can get what he wants at a cheaper price.

Growing up I only ever had 1 birthday party,I would have liked more but wasn't allowed.Compared to nearly all of my friends I received no where near as much for Birthdays or Christmas and my parents weren't struggling financially.

My children's lifes(5DC)are the complete opposite to mine,birthday partys,lots of treats,nice gifts for birthdays and Christmas.

I admit that I've over compensated for my children because of what my childhood was like,but I'm trying to address that now.

My Mother used to spend a lot on her self but not very much on me.Where as my Father hated treating himself but loved to treat me and he'd treat my Mum as well.I'm very much like my Father and so his my Husband.

I'm the same as you when it comes to clothes,much prefer the charity shops. Smile

Original poster
WyrdByrd · 28/08/2015 10:40

£300 Shock. I think we've got off lightly then!

OP posts:
JanetBlyton · 28/08/2015 11:28

Depends on your income so impossible to generalise. Ours are limited to £100 each (for a birthday and separately for a Christmas) but if they 've had parties when younger that is on top.

Spilose · 28/08/2015 11:37

That sounds fine. 7 friends seems a lot though

NoMoreRenting · 28/08/2015 13:42

I compensate too. But I also love Christmas hugely so go all out with food as well as gifts. I don't think anyone should feel pressure to spend a certain amount or to buy an excessive amount but I also hate this MC attitude of faux frugality and being disciplined so only buying one thing costing 11p type of thing regardless of what you can afford. I'm all for putting in time and effort and making sure you don't just throw money at everything they might possible want for 5minutes. Restraint is one thing but meanness masquerading as sensible behaviour is quite another. They'll be up and gone before I know it and I'll always have those memories of seeing anticipation building and unadulterated joy at present opening.

All this misplaced middle class smugness is just miserable imvho!

CakeNinja · 28/08/2015 14:06

It's a very modest list from where I'm standing!
I think we spend around £300 on birthday presents (more than one present) and the same again on a party for the dc.
And Christmas spends are much more.

Your dh may have a point though if he feels money has been wasted in the past on lots that hasn't been used.
However, a £12 basketball, earrings and a couple of nik naks really isn't over the top. That does sound like he's a bit tight although hard to form a true opinion with the information given.

Fairylea · 28/08/2015 14:12

That seems fine to me! Personally I wouldn't have done the whole 7 friends thing but that's because I can't stand having a house full of kids and we don't have sleepovers at all (but neither do her friends so that's fine).

It was our dds 12th birthday two weeks ago and she got a new ipad. We were away at a Haven holiday break for the week at the time and we had a Chinese take away for her birthday all together (a rare treat for us, her favourite ) and she got a few body spray / bath stuff type things as well.

NadiaWadia · 28/08/2015 18:26

Agree with nomorerenting. I would normally have spent £100-£150 sometimes more, and I don't think that's OTT. Would have loved to spend £300 each time, but couldn't really afford it. It all depends on your financial situation, but I don't see how a DF can really begrudge £65 unless he is really on the breadline or something.

hackmum · 28/08/2015 18:33

Presents to the value of £65 doesn't sound like very much to me (though obviously it depends on how tight your budget is). I do know 11-year olds who have had iPhones, iPads or similar electronic stuff for their birthdays.

The party sounds very low-key too. I suspect your DH is a tightwad.

clary · 28/08/2015 18:35

Sounds fine to me. As you say, none of those things is very expensive, but if it's what she will like and enjoy then great!

Typical birthday present in this house (3DC, all a bit older than yours OP) is probably one biggish thing but something they need - recent examples have been first/new mobile phone, new footy boots/athletics spikes. DD this summer got a CD and a DVD she wanted plus £30 towards an expensive (but not really essential!) school trip she wanted to go on.

OP I think you are spot on and as a PP said, how lovely to have lotds of things to open.

diddl · 28/08/2015 18:39

"To much £65,our DS13,14 in a few weeks,what he wants for his birthday is nearly £300."

Well he might want it, but you don't have to get it for him!

ShelaghTurner · 28/08/2015 20:15

Goodness, I've never added up what I spend on them for Christmas and birthdays but it would come in at a lot more than £65. And I thought I was quite calm about presents compared to others. Blimey.

Original poster
WyrdByrd · 28/08/2015 20:44

I wonder if DH's issue is with it being an 'all at once' thing so it seems a lot more than it is iykwim?

He and his brothers were very into sport and adventure activities/holidays as kids and I think the IL's spent a lot on that kind of thing year round on the understanding that is was in lieu of actual birthday/Christmas presents at the 'right' time. Even now if there is something he/we want they will often offer to get it for our birthday/Christmas present even if the actual date is months away.

He is very practically/logically minded and doesn't see the argument of having a nice little pile of goodies to open.

He's really not tight per se - if I'm at work or go out on my own for the day I will often come home to discover he's taken her out shopping and then for dinner. It's just birthdays/Christmas that he's odd about although I think we're largely at the 'agree to a disagree' stage.

OP posts: