aibu to feel this way?

[wonderingwhattodo23]

I have NC'd for this, as this could be identifying.

Generally I get on with DH's family quite well, although I have had a run in with SIL before, when I stuck up for DH.

But right now I am bubbling away with anger and I feel like I might explode. I am working on this in therapy, and trying to contain it. The problem is, I can't tell if my feelings are justified, or if the problem is actually me.

SIL never refers to our DD by her actual name. When DD was born SIL called her a variety of very twee and nonsensical nicknames. None of which are related to DDs name in any way. One of these has stuck in their house (SIL lives with PIL) and SIL now calls DD nothing else. She has hashtags on instagram and facebook referring to this nickname.

Now, I am well aware that I cannot control my DCs getting nicknames, but DD isn't yet 3, and the nickname isn't a shortening of her name in any way.

Another thing is that SIL will take DD out for the day when DD is supposed to be with PIL. PIL allow this obviously, but I feel it is actually really rude that SIL doesn't approach us at all to mention this. We find out after the fact. We would be happy for her to have DD, but SIL does nothing to maintain a relationship with us, and this leaves me feeling a bit like a spare womb. I have given birth to this child and now I am no longer needed or considered. SIL has named her, SIL can just take her wherever without our prior knowledge.

And finally, SIL has a partner who she has been with for almost a year now. I have met him 3 times, but only once have I actually had a conversation with him. DH is the same. Yet I have just found out that HE has a photo of DD on his instagram from 6 months ago, when we had only met him once in passing. In that post he also refers to DD as the nickname. He has also joined SIL on these trips out. I am uncomfortable with our child being places and with people that we don't know, especially as she is so young. I am not suggesting there is anything untoward, more that there is a complete disrespect for the fact that we are her parents and we are ultimately responsible for her welfare. If something were to happen on one of these days out and we didn't even know where our toddler is...

FWIW PIL have DD one morning a week, at their request. I am a SAHM so these mornings are purely to encourage DD to have a relationship with her GPs, and aren't childcare.

So AIBU to be really uncomfortable with this situation? I want to say something, but SIL has a habit of turning into the victim, sulking and refusing to listen. So I have no idea how to approach it. DH is as stumped as I am, and equally as annoyed.

I want DD to have a great relationship with her aunt, and I think it is great that SIL thinks so much of DD, but I don't want to come across as the nightmare SIL/DIL by demanding respect as DDs parent.

Your SIL is a controlling woman who is pretending to herself that your daughter is her daughter. She sounds really horrible.

I would imagine that as the golden child, any woman her brother got involved with would get the same treatment - it's pure and utter jealousy.

Does she work? How come she's always free when your daughter goes there?

About the name, it's difficult if you don't actually see her, but I would be tempted to shout, "Oh for god's sake, her name is X! Why do you never ever use that name?"

As for the clothes, it's not wrong or unusual to buy a child clothes that you like and love to see them dressed in them, but it is wrong and unusual to strip the child and make them wear different clothes so that you can pretend that child is yours.

Interesting that you are the one having the therapy when you sound entirely reasonable and lovely, where actually you are surrounded by people who seriously need help but will never seek it.

They change her clothes? WTF?

So your SIL doesn't call your child by the name you chose for her and doesn't take her out in the clothes you chose for her. If anyone is being unreasonable here it's your SIL.

OP, it really does sound like you need to practise setting boundaries. It doesn't even matter if your boundaries are precious, unreasonable or selfish. They're your boundaries. They can be whatever boundaries you want. It's not easy to start setting boundaries, but it does get easier with practice.

I was coming on to say YANBU, but then I saw the update about the clothes . You are definitely not being unreasonable about any thing you have said.

Please do not feel it's you. Please work on being more assertive - you need to nip this in the bud.

Good luck

Interesting that you are the one having the therapy when you sound entirely reasonable and lovely, where actually you are surrounded by people who seriously need help but will never seek it.

My counsellor has said exactly this a few times.

So your SIL doesn't call your child by the name you chose for her and doesn't take her out in the clothes you chose for her.

Well yes. You have summed up my feelings about this in a nice concise sentence. Thank you.

It has crossed my mind that she acts like DD is hers. The latest post on social media is a photo of DD between her and her partner holding both their hands, in a coat I have never seen before, on a day out.

But that isn't something you can accuse people of in a polite way, so I am trying to not think about that.

Yep, totally odd, OP, the clothes thing. You definitely need to sort this out.

The changing of clothes is weird.

op I'm not a big fan on family members still having access to your dc when they do not want to engage in a relasionship with yourself. They don't get to enjoy your children of they can not at least be civil to you. I've watched a family member involve her DGC in her silent treatment to their mother and it was poisonous.

Your SIL emotions are not your responsiblity. Tell her you want to be ^asked* next time. Who cares if she kicks off she doesn't like you any way.

I do understand what your going through as I am in a similar position

Is it chicken to compose a message and approach her that way? It means the chance of a row is less, and if she does try to throw a strop I can show PILs my perfectly reasonable message so they can see for themselves.

Or should I approach PILs. Or should I leave it all to DH and run the risk of the basic message being lost because they shut him down?

I'm not a big fan on family members still having access to your dc when they do not want to engage in a relasionship with yourself. They don't get to enjoy your children of they can not at least be civil to you. I've watched a family member involve her DGC in her silent treatment to their mother and it was poisonous.

The NC with my parents is over a similar situation. It is poisonous.

Thank you to everyone who has replied, whether you agree with me or not. It is really useful to hear other peoples opinions.

I am a grandmother to a child of that age. I would never let my dd whom the child adores take her anywhere without her mum knowing. We buy her clothes but never put them on her. We leave her parents decide that unless she was messing in the sink or something. Her mum.. Not my own child..is very very straight with us about what's ok or not. Even if we think it's bonkers we do it out of respect. Does the sil have a proper carseat? Also l was wondering do they pay any attention at all to your other child? I can tell my grandchild would not be called any nickname for too long!! Change your morning plan. Break the whole thing up. Go to swimming lessons or something. Then start again changing the whole dynamic. That sil is totally out of order. She makes me mad. Don't bother getting into any drama with her. Subtly change stuff around.

she has never called her her actual name. Not once
DH has said a few times now about the nickname, and each time it was ignored
they buy DD clothes and change her into them when shes there
Every photo of DD on SILs social media DD is wearing clothes that SIL bought

Op - your sil is asserting her authority over your daughter, deliberately ignoring the wishes of the parents and is creating and living a fantasy 'family' life with her partner by using your daughter. People who do things like that are mentally ill. YOU the parents HAVE to put a stop to this dysfunction involving your child for her own welfare.

your pil's refusal to acknowledge this behaviour from your sil is NOT your problem. Neither is it your problem if they get upset at any change in routine. They have already proven to you that they will not/can not behave like responsible grandparents and make no attempt to actually spend time with the gc or deal with the sil's unreasonable and dysfunctional behavior. therefore there is no point in you taking dc over there.

~ Stop taking your dc over to pil, make them come to you for contact with your dc, then when they come to your house you can find out what the 'plans' are and who they involve. SIL will also HAVE to approach you directly for any contact outside of this.
~ Have one last conversation in front of pil and sil about calling dc by her real name, let them know it is massively disrespectful to both you and dh and dc to deliberately refuse to do so. If they cannot respect you then they cannot have dc on their own.
~ Make it very clear that your dc is to remain in her own clothes - by calling her a different name, forcing her to change clothes and then parading her about town and on social media is not acceptable, they will end giving her identity issues!
~ i'd report the pics of your dc on the boyfriends instagram account - what do you even know about him? he's being given 'unsupervised' access to your dd by someone who clearly has mental health issues and for all you know he could be a paedophile/ex convict.

It's pretty obvious sil wants her own family and is using your dc to fulfill that need. That elephant in the room doesn't have to be discussed but you CAN refuse to enable and facillitate sil's toxic, negative,passive aggressive, manipulative and underhand behavior.

you and your dh are just going to have to pull your Big Girl/boy pants on and deal with this asap, i would suggest you start practicing your assertiveness NOW instead of allowing this dysfunction to continue. you always have the option of just ignoring any tantrums and flack. the longer you leave it, the harder it gets and the more 'little things' will creep in to make you doubt your own sanity.

I think once SIL has her own child she will drop your daughter like a hot brick, tbh, so the problem may well be resolved then.

Wasn't sure who was being unreasonable but the clothes thing would really piss me off. Your Sil is quite young and is the younger child - she might be just be being immature and silly but if you are uncomfortable - then say or do something. I have a dodgy sil but she's fond of my kids and they surprisingly are fond of her - i let it go but definitely on my terms. If someone was being really rude or shitty to me, i don't know if i could just give them access to my kids - probably not and definitely on my terms.

I think in general you are being a bit unreasonable. The only thing that would give me pause is your SIL changing your DD's clothes. That is really rather odd. The rest of it? Calling her by a nickname and taking her for outings? I honestly don't see anything wrong with that at all.

And I'm sorry to say that your child will most probably pick up on the undercurrents of tension in your relationships with your in-laws. No matter how pleasant you are to them, no matter how much you try to avoid discussing anything negative in front of your daughter, she will almost invariably sense the chilly/hostile/uncomfortable dynamic. It's really impossible to hide those things, and children are like heat-seeking missiles in detecting family strife.

Seriously, reclaim your daughter!!!

Start making plans that include you all for the day she is due to spend with your inlaws, include your SIL in those plans. Do not take no for an answer.

When your SIL calls your daughter the nickname, say, 'Don't call her that. When she is old enough to choose, nicknames are OK but for now, her own identity is important.' The repeat, 'Her name is XX.'. 'No SIL, it's XX.' 'SIL, I have asked you already not to call her that.' 'SIL, you are being childish, stop it.' And if it continues after that, take your daughter home.

Give yourself permission to define your own boundaries. Model good behaviour to your daughter, teach her that it is not OK to take away someone's right to decide what they do, what they are called and what they wear. For now, you are her voice, stand up for her!

Who knows why your SIL is doing this and what is so twisted in her relationship with her own mother that she is denying her a relationship with her granddaughter. It is very wierd that she is desperate for a relationship with a child, whose parents she seems to dislike. It is not healthy, get your daughter out of there!!!

This is creepy >>Another thing, that I forgot to add to the OP, is that they buy DD clothes and change her into them when shes there. DD is always in clean clothes so there is no need for this. But the clothes are of a different style than the type I buy, so I think its a case of differing tastes. I can understand if DD got messy or wet, but MIL tells us when that happens, as she washes the mucky clothes. Every photo of DD on SILs social media DD is wearing clothes that SIL bought. I don't know how I feel about that situation tbh.

You don't sound precious to me. You're a product of your upbringing, which you're aware and you're trying to break the cycle - your children will thank you for that :) I think though you do need to have an outlet for anger and other feelings that you're suppressing, my SIL has a punching bag in her garage, it gets a fair bit of abuse! I don't have any suggestions as I am one to let it be known when I'm not happy, and yes I am the family