aibu to feel this way?

[wonderingwhattodo23]

I have NC'd for this, as this could be identifying.

Generally I get on with DH's family quite well, although I have had a run in with SIL before, when I stuck up for DH.

But right now I am bubbling away with anger and I feel like I might explode. I am working on this in therapy, and trying to contain it. The problem is, I can't tell if my feelings are justified, or if the problem is actually me.

SIL never refers to our DD by her actual name. When DD was born SIL called her a variety of very twee and nonsensical nicknames. None of which are related to DDs name in any way. One of these has stuck in their house (SIL lives with PIL) and SIL now calls DD nothing else. She has hashtags on instagram and facebook referring to this nickname.

Now, I am well aware that I cannot control my DCs getting nicknames, but DD isn't yet 3, and the nickname isn't a shortening of her name in any way.

Another thing is that SIL will take DD out for the day when DD is supposed to be with PIL. PIL allow this obviously, but I feel it is actually really rude that SIL doesn't approach us at all to mention this. We find out after the fact. We would be happy for her to have DD, but SIL does nothing to maintain a relationship with us, and this leaves me feeling a bit like a spare womb. I have given birth to this child and now I am no longer needed or considered. SIL has named her, SIL can just take her wherever without our prior knowledge.

And finally, SIL has a partner who she has been with for almost a year now. I have met him 3 times, but only once have I actually had a conversation with him. DH is the same. Yet I have just found out that HE has a photo of DD on his instagram from 6 months ago, when we had only met him once in passing. In that post he also refers to DD as the nickname. He has also joined SIL on these trips out. I am uncomfortable with our child being places and with people that we don't know, especially as she is so young. I am not suggesting there is anything untoward, more that there is a complete disrespect for the fact that we are her parents and we are ultimately responsible for her welfare. If something were to happen on one of these days out and we didn't even know where our toddler is...

FWIW PIL have DD one morning a week, at their request. I am a SAHM so these mornings are purely to encourage DD to have a relationship with her GPs, and aren't childcare.

So AIBU to be really uncomfortable with this situation? I want to say something, but SIL has a habit of turning into the victim, sulking and refusing to listen. So I have no idea how to approach it. DH is as stumped as I am, and equally as annoyed.

I want DD to have a great relationship with her aunt, and I think it is great that SIL thinks so much of DD, but I don't want to come across as the nightmare SIL/DIL by demanding respect as DDs parent.

I agree with NickiFury saying this:

Ok, I would tell in laws that you want dd to stay with them. I would tell SIL that you would like your small child to stay with them too because you're not comfortable not knowing where she is.

If you genuinely don't mind SIL taking your DD out, but want to know where she is, then you need to stipulate this.

It's not being precious to want to know where your 3 year old is.

But I agree with pps that you probably have to leave the nickname thing. I agree it's irritating (I've had similar), but you can never control it completely.

But do you not discuss your annoyance with your DH when dd is in the house. you don't have to speak to her directly for her to pick things up. and your OP says you are bubbling over with anger.... I would guess your dd senses that.

I don't think SIL sounds scared at all. I think she sounds like someone who is willing to have a massive tantrum when things don't go her way and who doesn't think she should have to request anything even from her nieces own mother

but that is from the opinions of someone who clearly dislikes her. Two sides to every story. I bet the SIL could say the same thing of the OP.

Yanbu. There's nothing wrong with how you feel. Your actions aren't reflecting how you feel and that's where your problem is. You're conflicted by allowing behaviour to continue that you don't like. So unless you can change how you feel (doubtful, and why should you) then you're going to have to change your boundaries.

Personally the nickname thing would kill me. I wouldn't have it. Would I be precious for that. Yep, sue me.

If my child was being brought out by this person without my knowledge then my child wouldn't be left with the PIL. I'd make alternative arrangements for them to see her.

I don't mean to dismiss the difficulty of it but I've become very black and white with my boundaries due to necessity (long story) and I never been happier.

It's quite simple?

DH and I discuss things when DD is in bed.

I didn't want to have to say this, as it is very identifying, but I also have an older child that isn't DHs, so I am used to hiding my feelings about people (ie my ex) from the DCs. We are very very careful about what we say in front of them. I grew up in a household where my mother bitched about everyone, and poisoned me against people on purpose. I am not going to let the same happen to my DCs.

I have no issue with SIL having DD. None at all. It is the fact that I don't know about it until after the fact that I have a problem with.

I will try to let the nickname thing go then, as so many of you have said I am being precious about that.

(Re the bubbling over...I have a lot of other issues going on, and sometimes things overwhelm me and they go round and round in my head because there is no outlet. I am terrified of conflict because of my childhood so let things build up too far at times.)

I would feel the same in your position. If my child was going to be taken out of the house I'd left her in, I'd expect to know exactly where and for how long. If she was going to be in the care of different people, I'd expect permission to be asked. There is absolutely no way I would allow her to go on outings without me where random boyfriends would be. I also wouldn't allow pictures of facebook/instagram because there is a genuine security risk.

I would explain to the GPs that DD is there primarily to spend time with them, under their responsibility, and if this isn't happening there will be no more sole charge as there clearly isn't a need for it. I would pleasantly explain to SIL that if she wants to take DD out she must ask directly, but that you are unwilling to give her sole charge for a while, given the breach of trust. And yes, I would absolutely say that her name is XXX and while I don't mind the odd nickname, I would appreciate it if her name could mainly be used as it's confusing otherwise.

It wouldn't remotely bother me if anyone thought the worse of me. If you want to take someone else's child out, you ask and tell them who will be there and where you're hoping to go to. Simple.

If someone was calling my child by a nickname and refused to use her actual name, and continued to do it after I asked them politely to stop, then they wouldn't be around my child. I'm not joking!

It would seem that far from doting aunts/besotted spinsters, what's going on here is power play in a dysfunctional family dynamic.

The sil is either the golden child or has appropriated that position for herself and uses it to keep her dps in thrall to her moods.

The OP is best advised to invite her pils to spend time with dd in her home, or on outings that she devises, and have as little to do with the sil as possible. This will not be to sil's liking but it's to be hoped that those who are most affected by her wrath will either let it wash over them or start growing a pair.

Deliverance may come if the sil moves in with the bf, but it seems more likely that she'll move him in with her dps/the OP's pils.

I suggest you post on the Relationships boards, wondering, as many responders have experienced similar issues with their various ils and you will receive sound advice as to how to deal with the effects of your sil's entitled and unreasonable behaviour.

but that is from the opinions of someone who clearly dislikes her. Two sides to every story. I bet the SIL could say the same thing of the OP.

I have obviously done something to make SIL dislike me so much. There are two sides to every story. But I have thought about it every way round and I cannot figure out what. I have never had a tantrum. Once I merely stuck up for DH. I didn't shout or scream, I didn't insult her. I told her she was wrong. That is it. I have tried, and when it looked like it wasn't going anywhere I stopped because I didn't want to come across as pushy.

I have had threads about her before, last year when the worst stuff happened, and a few posters thought she sounded jealous. I don't know what she could be jealous of. I blame myself in life, and if I could figure out how to blame myself for this I already would have. Even if it was a simple clash of personalities, the whole thing is a bit extreme for that.

OP I don't think you're being unreasonable about the nickname. A name is a very personal thing and you gave your child her name. It's her name. For someone else to give her another name isn't on - it smacks of undermining you and I wouldn't stand for it. I agree with Love. If this person can't do you and your DD the courtesy of calling her by her given name then she has no business being intimately involved in her life.

If my ILs couldn't be bothered to have a relationship with me and (even more) DH, then they wouldn't get to have much of one with our children.
Its one thing for them to offer child care, or just see the DC regularly, but I would expect at least 50% of the time spent with the DC to have one or other parent also there (outside of any child care they offered and I wanted).

If as part of that time we had agreed that their Aunt could take them out that would be fine.

But I would also be very unhappy with anyone posting pictures of my child on social media, especially someone I barely knew.

Personally I can't imagine getting into such a situation, and wonder why your (and your DH's) boundaries are so low.

I don't think your being unreasonable in the slightest. It sounds like a very similar situation I had with bil and my dc, it wasn't about him being a doting uncle or wanting to spend time with the children it was all about his need to undermine me and show me that i didn't matter. For the same reason he would purposefully shove his camera in my eldests face and take her picture constantly even when she was asking him not to-then he would smirk in my direction when he could see me biting my tongue towards him whilst removing said child away from the situation. It came to a head when he outright told dp that I couldn't be present when he saw our children because he didn't like the children deferring to me and not him.
Your perfectly within your right to know where your child is and with whom and I would not be happy with the boyfriend whom I barely know having a picture online. Assert yourself, you'll see a huge shift in your suppressed anger.

Personally I can't imagine getting into such a situation, and wonder why your (and your DH's) boundaries are so low.

DH and I are very similar in this regard. We both grew up in households with one younger sibling who became the golden child. We were both blamed for everything. I know that I was blamed for everything that was wrong in the world, and I still am. Conflict was always two parents against one child, and I had no hope of being listened to or my opinion given any weight.

DH and I both avoid conflict. Even with each other. I don't know if that is healthy or not, but we are happy together and we sort out any conflicts we have in a super calm fashion.

All of that added to the fact that DH has said a few times now about the nickname, and each time it was ignored, makes us both unwilling to approach it again, because this time it will need to be approached with a bit more force, and neither of us want that to spill over into a row. SIL will make it into a row because she knows DH will back right off.

Then I'm afraid you need to own this shit and go for the row if needs be or nothing is ever going to get resolved and you'll spend the rest of your days tense and frustrated over this issue. I get that you don't like rows - I don't much either but if I couldn't face putting my case strongly enough then I'd take steps to make sure the situation couldn't occur again - you do have the power to do that you know!
Do you seriously intend to let this just roll on for ever?

SIL will make it into a row because she knows DH will back right off.

This is why she does what she does, your dh and you need to learn to assert yourselves and stand by your requests even in the face of tantrums. It can be done and it isn't as scary as it seems to be before you do it but it is liberating and good your your children too as they will learn to be assertive and not to accept being treat shoddily even by family.

*good for your children

But how do we make these people understand all this? I know I have to be assertive, and I am working on that, but I am terrified that we will be accused of being precious, of being controlling, or not wanting DD to have good relationships with her family. FIL is a reasonable man most of the time, but he can just shut you down when he wants. And he does, regularly.

All the suggestions on this thread are great, and are exactly what I want to say, but once it is brought up they will all immediately become defensive and try to protect the status quo. SIL will become the victim and PILs will leap to her aid and DH and I will be sat there like pariahs.

Let your SIL create a row then. You can't control your SIL. All you can do is control how you react to her. If your Dh and you are both in agreement about the nickname who can she argue with so, and about what? Let her blow off steam and wear herself out.

But you know you're not precious, controlling or insular. Them saying it doesn't make it so you know! I think one sentence will cover it and then move on. If it starts to turn into something then leave saying you'll return when everyone's had time to think.

I have obviously done something to make SIL dislike me so much

That's not the case as sometimes all that's necessary for someone to dislike you is to simply be in in their life in one way or another and any other incumbent of the role you play will attract the same hostility/dislike from them.

I would really really strongly suggest you and DH get some help, then to rebuild your boundaries. Its fine between you two as you are nice people, but others will take advantage.

I would also move further away if possible, so you can be less available.
I would definitely organise a new activity/nursery so that your DD is just not available on her regular day, and start cutting back on the contact.

Please try to sort through your and DHs childhood legacy, before it perpetuates to another generation. You really don't want them to use your DD as another way to make you feel awful.
You might never say anything bad about SIL or PIL to her, but do you think they will return the favour?

I BTW am a stroppy only child.

You don't need to make them understand anything. You don't need to explain yourself or your boundaries and decisions. You start a new routine and stick to it. Any questions them might ask you have a standard answer prepared long in advance. They want to argue, don't take it personally and don't get involved.

"I am terrified that we will be accused of being precious, of being controlling, or not wanting DD to have good relationships with her family"

So what? She is your DD, you should be controlling - you are her parents and she is very young. If they are not good for her, then why would you want her to have relationships with them?

If: "but once it is brought up they will all immediately become defensive and try to protect the status quo. SIL will become the victim and PILs will leap to her aid and DH and I will be sat there like pariahs.
Why would you be sat there? "
I would leave. If someone starts to attack you, you leave (with your DC) and make it a long time before you return.

Why does anything need to be brought up with PIL or SIL. Tell them nothing. Let them ask questions when the status quo changes and give them drivel for an answer

All the issues being raised here I am working on with my therapist. So that's good. :) Specifically so it doesn't perpetuate to another generation.

I really don't want to take GPs away from DD. She will be starting nursery in a year, so it will end then in its current form. They have a blind spot when it comes to SIL but in general they are very generous and loving towards our family unit, and they adore DD.