aibu to feel this way?

[wonderingwhattodo23]

I have NC'd for this, as this could be identifying.

Generally I get on with DH's family quite well, although I have had a run in with SIL before, when I stuck up for DH.

But right now I am bubbling away with anger and I feel like I might explode. I am working on this in therapy, and trying to contain it. The problem is, I can't tell if my feelings are justified, or if the problem is actually me.

SIL never refers to our DD by her actual name. When DD was born SIL called her a variety of very twee and nonsensical nicknames. None of which are related to DDs name in any way. One of these has stuck in their house (SIL lives with PIL) and SIL now calls DD nothing else. She has hashtags on instagram and facebook referring to this nickname.

Now, I am well aware that I cannot control my DCs getting nicknames, but DD isn't yet 3, and the nickname isn't a shortening of her name in any way.

Another thing is that SIL will take DD out for the day when DD is supposed to be with PIL. PIL allow this obviously, but I feel it is actually really rude that SIL doesn't approach us at all to mention this. We find out after the fact. We would be happy for her to have DD, but SIL does nothing to maintain a relationship with us, and this leaves me feeling a bit like a spare womb. I have given birth to this child and now I am no longer needed or considered. SIL has named her, SIL can just take her wherever without our prior knowledge.

And finally, SIL has a partner who she has been with for almost a year now. I have met him 3 times, but only once have I actually had a conversation with him. DH is the same. Yet I have just found out that HE has a photo of DD on his instagram from 6 months ago, when we had only met him once in passing. In that post he also refers to DD as the nickname. He has also joined SIL on these trips out. I am uncomfortable with our child being places and with people that we don't know, especially as she is so young. I am not suggesting there is anything untoward, more that there is a complete disrespect for the fact that we are her parents and we are ultimately responsible for her welfare. If something were to happen on one of these days out and we didn't even know where our toddler is...

FWIW PIL have DD one morning a week, at their request. I am a SAHM so these mornings are purely to encourage DD to have a relationship with her GPs, and aren't childcare.

So AIBU to be really uncomfortable with this situation? I want to say something, but SIL has a habit of turning into the victim, sulking and refusing to listen. So I have no idea how to approach it. DH is as stumped as I am, and equally as annoyed.

I want DD to have a great relationship with her aunt, and I think it is great that SIL thinks so much of DD, but I don't want to come across as the nightmare SIL/DIL by demanding respect as DDs parent.

You don't need to take the GPs away from your DD, just change the arrangements to suit you better

My aunt took me out all the time at the weekends, from I was a baby until I was teenager and wanted to do my own thing. When my gran minded my much younger cousins, I often took them to the shops/parks for a bit to let her recharge. She didn't have to check with their mum if it was okay first?

Maybe make more of an effort to get to know her partner, and give her one morning a week of her own to do things with dd? If something were to go wrong, it would have by now. I think it's nice she obviously adores and wants to spend time with your dd.

would you object if it was the aprents who took your child out for a trip, as i can't see the difference to be honest, she is part of the family group in that house where your child is visiting.

One of the hardest things for my dp to learn was that we don't have to explain or defend our choices to anyone.

It really doesn't matter if they think your being precious, or over the top or difficult. Stop caring about what they think of you or how you look to others all that matters is that you are doing your best and making your decisions together as parents.

You ask sil to drop you a text and check before she takes dc out, sil throws a strop and asks why should she have to do that (my bil asked similar) your reply 'because we've asked you too' smile and carry on as you were.

counselling would help you a great deal I think, it did my dp and even myself. We're in the unfortunate situation where both our families have similar dysfunctional dynamics but since I and my dp learnt robot control my reactions to everyone else and not care about their reacts to my perfectly normal and healthy requests things have been so much better for us all around.

Changing arrangements would be just as bad. MIL would take it personally.

God, the more I type the worse it sounds.

My parents are very all their way or nothing at all. Currently it is nothing at all with them.

But do you ever get to the point where there are so many issues that you begin to think you must be the problem?

My therapist has seen the emails between me and my own mother, and assures me the problem is not me. But its hard to accept that so many people around me can be demanding so much from me, and giving so little regard for my opinions or thoughts. It is like I don't have the right to be a person, to be a parent. I make demands of no one. I expect nothing. But I still end up being the bad guy.

At least if she had a morning or afternoon of her own (say Sunday) she would be picking dd up from you, and telling you the days plan, does dd need lunch, home for dinner etc. You then know where dd is, rather than always wondering where sil has taken her, knowing mil won't inform you (how hard is a quick text) and being out of the loop.

You have to assert yourself! Don't be afraid to say "no, I feel x, so y is not happening".

You can still be open to change, compromise and let the odd annoying thing slide (good you are working on anger issues) while making it clear you are dd's parent, and your word is final.

I think in this situation compromise is the answer. Dd has a chance to have a lovely relationship with her aunt. If her aunt can respect you are her mother, and if you want a quick text outlining where she's taking your daughter, and when she'll be back, she has to agree to do this. Reasonable request imo.

If they can't take on board what you're saying, then changes need to be made.

Wondering, maybe people demand a lot of you because you have been too eager to please for a long time? I have found if you write down exactly how you want things to be, you can find a way to do it.

As for your MIL taking it personally that you change arrangements.. again, what does it matter? What can she actually do or say that would be so tragic?

Maybe I have been to eager to please. I kind of saw it as behaving towards others how I would like others to behave towards me, but that has ended up enabling people to take the piss.

DH and I are already quite isolated in terms of friends and family. We are NC with my parents, and although I am on good terms with my brother, that doesn't translate into seeing him a lot. We see him when he wants something. Help or money usually. Same for the rest of my wider family. We are only considered when we are useful. I have tried to reach out in the past but have given up now.

The DCs are well connected in terms of friends and activities, and we have lots of days out and holidays together, so they aren't losing out, but DH and I could go whole months with our only contact with the outside world being PILs one morning a week, and obviously DHs work colleagues.

We sound like weirdos don't we. :(

You don't sound like 'weirdos' at all.

Many thousands of dps are raising their dcs in similar circumstancs and your only fault appears to be one of being overly considerate towards those who see kindness as weakness and have taken advantage of your good intentions towards others.

Why not make some friends then?

Friends can be far better than some families. You in particular as a SAHM need some friends. So chat to Mums at the children's activities, get involved with the school, do an evening class. Go out with another family. Invite people in for a coffee.

You may well have not learnt how to make friends when growing up, as your families kept you quite isolated due to their inward looking nature.

You don't sound like weirdos at all. Sometimes you have to grieve the loss of relationships, family relationships in particular, that don't turn out how you would have liked or hoped. Any sort of grief feels horribly isolating.

Fear of isolation shouldn't keep you forever kowtowing to the in laws. It's understandable if it does but it's obviously not working out too well for you.

I have one friend, but she has no DCs so naturally our lives are very different and the times we are both available don't coincide often.

You may well have not learnt how to make friends when growing up, as your families kept you quite isolated due to their inward looking nature.

Well that hit the nail on the head. I now view other people as leeches and find myself constantly trying to figure out what they want from me.

But this has gone off on a tangent. I do need to tackle this, and DH and I will have to figure out how best to go about it.

You do come across as precious however, nothing will ever change unless you speak up. All you need to say is that you have no problem with sil taking your daughter out but you would just like her to let you know beforehand. You say you're worried about the backlash but tbh you'll just have to deal with it. If you don't like something but you're not actively trying to change it you can't really moan about it.

Do you want her to let you know or do you want her to ask for permission? Because I can't see why they would object to being asked to keep you informed.

God OP I can't believe people saying YABU and precious! This would seriously upset me. I agree with PP who said if your PILs want to se DD one morning a week, they should spend it with her! Letting SIL take her out instead is just weird. It's also weird that it's being done in this second-hand way and SIL doesn't inform you AND there's a bloke involved who you barely know! And she's only little.

And SIL is getting her way by tantrumming - no no no no no.

I would be changing the arrangements - PIL get to visit you instead, or have a day out with you, to spend time with DD. Yes the shit will hit the fan but tough. You've had enough and you want DD to spend time with your grandparents. They're too weak to stand up to SIL, but you can as you've less to lose. If she hates you, so what? She sounds awful.

Sorry her grandparents

I would prefer if SIL would make an arrangement directly with me for a time that doesn't eat into the time DD spends with PIL.

My ex's sister is capable of doing so regarding my eldest child, and I have never refused her yet.

"FWIW PIL have DD one morning a week, at their request. I am a SAHM so these mornings are purely to encourage DD to have a relationship with her GPs, and aren't childcare."

regardless of silly accusations of PFb (Oh god I hate that) what you can do now is start changing things so that DD has other stuff on - playgroups, activities, play dates.

When you put it like that it sounds reasonable, can you not put it to them like that, about eating into gp's time?

Does your dd enjoy her time with her auntie?

Sometimes when I am at my mothers and my nieces and nephews are there it's very hard for me to go anywhere without them because they insist want to come with me. FWIW I don't check with their parents first but it's different for us as there's no back story or animosity.

I see your point, if she point blank refuses to use your DD's actual name, that sounds like she's doing it deliberately. Also, she should always let you know if she's taking her out anywhere, the same as a school or childminder would.

YANBU about the main issue, which is SIL taking your toddler DD anywhere without your prior knowledge. This is rude and unacceptable behaviour by your SIL and the GPs. I'm sure its doubly hard to address now because you didn't raise it as an issue the first time you became aware of it, but I think you have to change this situation as soon as you can, not in a year when she starts nursery. How you do that, I'm not sure...can you stay with DD at the GPs on their normal morning?

In all honesty, DD isn't that fussed on her at all. MIL was telling me the other day how "left out" SIL felt when DD was interacting with the partner more than with her. DD doesn't cry when she leaves us, but she does like reassurance that we will be back soon. I don't know much about what happens on the days out. I get a vague description of location/activity and that is it.

Another thing, that I forgot to add to the OP, is that they buy DD clothes and change her into them when shes there. DD is always in clean clothes so there is no need for this. But the clothes are of a different style than the type I buy, so I think its a case of differing tastes. I can understand if DD got messy or wet, but MIL tells us when that happens, as she washes the mucky clothes. Every photo of DD on SILs social media DD is wearing clothes that SIL bought. I don't know how I feel about that situation tbh.