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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH just tight/old fashioned?

138 replies

WyrdByrd · 26/08/2015 21:49

DD is 11 in a couple of weeks & today I went out birthday shopping for her. She is getting the following:

A basketball
2 pairs of silver earrings
Artemis Fowl book 2
Zoella bubble bath, body lotion & perfume
Paul Frank notecards
Flamingo fairy lights
A £10 'Love to Shop' voucher - there were a few more expensive things on her wishlist that we were a bit Hmm about but if she wants to buy them with birthday money from aunts/uncles it'll help out.

She's having 7 friends round for tea on the Friday nearest her birthday - am borrowing a set of 'photo booth' props & they'll probably watch a film & largely amuse themselves. Her best friend is staying over.

We have gone halves on most of her presents (a couple I'd picked up ad hoc earlier on the year) and I will pay for the 'party' food, paper plates etc & party bags.

DH thinks this is all OTT...again.
Every birthday & Christmas we have this argument. I think it's a case of very different upbringings, and admittedly I have got carried away a bit in the past, but I thought I'd been fairly sensible this time Confused .

Any thoughts? Am I an overindulgent spendthrift or a fairly normal mum wanting to give her DD a great birthday?

OP posts:
getoffthattabletnow · 27/08/2015 00:08

Getting an Ipad from Grandparents is different though and doesn't count.In ds and dd's school the families with the least money had all the expensive equipment.My kids break tablets with such regularity that it really not worth buying expensive ones.

 Yes Dh is a little/lot different.I'm determined though that my children will have a happy childhood.His sisters have been very badly affected by theirs.Thay had no toys whatsoever growing up.
peggyundercrackers · 27/08/2015 00:22

Nancy sorry I don't think iPads are toys.

Yep if they are gifted stuff like iPads from other relatives then that's fine - you can't control that.

nancy75 · 27/08/2015 00:25

I didn't say iPads are toys, you mentioned toys being a waste of money when the kids just play with the boxes.
Why is an iPad fine if someone else buys it? It's still the same item and costs the same amount of money?

TheRealAmyLee · 27/08/2015 00:38

I work to the same budget tbh 100 for christmas plus 20ish for stocking bits (we put books & dvds in)

50ish for birthday depending what we have.

I get told Im stingy Hmm

AngelaRipp0n · 27/08/2015 00:45

We spend about £100 on birthdays, dd1 recently turned 16 and we spent a bit more this year as she's had exams etc and somehow 16 feels big. I'd say your presents sound just about right

charlestonchaplin · 27/08/2015 07:10

The amount spent is not excessive and the items are modest ones but I hate reinforcing the prevalent message that lots of stuff is what a good life is all about. But, I am certainly in the minority and admittedly old-fashioned.

redskybynight · 27/08/2015 07:32

£65 sounds relatively modest - I guess it sounds like a lot of presents on paper though. Does DH know the actual amount you spent? My DS has recently turned 11 and loads of his friends got phones for their birthdays.

HackerFucker22 · 27/08/2015 07:38

Our kids are young but I think when they are old enough we'll give the option of 1 big present or several smaller presents.

Parties and stuff we'll have to see. We'll not be offering parties until kids are much older. Their birthday's both fall around Xmas (a month before and a month after) so we have that dynamic too.

MargaretSchlegel · 27/08/2015 07:42

we spend £100-200 plus party for our DC's birthdays
we've got the cash, we get them very little in between Christmas and birthdays, and perhaps most significantly, I am from very working class stock and we do like a nice bit of conspicuous consumption.

Isetan · 27/08/2015 07:43

In isolation, your list doesn't sound OTT but when you factor in her other presents, the total does sound excessive. A laptop and a iPad for a 10 year old, I would be v Hmm at that. You say you've calmed down from what you did in the past, so it could be that your H is fatigued from the amount of stuff she's got in the past and your 'reduction', hasn't really registered in light of all the other stuff. Do you agree with the gifts from her indulgent GP's, because it sounds like you half heartedly say indulgent, when your quite happy for a 10 year old to have all that kit.

There is a compromise but you have stop thinking that your way is normal and your H's way is abnormal.

This year DD asked for cash as well as gifts and it was interesting that she wasn't keen on spending 'her' cash on most of her list. When she had to make choices she was more careful.

exLtEveDallas · 27/08/2015 07:45

We would spend more than that on DD - but then we always spend more on birthdays than on Xmas. She probably gets about £150 on birthday and £100 on Xmas.

My DH is tight in other ways, but not on birthdays or Xmas - those days are special.

attheendoftheday · 27/08/2015 07:51

It sounds very reasonable and not at all OTT to me. £65 is not an excessive amount from my perspective, and nor does the party sound excessive.

I hope she has a lovely time!

Original poster
WyrdByrd · 27/08/2015 08:22

Isetan I have mixed feelings about the tech tbh.

We couldn't afford to go out and buy that kind of thing for her and she's very lucky to have GPS that can & will. She's also a good kid and uses it sensibly most of the time.

She's hardly the only child of 10/11 to have a lot of tech in her life, although I would have waited another 18 months and done the laptop for secondary school indulgent GPs who aren't so good with the word 'no' tbh

We've just got her an Osper card & started doing regular pocket money so she's starting to learn the value of things.

OP posts:
BathshebaDarkstone · 27/08/2015 08:32

We buy 1 toy and 1 set of clothes/fancy dress/pjs. We are very poor, but I've always said that even if we won the lottery we'd stick to this.

Original poster
WyrdByrd · 27/08/2015 08:48

You say you've calmed down from what you did in the past, so it could be that your H is fatigued from the amount of stuff she's got in the past and your 'reduction', hasn't really registered in light of all the other stuff

Taking Christmas for example, I think we just have very different ideas. I suspect he probably got one present (probably sports kit) and maybe some sweets and that was it.

To me normal is one bigger present and a stocking - last year DD had clothes as her main present (a dress, couple of pairs of fancy tights, jumper, 2 tops and a pair of leggings - all H&M, New Look, supermarket stuff), and a stocking of 'fun stuff' - couple of books, bath bombs, DVD, choc/sweets, an inexpensive necklace, stationery etc.

I think DH thinks a main present should be a main present regardless of cost, whereas if I set a budget of £50 and there's not a big thing she wants, I will spend £50 on assorted smaller items. He would probably buy the most important/expensive item on the list and leave it at that (in this case a £12 basketball)!

OP posts:
Original poster
WyrdByrd · 27/08/2015 08:50

AmyLee who tells you you're stingy?!

OP posts:
ephemeralfairy · 27/08/2015 08:58

That all sounds fine to me! When I was growing up big presents from my mum were for birthdays. Christmas was usually just stocking and something extra like a cuddly toy or a new top or necklace. It's at Christmas that kids get overwhelmed with presents from wider family and friends so birthday presents are more special in my eyes. Also surely it makes more sense to keep costs down at Christmas and splash out for birthdays, so you spread the cost??

Isetan · 27/08/2015 09:21

The thing is OP, your thread is entitled AIBU or is my DH tight/ or old fashioned? You both have different ideas to gift giving and there is a comprimise but as long as you are of the idea that he's abnormal, then your either going to be resentful and/ or rebel. The norm for your family is what you and your H decide and tbh your parents giving v expensive presents must feel undermining to him. Your parents can say no but they choose not to and you appear to have aligned yourself with there way.

As I said, in isolation your list isn't excessive but maybe your H is looking at the bigger picture and you're not.

Toughasoldboots · 27/08/2015 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WyrdByrd · 27/08/2015 09:51

Grin @ Tough

It's my in laws that were responsible for the iPad...my parents topped up DDs birthday & Christmas money which she chose to save towards a laptop.

It's not all me & my parents here, and DH finds it absolutely impossible to say 'no' to MIL, not that that's what the thread is about.

OP posts:
Lndnmummy · 27/08/2015 10:03

I dont think it is excessive but everyone has different views. Can you not agree a limit in advance of christmas/birthdays and anything above and beyond that you pay for?

Caboodle · 27/08/2015 11:27

I spend more than that on DCs for birthdays and quite a bit more for Christmas usually. Your presents sound lovely and really not too much at all. Birthday party sounds perfect to (and perfectly sensible). It also sounds like you are quite a canny shopper.

FWIW my kids have loads of tech but quite a bit was second hand (favourite Uncle is a techie and will often pass stuff on - quite often we have made them pool pocket money to pay so they understand it doesn't come from the fairies); it is a godsend - 3 x Kindles mean they are reading on the plane / in the car; being able to play games on the consoles have meant they have built on friendships only recently made after a house move and soon to be received Raspberry Pi (sp?) means DC1 can begin his coding obsession.

What does DC2 want for his birthday in a couple of weeks? Surprises - now that is a pain in the arse. Much rather have a list Grin

BarbarianMum · 27/08/2015 11:40

Sounds fine OP. Ds1 got a basketball hoop for his last birthday. Cost quite a bit more than £65 too, so if your dh is OK with that I'd go with odd not tight.

SouthWestmom · 27/08/2015 11:42

Op I have sent a pm

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 27/08/2015 19:25

Plans visit to the Range.....