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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to feel this way?

115 replies

wonderingwhattodo23 · 26/08/2015 11:36

I have NC'd for this, as this could be identifying.

Generally I get on with DH's family quite well, although I have had a run in with SIL before, when I stuck up for DH.

But right now I am bubbling away with anger and I feel like I might explode. I am working on this in therapy, and trying to contain it. The problem is, I can't tell if my feelings are justified, or if the problem is actually me.

SIL never refers to our DD by her actual name. When DD was born SIL called her a variety of very twee and nonsensical nicknames. None of which are related to DDs name in any way. One of these has stuck in their house (SIL lives with PIL) and SIL now calls DD nothing else. She has hashtags on instagram and facebook referring to this nickname.

Now, I am well aware that I cannot control my DCs getting nicknames, but DD isn't yet 3, and the nickname isn't a shortening of her name in any way.

Another thing is that SIL will take DD out for the day when DD is supposed to be with PIL. PIL allow this obviously, but I feel it is actually really rude that SIL doesn't approach us at all to mention this. We find out after the fact. We would be happy for her to have DD, but SIL does nothing to maintain a relationship with us, and this leaves me feeling a bit like a spare womb. I have given birth to this child and now I am no longer needed or considered. SIL has named her, SIL can just take her wherever without our prior knowledge.

And finally, SIL has a partner who she has been with for almost a year now. I have met him 3 times, but only once have I actually had a conversation with him. DH is the same. Yet I have just found out that HE has a photo of DD on his instagram from 6 months ago, when we had only met him once in passing. In that post he also refers to DD as the nickname. He has also joined SIL on these trips out. I am uncomfortable with our child being places and with people that we don't know, especially as she is so young. I am not suggesting there is anything untoward, more that there is a complete disrespect for the fact that we are her parents and we are ultimately responsible for her welfare. If something were to happen on one of these days out and we didn't even know where our toddler is...

FWIW PIL have DD one morning a week, at their request. I am a SAHM so these mornings are purely to encourage DD to have a relationship with her GPs, and aren't childcare.

So AIBU to be really uncomfortable with this situation? I want to say something, but SIL has a habit of turning into the victim, sulking and refusing to listen. So I have no idea how to approach it. DH is as stumped as I am, and equally as annoyed.

I want DD to have a great relationship with her aunt, and I think it is great that SIL thinks so much of DD, but I don't want to come across as the nightmare SIL/DIL by demanding respect as DDs parent.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/08/2015 11:43

Sorry but I think you're coming across as a teensy bit precious here.

So an aunt has an affectionate nickname for her niece and takes her out for a couple of hours once a week?

Unless she's under the age of 12, I really cant think you've got too much to worry about.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 26/08/2015 11:52

If you aren't happy with these things, then make it a family outing to have dinner with granny...

When dd is older, she can influence the choices more.

Family visits do not have to be granny and baby only, they can involve more layers of family.

You might be PFB, but she is your dd, and your responsibility to parent her.

My sister called both of my dcs "pickle". Just for fun. But she uses there names a lot more than pickle.

She is a pretty good auntie, lives far away but buys things if they are needed. As well as a few selected treats. Nothing overwhelming.

Considering we hated each other growing up, she has turned out brilliant.

She will always tell me a rough plan if she wants to take one/ both dcs out.

Usually "can I take the baby in to work to show my friends? 12-1 is lunchtime and they can all fuss/cuddle

Can ds come to footie? 3 good friends and rest of team there

Can I take ds to park for an hour, you can join us when dd wakes up

Common manners, I think.

I also think we have agreed to all her suggestions!

WorraLiberty · 26/08/2015 11:55

I just thought. How can your SIL take your DD out for the day, if she's only there for one morning per week?

AuntyMag10 · 26/08/2015 11:59

'Bubbling away with anger' you really are overreacting and it seems like you have some obsession with hating your sil.

I can't see that she has done anything wrong. She hasn't 'named' your childConfused have you really never heard children being called nicknames? I call my first dn 'my xxx', by no means is she mine or even her name , but just the affection I have for her.

You could mention if they are taking her out to let you or dh know, but again hardly anything major. Do you like your sil?

BarbarianMum · 26/08/2015 12:00

If you don't want your SiL taking your dd out or posting photos of her then tell her that and speak to your PiL also.

You clearly don't like each other very much so there is not going to be a warm relationship bw you. If that means you also don't want her to have a good relationship with your dd, well that's also your (and your dh's) choice (albeit a sad one if you say you fundementally trust her).

The nickname - just leave it unless it upsets your dd. Honestly, it is beyond your control. We had the opposite. Dsis and BiL had a very twee nickname for their son which we refused to use despite their repeated attempts.

Jinglebells99 · 26/08/2015 12:04

If you are not happy with your sil taking your dd out, I would stop leaving your dd at your parent in laws. Why not just visit with your dd? Does your dd enjoy going out with your sil / visiting in Laws?

Original poster
wonderingwhattodo23 · 26/08/2015 12:05

She takes her out on that morning. I say out for the day, but I mean day trips, to farms or shopping etc. I have no problem with SIL doing this stuff with DD, but I don't find out its happening until I go to pick DD up.

I would never dream of taking someone's child without the parents knowledge. Plus it eats into PILs time with DD, and I get the feeling MIL isn't happy with that, but SIL can be a bit of a bully towards MIL. Sorry to drip feed, but the OP was so long already.

I would never refuse SIL, unless it clashed with already made plans or whatever.

And the thing with the nickname, if it was occasional, or she used her actual name too then it would be ok. But she has never called her her actual name. Not once.

If she had a baby and DH and I made up a name for it and never called it the name it was given, SIL wouldn't stand for it.

I am worried that I am being precious, but I am not PFB. I can't explain or it will out me, but I am not PFB. It does come across as precious. But I am working on healthy boundaries in therapy, and this feels like a situation I need to address.

Its also the fact that SIL makes no effort with DH or I. That is fine in a sense, as I don't need or want a relationship with her, but some general politeness or regard for us wouldn't go amiss.

OP posts:
Original poster
wonderingwhattodo23 · 26/08/2015 12:08

I don't hate her. I don't like her either though. I really am indifferent to her when it comes to everything else, but when it comes to DD, I just know that none of this stuff would wash if the situation were reversed.

OP posts:
Original poster
wonderingwhattodo23 · 26/08/2015 12:10

DD loves her GPs, but could take or leave SIL.

I am taking on board all that you are saying. If it turns out I am being ridiculous then I won't say anything and just try to ignore it.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 26/08/2015 12:12

Is there any chance that PIL are grateful for the break, when SiL takes your child out for a few hours? I agree with the comments upthread, who suggest that perhaps you could reduce the time your child spends with PiL and make sure you are there on visits.

msgrinch · 26/08/2015 12:15

yabu and pfb. I can't see anything wrong with what she's doing.

WorraLiberty · 26/08/2015 12:17

Do you and your DH make an effort to have a relationship with your SIL?

BarbarianMum · 26/08/2015 12:17

OK then. It is perfectly reasonable that, if you leave your dd in PiL's care, she remains in their care unless you agree otherwise. Most people like to know who their small children are with. Tell them this.

The nickname though - really, leave it. You may find that your dd likes it or tells them to stop. I'd only recommend saying something if it upsets her. The truth is that, if your SiL has a child, you can call it what you like and there will be nothing she can do about it - apart from ask you nicely to use the chosen name,scream, shout, sulk and cut contact. These options are open to you also.

NickiFury · 26/08/2015 12:17

Hmm, I don't think you are being that unreasonable actually. Your child is still very young and I think I would find it hard that she was out there with someone you don't particularly get on with and you don't know where she is or what she's doing etc. I wouldn't allow it myself but I wouldn't ask my PIL to provide childcare either because you can't really call the shots if you do that.

Original poster
wonderingwhattodo23 · 26/08/2015 12:17

As I said in the OP, this arrangement is at PILs request, and actually, they want her more rather than less, but for now one morning is all that suits us all between their commitments and ours. If they can't do it one week it is a simple case of telling us. We make no demands of them at all.

PIL have no desire to have a relationship with DH or I outside of DD either. MIL feels like she is intruding so tends to hold back, although she is always welcome and I have never done anything to make her feel that way. Honestly. She tends to overthink things at times and doesn't want to be seen as a nightmare MIL.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 26/08/2015 12:21

So how often do you invite your PiL over, or on family days out? My MiL is very, very careful not to offend or encroach or assume (she has 3 sons and all 3 of us DiL adore her). We regularly ask them over so they see more of our boys.

BloodshotEyes · 26/08/2015 12:21

I would be concerned about SIL's partner. It sounds like you really don't know him at all, so for him to be spending time with your 3 year-old, and putting pictures on FB would make me uneasy. Especially as you say the FB picture was put up after he'd only been with your SIL for 6 months.

WorraLiberty · 26/08/2015 12:22

You'll just have to ask her to let you know when your SIL is taking her out for a few hours.

I think that's a reasonable request.

But I really wouldn't sweat the other stuff.

Clueing4looks · 26/08/2015 12:22

My sister had a crappy nickname for my dd and wouldn't stop calling her it, birthday cards were addressed to 'nickname', she even had one of those wooden name things made. It was irritating. When my dd was about 3/4 and in nursery she turned to her aunt and said 'actually my name is X' and that was the end of it.

NickiFury · 26/08/2015 12:24

Well then, I would say that I want dd to stay with PIL when they're , caring for her but be prepared for an almighty argument from your SIL. Personally this wouldn't bother me but I know some people get stressed with conflict.

WorraLiberty · 26/08/2015 12:24

He's got one photo on his Instagram Confused

There are some things you can 'control' and some things you need to let go. I think that is one of them.

I'm assuming she's clothed in the pic.

Original poster
wonderingwhattodo23 · 26/08/2015 12:25

I am not asking for childcare. I have stated so a number of times.

I am a SAHM. When DD is there I am at home like a spare part. I don't even get invited in when I drop her off. It is nice to get the break and I appreciate that. But this is in no way a favour to us.

We have always made an effort to have a relationship with SIL. Me in particular. I can't say how as it will definitely out me, but I have done a lot to try to include her and build a relationship without being pushy. She made things clear through her actions, so I backed off. We acknowledge her birthday, and buy her nice things at xmas. These gestures aren't returned, but I don't mind. My own family don't return things like that either. I don't do it to have it reciprocated.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 26/08/2015 12:26

At their express request, your PILs have your dd one morning a week 'purely to encourage' her to have a relationship with them, yet it appears that they're happy to palm your dd off onto your sil who takes her here, there, and everywhere according to her whim and who, incidentally, can't bring herself to refer to your dd by her given name either in public, private, or on social media.

The mystery is why you're working to contain your anger in therapy when you should have made your feelings known and ceased these morning visits long ago if those concerned didn't agree to inform you in advance of whatever outings they had in mind for dd.

Your sil is taking the piss seriously disrespecting you and her db because no-one's called her on it and I suspect this is because no-one is willing to risk her tantrums/petulance/bad moods if she doesn't get her own way.

As for sil's boyfriend having pix of your dd on his social media account, that is completely unacceptable and is another issue which needs to be addressed.

Original poster
wonderingwhattodo23 · 26/08/2015 12:28

We invite PILs round regularly, and we have invited MIL out on days out in the past when FIL was still working. We haven't done that lately though.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/08/2015 12:29

There's obviously more to this that you feel you can't say, through fear of being outed.

But you've name changed so why worry?

On the face of it YABU, apart from wanting to know where your DD is and who she's with.

If there's more to it, then we obviously don't know if YABU or not.