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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH just tight/old fashioned?

138 replies

WyrdByrd · 26/08/2015 21:49

DD is 11 in a couple of weeks & today I went out birthday shopping for her. She is getting the following:

A basketball
2 pairs of silver earrings
Artemis Fowl book 2
Zoella bubble bath, body lotion & perfume
Paul Frank notecards
Flamingo fairy lights
A £10 'Love to Shop' voucher - there were a few more expensive things on her wishlist that we were a bit Hmm about but if she wants to buy them with birthday money from aunts/uncles it'll help out.

She's having 7 friends round for tea on the Friday nearest her birthday - am borrowing a set of 'photo booth' props & they'll probably watch a film & largely amuse themselves. Her best friend is staying over.

We have gone halves on most of her presents (a couple I'd picked up ad hoc earlier on the year) and I will pay for the 'party' food, paper plates etc & party bags.

DH thinks this is all OTT...again.
Every birthday & Christmas we have this argument. I think it's a case of very different upbringings, and admittedly I have got carried away a bit in the past, but I thought I'd been fairly sensible this time Confused .

Any thoughts? Am I an overindulgent spendthrift or a fairly normal mum wanting to give her DD a great birthday?

OP posts:
wickedwaterwitch · 26/08/2015 22:12

It sounds reasonable to me

Presumably you can afford it?

wickedwaterwitch · 26/08/2015 22:14

The going halves thing though? Surely it's a joint thing?

XiCi · 26/08/2015 22:16

It sounds like a modest but lovely set if presents. Not OTT at all. Your DH sounds like a joyless fucker. Is he usually tight? Sounds like he's moaning it's OTT so he doesn't have to contribute towards the party!

mumofthemonsters808 · 26/08/2015 22:17

It sounds very reasonable to me, I really can't see why he is moaning, there is nothing extravagant listed.

Original poster
WyrdByrd · 26/08/2015 22:17

Probably about £65 in total - so a bit more than I had in mind to be fair.

We have separate finances & each take responsibility for different things. Too long-winded to go into but it works for us generally apart from when this comes up.

DH's parents were very young when they had him & his two brothers in fairly quick succession. I don't think they did a lot in the way of parties or even having friends round DH doesn't really talk about his childhood much although he gets on fine with his parents.
By contrast I'm an only child of parents who were in their 30's with established careers/finances so was certainly privileged when it came to special occasions (but not spoilt rotten the rest of the year) and it was always a bit of an open house wrt friends as I had no siblings & no extended family nearby.

I think it's just a bit outside his frame of reference, but now she's getting older one 'big' present (and a stocking at Christmas) is probably the way to go on several levels.

Unfortunately, the bigger present we were thinking of didn't turn out to be suitable on this occasion.

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 26/08/2015 22:19

That isn't OTT at all. They aren't expensive presents.

Wonder how many people commenting have given a tablet or mobile or a mountain bike for a birthday -something costing much much much more.

Flaming heck though, if people think that is OTT they'd have a blinking heart attack if they saw what ds gets for birthdays and Christmas. I, personally, think they're a bit bonkers Grin

Original poster
WyrdByrd · 26/08/2015 22:20

Bastards they were from The Range - about £6 iirc. Flamingos are a special thing between me & DD so she gets something flamingo related every birthday & Christmas.

It's not really designer stuff - Zoella toiletries are a fiver from Suoerdrug (DD is a bit obsessed with her admittedly but she is 11), and the Paul Frank notecards were about £2 on sale when I ordered something from Culture Vulture for myself months ago!

OP posts:
Backforthis · 26/08/2015 22:21

It seems fine to me. Lots of smaller presents that together probably weren't more than £65 and give her room decor, nice smellies, something active to do, something quiet to do, jewellery and something to look forward to.

CaptainSwan · 26/08/2015 22:21

It doesn't sound like a great deal to me to be honest, they're lovely gifts though!

Ripeningapples · 26/08/2015 22:24

I don't think you went over the top. My DH has issues with this too. His parents were very dour and thought anything nice or fun was mean and that it was a bit of a crime to enjoy yourselves.

We have wonderful Christmases because I had wonderful Christmases (not overly extravagant with the DC who are almost grown up now) and DH has found it hard. 27 years on and he's much better than he used to be.

His mother tuts every year (as did his father when he was alive). Funnily enough I've hosted Christmas for 25 of the last 27 years and they (now just MIL) have never missed one. In fact the year my father was in respite care MIL showed off because I didn't feel able to do the big family Christmas in case the family were called.

Just plough on OP, our children deserve to remember happy things. £65 isn't over the top at all.

I tend to pay for most of the Christmas/birthday presents because they just don't fall on DH's radar. He pays for lots of other things and I'm not having a row over it though.

He has his funny ways and I'm sure I have mine.

Backforthis · 26/08/2015 22:24

I was so busy guesstimating that I hadn't seen your post. [smug] Grin would he have queried spending £65 or is it the number of presents?

DeathstarDame · 26/08/2015 22:25

I think it's down to the individual, personally I don't think it's OTT as I'm the kind of person who likes to gift lots of little things then one big present. I don't find £65 very expensive either, if you can afford it.

Ripeningapples · 26/08/2015 22:26

first para - meant vulgar not mean. Was thinking of them so mean rolled off the finger tips.

Original poster
WyrdByrd · 26/08/2015 22:28

Ripening your DH sounds very similar to mine.

He has bought us family tickets to a festival the weekend before her birthday so I'm wondering if he sees that as her birthday present, which would make sense but he does need to communicate that if it is what he's thinking!

OP posts:
Oswin · 26/08/2015 22:28

That sounds fine. I can't see how he can moan about that. Its not ott at all!
Would anyone really give just a basketball? Finances aside of course. I just cant imagine doing that.
I'm poor on benefits, but I do what I can to make sure dd has nice presents.

Original poster
WyrdByrd · 26/08/2015 22:33

The present we were looking at was £45 (USB mixing decks - she wants to be Beca from Pitch Perfect when she grows up Grin - but you couldn't record your mixes so not much point).

She's been playing basketball after school for about 18 months & is looking at joining a weekend club too.

Crazy thing is, he's already suggested we get a her a hoop for the back garden as a kind of Easter present as she'll get more use of it in spring/summer, yet to me spending that kind of money for Easter is crackers.

So I guess he's not tight, just weird about birthdays/Christmas but that is definitely a family thing.

OP posts:
nancy75 · 26/08/2015 22:36

I can't believe he would think £65 worth of stuff is over the top, my dad is 10 and most of her mates are getting things like iPhones & iPads, if you have split the cost he has paid about 30 quid for her birthday, I would say he got off very lightly

Original poster
WyrdByrd · 26/08/2015 22:36

Oswin we're not exactly rolling in it, but I budget & make sure to prioritise special occasions for DD.

Apart from the earrings (which were £15 in total - she's just had her ears pierced so has none at the mo & didn't want to get base metal) everything else was discounted one way or another, and the voucher is a 'freebie' from a survey site I go on.

OP posts:
nancy75 · 26/08/2015 22:37

My dad is not 10, my dd is!

Original poster
WyrdByrd · 26/08/2015 22:38

DD has enough tech to start her own shop thanks to very indulgent GPs!

She's into coding and is after a Kano for Christmas which would definitely be an 'only 1 present' situation!

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 26/08/2015 22:38

Seems fine to me. From what I see/read other people spend a lot more on 11 yos, especially if techy presents are involved. She sounds very down to earth in her wishes.

PrimalLass · 26/08/2015 22:40

Sounds fine to me. I like to add books etc in to the mix too.

Louise43210 · 26/08/2015 22:41

Sounds lovely and thoughtful of you, your daughter will be happy on the dayand your husband is being a grumpy bum. Xx

Original poster
WyrdByrd · 26/08/2015 22:43

I actually feel bad about not getting her any of the 'middling' things on her list, but they were all a bit meh.

Minions monopoly - we already have 3 versions of Monopoly that don't get played

Fold out make up case - the one she wanted had awful reviews & other similar ones were either really boring (black/grey) or very pink which is not her thing

SIMS expansion pack - £22 for an add-on Shock ?

Hence the voucher which is a bit of a bonus & if she's chooses to waste spend her birthday money on any of those things it's up to her.

OP posts:
DontStopBelievin · 26/08/2015 22:49

That's a lot in my opinion. 11 year old about to have his birthday soon and he gets one present (from us, that is.) He'll get a present off aunties, uncles, brother, grandparents and great grandparents as well though. Smile
He'll also have a day out and birthday tea at restaurant of his choice. (Rule in this house is that birthday person gets to choose where.)