aibu to feel this way?

[wonderingwhattodo23]

I have NC'd for this, as this could be identifying.

Generally I get on with DH's family quite well, although I have had a run in with SIL before, when I stuck up for DH.

But right now I am bubbling away with anger and I feel like I might explode. I am working on this in therapy, and trying to contain it. The problem is, I can't tell if my feelings are justified, or if the problem is actually me.

SIL never refers to our DD by her actual name. When DD was born SIL called her a variety of very twee and nonsensical nicknames. None of which are related to DDs name in any way. One of these has stuck in their house (SIL lives with PIL) and SIL now calls DD nothing else. She has hashtags on instagram and facebook referring to this nickname.

Now, I am well aware that I cannot control my DCs getting nicknames, but DD isn't yet 3, and the nickname isn't a shortening of her name in any way.

Another thing is that SIL will take DD out for the day when DD is supposed to be with PIL. PIL allow this obviously, but I feel it is actually really rude that SIL doesn't approach us at all to mention this. We find out after the fact. We would be happy for her to have DD, but SIL does nothing to maintain a relationship with us, and this leaves me feeling a bit like a spare womb. I have given birth to this child and now I am no longer needed or considered. SIL has named her, SIL can just take her wherever without our prior knowledge.

And finally, SIL has a partner who she has been with for almost a year now. I have met him 3 times, but only once have I actually had a conversation with him. DH is the same. Yet I have just found out that HE has a photo of DD on his instagram from 6 months ago, when we had only met him once in passing. In that post he also refers to DD as the nickname. He has also joined SIL on these trips out. I am uncomfortable with our child being places and with people that we don't know, especially as she is so young. I am not suggesting there is anything untoward, more that there is a complete disrespect for the fact that we are her parents and we are ultimately responsible for her welfare. If something were to happen on one of these days out and we didn't even know where our toddler is...

FWIW PIL have DD one morning a week, at their request. I am a SAHM so these mornings are purely to encourage DD to have a relationship with her GPs, and aren't childcare.

So AIBU to be really uncomfortable with this situation? I want to say something, but SIL has a habit of turning into the victim, sulking and refusing to listen. So I have no idea how to approach it. DH is as stumped as I am, and equally as annoyed.

I want DD to have a great relationship with her aunt, and I think it is great that SIL thinks so much of DD, but I don't want to come across as the nightmare SIL/DIL by demanding respect as DDs parent.

I kind of got bullied into letting my in laws have ds far more than I felt comfortable with from when he was really quite young. When he was around 18 months old I was actually crying after leaving him there because I just didn't want to. I wasn't as assertive as I am now and I finally said no and just stopped sending him. It unleashed a whole world of fury, tears and recrimination from in laws and ex but I stood my ground and continued after my second child was born. You're her Mum, you decide what you feel comfortable with. I think the nickname bothers you because of the rest of it because essentially that's quite harmless.

At their express request, your PILs have your dd one morning a week 'purely to encourage' her to have a relationship with them, yet it appears that they're happy to palm your dd off onto your sil who takes her here, there, and everywhere according to her whim

Dear god above.

Only on Mumsnet could an aunt taking her niece out for a few hours as a treat, be reduced to that ^^

I do agree with you Worra. But at 3 years old surely I should still have quite a lot of control?

You have it spot on goddess except for the fact that PILs are happy to palm her off. I don't think they are. MIL puts a face on it like she doesn't mind, but I actually think she really does mind. She looks forward to the morning they have DD, and then SIL takes DD. But yes, they don't say anything because if they do SIL will tantrum about it.

All I would like is for SIL to send me a text and say "could I please take DD out on X afternoon? myself and partner were thinking she would like to go to the farm".

I have done or said nothing that would make SIL feel she couldn't do that.

I think a lot of this stems from the fact you don't like the SIL tbh

Ok, I would tell in laws that you want dd to stay with them.

I would tell SIL that you would like your small child to stay with them too because you're not comfortable not knowing where she is.

Then deal with the inevitable tantrum that ensues. She sounds like a PITA actually. And yes you should have some say in where and how your small child spends her time, even when away from you. I've never agreed with this idea that you relinquish all say because someone else is looking after your child that is so prevalent on this site.

I suppose OP that if SIL 'didn't' ever take your DD out with or without permission she'd get it in the neck then too... can't do right for doing wrong.

You're making SIL out to be the child-catcher when she's just being a doting auntie who just likes to have twee names for her DN. If she ignored your DN or refused to speak to her you'd quite rightly have issues with that too.

I do agree with you Worra. But at 3 years old surely I should still have quite a lot of control?

Yes and you do have a lot of control...you just need to exercise it.

You're unhappy with the situation so you need to speak up.

To be fair, until they know you're unhappy, how can they get the chance to 'put it right'?

That's why I think you should tell them you're like to know where your DD is and who she's with.

Just start with that and don't sweat the rest, because there are some things we can do nothing about, without coming across as massively unreasonable/controlling.

Have you never heard of spur of the moment outings OP? and why does SIL have to ask your permission? it's making out you don't trust her with your DD then.

All I would like is for SIL to send me a text and say "could I please take DD out on X afternoon? myself and partner were thinking she would like to go to the farm"

So ask her to do it.

If she lives with your PILs and doesn't have kids of her own, it's probably just never occurred to her to drop you a quick text.

She has to ask OP's permission because dd is her child.

Maybe it does shutthatdoor. That is why I posted. SIL has acted in very shitty ways toward me in the past, to the point that MIL apologised for her behaviour, and people who were witness to it are still talking about it anytime SILs name comes up. (I would rather forget all about it tbh.)

It is also clear that SIL doesn't like me, but does not liking someone give you the right to discard their role as a parent?

It really wouldn't occur to me to ask my brother for permission to take out my niece for a few hours when she was with our parents.

I think you are not being unfair if you would expect your siblings to ask for permission too. I'd still think it was odd but at least it would be fair.

My in laws were massively over bearing but I always got a text telling me what they were up to with ds and if one of my many SIL would be taking him out. I'm beginning to think I was quite lucky.

slight bit of drip feeding there OP re SIL being shitty towards you - in that case YADNBU.

My brother has no role in my DDs life. That is his choice. And yes its sad that they don't have that uncle-niece relationship, but I can't force that.

I'm not sure that it has to be all or nothing though, or that I don't get a say because if they didn't do anything I would be annoyed.

You might be right Worra but even suggesting that will evoke a tantrum, and PILs will listen to her side and she has a tendency to twist things, and we will be worst in the world.

Incidentally, DH has voiced his dislike of the nickname on several occasions, and it has been ignored.

by the sounds of it your SIL is probably too scared to ask you to have your dd for the day and feels the only way she can spend time with her is by taking her out of the GP's time. You've yet to say how old SIL is as you are making it sound like she's an immature teenager but i wonder if she is just an incredibly dotting auntie who just adores her niece and wants to spoil her.
As for the nickname thing, well they happen. If your dd doesn't like it I am sure she will speak up. and if she doesn't like going out with SIL she will throw a tantrum and refuse no doubt. But even at 3 she will be aware of the vibes and the fact that you clearly dislike SIL and probably doesn't want to upset mummy by telling you. They are young, not stupid.

I am sorry for drip feeding. I didn't even think of that when I posted the OP because it was a year ago now, and I never confronted her about it then, and just chose to accept that she has a problem with me for some reason. That is her issue.

So maybe it all stems from that. Maybe she hates me so much she can't even bring herself to accept I am DDs parent.

Think about it op, your sil is taking her on days out and spending a lot of time with her one on one at times. Do you realize not many people take the time out to create and maintain that relationship with their family members? It wnbu to say that you would like to know if they have plans for the day, I think that's very fair.
However all the rest is really petty stuff. If your dd is happy whats the issue?

The difference between us is that I don't see these outings as being a treat for dd so much as a way in which the aunt wields power over her immediate family members, Worra.

I most certainly wouldn't be a happy bunny if a sil's boyfriend, who I'd barely met and knew very little about, used a photo of my dd on his instagram account. Would you? Why post a shot of my dd and not a pic of him and sil gurning at each other as would be expected?

It seems to me that the sil may be jealous of the OP and uses her dd to vent her angst under the guise of benevolence. Presupposing that he also has weekday mornings at leisure, she may also use the dd to play happy families with the boyfriend.

The nickname issue will resolve itself as the dd grows and becomes more assertive, but I don't see any reason why the OP shouldn't call attention to it if she's been hours in the company of those who haven't once referred to or called her dd by her given name.

what I would do OP is speak to PIL or SIL (preferably) and say "it's great that you're taking DD out for the day but could you ask/send me a text before you do this?" If SIL is not BU she will comply with your wishes.

Out of interest did you fall out with your DB at same time hence no role in your DD's life? or is he just not interested?

But even at 3 she will be aware of the vibes and the fact that you clearly dislike SIL and probably doesn't want to upset mummy by telling you.

No, I am sorry but no. If DD was ever aware of a "vibe" it would not come from me. I am pleasant to a fault in SILs company, and I talk with DD about her auntie as I talk with her about her GPs.

In general, we see SIL very little, apart from the one argument that we were all involved in as I stuck up for DH as SIL was attacking him about something, I haven't had a cross word with her. Even through all the shitty behaviour on her part, I never stood up for myself, never confronted her at all.

She is early twenties. And yes, immature for her age.

I understand why you feel the way you do but I do think YABU and I do think it stems from the fact that you don't like your SIL so frankly, even if she did ask you if she could take her out, and you had no reason to say no, so had to say yes, you'd still be angry about it.

I've been thinking about this - my DDs are 3 & 2 so similar ages - and if MIL had them for a morning a week, and SIL pitched up to take them out, I would be fine with it as long as MIL knew as she's the one that I'd trusted with their care.

The photo on Instagram, however, I'm with you on. I don't put my children's faces on social media and I try to make sure that no-one else does either.

The nickname I'm with you on, but I think you're blowing it out of proportion. In a very short space of time your DD will be able to say "Don't call me X! My name is Y!" if she doesn't like it.

I don't think SIL sounds scared at all. I think she sounds like someone who is willing to have a massive tantrum when things don't go her way and who doesn't think she should have to request anything even from her nieces own mother.

No I am on good terms with my brother. He just isn't interested. But thats a family wide thing, its not just me or DD.